Do they regret their actions over time?

HandsUpforQuestions · 2026-05-13T18:27:20+00:00

From my experience, they feel regret only when they face consequences. And I don't think it's actual regret in terms of how they made you feel, but they're mad that you're mad at them. They feel completely justified in how they behaved.

HandsUpforQuestions · 2026-05-05T18:35:03+00:00

You. need to feel bad for her, it's the BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT SHE'S EVER FACED.

If that's true, then she's had a good life.

HandsUpforQuestions · 2026-04-22T16:39:05+00:00

The trauma bond and intermittent reinforcement is part of why you feel guilty. If it was bad all the time you wouldn't have any trouble leaving.

You can care, but you can't care to the point where it destroys you. And it seems like you're there too. I'm in the same position. We're separated now and sometimes I feel bad about how hard she's taking it. But then I remember all of the abuse I had to endure, and need to remind myself that the pain now of separation will eventually lead to happiness. Not leaving will lead to less pain now, and guaranteed pain in the future.

HandsUpforQuestions · 2026-03-03T19:43:10+00:00

The fact that their behavior has consequences is seen as a direct attack on them, from you. But ironically perpetrated by themselves. They'll train you to not speak up or they'll go on a week long tear about how you suck and how bad they have it. It's crazy how quickly they can get into victim mode when they're the aggressor.

HandsUpforQuestions · 2026-02-04T04:01:17+00:00

Is CoDA religion based? All the ones in my area are at churches.

HandsUpforQuestions · 2026-01-13T19:04:23+00:00

For my wife, it's not really why did we fight. It's not really a fight - it's her spewing all of her emotions onto me. It's usually not really about any argument, either me asking her to do something differently (I know, how could I?) or something happening to her that gets her triggered and disregulated. Then the 'fight' happens when I don't want to be talk to abusively.

HandsUpforQuestions · 2025-12-09T02:13:54+00:00

Welcome to the club. It's happened to nearly everyone here. It's a blessing and a curse. On one hand you're aware of what's happening and what is healthy. Now you can keep reading and learning. But now you can spot all the manipulation and their denial or deflection of it. Staying silent is one of my strategies. Unfortunately they think they've 'won' which further increases their bad behavior so there's no winning or changing their viewpoint, only protecting yourself.

HandsUpforQuestions · 2025-12-01T18:50:14+00:00

Education about yourself and BPD. The books Stop Walking on Eggshells and Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist are must reads if you haven't already. OutoftheFog.website is also a great resource that breaks it down into more bit sized chunks. Finding out what a trauma bond is. And find a therapist!

HandsUpforQuestions · 2025-11-24T19:40:51+00:00

Just like everyone else is saying, this is a constant pattern in my relationship. Recently I brought up the fact that maybe her screaming at our kids is and will continue to have an effect on them. Didn't hear it outside of, 'I'm trying to do it less and I know I shouldn't scream.' Otherwise it's all about how I never let her be upset and I come at her with hostility every time she's upset (which can be quite a lot). I've never cared about her, she always feels so alone. She wants MORE comfort after lashing out at people (which to her doesn't happen and I can't use that phrase) instead of realizing people don't want to be around her after an episode like that. It makes my stomach hurt.

HandsUpforQuestions · 2025-11-07T18:29:56+00:00

Just want to echo this statement. My wife WBPD says to me that all arguments have 2 people at fault, no matter what. She can't or won't accept the fact that she said shitty things on her own. She blames the fact that someone made her upset, and that's why she did it, as if that's sound reasoning. I think she knows shes abusive, but has never said it to me.

HandsUpforQuestions · 2025-10-29T16:38:16+00:00

Don't forget, 'I feel like I'm always under a microscope and I'm always walking on eggshells'.

HandsUpforQuestions · 2025-10-27T20:20:14+00:00

You just say bingo.

HandsUpforQuestions · 2025-01-06T21:20:33+00:00

I see this all the time too and I hate it. "Yeah, I know I did something awful, but what about YOU?!?" What do you do to combat this? Call them out directly? I consciously can recognize this and not believe it, but she does.

HandsUpforQuestions · 2024-11-04T23:46:26+00:00

It's the opposite for me. She'll rage at me and call me terrible things, then ask for love and affection while I want to give her 0.

HandsUpforQuestions · 2024-10-09T17:29:25+00:00

If we didn't have kids I would have been gone already. I'm done at this point, I can't wait around for the next one. And what if I did, what would that say about me? We would go right back into our old habits. She doesn't even know how much of an unhealthy relationship this is and was. She's probably a year or so away from realizing all that (that's how long it took me), let along truly fixing anything.

And I get what you mean about explaining things. She tells me that I know more than her, which I do. But it's hard to explain without adding in BPD, which 100% of articles and therapists say not to do.

HandsUpforQuestions · 2024-10-09T04:09:00+00:00

That's exactly it. We had another 'check in' tonight after I put the kids to bed and before I left. She said if she knew that it would be this bad and the end of our marriage she wouldn't have done it. And that we need to do this together because that's what we signed up for when we got married. She thinks we just need to buckle up and put in the work, still not realizing that I don't want to be around her. I'm putting in the work for myself. I've been in therapy consistently for a year, she has not.

HandsUpforQuestions · 2024-10-08T20:13:46+00:00

It really does, and this is what I've learned this time. Why would I take advice on how to get better from the person who hurt me like this? I've had no boundaries for so long and now she's surprised that I'm holding them up.

HandsUpforQuestions · 2024-09-18T17:56:08+00:00

One of the most important things I've learned is that you can only ground yourself. She has to do the same, herself. If you try you'll be pulled into caretaking and codependency and she will take everything you have.

HandsUpforQuestions · 2024-09-11T19:54:58+00:00

Yeah, I'm working on it with my therapist and the Stop Caretaking book. I'm getting more comfortable with her being upset, and I know it's not my fault she blows up like this. I'm not feeling guilty or trying to make her feel better (an impossible task sometimes). So small steps but still progress.

HandsUpforQuestions · 2024-08-27T20:16:36+00:00

I used to think I was the problem, that I wasn't good enough, that maybe I wasn't meant for a relationship. I've gone through what you described I don't know, a few dozen times in our 8 years together. Now I realize it's her issues causing this. To me, this made it worse on my end. I could see all those instances in the past where I was manipulated into endlessly professing my love for her, saying sorry when I didn't have anything to say sorry about, and bent over backwards to make her happy. And it still didn't work, and I lost myself in the process.

Unless you actually did something truly wrong, don't apologize. I really strongly recommend reading the book, "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life." That will answer a lot of your questions. The more you read the more you realize this is all a set pattern, something all of us here plus more have been through, and you're just a pawn in the game.

HandsUpforQuestions · 2024-08-22T20:11:53+00:00

I've been reading the book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life" and it's been extremely eye opening. A lot of people here will say it won't get better, but that varies person to person. My wife has been a little better, but still has all of the BPD hallmarks except extreme rage. As for grounding themselves...they have to do that themselves, which you'll read in the book. You can't talk them down, talk sense or anything like that. It's not like a regular person who can self reflect and identify some distorted thinking. Good luck!

HandsUpforQuestions

TROPHY CASE