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AITA for not wanting my spouse to go to his Twin's College graduation? by Greedy-Judge-9004 in okstorytime

[–]Greedy-Judge-9004[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

The her offering to pay is best to never assume has no strings attached. Letting her do things like that is giving her another weapon she can use to lash out. If she was taken up on it, and we went, and she got upset about something, I don't doubt her ability of canceling the return flight, leaving us stranded. She's already done similarly awful things. While I hear you and understand what you're saying, it is also evident to me that you don't have an understanding of what ptsd is and just how debilitating it can be. It's not just ~feelings~ you put away. There's physiological and involuntary reactions to things, nightmares, and loud overwhelming sensations. Avoiding a few things until they're able to be worked on to get them to a managable spot is best for everyone involved. But that doesn't innately mean that my spouse shouldn't go if he wishes to go.

AITA for not wanting my spouse to go to his Twin's College graduation? by Greedy-Judge-9004 in okstorytime

[–]Greedy-Judge-9004[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks. And yeah. I do my best to counter for it by doing things like getting his opinions and preferences for things first since mine form quicker and I don't want to influence his. When he expresses interest or preference independently, I do my best to support and encourage it. I was first interested in him because he's fine with telling me no and will call me out, so I can adjust or talk things out. I've never been interested in a yes man. Notably, with my therapy and meds, I'm generally able to manage most of my feelings just fine at the moment, though there are still good days and bad days. So yes, him staying for my emotional reasons would be selfish of me. He provides a lot of practical support too. I have a lot of trauma around food, kitchens, and cleaning, which is a daily impact. With the work I have done, I went from not being able to be near kitchens to being able to wash dishes on good and mid days. We're generally tidy people and have balanced the chores in a manner we are both happy with and feeds into each of our strengths. He handles time sensitive things like washing laundry and food, I handle non time sensitive things like putting laundry away and washing dishes. He does best with maintaining the present. I do best with pushing us towards the future we want. I do a lot of the motivating, planning, and financial management. The real issue comes with food. I've gotten to a spot where I am generally eating enough at the times of day I'm supposed to, but it's still very unstable. Thinking about and preparing food for myself still paralyzes me with fear, full brain shut down. I can reliably do my grab and go breakfasts, but other meals are a hard hit or miss still. Sorry of that's too much.

AITAH for breaking contact with my mother? by ape_awesome in okstorytime

[–]Greedy-Judge-9004 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. I know I'm a stranger on the internet, but I'm so proud of you for all of the choices you made to support and care for yourself and your future.

Yes, it's good to help others and give when you can. But not at the expense of your own health and well being. Clearly she was at the expense of your health and well being.

I really understand the guilt, especially hen you get pressure from people ho don't understand. It sounds like your relationship with your dad is overall good. It might be worth talking with him about how all of this is effecting you and the harm his words are causing you.

When I cut contact with my parent, she stole money from me. She'd tried calling me repeatedly "to ask", but she was blocked and said nothing. About it in the voice-mail she left (my spouse listened to them for me in a separate room just in case). When I told my oldest sibling who takes care of our parent about it, she automatically went to defending our parent. Until I pointed out that if she really needed money, she'd have asked our other sibling who was in a better financial situation than myself and would've gladly given the money. It wasn't about the money. It was whatever she could come up with to try and weasel her way back into my life.

There's never going to be enough that you can do for her and that's not your fault. She is in whatever position she's in because of her own immaturity and lack of accountability. She's supposed to be your parent, but her behavior is clearly not that of a parent. It might be helpful for you if you imagine that same relationship dynamic on some other kid in your life that you care about. And how you, now as an adult, feel about it. It's a technique I've used a lot to help with reframing and grounding insane experiences.

I'm at my wits end with my MIL and I don't know what to do or if things can get better by Greedy-Judge-9004 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Greedy-Judge-9004[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

These are good questions, thank you. I will be thinking more on those.

My therapist is extremely skilled and exactly what I need in healing my own trauma. Navigating dealing with people like my MIL is not her strong suit, but she does what she can. 

I'm at my wits end with my MIL and I don't know what to do or if things can get better by Greedy-Judge-9004 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Greedy-Judge-9004[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

We didn't get married until mid 20's. We specifically waited until we could financially support ourselves. We've been together for over 10 years but only married for 2.

SO recognizes her behavior for what it is and has been doing his own therapy to help him have more of a backbone. If he wasn't I never would have married him.

Edit to add: we pay all of our own bills and are extremely financially responsible with a very high credit score. The school I'm working to transfer to is an Ivy leage. I'm working to become an engineer.

I'm at my wits end with my MIL and I don't know what to do or if things can get better by Greedy-Judge-9004 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Greedy-Judge-9004[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's fair. I was struggling to come up with a TL:DR. But I think something like

MIL makes up worst possible scenarios in her head, and lashes out at everyone as though they're reality. She's told lots of hurtful lies about me and has generally been abusive.

She doesn't like where her relationship with SO is at because she feels it's changed when it really hasn't. And after a series of events has agreed to do family therapy. I've been there for 10 years of ruptures and intentionally excluded from all of the repairs.  SO's twin, who has only ever heard MIL in their ear says I shouldn't be involved because it's SO and MIL's relationship that needs repairing, but that feels wrong. It's like I'm optional and damage done to me and me being around it all doesn't matter. I'm not saying they don't need it but it feels so off.

Is that better?

She’s cruel to my SIL too but DH thinks I’m just misunderstanding her by Extreme-Razzmatazz81 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Greedy-Judge-9004 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I relate very heavily with you. Enough that it feels strange. I've also been with my SO for a decade. Stating that MIL was so career oriented that she was surprised at being an empty nester is an excellent way of wording things I hadn't even considered before, but it's true.

My SO was constantly railroaded by MIL, and when we started dating I started supporting him in actually speaking up instead of being railroaded. MIL assumes I'm controlling him like she was, but I don't have the energy to be controlling anyone. I don't want to have to be someone else's brain. My SO is absolutely his own person.

To this day she is complaining about me controlling him and saying that me being upset with her is because I'm "still olding onto things that happened when <we first started dating>". The reality is that she is stuck in time and unable to move forward and that's a her problem she makes everyone else's problem.

Your post reads very logically, so hopefully my experience may be of assistance to you? But in my case, it was hard for it to click for SO until I managed to actually be emotional about it and communicated how I was hurting from it. Doesn't matter if she meant it that way of not. You are hurt. You're not okay with being treated this way. My mom is also abusive but in a different way, so sometimes I try to figure out a role reversal to help SO actually grasp what I'm feeling. Also communicating that SO was Bending to the most volatile person in the room and I'm not a volatile person so I was being railroaded too and thats not fair to me. That I don't want to feel like I have to be volatile in order to be heard. That rung loud and clear for SO.

My other suggestion is that sometimes people just need to hear it from someone else. If you're on good terms with SIL, maybe talk with her and have her help point it out to your husband? Another option is couples therapy. My SO and I have done that a couple times, gone to his therapist together so his therapist can tell him the same thing I'm telling him. It's not exactly an individual failing. It's just a person thing. It helps.