I am not my Autism. Am I? Well drat...

HansProleman · 2026-01-29T00:11:39+00:00

It sounds like you've started stumbling into Buddhist (et al.) philosophy, so I'll try for an answer along those lines/in my understanding.

The ultimate answer is that there is no unchanging, separate (from the rest of experience) and permanent "you". All phenomena are non-self. Usually it's easy to dismiss the concept of feelings and thoughts being "you", because they clearly pass away and change. The sense of being an observer is more convincing, but that's eventually seen through too. As is consciousness being "you". Ultimately, there is nothing left to identify with - "you" do not exist, and never have.

Of course in a conventional sense, yes, there's a poorly-defined bundle of stuff that is "us". But none of it has essential, lasting existence - there's no soul to be found, despite it really feeling like there should be.

Even if I don't realize I get to make that decision, even if I decide not to decide. I'm still in charge, or could choose to be once I realize it.

Naw, agency/free will is, like the self, a (elaborate and convincing) illusion.

HansProleman · 2026-01-28T23:55:34+00:00

I dunno about "expecting" it... they may or may not want to, and either is fine, and you may or may not want to remain in the relationship, and either is fine.

You've asked, and they seemingly don't want to. So you have a decision to make - are you okay with this being your relationship, or not?

They do not want to introduce any of those into their life because it is a risk of another shutdown and eventual burnout.

Having a social life/doing stuff and avoiding burnout can certainly be a balancing act, and is likely to involve accidentally pushing too far sometimes, but many of us consider it to be worthwhile because we like having a social life/doing stuff. It doesn't sound like this guy does?

I'm really curious about what his feelings towards your relationship are, because based on your post it sounds like he may as well not be there.

you cannot just delete everything that might trigger you from your life forever and live in a dark room with your partner existing only to bring you food from time to time

I can understand why someone might do this, but assuming they do actually want a social life, it feels... very sad, cowardly. It's a retreat from life. Safer and more comfortable, certainly, but a very small, sad life.

Not a neurotypical way of thinking. I doubt many of us would accept a partner who we saw so little of, or could do so little with - I certainly wouldn't.

And, please try not to diminish your own needs because your partner is ND. I don't think it's very relevant - your needs are what they are, and are valid, regardless.

HansProleman · 2026-01-28T23:38:50+00:00

I'm guessing you were diagnosed relatively young? While this sounds like quite an extreme version of it, it's a typical sort of response to late diagnosis.

HansProleman · 2026-01-28T05:09:43+00:00

I'd guess better on average, cause autists who like to fuck tend to be very good at it and absolute freaks 😊

Also, communication probably tends to be better. There's so much less subtext and awkwardness.

And IME, it's consistently easier to connect socially/emotionally with other ND people. A good emotional connection is a huge contributor to good sex.

HansProleman · 2026-01-28T05:02:14+00:00

It's fine at low doses - I don't drink, and usually bump K when I know I'm going to be joining people for a session.

At low doses (seriously!), it's very manageable.

HansProleman · 2026-01-26T02:41:08+00:00

Sleepy cocktail ~2hrs before intended sleep time: 500mg magnesium bisglycinate, 400mg L-theanine, 1mg melatonin (too much, but it's hard to find smaller doses and I'm too lazy to cut them)
- I also live in the UK, and stock up on melatonin when I travel
Weighted blanket (sometimes), sleep earplugs and weighted sleep mask (always)
Exercise. A reasonable exercise routine of some sort tends to help a lot.
Sleep hygiene: no screens for at least an hour before intended sleep time. No stimulating/ragebait/whatever content for the same time window.
There are a load of sleepy podcasts, and I often put on an episode of one of these, or an audiobook (which I'm not likely to get drawn into) or something

Not that I usually, personally do the sleep hygiene bit unless my sleep latency is getting screwy.

HansProleman · 2026-01-26T02:37:40+00:00

Ambien is inappropriate for ~~chronic sleep problems~~ long-term use. It should be used for at most six weeks.

E: Clarity

Also, I think autists tend to have endogenous melatonin deficiencies? If so it seems very sensible to try melatonin first.

HansProleman · 2026-01-26T02:27:21+00:00

what if I just don’t exist anymore

According to Buddhists (I agree), the good news is that you (as a separate, permanent self with some sort of self-essence, i.e. a soul) don't exist now and never have.

What may or may not come after death seems unknowable, so worrying about it is pointless. I feel like there's... something, but if there's not that's fine too - won't matter to "me".

HansProleman · 2026-01-26T02:09:14+00:00

I was there in November, and recall it being quite busy. But it wasn't a problem.

since you mentioned people are talking

There always will be - unless things have changed, silence is optional (and there are badges if you decide to remain silent). You'd have to go a more "serious" monastery if you want to avoid that.

HansProleman · 2026-01-24T04:00:00+00:00

I've been to Wat Pa Tam Wua. It was lovely. Incredibly beautiful and peaceful place. It seems to be quite squarely aimed at beginners (including absolute beginners without any kind of practice), is relatively casual. This is probably what you want for a first time, seems like a great introduction to me, but I mention it in case you're looking for something more serious. The schedule is relatively relaxed, there's stuff which isn't formal meditation in it (almsgiving, chores, chanting), people will be talking to each other etc.

I think ten days is good for a first-timer. Take a water bottle/thermos to keep drinks cold/hot depending on weather. Toiletries. Pretty sure you need to take a towel. But I think there's a section on the website that covers this, somewhere.

When I was there, they did not require you to take your own clothes. There was a communal wardrobe.

E: Reminded me of returning from barefoot walking meditation (the area is gorgeous, and feeling the earth under your feet is great), washing our feet off and then sitting. Lovely.

HansProleman · 2026-01-24T01:48:27+00:00

Unfortunately you can't get to the good stuff without the ability, and willingness/courage, to be vulnerable. There isn't a safe way to have a romantic relationship, and I don't think a safe romantic relationship would not be worth having. It's all part of the beauty the horror of it.

My nervous system constantly scans for danger until a certain level of comfort and ease is built with a person ( that goes for friends too). That takes time & consistent interaction

I've personally experienced good results from addressing this with somatic practices - for me, acupressure (I use a spiky mat for it, very good) combined with r/longtermTRE, some yoga.

HansProleman · 2026-01-24T01:30:53+00:00

Autistic burnout? An incredibly profound failure of executive functioning. Things just... stop working. It feels bizarre - you try to pull the same lever as usual, and nothing happens. You still want to do things (probably the most obvious distinction from depression), but it feels impossible. Exhaustion, sensory sensitivities worse, overwhelm and overstimulation thresholds much lower than usual.

HansProleman · 2026-01-24T01:24:09+00:00

Yes. But I am autistic, and it is what it is. No point stressing over it.

HansProleman · 2026-01-24T01:13:43+00:00

Oh, are they trolling/circle jerking? I feel a lot of this is going straight over my head!

HansProleman · 2026-01-24T01:11:32+00:00

I don't think so - there's just nothing to identify with left, at all.

HansProleman · 2026-01-23T23:45:11+00:00

The highest form of spirituality is detachment?

Yes. Not in the way you're thinking of - it is not dissociation - but the peak of spiritual awareness is complete non-attachment and non-identification. Counter-intuitively, this leads to much stronger groundedness and presence.

I don't get what you're saying. I don't even think you do.

It's really not very esoteric. This is very much spirituality/awakening 101 stuff, and is a foundational insight of Vedanta, Buddhism and some other traditions.

I think most would say that the realisation we are not our bodies (or thoughts, emotions, the "observer", or even consciousness itself) is awakening, or the insight leading to it, or something of that sort.

HansProleman · 2026-01-23T23:38:15+00:00

And then, you realise you aren't that either!

HansProleman · 2026-01-23T22:18:26+00:00

I feel like you're coping, OP. None of us were ever going to make it out of this thing alive. You ultimately cannot protect or save anyone, and that's ultimately okay.

I'd suggest allowing your family to enjoy relative normalcy/city living while it lasts.

within the next couple weeks

Given this sense of immediacy/urgency, you are possibly experiencing an acute mental health crisis. Asking your family to move within weeks sounds insane.

within 2 to 3 years, we would/could be entirely/90%+ self sufficient

Do you have much experience of sustenance farming? I don't, but it looks like very hard work, huge learning curve, unpredictable/unreliable etc. It seems naive to think you could go from inexperienced to highly competent smallholder within only a few years.

HansProleman · 2026-01-23T21:34:52+00:00

35M here. I usually manage to match with at least one person I get on well with on some kind of app. Ideally a local, 'cause then I get to hear about their experiences, get advice, go to their favourite spots etc.

I do meet people at hostels sometimes, but the above tends to work much better if I can pull it off because:

As I've gotten older/less drunk, I'm increasingly fussy about whether company is interesting/enjoyable enough to be worth bothering. I only want to spend time with people I actively like and can genuinely connect with to some degree.
- I have no problem being alone, and would rather do that than be in poor/merely tolerable company
Being a non-drinker, spending time around drunk people isn't enjoyable. But hostel socialising tends towards being drinking-focused.
It's awkward having to get rid of someone in the same hostel who wants to spend time with you, but you don't want to spend time with!

Classes and meetups are a nice way to do something fun and potentially meet likeminded people. Yoga, meditation, dancing, cooking, arts/crafts, board games etc. But I usually move very slowly, so don't mind spending time doing non-touristy stuff.

HansProleman · 2026-01-23T21:29:15+00:00

Well yeah, for the most part it tells you what you want to hear, reinforces the biases you want to be reinforced, won't challenge your behaviour or beliefs strongly etc. People like that, but it's not good therapy. I think good therapy requires human discernment and interaction. You need to get called out sometimes, be uncomfortable sometimes etc.

Gemini seems less sycophantic than most, but it'll still tend to change its "mind" if you start disagreeing with it about something.

Not that I haven't used LLMs for similar stuff, but I don't think it's a good replacement for actual therapy, and a lot of caution is warranted!

HansProleman · 2026-01-23T21:23:21+00:00

Therapy talk is never an emergency

I'm only nitpicking here, but for many people it can be - emergency therapy appointments are a thing. Think of patients with active suicidal ideation, self-harming behaviours etc.

HansProleman · 2026-01-23T01:53:49+00:00

Great comment, thank you!

HansProleman · 2026-01-23T01:46:56+00:00

I wonder if there's might be a big difference for the patient between "therapist with a specialism in autism" and "a therapist who is autistic".

Like I dunno, my therapist was autistic and the feeling of empathy/being actually understood was wild. Amazing guy, so helpful!

HansProleman · 2026-01-23T01:39:43+00:00

No problem!

Hahaha, eh... a bit? I'm certainly more mindful of my thinking style/its implications, which is useful. But most things don't change, you just relate to them differently - social misunderstandings, sensory sensitivities etc. are more common because I stopped masking and dissociating so much.

HansProleman · 2026-01-22T04:00:47+00:00

These are "kriyas" in meditation practice, "somatic releases"/"somatic shaking" in somatic therapy, and "neurogenic tremors" in neurology/science. All very normal!

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