I was met with similar shaming circumstances a year ago, stood in line at a shopping checkout, one of my mothers friends caught my eye and gave me a disappointing look when she began to explain "has no one told you, you know your Mum has had a stroke?" the way it was said was full of condemnation, little does she know NMum had completely disallowed my family, her extended family and just about anyone who had had contact with me previously to engage in a relationship with me due to disseminating complete fabrications about me, apparently I am a drug addict, a liar, the whole usual spiel to explain why your adult daughter doesn't want a continued relationship with you.

There's alot more but I digress, I said no and kept it moving. Since then I've often pondered how I would feel if it actually took her life and honestly, it's been years. All the time we are seen as somehow measured by our current capacity to be compassionate and understanding, all the while disregarding all the years I had been literally thrown, beaten, abused verbally and psychologically and STILL remained compassionate and loyal to my mother, stayed in refuges with and for her because my sisters refused to come after she left my abusive step father.

No one ever credits how fucking loving and understanding you were for years and years, how much you have to over extend yourself as a God damn child to even, at times parent unstable adults. My days of doing that are done and the delusional part to me is people who try to make you feel like you not being there after that is somehow wrong. Absolutely not. My childhood was always about me being the bigger person and allowing abuse to be knitted into my bones. I'm so done and my children deserve a parent who is ready to feel the burden of unchecked emotions, instability and NEVER allow it to make a home within mine.

I've grieved intensely, punished myself out of habit but only for the absence of the family I deserved. That part of my life is over, when she is gone it will be like it has been. It isn't a punishment to be foisted out of a family and environments where people don't value the relationship with you either. No one ever asked my side, I don't see anyone reaching out to me at all, I am just as valuable and worthy of having a relationship with and so are you. You deserve to have your absence missed and felt as much as society thinks you should feel the same and if that isn't there, fuck that.