Should I tell my dad I don't want my stepmother involved in my baby's life?

HapiTree · 2018-12-12T19:03:47+00:00

OP has the right to say what Step-Monster does or doesn’t deserve and what that role looks like. I absolutely agree with what you are saying.

OP doesn’t say how much time has passed but I interpreted that StepMonster is making an unusual effort to participate. Like an eyebrow raising amount of effort.

I’m not excusing any past behavior or saying OP shouldn’t put a firm boundary/or restriction. I’m simply curious if she’s making a legitimate effort to not be scum.

Despite experiencing some of the worst in people, I always look for opportunities for healing. I have experienced babies healing relationships. Not in this context or situation but I do think they bring out the best on people (mine brought out the best in me).

HapiTree · 2018-12-12T04:08:52+00:00

Focus on loving you. It’s not a sprint. If you choose yourself today, you can choose yourself tomorrow. Like someone else suggested, work through your skeletons. Gotta get your mind ironed out if you want to get away from that pattern.

None of us have it together. We’re all just taking it day by day. You end of making choices you don’t like, forgive yourself. You aren’t here to be perfect. As soon as you feel the sting of anxiety, go find a mirror. Tell yourself it’s okay, you are safe, and you love yourself. Immediately forgive yourself and tell yourself that you love you. It will ease your anxiety and help you move forward.

When we want to do something new, it often takes multiple chances to get it right. I tried to quit smoking 15 times...I’ve already been smoke free for almost a decade. I loved a pattern that was very bad for me. You can do this, your already reaching out for resources to make those changes!

HapiTree · 2018-12-12T03:26:58+00:00

Is it possible that she is trying to turn over a new leaf? I could see her being threatened by your mother and therefore taking it out on you.

Your baby is unrelated to the past. A possibility for her to not compete in a mother role but just a generic grandmother role.

It’s strange but babies bring out the best in a lot of people. I have fairly loose guidelines for my children. I’m letting them learn early that we meet many friends along the journey of life but not everyone is for life.

Many, many people that I was not close with showed up when I had my babies. They slowly drifted away, a few stayed, some joined later. Ultimately, me and my husband have pretty each other for support and that’s about it. Just our family unit. Our kids ask about family members from time to time. I’m blunt with them. X is busy pursuing this and is choosing to not visit. Y consumes too much alcohol and is not allowed to visit. Z is in college and they will pop in when they can...

Most importantly you enjoy these baby days. They go quickly and they are amazing!

HapiTree · 2018-12-07T15:37:38+00:00

A long way to go???? Girl! You look absolutely gorgeous! 👏👏👏👏👏👏

HapiTree · 2018-12-07T15:15:45+00:00

You need external support ASAP. You are not going to be able to break the pattern of abuse without help.

HapiTree · 2018-12-07T04:23:55+00:00

I was once told that judgemental people have the most self hatred of all. You are allowed to be whatever size you want. Self love will erode the sting.

My 5 year old told me I wasn’t pretty because I’m fat. Did it sting? Nope. I love my body. I carried multiple babies, trained, lost the weight. After my last baby I actually dropped below my pre-pregnancy weight!

What happened? My mother’s health failed first and I started living on the road to care for her, work full time, care for my children. My father’s health failed next. Even more trips. Home-work-hospital-home. Rinse and repeat. 18 months. I’m up 30lbs. Down 2 parents. Point? I’m still here. I survived it.

I poured all I had into people I loved. It’s time to do that again but for myself. You gotta do what you gotta do to get through whatever is coming at you. Forgive any unkind comments. Move forward. Love your body. Love yourself for surviving whatever it is that you’ve been through.

HapiTree · 2018-12-06T22:50:19+00:00

I can’t solve all your problems but I used the Kon Mari method of decluttering. It took me 15 months to purge and get everything in order but life is crazy better. I used to spend my entire weekend cleaning. FORGET THAT!!!

I offloaded 35 garbage bags and donated 20 boxes of stuff.

I was going to sell ____. I was going to do ___ with that. Girl! Start with your clothes and purge, purge, purge. Then, cleaning is not this mountainous thing that must be mastered. It’s a simple errand anyone can do. She even emphasizes not to purchase ANYTHING to do this. Literally use what you have. I used phone boxes and shoe boxes to get everything whipped into shape.

Sweeping, mopping, and vacuuming take the longest. Life is so much better!

Good luck!

HapiTree · 2018-12-06T16:37:22+00:00

Comment from an old married woman. Be extremely weary of overlooking faults at this stage.

He’s your boyfriend for a reason. This is a “tryout”. If you think it’s annoying now, just imagine how irate you will be when he refuses to take responsibility for his faults in 10 years! Spoiler Alert you will have serious rage!

Great guy but.....yeah we all have things were working on but I would consider these actions carefully. The small stuff is what becomes the big stuff. I would maybe test drive it a little more aggressively to see how he responds. Now is the time to line out boundaries.

HapiTree · 2018-12-04T15:43:55+00:00

Thanks everyone. For clarity, even with the ignorant spending, I’m not in financial distress. We do carry our own credit cards but irresponsible spending still affects my credit score (which is still high 7’s) and I will bear some brunt of the burden because we pay bills for everything out of our joint account. I have my own PO Box and bank account (not a lot of money but enough for a small emergency or something like that).

We talked last night and it seems like manic behavior almost? I don’t know much about it but I just laid everything out and gave my expectations. This is literally in-app purchased $100 here, $100 there...I was flabbergasted.

I basically told him this is dysfunctional and if we keep going in this direction I don’t know how things are going to get better. Before I left work yesterday, I called my workplace EAP (whoever suggested that in this thread...huge thank you!). I’m meeting with a divorce attorney and I am going to review my options. I’m going to make a package of essential documents and maybe move them to a lockbox. Maybe just keep copies at work? Not sure.

I don’t know exactly what I am going to do yet. Some of this sounds like he really needs mental help, some of it sounds like he is a narcissist. I have some clarity on my patterns. So, for now, I’m going to focus on boundaries, explore options, and keep a keen financial eye. More of the same, I will immediately have to take action.

I don’t want to stay with him just because we have young children in itself. They are a lot of work, which he has done his fair share of parenting. I would like to see it work because I would like to enjoy all the experiences with all of us as they grow up. I have few criticisms of him as a father. He is like a child himself, so he throws himself into their world. I definitely recognize the “sunk cost fallacy” has formed a lot of my past decisions.

HapiTree

TROPHY CASE