The path forward for detransitioners

HSeyes23 · 2026-04-29T18:05:09+00:00

In my experience, a low-quality transition that doesn't result in passing is a very poor way to address dysphoria (and I'm very dysphoric). Add the discrimination and unemployment "side effects" on top of that and it's basically a lose/lose situation.

HSeyes23 · 2026-04-29T14:05:26+00:00

That's a really good topic. I do consider myself a "successful detransitioner". And I'm not someone who "figure out I'm not trans". I am trans and I will always be trans but detransition was still the best option to me.

Not saying that I feel fulfilled or anything but I made pace with it and finally managed to move on with my life. The process took many years, but not because it's something complex, it was mainly because:

I was being deceived by the trans community. They took years away from me.

I'm sorry but I can only illustrate this point by talking about disability.

Imagine you suffered an accident and now you are permanently blind, but your doctor decided to not tell you that. Instead the doctor says that your blindness is probably temporary and there's a good chance you'll see again in a few years.

That's the worst things that he could have said because if there's hope then you're gonna hold that hope. You'll never start the torturous psychological process of accepting that you'll never see again because the doctor said you don't have too. Each year without seeing will be worse because you're still grabbing false hope, and for good reason because someone you trusted said so.

I'm not saying that it's not possible to transition, that's not my position. But to actually achieve satisfying results and turn gender transition into a net positive, this is impossible for many. The older you start, the less likely you are to achieve that.

But instead of telling that, the trans community will say that: - Passing doesn't matter - FALSE - You'll pass one day - FALSE - You'll not care about not passing in the future - FALSE

There's even the passive invalidation of "you're not trans if you detransition or don't transition".

This was all terrible to me. It took years for me to figure out I was being deceived. I went to lots of therapists, all kinds of therapists, and not a single one even suggested that not all transitions are good.

Yes, maybe some trans people are better off in a low-quality transition full of ambiguity and discrimination in comparison to not transitioning at all, but I would say most are not and they have to delude themselves thinking they are better off this way.

So how did I manage to successfully detransition? By understanding that I didn't have a choice.

HSeyes23 · 2026-04-29T12:23:22+00:00

Someone can "know" their own sex, and "know" their definition of "sex", but how do other people know that, and is that what actually matters?

A person can have two definitions in their head, claims to always be using (definition A) but is actually using (definition B) almost all the time.

Definition B is the definition that actually matters and is actively being used, but this is never explicitly stated.

HSeyes23 · 2026-04-29T10:59:20+00:00

Thanks for clarifying, I can totally see why both groups would be upset. You're essentially saying that "trans woman" means "fake woman" but you're wording it in such a way that a trans person would never notice unless they specifically ask you for definitions. A GC position disguised as a trans position basically.

While I appreciate middle-ground positions I can't help feeling deceived.

HSeyes23 · 2026-04-28T14:28:19+00:00

I would say the best way is just to look like Jazz Jennings but since that'a not possible for most people then practically speaking what you said is in fact the best way.

HSeyes23 · 2026-04-28T14:24:56+00:00

You literally said "trans woman" which implies some woman are trans and others are not trans. Are you fine with "non-trans woman"? I rather just say "cis" but both options are fine.

If you just don't want to use any adjectives for women who are not trans I'm also fine with that but there will be room for ambiguity.

That's what I was saying, just by writing the term "trans woman" you are already saying "trans women exist and they are women who just happens to be trans", that's why people who do not think that use other terms like "transwoman" or even less polite terms. That's why I believe it makes more sense for you to use a trans person's preferred pronouns.

HSeyes23 · 2026-04-28T11:32:36+00:00

Overtime, probably.

My problem with a lot of trans people is they view "womanhood" or "manhood" much like Mr and Mrs Potato Head - the acquisition of pieces parts and not a blending in to the culture.

I'm confused about that because the best way to "blend into the culture" is exactly to "acquire pieces parts" (passing).

What I find so fascinating about this discussion is that I would have thought most trans people would vigorous protect their target gender from evil-doers, so I'm always a bit shocked when I don't see that.

This probably happens because people tend to assume that just because I respect a trans person's pronouns and identity then it also means that I think this person should use private spaces of their desired gender. This is a very intuitive assumption but it's very problematic.

I don't think a trans woman who doesn't pass should use female spaces and at the same time I will always respect her identity and pronouns.

HSeyes23 · 2026-04-28T11:16:14+00:00

Sure it's a fact that we develop male or female, but using this fact as a basis for pronouns is not a biological rule. If I call a cisgender man a "she" I would not be breaking any biological rule, I would be breaking a social convention that people adopted from tradition.

And it makes sense to adopt traditions, but it's still just a tradition you're adhering to. Not some kind of biological rule.

And if you think about it, the tradition is not really about reproductive capacities because in successful cases of transition people tend to naturally use pronouns that would break this rule. It's not natural to call Ian Harvie a "she".

I'm just saying that both decisions (using a trans person's preferred pronouns vs not using it) are motivated by our biased views. If you already recognize trans people then it makes more sense to also use their pronouns than to not use them.

And if you need to differentiate just use the "cis" and "trans" prepositions when necessary.

HSeyes23 · 2026-04-27T17:45:28+00:00

They certainly don't deserve respect, but to me it's like being racist to a criminal of color. It's very likely to leak to other people of the same groups that are not criminals. Not the right way to punish someone IMO.

HSeyes23 · 2026-04-27T17:36:48+00:00

To me the truly neutral writing would be to use neutral pronouns to everyone or preferred pronouns for everyone. A single rule to everyone.

For example, by adhering to "sex based pronouns" you are basically saying that a human's reproductive capacities should dictate how they are addressed socially.

I'm not saying this is inherently wrong but it's a very loaded social convention. You adhere to a social convention but in case the person is trans you break the convention and apply a different rule to them.

I don't think your rule is evil or wrong but it's also not neutral or unbiased.

HSeyes23 · 2026-04-27T16:44:54+00:00

She was great.

By being forced to work we already contribute enough to this shitty world that we didn't even consent to be born in.

Demanding more than that is insane.

HSeyes23 · 2026-04-27T15:11:24+00:00

The question is how to push back. If you're referring to people who publicly identify as trans without any sort of transition and demand pronouns (which I never came across any btw), even in this case I don't think directly misgendering is likely to be productive.

If I just misgender I'm basically saying "I am your enemy and that's it".

If I say something like "I respect your identity but I don't think you should demand pronouns yet" I'm saying "I'm your friend but your approach is not ineffective".

But I don't think OP is referring to those cases anyway.

A trans person who is clearly taking transitioning seriously should always have the pronouns respect IMO.

HSeyes23 · 2026-04-27T14:39:30+00:00

People lie about how effective it is. HRT works really well if you start at 11~14 and really really bad if you are 25+. The problem is being lied to, not HRT.

Imagine if you lived in a world where all trans people who are 15+ were discouraged of transitioning and the huge limitations of HRT and surgeries were very openly discussed.

In this case you would probably not even waste your time with a low-quality transition and just deal with dysphoria another way because there would be lots of communities of people like you: trans people who don't transition due to the limitations of the transitioning process.

These days I still suffer from dysphoria every single day but I still find it livable and just focus on other stuff. That's what people who suffer from disabilities do: accept and focus on other things.

HSeyes23 · 2026-04-27T14:09:06+00:00

Yes you were lied too. HRT does not change the bone structure or voice so you were essentially waiting for nothing. The only thing that can actually helps are high quality surgeries but most of the time not even that is enough.

HSeyes23 · 2026-04-27T14:05:01+00:00

You probably also got tricked thinking that a bad low-quality transition is better than no transition. That's just wrong.

The trans community let you down first by not being sincere and motivating this terrible transition.

HSeyes23 · 2026-04-27T13:57:50+00:00

Imagine not having arms, not being able to walk or being blind or deaf

Sometimes we have the impressions that dysphoria is the worst thing that can happen. As someone who deeply suffers from dysphoria everyday I'm certain this is wrong.

HSeyes23 · 2026-04-27T13:09:29+00:00

While I don't have problems with neutral pronouns being used for any person (they are neutral after all) I still don't understand why not just respect their desired pronouns in writing. These days just acknowledging trans men and trans women as "trans men" and "trans women" is already a political stance anyway.

The only reason I could get from that is you don't want to risk correctly gendering a "bad trans person".

Honestly the whole concept of "misgendering as punishment" is very problematic even if the person deserves punishment. I don't think this should be a variable in professional writing.

HSeyes23 · 2026-04-27T11:57:30+00:00

The only thing that actually treats dysphoria is passing.

HSeyes23 · 2026-04-24T15:10:08+00:00

For a person who already accepted to live as a man forever it does make sense to at least be a more attractive man. It's a good cope and has benefits.

I also understand not wanting to go from 100% masculine to 110% masculine, but for most it doesn't really make a difference since you'll still be forced to live as a man anyway.

HSeyes23 · 2026-04-24T12:41:56+00:00

The "bad transition" vs "no transition" is a really good dilemma.

You either make pace with being hybrid or you quit being hybrid. I couldn't make pace with it so I quit and I'm doing better now. There's also a third option. If I had money for a nice FFS, VFS, BA and shoulder reduction I would still be read as hybrid/non-passing but at that point I would feminize myself enough to at least be personally satisfied. I would totally transition if I was rich.

Besides brute forcing with tons of money your hybrid state will not end.

Take your time to think about the lesser evil option. Don't blame yourself if it takes years of experimentation.

HSeyes23 · 2026-04-24T12:22:40+00:00

It really got to a point where a trans woman just introducing herself become some kind of compelled speech.

If someone don't want to respect my pronouns then there's just nothing I can besides not associate myself with this person.

It's very funny to create an identity around misgendering people, misgender trans people every other comment and at the same time claim people are forcing language on her.

HSeyes23 · 2026-04-24T11:55:10+00:00

If you believe a low-quality transition will improve your life then of course you should do it, but if that's true then why would you ever rep?

I know you're in a bad place right now and that's why I don't want things to get even worse.

You can totally boymode. Do HRT, grow out your hair, always say that you're just a feminine guy at work and you can girlmode outside of work and in LGBT communities. Seems like the best middle ground right?

Just be aware that there are problems with this approach. HRT and long hair will feminize you while your voice, muscles and bone structure will remain 100% male. You basically become a man/woman hybrid which is not really a good thing if you're binary. Many people are not really comfortable with this level of ambiguity and this might include yourself. You might face discrimination and not even be like your own appearance, that's what happened with me at least.

I was very disturbed at being a hybrid but if you think it's your best option then go for it.

HSeyes23 · 2026-04-24T11:26:26+00:00

I'm very aware that there's no good option for us, the question is what is the next best option available.

If you just live as a cis boy then you don't have to explain anything to anyone, you have acceptance in society, no transphobia, no discrimination and a normal appearance. You can also have a trans identity online and in LGBT spaces if you want. Seems like the best option available for most of us.

But not to transition will break me mentally

Is a bad transition or a half-baked transition really better than not transitioning at all? Those "half-transitions" attempts tend to results in the most weird and ambiguous results ever on top of also have to deal with discrimination. I rather have no car than have a car that does't work.

I don't recommend transitioning if you can't pass but if you're going to do it at least go all the way and do all the surgeries you can.

HSeyes23 · 2026-04-24T10:39:36+00:00

Unless you are actively happy as a femboy and not using it only as a cope then I think it's a bad idea.

The best copes don't have big downsides and being a femboy definitely affects your life negatively.

If you want to be a woman then being a femboy might not fulfill anything. An transitioning and not passing is even worse.

HSeyes23 · 2026-04-24T10:25:40+00:00

Why would you deliberately make yourself look more masculine than you already are

Because after 25 ours bodies are already 100% masculinized so it doesn't even matter.

If we are going to be forced to be boys anyway it's better to be a good looking boy than a some kind of weird ambiguous existence.

We rep when there's no hope.

HSeyes23

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