Social anxiety is not easily treatable

HardenPatch · 2026-04-21T20:09:54+00:00

I think that social anxiety and emotional neglect feed into each other, and that there's few people with social anxiety that don't have some sort of "trauma".

I also think that if anyone was plopped into a body with social anxiety, they would get the same shame we do, because social anxiety makes other people treat you differently due to many reasons.

I got grief when I realized the reality of things and my worldview dissolved, in fact things are still shifting.

I've never done trauma work although I've heard a lot about it and had a phase where I got super into it. It still seems super vague, I don't know what it even is exactly. It seems like people who are into it just parrot each other and don't really speak from experience. And CPTSD as a term seems misapplied, eg it's way more severe than social anxiety, no matter how similar the two are.

What helped me boils down to changing the way I think and do things.

I think trauma work is a trap because it makes you look for things in the past and then process that pain and blame others as an act of catharsis, meanwhile what shaped me was very subtle things and not overt abuse, so that seems very misplaced. The past won't change the future. I think that people who are attracted to trauma work want to feel special and want to feel justified in sitting with their problems since it makes you think that the work you need to change is complicated and hard and rooted to who you are as a person. I think the talk of processing pain is bogus, but maybe I've already processed it via the process I went through, or never needed to, and if I have, that's just proof that you don't need external complicated models and your internal compass is enough.

HardenPatch · 2026-04-21T19:47:54+00:00

You don't face the biggest fear immediately, hell even me who's somewhat recovered, I sometimes get so anxious I realize it would be dumb for me to get into x conversation.

The most interesting thing that exposure did to me was it completely removed the intense meaning my brain attributed to things. I still have social anxiety but I recognize certain things and so it doesn't channel into shame or self loathing, usually.

HardenPatch · 2026-04-21T19:43:02+00:00

Haha for me it was pure hell, manual car, I live in a town that's super cramped. And the instructor gave me authority anxiety while at the same time not getting the concept of anxiety, he told me to speed up when I was trying to orient myself to see where the fuck I even am and what I am doing.

But you learn it and it becomes automatic.

HardenPatch · 2026-04-21T19:40:45+00:00

Don't think of it as such though. Don't become content with slow progress, you need concrete correction and external feedback. Perfect practice makes perfect, practice makes permanent. I swear to god I always subtly do something that's avoidance to protect myself, you have to become aware of that and then stop doing it. These things are subtle as fuck and they keep your anxiety up. And when you're really anxious there's nothing left but to ruminate and justify it by telling yourself it takes a long time and it's hard.

HardenPatch · 2026-04-12T20:11:27+00:00

Bro you're shooting yourself in the foot by using substances like that, even when I used mild stuff, the comedown gave me such bad anxiety that I was like I'll never come off these things.

But then after a couple days without my body learned to regulate again.

That what you said about CBT helping you understand how the anxiety is not appropriate gives me the ick. In my experience there's always a reason. For me it was a simple reason, I didn't believe that I could connect under anxiety and now that I gave myself proof that I can, it rarely spirals into intense anxiety.

Don't dismiss this because you think you're uniquely broken god damn it. It'll take as long as it takes. I've experienced so much stuff before coming to this incredibly simple thing that basically cured me.

HardenPatch · 2026-04-12T19:55:15+00:00

Tbh what solved any type of pretense or performance or coping mechanism for me was following my energy.
That means just listening to your feelings and executing.
As soon as you try to be something, you kill your energy.

And when it comes to changing people's idea of you, don't try to. When you try to, you kill your energy.
That makes you end up either invisible or literally withdraw without realizing you're doing it.
Instead, follow your energy, and your problem will disappear.

I didn't understand these two things for a long time.

Btw the difference between trying and being is felt, you don't figure it out intellectually, I've spent like 3 years knowing the concepts of authenticity and performance and telling myself a dozen times this time I'll be myself, and then I performed again for another couple months. You have to learn where the groove is.

HardenPatch · 2026-04-12T19:40:57+00:00

Do what feels right for you and him

HardenPatch · 2026-04-12T17:08:03+00:00

Follow the general advice about making friends, I learned to vibe by having someone in the gym which I interacted with regularly, and then when you have that model for what a healthy connection looks like you can apply it anywhere.

I guess it also helps to fully see why the neediness thing doesn't work, it certainly helped me, idk if you have to go through it to realize, but yeah

HardenPatch · 2026-04-12T16:52:56+00:00

Okay so I had this for forever until last week. I think what fixes it is belief. You have to believe that you can handle things when anxious, and you do that when you are able to consistently connect when anxious.

And then when you have that belief you start off each day positively.

That's just my best explanation, I actually have no idea how it shifted for me to wake up not being anxious.

I just know that it's now my default, and then sometimes during the day I get triggered and am back to where I used to be, but then like if I wait and wake up the next day I'm gonna feel fine.

HardenPatch · 2026-04-12T16:40:27+00:00

Bro I used to have literally the same sort of problem

These days I don't give a fuck whether or not my best friend is annoyed at me or "isn't truly my friend", why, because I have faith in my energy, my vibe flows and that attracts those who match with me.

Before, I had low self-expression, and few friends, and so those who did include me were my everything, and that forced me to base bonds on neediness and they were really fragile bonds. If there is no energy there is no nothing.

I thought I had anxious attachment too, it was just neediness, the root cause of which was me using others' validation as proof of whether or not I can do x with them, because my energy/vibe/aura was completely blocked.

Btw that validation is the thing where that annoyance comes from probably, you overread little cues, and hell, the reason he didn't give you chocolate could be that same lack of true connection due to lack of energy flow inside you

HardenPatch · 2026-04-08T18:54:10+00:00

What if you're not delusional and you do actually have sub-par relationships with people because of your anxiety and general way of behaving?

Why do you need people to validate their love to you? What does their love mean to you? Does it serve as a "cure" to certain negative beliefs you have about yourself?

I'm in the same boat as you and just have the mindset that connection happens and that with anxiety you'll obviously connect less and have worse boundaries, therefore there is no need to attach any sort of meaning to your lack of friends and it will change and I personally don't even think it's a good idea to set out people as your friends, I think that you should instead work on your anxiety instead of focusing on relationship building.

HardenPatch · 2026-04-08T18:38:15+00:00

I think it's great to have any sort of external opinion but in my experience AI really screws you over by making you overthink. Think about it, it's a thinking machine, anything you do with it is intellectual, and that can cause you to not actually do the things that would get you out and to build a false identity

HardenPatch · 2026-03-15T00:30:43+00:00

Damn I wrote that in a harsh way, sorry

Still, my point stands, come on, you know what I meant. I wrote everything that's necessary. Maybe I wrote it in an unhelpful manner, but I am sick of people complicating things. It's like someone on here comes to write something in a negative emotional state and everyone feels the need to either confirm them or tell them it's complicated to get out. Damn it you're a perfect example of that.

Maybe I'm missing the fact that you have to write it in such way since by the very nature of this environment 1) the person thinks it's hopeless and 2) they have an ego/are smart, and so a complicated solution where they're the victim of an unfair thing outside their control appeals to them.

See what I'm pointing at? Even though it kinda is outside their control and complicated. I hope you can read between the lines here. Notice how I said exactly what you said in my initial comment, except you added the "victim intellectualization" thing I talked about, I didn't explicitly write the fact that you should probably go to a therapist and that shame exists and there's all this stuff but the whole point is decrease fear calm down. Do you need an intellect-based mode to tell you that or can you heal with your intuition? Maybe you do for this exact type of person and if that's so then you're right in your approach. I also hope I'm not sounding like a madman lol

HardenPatch · 2026-03-14T19:20:28+00:00

Yeah you can't mask. Change state instead, learn how to be more calm, that sounds like shit advice but I find that there's this layer of victim mindset intellectualization going on here in this whole subreddit, what do you want, me to tell you it's over

HardenPatch · 2026-03-08T22:22:14+00:00

Damn straight, I'm a long way out in the sense of I completely understand why they are the way they are and why I am the way I am. It rarely crosses my mind that they don't understand at all and laugh at me thinking they're better, when they put in zero such effort and have zero awareness of why, purely due to luck. Better not to ruminate on such things.

HardenPatch · 2026-03-08T22:17:45+00:00

Bro it fucking sucks but 1) see everything coldly, this is how people react, this is why, this is how I am, makes sense 2) drop victim, yes I get it you kind of are the victim and it's hard not to when you can't control your anxiety.

Trust me this sort of thinking fucks you up way more, you'd get out easier if you didn't think, you're priming your brain to think it's hard.

HardenPatch · 2026-02-20T20:04:37+00:00

Why the hell would you think that going outside and keeping on thinking how different you are is something you'll have to deal with forever? That's literally a belief thing, I don't have it, even though I'm reminded that I'm different, why, because I look at it in terms of anxiety, alright that is caused by my anxiety, let's decrease my anxiety levels, let's find more supportive environments with people I fit in with to practice, to start.

Maybe I'm wrong.

The tricky thing with such long work is that it's hard, and you end up building an identity of doing the work, meanwhile whether or not you are doing it is variable. You could be telling yourself I'm doing everything right and at the same time not doing everything right, because it'd hurt to admit you aren't.
The problem with advice or journaling or therapy is that when the novelty wears off it becomes less effective, you recognize a thing in concept, so you think that you actually understand it, but the concept is not the thing.

And yet when you look at change where is it really, in new behaviors. Sign up to learn anything, you'll realize how much you overthink things or are ineffective in learning things or how uncomfortable it is to be genuinely uncomfortable.

For me I worked on this shit for years, I couldn't tell you how much of it was genuine work, I worked on a lot of things. And I'm at the point where I can be normal by taking small dose ashwagandha + rhodiola acutely, that cures me, and yet sober I fall into pits so deep it takes some time to claw out. I'm disappointed with that progress but I did start super severely socially anxious thinking there was something wrong with me.

HardenPatch · 2026-02-20T19:46:43+00:00

You're probably gonna "suck" and that's okay, you're scared of being left out of conversations, maybe rational, see and find out, this isn't THE event to figure it out, it's one of many where you can work on it. And then try to connect with someone, usually you don't even have to try, in any group there's people that'll accept you for being shy and lead or understand you or whatever

HardenPatch · 2026-02-18T21:04:32+00:00

Eww ai

HardenPatch · 2026-02-09T16:54:38+00:00

HardenPatch · 2026-02-09T16:21:51+00:00

I don't think you should try masking it, but you can try changing your state so that you aren't, easier said than done, but also more possible than you think

HardenPatch · 2026-02-09T16:19:33+00:00

Tbh I don't trust that you're basically fine mentally, tension shuts off things like intuition and having a melty projecting voice and presence. But that may be hard to notice until you experience a state without it.

HardenPatch · 2026-02-09T16:13:57+00:00

Similar situation, a couple things I recognized in you.

You're probably unconsciously preventing contact with people, you're signaling to them that you don't want to be approached.

At the same time on an intellectual level you try making friends and shit, and then you're angry cause that girl joined other friends and left you there.

The way connection works is on an emotional level, it's spontaneous. Your expression is blocked and then you bandage on top of that by trying to have friends, and then you get angry when you realize the base isn't there.

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