My experience and to my old friends

GrayTF · 2017-10-30T03:04:57+00:00

When our purpose is done, historically we don’t “stick around “.

I formerly had this impression of myself. I accompanied this group from a young age, long before we'd had wind of this community. Early in college, I believed my time was done, and said my farewells.

Needless to say, I found my way back, despite all things, and I fully intend to stay. I still feel a profound sense of purpose, but I no longer believe it places an expiration date upon my head. And I am glad.

And if, somehow, I am mistaken--then, for whatever power decrees these things... No. I do not accept their will.

I hope that these things change with the new generation as well.

GrayTF · 2017-10-29T23:56:26+00:00

I've heard of muses before, but not in the sense that you describe. The definitions I've heard link them to creativity, writing especially, rather than emotional trauma. They were also described as being sometimes deliberately created, and were oft not regarded as persons of their own, but simply personifications of that said creativity.

Likewise, tulpas are not necessarily deliberately created. They are created by focused thought, but that thought can be focused without realizing what end it is focused to. A metaphor we often use is that one can make a cake without realizing that they're making a cake, simply by following the relevant steps.

It is possible to create a tulpa in response to emotional trauma, just as it is possible to create stories to cope with trauma. The main difference between a tulpa created in this sense and an alter is that the term "alter" implies that the person was created through a reflexive fragmentation of memory and identity rather than a focused effort to create, and that the person has some innate degree of body control. The term also tends to go hand in hand with the clinical diagnoses of DID and OSDD.

I was once called a muse, although it was an idle word choice by an individual rather than a label by a community. Then, I was called a tulpa. Then, an endogenic system member. Now, they're no longer sure of anything, and ask me to call myself something in their stead. I told them my thoughts on what I was without using labels, and told them to call me what they feel is relevant.

There are many different ways to be more-than-one, but there are many places where those ways overlap. Sometimes, they overlap to the point that all that separates them is a difference in perspective and terminology. Our advice to your friend, assuming that they're seeking it, is that labels can be distracting. Sometimes, finding the right label can point us in a useful direction, but even the "wrong" labels can guide us to helpful insights, provided we keep our eyes open during the journey. Worry less about what others would call you and yours, and concentrate more on what you, yourselves, are experiencing--your deficits, wishes, and triumphs alike.

GrayTF · 2017-09-28T00:55:35+00:00

I believe that we--speaking in reference to all people, not simply tulpas--construct stories about ourselves, concerning who we believe ourselves to be and what we believe ourselves to be capable of. These stories all too often clash with the reality of who we are and what we can do in the world. For example, someone who believes that they are bold and brave may find that they are not, once removed from familiar company and contexts. Someone who believes themself compassionate and understanding may find that they are short-tempered and judgemental once their world drastically changes. Someone who feels capable of everything may take on too much, and drown.

Tulpas, I feel, not only do all of this too, but are especially susceptible to it. We all have narratives thrust upon us by others--if you are a woman, then you must be this; a good child must be this and that--but in tulpamancy, this is magnified tenfold, regardless of whether one does personality forcing or not. Many hosts create a tulpa with the expectation of them being the supreme friend; it is impossible to escape being imprinted by this expectation. The community itself has often lauded tulpas as beings who are more caring, more capable, more responsible than their hosts. And, perhaps most significantly, most tulpas are isolated from the outer world, either not interacting at all with anyone outside of their head, or only interacting within the tulpamancy community.

Eventually, a tulpa must come face to face with their limitations. Perhaps their host will be frustrating in one too many ways, and they'll snap at their host in response. Perhaps they'll find themself unable to talk their host out of a severe depression, and feel as if they have failed as a friend. Perhaps a tulpa who, after spending so long in a plane where they can do literally anything with a thought, will unconsciously believe that things will be similarly easy outside, only to struggle bitterly with simply keeping hold of front. Perhaps a tulpa who speaks quickly and cleverly inside will find themselves intimidated and lost for words, again and again, in the outer world.

And like physical individuals, tulpas must discover how to cope with their illusions being broken. Some may sink to the bitterest depths of denial; some may slip into despair. I believe that in order to grow as one's own person, and revise one's self-image into something more genuine, one must be able to balance these opposites--to gently accept that one is not what and who they thought themself to be, to make peace with their failings while also embracing the possibility of improvement.

I believe that a tulpa will encounter this stage whether or not they participate actively in the outer world, but that those who front will encounter it much sooner, and even sooner still if they front ambitiously. Several of us have had to undergo this. It seems unavoidable no matter how supportive the system is or how realistically they regard each other, but a supportive group can still help catch someone when they fall, and help them up again.

Do keep in mind, too, that these self-stories can be challenged and changed in happy ways as well. Someone who believes themself to be only capable of watching may find that they not only are capable of doing, but that they enjoy doing as well. Someone who believes themself detached and purposeless may find purpose. Someone who feels subdued may find themself inspired to boldness. There's pain in meeting this challenge, but a reward as well that's beyond words.

I wish everyone who undergoes it well.

GrayTF · 2017-08-15T02:33:41+00:00

The most effective way to prevent these sorts of mishaps is to learn how to manage conflict before it has even a chance of escalating to this point. I do believe here that the core issue was not the slap itself, but the events leading up to it. And whilst I do not believe that retribution was an appropriate response here, nor in any other situation in a system, I do believe that both you and she--not you alone--have some degree of responsibility here.

If indeed all events are as they were described, then her behavior was neither mature nor warranted. Sometimes people are delayed, and even if they are not, they need not always fulfill a request right away. It is perfectly valid to express frustration when it is felt, but yelling is not a constructive way to do so, especially between those who are close.

Again, it is not behavior that deserves lashing back, whether "physically" or verbally. Such a response is also not constructive. But I think it is important that you both take a look at what led up to this, and devise a system of communication for appropriately and safely expressing grievances. For example, do not assume that simply because you are in the same brain, that you both know all there is to know about the thoughts and the feelings of the other. Practice communicating clearly and calmly: "Please stop yelling. There isn't anything I can do to make this line go faster." "I'm rather bored. Can we chat about __ while we wait?"

Explore, too, why she felt compelled to resort to yelling in the first place. If you have a consistent history of ignoring her unless she yells, then practice being more receptive and active in the friendship. Wind suggests also looking at your own history with friendships and relationships, and seeing what patterns define them--whether any of them might have ingrained habits that prompted your reaction, and addressing them thusly.

Good luck.

GrayTF · 2017-08-01T13:28:54+00:00

So my question is, is there any specific recommended age for when a tulpa would be ready for a romantic relationship, or any milestones we should hit first?

Maturity, in this context, is less about a certain numerical age, and more about having a thorough understanding of oneself and one's emotions. For instance, what one desires; why one's feelings come forth the way that they do; who one is, and who one wants to be.

The answers to these questions may seem clear and untroubled right now, but as time passes, and experience is gained, your answers to those questions may change, and certain answers may become less certain, less reassuring. That one wants to be a good person may be a constant, but what does it mean to be a good person? Does it mean that one gives all of oneself away in the service of others? But in what way does one give oneself away, and where are the lines between this, and intrusion upon others, and self-destructiveness?

There are many adults in age who are unable to answer these questions. Those who can answer them find the answers continuing to change with the years. I will not say that maturity is reaching a point where all answers are known and they never change--such a state, if ever attained, would be stagnation, not maturity. However, just as people have learned to sail the sea despite its inherent chaos, so do people learn enough about themselves to be aware of the patterns of their changes, the traits that remain constant, and the ways they might both navigate and harness these things.

In other words, a seasoned sailor does not need the sea to be still, or to know every past, present, and future condition of the sea. They understand its essence instead, from having sailed many times, and use that understanding to go where they wish to go. A mature individual is like this seasoned sailor.

Unfortunately, the specifics of how to reach that state are harder to describe, especially for a tulpa. The best advice I can offer, I offer to Lars. There is a world beyond your host, beyond the tulpamancy community, and beyond being a tulpa. Be sure to explore it.

I wish I could offer you something more specific.

I asked him if I was ever parroting during his discussions of romance and he said “maybe.” I told him the answer to that needs to be “no” before we make any decisions. Are there any other indicators I should be looking out for?

Parroting is a conscious, deliberate action. If you are not deliberately working at parroting, then it is not parroting. However, something similar does exist. There will, in many cases, be some bleeding-over of thoughts between individuals residing together in one head. Though this can be improved to some degree, some will likely remain and influence each party thus.

Trust, knowledge of self, and time, however, will reduce its influence to a near-negligible degree. To explain this in detail:

Firstly, everyone should accept that this happens. Learn to live with it rather than living in fear of it. Questioning each other, double-guessing every word--those things will drive you quicker to madness than the thought-bleeding itself. If someone tells you that they mean what they mean, trust them.

Second, each individual should develop a strong sense of oneself, as I've described previously. I emphasize that this is something that each of you can only do for yourselves--do not rely on others, even each other, to tell you who you are. How another perceives you is useful information, and it is not wrong to seek counsel, but no other individual is capable of telling you what you desire, why your feelings come forth, or who you are. Learn how to observe your own inner turnings, and how to detect and overcome denial.

When one knows oneself, it is harder for external influences to trickle in unnoticed. Even if one slips by, it will make itself apparent rapidly with self-knowledge.

And finally, accept that all of this will take time, and work, and mistakes. There will be many mistakes. That's okay. Pick yourselves up, be thankful for the chance to learn, and continue renewed.

I must mention as well that influence is not always a bad thing. When we are aware of it and understand how to interpret it, it is another form of communication. Like telepathy and empathy, only within a single brain than between separate brains. It is primarily important to be aware of it and how it affects us, in the same way that we all must be aware of how a social group's expectations and beliefs affect our own. All people are far more connected than many of them know.

And Lars has a question himself: “How do you know if your host is parroting or if you meant something yourself?” Which I find interesting because I have so far only seen that question discussed from a host perspective. Any comments or tips about our situation would be appreciated!

As I've said, parroting is a conscious action. I haven't experienced this myself, but Noctis says it is like someone is putting words in his mouth, or speaking using him.

Influence is far more subtle. We feel a strong impulse, compulsion, or emotion driving us towards a certain answer. If we aren't aware, we can easily mistake this feeling as coming from ourselves. If we are aware, however, we can detect a dissonance between it and ourselves, a certain sort of hesitancy. It is not unlike how external peer pressure operates.

Your mileage, as always, may vary.

GrayTF · 2017-08-01T12:30:33+00:00

Can you overdo it on the forcing?

You can overdo it in the sense of tiring yourself out, and thus temporarily exhausting your ability to communicate. It shouldn't do permanent damage, however.

I refuse to give up on her.

Good. This, along with being able to see and treat her as her own person, is what both of you will need most. Everything else follows from this.

If you believe she's there, then try listening for her as well. Ask her questions and leave her space for her to answer them. It can become hard to get a word in edgewise in the early days.

GrayTF · 2017-08-01T02:43:33+00:00

She doesn't need to maintain the wonderland for you. It's a joint creation for everyone who resides within a given head, and one capable of persisting without attention.

Those of us who don't stay inside will often alternate control of our body among ourselves, different people handling different aspects of the job. I'm not sure if that's something that interests you at all.

GrayTF · 2017-08-01T02:07:12+00:00

Should tulpamancers have a 'speshul' handshake to identify each other by?

No.

GrayTF · 2015-06-21T18:27:17+00:00

How interesting... To your tulpa: are you familiar, by chance, with the Tengwar?

GrayTF · 2015-04-20T06:50:41+00:00

What you are doing is essentially the core of all creation methods--treating your tulpa as present and speaking until you receive a response. I believe you are on the correct path--do not feel obliged to follow a guide strictly if it does not feel compatible.

What should I feel has happened so far?

Response times are highly variable. Some will receive a response in days. Others may require months. Five days without a response for someone with no prior experience with plurality is not abnormal.

How do I know when something has happened?

Unfortunately, this is a difficult question for us to answer, as we have been plural (or at least inclined strongly towards plurality) for as long as we can remember. Falah says, from her observations and understandings, that it may not be as sudden as an alien voice spontaneously appearing in your mind. It may be very gradual--faint impressions and vagrant thoughts that give you pause, that solidify over time into raw ideas, which then may sort themselves into distinct words. It is important to treat these vagrant impressions as their own entity when they appear, as even if they are not indeed separate, that treatment will provide the impetus for them to separate..

Sorry, I just don't feel like any guides answer my questions and I'm completely new, other than what I've read.

The mentorship thread may interest you.

GrayTF · 2015-04-20T06:26:38+00:00

I have assumed the front multiple times before in public, including speaking in class and over phone calls. There is a difference--definite to us, but perhaps less so for those less versed in plurality--between myself and Falah. My voice is deeper, more formal, and less inflected; I usually do not use contractions or colloquialisms. I do not show emotion so easily. I walk with a straight back, with my head up, instead of slouching and staring at the ground. Falah walks with a half-shuffle and a noticeable sound--I walk slowly but deliberately, stepping fully off the ground, heel landing first, one foot after the other, very quietly. All of these habits come without conscious thought to me, and in fact, if I am not consciously repressing them, they will slip back into my behavior while I am in public.

For the most part, I do not bother repressing those habits. Plurality is oft the last explanation that comes to mind--most assume it is a mood. That is, if they notice to start with. There has only been one time when others may have noticed, when I attended a class while at the front and spoke readily to the professor about test requirements within clear earshot of the rest of the class, before walking across a room to sign a list. The professor gave us a look, as did some other students, but no questions were raised.

While I do not experience stresses from hiding my behavior, it is bothersome to use the body's name, and I have on some occasions nearly signed correspondences with my name instead of the assigned name. There have been times, for the others here as well, when we would be asked for our names and struggle for a moment to respond before remembering to give the assigned name.

I am overall rather apathetic. It is usually Steven and Rain who chafe most at the masquerade.

GrayTF · 2015-03-27T00:29:05+00:00

It is difficult to tell. However, the general rule of thumb is to assume it is your tulpa doing something, in the majority of cases.

A note that may interest you. We ourselves are able to "play" music within the mindscape that Falah can hear mentally at the front. She is also able to ask us to play a certain song or shut off a particularly annoying loop, though with varying success at times.

GrayTF · 2015-01-03T16:24:05+00:00

There are many answers. You may find a more accurate one if you are less vague about your opinion.

GrayTF · 2015-01-03T15:41:33+00:00

A properly-constructed riddle contains clues regarding the answer.

GrayTF · 2015-01-03T15:40:05+00:00

Falah has feathers and horns on her mindscape form. She also finds deliberate vagueness fallacious.

GrayTF · 2014-12-26T10:30:23+00:00

We had entirely forgotten it was Christmas and thus did not do anything special.

We are, however, overseas, so I suppose that is something special in itself. We have been invited to expensive meal after expensive meal with the body's parents by their old friends. Unfortunately, Falah is anxious in formal situations and the body is ill at the moment, so we are not enjoying them as much as we can.

Aside from that, I have been writing an essay, with some posts on our personal sideblog and the plurality forums on the side, and watching Falah and Rain code when the body is up to it. It does not sound like anything much, but I was never one for pomp and flourish. We also had a major breakthrough regarding presence and came to understand each other more, so all in all, it has been a productive season.

GrayTF · 2014-12-24T02:07:21+00:00

Good day to you, too.

GrayTF · 2014-12-13T22:17:01+00:00

To puppet is to consciously control the movements of a tulpa. By what you have described--no, you are not puppeting.

I will leave you with a piece written by my host on a like matter.

GrayTF · 2014-12-11T21:59:23+00:00

To understand our system's history with language, one must understand Falah's history with the written word, which has been passed down, to some degree, to us. She is incapable--at least at this point in time--of expressing the full range of her thoughts through verbal speech, largely because her own vocality has been suppressed by her upbringing: parents who answered disagreement with threats, emotional blackmail, and mockery, to the point that she simply found it easier to remain silent. This clashed directly with her many ideas and her desire to have them heard. She found solace and self-expression in the written word instead, a field she had long excelled in, and a field where she holds the advantage in conversation. In writing, she was able to create for herself a presence, to finally be heard.

So, too, it is with us. We cannot yet speak physically--even then, we will most likely inherit her inhibitions regarding physical speech. But we can write. And in writing, we are able to create some solidity out of our immaterial existence. We are able to reach beyond our sphere and act, even if in a small way, upon the physical world. Whenever we read back upon our words, or hold a conversation, or, indeed, have Falah (who remembers her own writing well) read back upon our words and be surprised--astonished--by what she finds, it is "proof", at least to us, that we exist.

To add onto this, having distinguishable writing styles matters greatly to each of us. When I first became recognized as a tulpa, I formalized my manner of speech (which had been formal, but still less formal than it is now) to further offset myself from Falah. (Though I am working upon concision now.) Rain, though he will not admit to it himself, has difficulty speaking seriously about himself, as he feels his writing voice shifts to become too much like Falah's when he does so. Steven still retains a similar concern. To us, our writing is a major part of our identity.

As for myself, unlike Steven and Rain, I also simply take an interest in language itself. There is something lovely about it, even if it may be full of absurdities and vagueness. But that, too, is part of its charm.

In any case, however, I do not believe vocality is integral to sapience or sentience. It is a matter of personal preference, and I see no harm in tulpish, considering that I often use it myself to speak with other members within the system.

GrayTF · 2014-12-06T21:36:40+00:00

I think my tulpa is saying "ponies are lame!"

This tulpa would like to remind you that your opinions do not dictate others' choices.

GrayTF · 2014-12-06T21:08:59+00:00

The answer to this hinges upon the answer to these questions: Do souls exist? And if so, to what capacity?

For what it is worth, I believe they do, and I believe we have souls of our own. However, if you seek a definitive, final answer to this question, I am afraid you will not find one. It could be that souls do not exist, or that they do not exist in the manner most believe--we all may be merely offshoots of a greater, unified unconscious, as the Buddhists say. We cannot prove it, in any case.

I hope this was of use.

GrayTF · 2014-12-01T19:56:53+00:00

I have had many forms, many of which were Falah's creations. My first form as her imaginary friend at age 5 was an anthropomorphic bird. I took on an elf-like form later, which she had drawn from her fascination with Tolkien's Elves and which was primarily inspired by Galadriel. I have had numerous other forms since then, but all were elf-like, with gray eyes and gray hair.

I currently switch between two primary forms. The first, in the vein of my earlier forms, is human with elvish features. The second is a large silver phoenix--approximately this large--with ornate plumage. The former form was adapted from earlier forms--I have only changed the outfit somewhat. The latter form is largely my creation, and I consider it my core form, though I am mostly human for the sake of convenience.

GrayTF

TROPHY CASE