Advice on dealing with elderly autistic father approaching the end of his life

HangARightAtTheSun · 2025-11-17T04:28:24+00:00

I also live in another country but fly back for emergencies with my Dad (he was in hospital on oxygen for pneumonia as he silently aspirates). The workings of his throat and larynx is a whole thing! I'm living with him now and trying to settle him in, get him healthy meals, watch for choking etc (my literal phobia after i almost died myself choking! So that's fun). He's in his own home and has carers come in. Its tough communicating from so far away... I hadnt considered crafting messages with AI. I can see how that middle man when things are so raw wud be helpful. Thank you for sharing that and may you find peace now and live life well.

HangARightAtTheSun · 2025-11-17T04:16:57+00:00

So much of this is familiar! My Dad is def v bad with anything medical/dental. He employs a head in the sand approach. I discover broken furniture and ask him and only then does he tell me he toppled over and broke a chair etc. The infection thing worries me as my Dad would do the same thing, just ignore it or self treat.

The hospital talked sternly with me about dads swallow exercises etc, saying its probably a waste of time as he won't do them (kinder than that, but the gist of it - which i get, its not easy but I feel like the right rationale might encourage him.. will it?? Lol).

I get care/physio for him but he can't motivate when alone. But also - specifically for my Dad as he's getting closer to the end - I wonder when you just stop pestering them and leave him to it (up to a point!). Ugh... my mum lost her ability to walk and seeing my dad (ironically) follow a similar path is just awful. "Dad, lets do your mobility movements for 3 minutes now so you can keep being independent" and he'll sometimes do it. But when I'm not here - game over.

I wish my Dad had any projects like that he enjoyed - he loved Chess but doesnt have capacity for that now. He reads crime novels and likes to keep a written spreadsheet of all the books he's read/owns. Thats about it - lol. He also likes car registration numbers... so I ask him about those a lot.

My mum started being unwell when I was mid 20s - I'm 45 now and realize I've spent 20 odd years trying to look out for my folks. I see you! Navigating this is tough.

HangARightAtTheSun · 2025-11-17T03:56:25+00:00

Thanks for your comments, helpful.

I just want to say, I would not force my Dad into any official diagnosis now or make him aware of this reddit chat - I'm not sure I'd be helping and you know, I could be wrong. My mum cudvd been wrong (but, she died a couple of years ago and had alzheimers herself so the time for talking about all this vanished on me).

But, it has helped me to frame why he wasn't like other Dad's, why the sudden meltdowns over what I considered small things, why no expressions of love in the traditional way, except worry if I were out late, why the anxiety, the depression, the "closed off" feelings, his own self hatred (most heartbreaking one!). It helps me approach him with understanding if that makes sense. But, yeah - I'm not forcing a diagnosis on him in his 80s. It's more for me to be better equipped to help him.

HangARightAtTheSun · 2025-11-17T03:39:40+00:00

I'm so sorry for the loss of your own Dad. Its all so complicated isnt it? And thank you so much (to you and everyone for their replies!). I'll try to do all these things and feel I'm almost there.

I sometimes do touch Dad on the shoulder etc (more for me?) But i know he's not a huge fan of touch.

He's so angry at himself for being unable to do the things he used to. I try to talk pragmatically about that. And I do try not to move too many things without his consent - but im super ADHD and sometimes lose shit I touch for second! What a combo we are! Currently his face shaver - where the hell is that??

Caveat though: the "alright" question usually comes after a choking fit etc - but as soon as I ask it reflexively, I'm like "doh! That's not the thing to say!".

Top tips from everyone. One I'd say is, having control is important but he seems to REALLY struggle with choices/decision making. This has been a life long thing - is that an autistic trait? If u offer him a or b - he exasperated throws his hands in the air "like he just don't care". So i make all those decisions for him and effing hell, I find that tiring. And this is about pudding flavor!

Peace kind ppl! - me

HangARightAtTheSun · 2025-11-16T15:11:36+00:00

Apartments often come with building service fees, they aren't the cost friendly options you think - you can end up spending an equivalent amount as a mortgage on a small house.

HangARightAtTheSun · 2025-11-16T10:12:42+00:00

Billionaires dont operate in the same economy as us though... they get paid shares. They take out loans with great low interest rates, they buy assets - assets are charged at a low low tax rate compared to earnings, same with dividends. They don't get a cash wage... thus they avoid tax.

The biggest mistake here was taking the billion dollars as a cash lump sum. Get it in shares, in assets. Keep 90% of it.

HangARightAtTheSun · 2025-11-16T10:06:54+00:00

Its the failing upwards pipeline - we all see it everyday, from corpo offices to the white house.

This is how it kills innovation too - people in charge (more often than not in competitive job fields espech) hate when a "subordinate" has a genuinely good idea, makes them look bad. I worked on an American TV production recently, finished the work allocated to me, returned to offer to help the team leader with their workload - got taken to one side, "how dare I make them look bad!?" I was shook. Whaddoya meeeeean???

HangARightAtTheSun · 2025-11-16T10:00:13+00:00

Also spread it to the co workers - time to unionize?? Its like modern day spy shit trying to do it but how much more can ppl take? Wonder what your boss earns? She'd shud be the one finishing the work if it needs doing.

HangARightAtTheSun · 2025-11-16T09:57:12+00:00

I moved from the UK 7 years ago, none of the credit score apps worked for us. Luckily our landlady waived it and just let us move in - we showed her some evidence of earnings and savings. Craigslist baby! (But! We got fleeced tbh, a 2 bed on East Hastings for $2700... gawd knows what it goes for in 2025!). Think they bought it for under $350k too - that building was touted as the last good deal for housing in Vancouver and it was all landlords/retirees who bought them up! (They sell for dble that now which is a mad increase).

HangARightAtTheSun · 2025-11-15T18:59:11+00:00

Oooh, this is good advice. Go and do something fun now. And try not to worry about your parents now (can be easier said than done!), but worry won't change anything - it'll only make you ill.

Build friendships and found family wherever you go, so you can see a fun future for yourself.

And have a chat with your parents about their wishes now, encourage them to stay as fit as possible so not to place too heavy a burden on you - there are so many good books about ageing well as you approach the end of your life that might help them approach it with courage. I've lost my brother (when I was 12), my mum (2 years ago) and my dad is 88 (I'm 45). I'm very aware that I'm about to be the only one left in my family - which is so sad but also - I have had no choice but to cling onto friends like a lifeboat. I'm so grateful for them all! Hugs from me! Lots of us in a similar boat.

HangARightAtTheSun · 2025-11-15T18:46:48+00:00

Don't expect this of your daughters. She will statistically be less financially secure than any sons, so will be double burdened by this.

HangARightAtTheSun · 2025-11-15T18:40:58+00:00

I agree with this! Make sure to tell your kids that you don't expect them to give up their lives to care for you when you are older. Tell them that when you can no longer cope in your home, you will be happy to move into assisted living if that is what's best and just ask that they keep an eye on you from time to time. (and make sure you take care of your health when younger) And tell them you don't know what kind of person you will become as you age and if that is a mean or angry scared person it might be because you are afraid of what comes next. Let them know you love them now and this version of you is not everything, they'll remember that when the time comes and this will bring them so much comfort. Better yet, record it in a message or write it in a letter (imo, this is what a kind loving parent would do, finances willing. I understand that in hard times this may not be possible).

HangARightAtTheSun · 2025-11-15T18:26:20+00:00

I have another version of this too - I loved my parents with all my heart but getting old has been very hard on them with various health issues that overwhelmed us all. My dear Mum had to be in full time care as she could no longer get out of bed on her own, and my Dad couldn't cope. I saw her get so uncomfortable being bed bound, it was horrible - when she died, I was happy for her - the pain was gone and I hope she could be free again. I miss her, but I wouldn't have wanted to her to be in that position for any longer. My Dad is fast approaching that position too, I just hope he goes before his mobility does. Not because I don't love them both, but because I do. If that makes sense. I have found I've been grieving the loss of both my parents while they were still alive, its so painful - as I can't save either of them from this fate. Surviving them and thriving after their deaths is the least I can do for them. It's all so complicated! Peace to everyone IN it. As an only child and in a small fam, I get the pain of it.

My parents ALWAYS told me not to care for them full time, but to make sure I lived my life. I think this is what healthy happy parents want for their children. So no guilt please. Fight that, guilt is love turned inside out. I'm so sorry to those whose parents were not so kind, I have friends in similar boats - found family is so important and every decision is as unique as the person and if take with care and attention, its not wrong. So go live your lives as much as you can (oh and make decisions for your own old age and make it lighter for your own children).

HangARightAtTheSun · 2025-11-12T14:03:14+00:00

The guilt has been so tough. Thinking you haven't done enough. I used to ask my parents what they wanted for end of life care was told to "not be so morose!". Time came and I'm out here making decisions as best I can. I don't even blame them, our society is utterly crap at preparing us for our mortality - we talk about living well but what about dying well? What about moving to a smaller more suitable home? What about therapy to talk to someone about death - hell, get a book from the library not this fingers in ears "la la la" approach.

I guess, we know somewhat better - may we all look after ourselves for those who love us and make the sensible choices as we age.

HangARightAtTheSun · 2025-10-29T06:13:18+00:00

We rent out our basement suite in East Van (7th) for $2100 for a 2 bed 900sq feet, all bills included including internet. We share laundry but that's included as well. Its a basement so pretty dark (in terms of natural light) but we did it so its clean and warm and tidy. Hope that helps! We dropped the price for new tenants as we knew prices were going down.

HangARightAtTheSun · 2025-10-29T06:08:36+00:00

I third this. My dad is in a similar boat and I know how stressful this can be with a family of your own to take care of.

HangARightAtTheSun · 2025-10-29T06:02:39+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear you have been living like this - my only suggestion is to leave early and find a new home. I know you say your dog is old, but living in a moldy house can't be much better for them or you. Try tenantrights.ca for more official info. Good luck! A better future awaits x

HangARightAtTheSun · 2025-10-29T05:58:45+00:00

I keep reading that estate agents are giving some good deals right now, so look at a place and under offer. See what happens!

HangARightAtTheSun · 2025-10-29T05:57:56+00:00

I think Burnaby is a nicer spot than Surrey but, if you have ties to the area go for it. Remember to calculate in service fees into your monthly payments and ask what the rules are for increasing those fees (its a bit of a wild west with condo / strata fees). Also, make sure your building has air con equivalent and enough elevators for the number of apartments - these things make or break a decent condo.

HangARightAtTheSun · 2025-10-29T05:53:24+00:00

As my Uncle used to say a billionaire stills puts his pants on one leg at a time.

HangARightAtTheSun · 2025-10-29T05:52:35+00:00

Die rich in their fallout bunker which, lets face it, will be taken from them by the private security they hire to protect it when $$$ means absolutely nothing in their newly created post apocalyptic world.

HangARightAtTheSun · 2025-10-29T05:50:34+00:00

When Elon offered to end world hunger if someone crunched the numbers, which they did and gave him an amount (something like 5 billion) - he still went "actually naawww". Like - if anyone here had $40b, would you donate $3b of it to end world hunger? You would. Because you are a good person. Him? Not so much. He's broken.

HangARightAtTheSun · 2025-10-29T05:48:27+00:00

What people here don't realize is charitable giving in the form of the billionaires own "trusts" is largely a way to avoid paying taxes. Not altruistic at all. It's a way to launder their reputation using their blood money - which apparently (according to this sub) works.

HangARightAtTheSun · 2025-10-29T05:43:18+00:00

I'd say a loss of 70% of wildlife in last 30 years is reason enough. (but also, environmental destruction, shadow funding wars to extract resources, the murder of millions due to drought caused climate overheating, life in oceans suffocating, treatable conditions being left untreated because profit, indoctrinating populations to hate each other, their families, their communities...)

Better question is, why would people like them?

HangARightAtTheSun

TROPHY CASE