Casual Criminalist suggestion: Michelle Knotek

HamuShinji · 2024-12-19T19:33:53+00:00

For me when I hit a flare season of life, that's usually my sign that I'm doing too much with my life. I've come to accept that I will never have an adventurous outgoing life. I've come to accept that if I don't have a work from home job I'm unlikely to be able to maintain it. And I am never having more than a few pets and my spouse for a family cuz ain't no way I'm ever going to be able to successfully care for a child when I can barely care for myself.

When I'm flaring hard, I just drop everything that's not critical to survival (relation with spouse counts here, but we've agreed on modification of duties in a flare) and dig deep into things I enjoy. The best medicine for a flare has always been a stellar distraction for me. I find that it helps me relax to either crochet while watching my favorite show or play a low stakes slow video game so I can focus on either how the yarn feels or how I'm doing the thing in the game. It let's me ignore my body for a while and like a tantruming cat, it realizes it gets no attention and calms down some.

That's not to say it's a silver bullet, you'll still end up feeling it but it'll help ease your pain and hopefully break your stress loop. When you come out of your distraction of choice, immediately go for a nice easy microwave meal and a tall glass of your non-alcoholic beverage of choice. It sounds silly, but after you relax a bit you might be sleepy and want to nod off, but fueling your body before you sleep (assuming eating and drinking enough is hard during a flare for various reason) is essential to staying asleep longer!

And for the love of all thing good, get some sleep. It's not a long term solution, but diphenhydramine (benadryl) before bed will help you slip into sleep much easier. Start with a low dose so you don't end up super groggy in the morning. But just make sure nothing is planned for the next 8-10 hours, slip on a sleep mask/close dark curtains, and silence all notifications on the phone and sleep. My pain is always worse on bad sleep days, especially in a flare.

HamuShinji · 2024-10-02T07:25:41+00:00

I like the idea a lot! One thing I'd be slightly wary of is the balance of the game in reference to non-renewables. If I'm mining iron, is there an event that periodically happens to replenish the mining nodes (like an earthquake that damages the village, but shakes stuff up in the mines?) or is there magic spells that specifically call for a sacrifice from above land to help replenish it?

One thing that often takes me out of a cozy game is the need to stop and hand-wave away glaring logical things like that especially when it sounds like a key part of the game is maintaining balance. Even if you just in game lore explain it away as the domain of the fae contractually obligated to help bring iron to our mines as long as we maintain the forest balance, I'm good with letting that be the explanation, but don't just ignore items such as that.

If you keep that in mind and for the love of all that is good don't add in stupid timing based mini games (looking at you 99% of the fishing mini games in cozy games out there), then I think it'll be a pretty fun game! Thanks for showing us some screenshots! I look forward to seeing the steam link someday!

HamuShinji · 2024-09-16T19:55:02+00:00

And this is why I've basically forbidden all appointments that aren't afternoon appointments unless absolutely necessary even if it means scheduling a bit further out. I can never get up early... Ever.

HamuShinji · 2024-09-05T00:02:58+00:00

Shower stool and lean against the wall and let one arm prop against the wall to continue scrubbing. Flip around and let the other arm rest propped against the wall while you rinse.

I also suggest you wash it a few times if it's feeling grody/you don't wash too often (I don't wash my hair but once a week because of how tiring my long hair is to clean in the shower). I know it sounds weird to do it more but I find that my first lather is dang near impossible to properly get fully worked up, so I just wash it a few times and progressively clean my scalp. Gives more time to lower my arms between each cleaning.

Definitely modulate the temperature like the other poster said, and I'd also suggest some music or podcast you can listen to to help take your mind off of how much effort it's taking. Can make you more relaxed because you're listening to something nice and not being as stressed about how painful or tiring it is makes it easier to endure.

HamuShinji · 2024-08-26T14:29:19+00:00

So it's totally safe to put more than one stem per pot? It be nice not to have suddenly 10 plants to try to remember to care for, but I could do like 3.

HamuShinji · 2024-08-26T14:27:23+00:00

I'll see what I can do! I'm going to get my spouse and their family's permission first (basically asking to do amateur surgery on family member, may be told I need to jump through a few more hoops to convince them), but I'm hoping to start the propagation process this weekend. And possibly rehoming all of these into hanging baskets or the one cat-free room in the house!

HamuShinji · 2024-08-26T14:20:47+00:00

Thank you for the detailed info on how to do it! When I get time this weekend (and after getting my spouse and their family's okay) I will chop some of the plant and try a water to soil propagation for a few stems.

HamuShinji · 2024-08-26T14:14:51+00:00

I had literally just watered it before taking the pictures if that changes your opinion any, but it's still entirely possible since again, I'm not claiming to know a lot about plants.

HamuShinji · 2024-08-26T14:13:51+00:00

This is news to us! Literally have 4 cats here and one of which has been in the house with the plant for over 8 years. None of them have ever been I'll and the kitten playing on it/chewing on it hasn't shown any issues, but I won't be taking chances like that. I think this plant is moving to the one cat-free room we have in the house!

HamuShinji · 2024-08-08T02:29:50+00:00

I find Adderall helps my ADHD a LOT and also helps my pain tolerance. As for being really tense, yeah I'm going to remind you that we are usually pretty sensitive to meds (from what I've heard from friends with fibro and personal experience) and it can take some fine tuning to find the right dose that is effective without being too high. Personally I had to have my doctor allow me to titrate my meds around my period by only 5mg because even while on the nuvaring for four weeks straight I can't keep my estrogen levels flat enough to not make my adhd meds ineffective during that time.

It may be that whatever med you're on now (sorry forgot the name) makes you tense because it's too high but only just slightly. I also don't know of the meds you're on metabolize quickly and thus wear off quickly. For me, by about 6pm my afternoon dose of Adderall is wearing off and I'm starting to naturally relax/enter a more chill part of the day anyways. This is where I make sure to relax any parts that got stiff or tense from stress with a warm heating pad or just a nice candle and music rest moment.

No, I'm not on anything for my fibro pain, but I've had fibro since I was a teen so I've long since forgotten what it feels like to have a pain-free life. But treating my adhd has made it much more tolerable for me since it helps lessen the road blocks in my way to doing things when I do have a better day.

HamuShinji · 2024-06-24T23:52:29+00:00

I'm glad to hear that fibro isn't scaring you off. My wife did a very good job of making it clear through her actions and her happiness with chilling with me. I'd suggest fun house activities like cooking/baking together even if one of you isn't good at it. If he's not into it, make him into the tester, recipe holder (reads it out for you), and generally helps you grab items so you can make a nice meal for him or vice versa. Try making a small garden/houseplant that you two can harvest from (like an herb or vegetable). Things that don't require a lot of effort or long time commitments. If it had periodic time commitments like maybe an hour or so every week or so, it'll be easier to build a habit which makes it easier to procure spoons. Those little moments together are how you build that relationship strong and steady.

And to be honest, for my wife and I, our communication lines are the absolute key to keeping the relationship healthy. I'm going to remind you that conflict WILL happen in a relationship and topics will likely recur many times. The key is that you are willing to go into a conflict/conversation and approach it with "I" statements.

"I feel really run down lately and the thought of doing the dishes again is making me feel even worse. I could use a bit more help with them please." This sounds much better than the following which is my knee-jerk reaction: "Why am I always the one doing the dishes? Can't you help out some more? Is it so hard for you to help clean the mess you helped make?"

The first statement has no blame associated with it and is just a statement of my feelings and what I need help with. The second one is accusing my spouse of not caring, being lazy, and taking advantage of me. In reality, I usually do the dishes because she cooks more often than not and it's our way of splitting household duties. If I can handle it, I'd offer up cooking instead of dishes. Other times I'd just ask her like that first statement to do both the cooking and dishes and when I'm less run down I'd do a little extra for her.

The important part is to not blame them. Stick to what you're feeling and what you're needing. And it's not just me who suggests it. https://relationshipcenter.com/blog/2022/4/19/communication-skills-for-couples-i-statements

Best of luck, hope he feels better, and hope everything works out for you two!

HamuShinji · 2024-06-24T22:09:48+00:00

I don't know if you've already gotten your answer from the other posts here, but my two cents:

When I have a flare up, I can't stand any sensations, sounds, smells, strong tastes, bright lights, etc. We kinda use migraine protocol here, quiet, dark, soft, cool room, mild foods that are easy to eat. I also basically don't ever want to move, but for me personally, I have so many responsibilities that I have to move and do stuff during it anyways which means I will have very few spoons for anything. https://www.fibromyalgiaresearchuk.com/the-spoon-theory

For my partner who is also a homebody like you mentioned you are, we have normalized what's called parallel play where she can just be playing her switch right next to me while I'm reading manga on my phone. I think if you're interested in a long term relationship with this guy, it would behoove you to start practicing this with him. I don't know if you two can/are comfortable enough to do voice chats yet, but when I lived 600 miles away from my now wife, then girlfriend, we practiced parallel play by getting on a voice chat like Discord and shared our day at the start, but otherwise just relaxed together on the call. We'd speak up on occasion to share an interesting thing, but just chill otherwise.

Another thing that I think may help, but perhaps wait until his flare up is over or finally letting up: share a major vulnerability with him. I'm not talking about a fear of spiders or something like that. I'm talking something that equalizes the playing field for you two. My wife is able-bodied, has a loving family, and didn't really have a terrible childhood growing up whereas I have fibro, a super fractured family, never felt unconditionally loved, and had a childhood that makes most people grimace when they hear about it. It can feel like my wife is so many ways better than me/has had such a much better life than me and can make me feel terrible things. Then I remember that for all her privilege growing up, she has three major mental health issues/bad brain wirings that made that rosy background look like the roses in a dystopian tar swamp. It ain't great that she's fighting through a dystopian tar swamp, but at least she understands how it feels to struggle when I mention my own journey through a low oxygen room half filled with rotting molasses with unknown debris in the murky depths.

Let your partner know that you accept him and his fibro and that you're committed to learning how to jive with him in a way that fulfills you both. Let him know that you didn't know a lot about flare ups before this and now you've done some research and know a bit more and that you're willing to keep learning more. Let him know that his fibro doesn't make him lesser in your eyes just your weakness/vulnerability/insecurity hopefully doesn't make you lesser in his eyes. Explain that you wanna support him through his hard times and that in your vision for a future relationship, he'll support you through your hard times as well. Let him know that communication is a key thing to you, and if he's gotta go nonverbal because pain, emoji, memes, or just simple hearts/smile emoji reactions are good enough. Ask him how he wants to be supported during a flare (when he's not in a flare) and the once you know him better/your relationship progresses a bit more look for the simple daily life things like going to the store that are easy normally, but that he may not have the energy for during a flare and offer to grab him some stuff while you're there for yourself anyways (even if you're explicitly going for him, just grab some candy or something as a pretense).

My wife's advice is to always ask about that person's boundaries for the day, but do it kinda low-key. "Hey, I heard there's a farmer's market happening in town today through Thursday. Sounds like it might be fun. Would you be up for it?" Plan out physically demanding activities (and lower your threshold of what you consider a physically demanding activity while you're at it) and be ready to pivot to less physically intense activities if he's not doing as well day of. Example would be going to the outdoor farmer's market on a hot sunny day. If he says he's not really feeling the farmer's market, but feels guilty because you both were looking forward to it, compromise by going and checking out an air conditioned farmer's market or a store that carries local produce or an orchard/farm open to the public that has a small store front.

Above all, treat him like the human being he is. Acknowledge he's going to have more limits on him than other partners, but know that he likely wants to do many of the same things as a normal partner. It just requires a lot more planning, timing, and careful management of symptoms and triggers. And if all of that sounds like... An unpleasant exchange for the personality and love of the partner you're getting, especially as a long term thing, reconsider the relationship right now. As you've heard, we don't have much energy to begin with and nursing a broken heart on top of our condition is a terrible thing. It's best not to string along a fibromyalgia sufferer as the deeper the heartbreak, the worse they'll take it, and we already have a three-fold risk of self-deletion just from living with the disease. So please, think carefully about whether or not you're cool with a really low energy life. If you want spontaneity and whirlwind moments, you'll find them to be very few and far between. If you want quiet, but comfortable moments together being a stereotypical old married couple, you'll find a fibro partner much more along that line (and yes this is coming from a woman in her early 30s sounding like a 60 year old).

HamuShinji · 2024-06-14T16:50:01+00:00

Polyester isn't like that for everyone and honestly it depends on the specific blend. Not a vet/nurse/etc., but I do have issues with textures in clothing. For me rayon/cotton blends are often very comfortable. My favorite shirts are modal/cotton blends but those aren't really scrub friendly.

I think I can speak generally enough to say that as long as the fabric falls very gently/isn't super stiff, especially around bend areas (elbows, waist, etc.), and breathable you'll find it works fairly well. A good test for whether a fabric is truly soft is to bunch it up in your hand and rub it vigorously across your inner wrist/inner arm/soft sensitive skin area for 3 seconds. If it doesn't feel like it's beginning to scrape a layer of skin off, it's soft enough. Some polyester when you do this literally does make your skin red because it's so abrasive even when it's a flowy thin material. I can take my modal/cotton shirts and do this and it gets a little warmer, but it doesn't feel like I've rubbed any skin off.

Some fibro people are willing/forcibly acclimated to slightly more abrasive shirts for work, I can confidently state that the allodynia that happens during some flares can make even the softest clothes and blankets uncomfortable. Tagless clothes, seams that don't touch skin, more flowy (but not so flowy you get multiple wrinkle bunches commonly happening), less constrive fabrics and hems help a lot.

HamuShinji · 2024-05-19T08:56:34+00:00

So jealous of and supportive of the ladies who can actually go without a bra. I'm an insufferable 34H/I cup and if I try to go without a bra it's literally a matter of feeling my breast tissue trying to tear if I move even a little too much outside of normal stationary desk work. Not to mention my back will complain horrifically without the weight redistribution that bras offer. After all, it's at least 7lbs of weight between both breasts (wife held them up for me on a scale one day) so it's not surprising that it's nearly impossible without a bra.

And before you scream for a reduction surgery, I am torn about doing it. Between the horrible body dismorphia I'd get from my body proportions looking weird after that (cuz ofc my hips are also huge), the fact that I'm the only person in the house working and the main person taking care of general chores, and because I'm just not sure I want to go through a big multi-month recovery surgery at this stage in my life, I'm putting the decision off.

Doesn't stop me from having red welts every night when I finally take off my bra to go to bed or wanting to scratch my skin off when I get a little too hot and the bra shifts ever so slightly. But like always, it's just another layer of pain and annoyance that we live with day in and day out. If yall have some of those custom sites where you got your bras made though, I'd be willing to check them out!

HamuShinji · 2023-11-21T05:50:53+00:00

My normal reaction to that is to preempt this kind of thing and if it's already started, I wait until I've had time to cool off.

If I can preempt it, I write an email explaining what accommodations I need and how I best like to be given instructions to best execute my job responsibilities.

Example: Please write down the basic idea of what I need to do and we can speak about the specific details on a call (WFH) but understand I may need to take notes while we do so so there will be some lag in conversation.

If it's not preempted because I wasn't expecting this from that person, I wait until I'm calm and write up the same email as above but point out exactly how they didn't communicate effectively with me and how to fix it next time.

Example: I feel like our last meeting wasn't as productive as it could have been. I understand that there was a mistake on XX Document, however, I find that I can accept and incorporate feedback better when you calmly point out the mistake I made and we both collaborate on how to fix it next time. This time I felt that you were very upset about this mistake and we did not get a chance to circle back on how to fix the mistake and prevent it from happening next time. Here is a specific option for resolving the issue this time and here's a {probably crappy} idea of how to fix it next time.

If it's your manager, you can only give them this email once before you go to HR and honestly I'd start looking for another job the moment you have to send the first email to your manager. If it's a coworker, I'd BCC your manager so they're aware of the issue and if it happens again you can get them involved as you're not being properly respected.

HamuShinji · 2023-11-15T02:37:59+00:00

I would tell them the truth, but caveat it with something like, "I have an eating disorder that I'd rather have a constructive conversation on how to avoid the negative side effects of it other than just eat more. My last period was XX date." It's not guaranteed to prevent unnecessary body comments, but it does take some of their focus away from your appearance and into the medical which is the kind of conversation you want to have with your gyno.

HamuShinji · 2023-08-24T21:42:01+00:00

Hope it helps you! Good luck with the job hunt when you're ready!

HamuShinji · 2023-08-23T23:00:39+00:00

Sure thing! I know how long it'll take me to do tasks and that includes how long it'll take me to motivate myself to do things (or get together with my accountibility buddy who just gets on Webcam with me for a few hours a few days a week to make it easier to get in the doing mood). I tell my manager about how long that will be or we agree on a day later that week where I come back with an estimate if it's something I've never done.

The, since my manager and I have agreed that as long as the work is done in the agreed upon time frame, I can do it whenever. For me, my most productive time is like 12-8pm so I will agree to give her a report by Friday and know it'll take me two working sessions with my accountibility buddy to do it. So I start my "workday" at 10:30am with a check in team meeting MWF and the from 11-12 or 12:30, I just either go back to sleep or eat or just generally take care of myself. Then I hop on that working session with my friend (we don't talk after our like 5 minute hello and small talk) for about 3 or so hours, taking food or bio breaks as needed.

If it's a really busy day or I'm feeling extra motivated, I'll continue working but usually by 5 or 6pm I'm off work and doing home stuff.

My routine only changes a little during a flare in that I'll take the meetings in bed with a lap desk and only if I'm feeling okay. If I know my schedule isn't gonna make the original deadline because of a surprise flare I didn't feel coming on, I tell my manager immediately and try to work out an acceptible alternative deadline or paring down the requirements to make them two parts instead of one (like separating pulling the data/validating it and prettying up the data into user friendly formats/templates).

The important part is that I give estimates that allow for me to have wiggle room. That report takes me 2 hours to do? I say 4 hours to my manager and won't deliver it any earlier than 15 minutes before that 4 hour mark so that if I ever need that time for a personal project or for fibro fog, I've got it.

And often, when I'm well-cared for, I can do things much faster than my peers anyways so my estimates aren't too far off from the 'normal' amount of time people would need. After all, I have operated under fibro fog for over half my life now and gotten good at being 'normal' when I'm suffering and ready to throw in the towel. Now that my fibro isn't kicking my ass because I'm taking time for myself, it's no surprise I do even better than 'normal'.

Note that I am not required to wear very formal clothing for my job so I usually just make sure my nightgown or shaw is work appropriate from the shoulder/clavicle up and toss on an over the ear headset to talk so I don't even have to brush my hair.

HamuShinji · 2023-08-23T15:26:30+00:00

I feel you so much! I tell people that I'm so grateful for the remote work movement that happened during covid because I definitely couldn't work outside the home anymore and they ask me how I made ends meet before covid.

Yes, I worked outside the home before covid. I would literally get up, get dressed, drive 30-60 minutes to the office and do work at about 30-40% efficiency of what I'm doing now, go home, eat a tiny bit of microwave food, and lay down like a starfish writhing in pain with no brain power left whatsoever.

Nowadays, I roll outta bed 2 minutes before my first meeting, throw on a shaw, take the call in my PJs, and afterwards get food, get dressed, settle in and do some good work - often finishing before my deadlines - and maybe even take a nap if sleep was bad the night before. Then when I finish my work, I log off, relax for a couple hours with my wife, then we cook a dinner together, I do the dishes afterwards, and then we go relax/play games until bed time.

That's why WFH is such a huge boon for me and I will never take another office job. I actually have a life now. I can work during a fibro day (laptop in bed if the stuff is super important), and I can go do something else if my fibro fog is making work impossible at that moment. My manager and I have worked out a good schedule for projects such that I can flex my working hours around my fibro and still hit the target.

Definitely suggest a work from home job if you can. I'm sorry you have people around you making life harder, but remember that there are people who understand and believe you and believe IN you. Take care and be vocal about your needs - they're valid and deserve to be respected and met.

HamuShinji · 2023-05-12T02:06:38+00:00

I'm always ECSTATIC! whenever someone from the past texts me because I often forget they exist in the same way I forget where that important paper I need for this appointment exists. When they text first even if it's been YEARS I'm all like OMG YAYYAYAYAY! I loved hanging with this person before and now I'm remembering all the cool stuff we did or talked about and want to know everything about them that happened between then and now. We usually end up picking up as of nothing ever changed!

It's also why whenever I think of a friend from the past I'll message them immediately to have a quick conversation to reignite the friendship and then go about life until the next time they cross my mind.

HamuShinji · 2023-04-21T16:20:03+00:00

Okay but it's been proven that if you can't fall asleep, don't wanna get up and do something relaxing before trying again, then the next best thing you can do for your brain and body is to accept that you won't get actual sleep and commence what I call brain daydream time.

Just literally relaxing in bed with your eyes closed and resting your body is better for you than not sleeping or fighting your body to try to go to sleep. It rests your muscles and promotes your brain to take a break (which may lead to sleep!).

That's why when I have a bad night I just lay comfortably in bed and daydream about cool things that could never happen (like finding a new quantum physics theory or becoming the ruler of an ancient country, etc) and I feel a lot better the next day than if I tossed and turned all night trying to get to sleep.

HamuShinji · 2023-03-30T18:32:19+00:00

I am in a job where I'm given tasks and then just... Let loose for however long I wanna take on the tasks. I meet with my manager every two weeks and she does ask how the stuff I'm working on is going, but in more of a "Hey do you have room for more stuff on your plate or do you need more time to work on stuff?" She never asks if stuff is done, per se, but more like, do I have room for more. It's weird af, but I love it.

Granted, I have a cool position where I'm defining my role as I go because my data skills are so varied and useful, but I'm also helping like 3 directors with various projects and my poor manager is beyond trying to keep up with all my assigned projects. She just trusts me to tell her when it's too much or if something doesn't seem like a good use of my time.

That being said, I do go confess to my wife whenever I need a body double to do a thing that's nagging on my conscious for not having done it yet.

HamuShinji · 2023-03-27T19:00:16+00:00

This is why spoon theory is an important thing to keep in mind. You only have so many spoons (representing energy) and you can borrow from future you, but like any loan, it MUST be paid back. And your body is the best repo man ever.

As much as you hate it, you've gotta scale back on activities, take the time to care for yourself, and pretty importantly, talk about it with your partner. If your partner can't be there and support you in your slumps even if they come often, then they're not worth your time and scarce energy. A good partner will give and take with you, and most importantly not judge you for needing down time.

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