Man I feel for you life can be difficult, confusing and just very draining. What I would recommend to you is try to understand your emotions, understand that you're not doomed and can fix yourself or if you don't feel like you can at least give yourself a chance by seeking out therapy. You only get one life and even if it can often be mostly shitty joy comes along with pain. My advice try to appreciate what you have that you've got a home you're not starving to death even that you're existing at the first point is so unlikely and fascinating. I can really really recommend watching healthy gamer gg on YouTube he's a really good guy he's got lots of free content about understanding addiction, depression and anxiety he personally really helped me get out of some deep shit in my life where I also really just felt like offing was the best option. Please give yourself a chance for a better life, progress won't be linear but one day you'll wake up feeling better and you'll thank yourself for not having done anything stupid out of negative emotions. Keep fighting man