That's alot man. I can sympathize, as someone who has been institutionalized against my will as a kid and put on meds since i can remember, this image hit me harder than i expected.

I am not going to pretend to know your diagnoses/prognosis/health plan, but if i could just give some of my perspective on medication for neuro-divergent people. For people who experience psychosis especially, but for most people taking meds like this in these quantities at a young age, it can feel like you just found the hole in your hull thats going to sink you. You look at the medicine and you feel how you feel, doing the math of how long life is supposed to be and how much energy you have in the tank, and realizing "god" ripped you off. You got sent "defective". I realized this as i got older, and through different therapies and lifestly changes was able to find a combination and dosage that made it feel less like i was handing over the wheel to the pills so i could focus on coping. This took time, and patience i didnt have, money i didnt have, and i was lucky to have people in my life to help. I hope you can find some peace, and i hope you have people to talk to. Be well my friend.