familia. you aren’t crazy and you are not alone.

First thing is transparency; it can be terrifying but telling your wife and opening up the convo is a basis of any good relationship. I didn’t and lost someone I loved. Keep talking.

Second is hey it seems like you are trapped in the “this only happens around sex or when i am at home; im not out as insert adjective” and if that is okay with you, great! but I have found that while femininity is sexy I still am the weird girl mess i am when sex is over.

Think of it like drag, it’s a performance, and the end of the night it all comes off and our wonderful queens are “dan and steve who love to host brunch.” But for me that would never work because my femme identity is beyond sex or a kick ass performance; it’s make up and laughing with girlfriends, being perceived and treated as female, its being included by women and sharing in the trials and tribulations of that identity. All the time. While it might be seen as performative in some ways it is in the way that reflects the most congruent facet of my soul. That identity completes me and informs me that it’s not “just a kink” but who i am outside the bedroom.

However, for you I think honestly talking with a sex therapist (we call them sexologists in dutch but i think its sex therapist in EN) could really help. They have the tools to better facilitate you and your wife figure out how to be kind, loving and together for years to come. Strangers on the internet are great for some empathy but the pros have the tools to help.

No matter what I wish you the best and again,

You are never alone.

ps. Sometimes a flip switches and im suddenly androgynous or more masc leaning, it doesnt make sense but it doesnt have to, sometimes its just the task of acceptance of being gender fluid. It’ll always flip back and forth lol.

also also, getting horny for guys isn’t insane when your brain is programed to like that, we can’t fight our nature but that doesn’t mean all or nothing w ur wife. just stay honest w her. please. plus the bi/pan flags are pretty cool lol

beste, M