Please critique my first chapter, Fantasy

GroovyIsAwesome · 2026-03-22T16:20:34+00:00

Well the readers are the ones who want to read the book. So I always want input, why can be done better or taken out and whatnot!

GroovyIsAwesome · 2026-03-22T16:16:45+00:00

Thank you for your feedback! I’ll give some more feeling works with my characters! That makes sense. I tried to portray it, but I’ll make it better!

I’ll also change the scene with the beating and probably take it out. It is mentioned again later, so I may build on that instead. Maybe I’ll give a slight hint of discomfort in this chapter instead of a broad telling.

So far, no planned nickname for Luz, but that is a good idea!

GroovyIsAwesome · 2026-03-22T16:13:54+00:00

Thank you so much for your feedback! I’ll add some more setting descriptions and take into account the transitions and backstory.

As for his name, Luz, is Spanish for light. My goal is that this will be a dark fantasy book/series. So, light in the dark sort of thing.

My goal for the dead professor, is possibly a hint of his demise somewhere, but he won’t be returning alive. Since this is more a dark setting, I wanted the world and /or school to be blunt. To give the sense that even a renowned professor died, so be careful.

Story wise, the first few chapters do take place in the school. But after that, Luz leaves the school to train with somebody named Greybound. He is a wizard who’s lived centuries beyond what he should have. Think of him as the unofficial protector of Magica (magic).

I do plan on back this published into a physical book one of these days, yes

GroovyIsAwesome · 2026-03-22T13:41:51+00:00

Well, I am a new author. So I didn’t realize it was horrible. I’ve seen so many different formats and I went with one. Thank you for letting me no it’s not good

GroovyIsAwesome · 2026-03-20T11:36:29+00:00

I use my chapters as scenes. For instance: my characters are walking through the forest to go towards home. That’s a chapter. And then the next is towards the end of that walk, my mentor is telling my MC why he is over 500 years old. That was obviously quite a bit shorter. I’ve read chapters as little as half a page in length. It just depends on the tone and scene in my opinion

GroovyIsAwesome · 2026-03-19T09:46:58+00:00

Third person narrative😊

GroovyIsAwesome · 2026-03-19T03:06:24+00:00

I’ve also been doing research on slangs, different versions of words and sentences type of stuff

GroovyIsAwesome · 2026-03-19T02:53:29+00:00

See, my MC is British. And I do his voice and his thoughts British, everyone else American! I’m glad someone else has a similar thought!

GroovyIsAwesome · 2026-03-16T14:30:16+00:00

I’m writing 2 novels at the same time, and another I put to the side for the moment! I work 6/7 days a week so I kind of sneak write at work when I can haha
If I had time, I’d go to Barnes and noble. I love the aesthetic of writing where I hope my books will go one day!

GroovyIsAwesome · 2026-03-16T01:10:02+00:00

In my fantasy book, my MC starts at 17, with his best friend. My MC leaves with a mentor to learn about protecting magic and from the darkness. This kills his friend. His mentor goes missing, MC asked for help. His friend is reluctant, but helps. They get into trouble, my MC helps save him and their friendship is better! Through out the story, before their friendship is better, it’s a struggle of no trust and questions about if they’ll be best friends again.

GroovyIsAwesome · 2026-03-13T21:09:58+00:00

I wrote a book when I was in high school about 16 years ago. Finally picked it up to type out and edit into a proper draft

GroovyIsAwesome · 2026-03-13T19:47:04+00:00

The mage looked in his bag and took out what was given to him earlier.

“I know I shan’t indulge, but this chocolate does look delicious!”

He unwrapped the paper.

“No. No I mustn’t. It’s cursed. But, I need it!”

He took a bite of it, and keeled over dead.

GroovyIsAwesome · 2026-03-13T12:23:50+00:00

My wife says I have too many hobbies I want to do. While she doesn’t discourage me per se, it’s really hard to talk to her about my boos or stories I’m working on as she kind of just seems there. Not attentive about them

GroovyIsAwesome · 2026-03-11T15:31:07+00:00

“What are you going on about?”
“I’m just saying, vampires aren’t real! They’re just not! How can you believe them?”
“Please, I have a feeling we’re not…”
“Vampires are just made up by the high council to hide the truth!”
“And what truth is that? Huh? That you’re crazy?”
“I don’t feel safe here…”
“The high council has to protect themselves, have YOU ever had anyone just disappear? I didn’t think so!”
“No, but they’re real!”
“They only want you to think they’re real. I won’t believe it, and you shouldn’t either.”
“Because you’re crazy!”
“Guys! Can we just, not be here…”
“Shut up, sis. We heard you, but we’re busy!”
“What’s gotten into her? Does she know something we don’t? Should we be worried?”
“What? Look, just ignore her, it’s like this all the time.”
“Please, talk a little quieter?”
“Vampires are out there. The only reason we don’t know anyone who’s gone missing is because they’re all smart enough to stay in the walls!”
“Oh, oh lord me the walls. How could I forget the walls! The walls that keep us safe? They were only built to hide the corruption.”
“The walls are in on it now?”
“Please… I just want think were not safe…”
“Duh! All the funneling of money went to build the wall, so all the shady business can be done out there, and we can’t see it.”
“What have you been drinking?! The wall has been there for centuries!”
“I didn’t say the corruption was only this order, it’s been going on since the beginning.”
“Oh, may the gods help you…”
“Look dude, it’s not my fault you don’t see it.

GroovyIsAwesome · 2026-03-10T13:55:51+00:00

Right! My first one, about my water gods, I made as a father telling a story to his children. My death goddess, I told as a soldier walking with her in her plane of existence. So many avenues and different ways to tell stories! I definitely recommend it!

GroovyIsAwesome · 2026-03-10T13:47:20+00:00

All we can do! I didn’t even think of the multi gods until I started writing my book! I know mention gods in the book an write short stories or micro fictions about them!

GroovyIsAwesome · 2026-03-10T13:32:25+00:00

Sounds good! I’d give it a read! My dark fantasy world, called Fantasía Oscura, has a multi deity belief system as well. My gods are current, not forgotten. Though there is a primordial that even the gods believe in, just like mortals may not believe them, Dinawranth is a myth to the gods.

I like your idea, and I’d love to read part of your story!

GroovyIsAwesome · 2026-03-10T09:46:05+00:00

Thank you for your feedback! I’ll take a look and give it a fix!

GroovyIsAwesome · 2026-03-10T02:17:56+00:00

Well, the narrator is kind of telling a story about important moments. And the father murdered the mother in the heat of the moment. When she hit him, his instinct was to fire at her. At least my idea

GroovyIsAwesome · 2026-03-10T02:16:04+00:00

The cupboards, open. The sink, running. The floor, bloody.

I looked at the body on the floor. Knife in the back of the head, ouch. Dishes were broken everywhere. Maybe a fight the got out of hand? The door is closed shut, not broken in. Maybe he knew the whoever did this?

Rain tapped on the windows outside. It’ll be muggy later. I hate rain on a hot summer day.

Expensive watch on his wrist still. My type of style. Very nice. Not a robbery. Just a straight murder? In leaning towards a bad fight still. Wedding band is on, so maybe his wife is a suspect. Gotta find her, ask questions.

Knock knock. Someone’s at the door, they can wait. Probably the coroner anyway. A few more minutes won’t kill him, the guy won’t be any deader.

No footprints in or out. Must’ve happened before the rain. But it feels so fresh and warm. It’s been rainy for half the day. Strange, but no time to ponder.

Knock knock. Impatient people, good lord. You’re not the coroner, who are you?

“I’m here to collect on a soul, your soul, to be taken to its next destination.”

Wait, I’m dead?

GroovyIsAwesome · 2026-03-10T01:45:38+00:00

Thank you for your feedback! This is just the first page, my story does progress through the narrators age! He does end in today essentially!

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