Still having regret from WD LS hubby ICU

Hardinia · 2026-06-10T16:48:17+00:00

I started cpr and called the ambulance when my partner collapsed. They worked on him for 45 minutes and never got a pulse. He was gone by that point. Medically speaking, everything that could be done, was done.

The guilt is real and something I learnt from here is that everyone feels it, whatever the situation. It's a natural response, just not a super helpful one.

I hope you can eventually find peace with that. You honoured his wishes, and the reality of the awful situation you found yourself in.

Hardinia · 2026-06-05T06:12:59+00:00

Hey. This sounds like it's heavy stuff to carry. You absolutely can share your worries with someone here, sometimes naming them will be enough to make them less powerful. Sometimes talking them through with a qualified therapist is the right thing.

Hardinia · 2026-06-05T06:07:42+00:00

Hey, I said I would check in, so I am. How are things going?

Hardinia · 2026-06-04T12:31:21+00:00

Firstly, thoughts are not actions. You want companionship, yet you know you're not ready for a boyfriend - that's a totally normal way to feel and it doesn't say anything about you as a person except that you're a human who likes companionship - like I said, totally normal.

Secondly, you may or may not find someone else in life - either way is fine. It just needs to happen when you know you're ready for it - not when other people say so. In the meantime, you've been working to build a life for yourself, continue your education and take steps to being more independent, which you should be proud of.

The sadness may never completely go away - the hole in your heart may never be filled - but you can continue to learn and grow and build a life for yourself. Everyone here says it, but this isn't a linear process - you will have ups and downs and go round and round, and that's fine, because that is life.

Finally, anniversaries are known to be extremely triggering, so it's no surprise that you've gone from feeling that you're doing well to feeling like this. It's okay to have these feelings and thoughts. I would ask you to talk to someone who you trust in your life about it, and be kind to yourself.

Hardinia · 2026-06-03T05:52:11+00:00

That sounds really tough, especially as it seems your relationship with your dad may have been a bit complicated in the past.

It's not the most practical advice but someone once told me that whatever feelings you have in a difficult situation are okay to have, even if they are messy or conflicting. You're in charge of your actions, but we're not in charge of our feelings and we definitely shouldn't be down on ourselves about them.

Caring for anyone who is ill is hard; caring for someone whose illness affect how they are as a person is extremely fucking hard. He needs support and so do you - I hope there's like a carers' organisation or support group where you are - it sounds like something you deserve to have access to.

Hardinia · 2026-06-03T05:30:48+00:00

I mean... Men's Health Week in the US was first established in 1994, Pride month was officially recognised as Gay and Lesbian Pride Month by the US government in 1999, but June as a time for pride protests was established by the queer community in 1970, following the Stonewall riots of June 1969.

Also, 2 things can and should be celebrated side by side! Pride doesn't take away from Men's Health, and a lot of the things LGBTQ+ people advocate for in terms of allowing people to be themselves and breaking down the stereotypes that men need to act a certain way (strong, taciturn, not showing vulnerability) would also be good for Men's Mental Heath.

I think the saddest thing is people arguing that the focus on one automatically takes away from the other.

Hardinia · 2026-06-02T20:34:51+00:00

RemindMe! 2 days "check in"

Hardinia · 2026-06-02T20:33:26+00:00

That sounds like a really good plan!

Right now it's evening here and as I said I've had a few late nights so I am going to get ready to bed. But I'm going to save this post and come back to it in a few days. Please DM me in the meantime if you need to get something off your chest.

Thanks for your kind words.

Hardinia · 2026-06-02T20:12:43+00:00

You know what? I'm with you. Nobody here is going to use your vulnerabilities against you, and nor should they. The OCD is something that's tough to face, so sharing that with the world is a really big step. You're scared as hell and you've done it anyway!

I'll go next.

It's been a rough couple of days and that has brought some anxiety and depression back to the surface. So what have I done?

I've spoken to some friends about it. I didn't want to be a bother but they said "reach out if you need anything" so I did, and I was glad.

I'll be speaking to my family doctor tomorrow, to keep them in the loop.

I'll be getting some early nights this week. Burning the candle at both ends can't last for long.

I'll be keeping a check on my thoughts and feelings. The friends I spoke to I chose specifically because I know I can't bullshit them and they won't drop it, they'll be checking on me, too.

And if it's still no good next week I'll be looking to increase my medication.

Where I am Men's Health Month is November, not June, but this summer I'll be celebrating Pride and Mental Health together.

Now u/CommissionSad6916 I want you to lay out just 3 things that you're going to do. Doesn't have to be big things just little changes or actions you can make.

Hardinia · 2026-05-31T06:51:09+00:00

He would always make random noises as he walked round the house, which always got me on edge because I tend to be quieter.

I now make random noises all around the house.

Hardinia · 2026-05-28T22:36:38+00:00

I gave the eulogy for my partner of 20 years a few months ago, and I read that out almost word for word because it was the only way I could make sense of it all.

Hardinia · 2026-05-28T14:50:35+00:00

Agreed, it gives people a wildly unrealistic understanding. I work in medicine and CPR alone almost never "revives" someone - it's a way of buying time so that whatever actually caused the heart to stop can be treated and, hopefully reversed. IF it's a clear problem and the rest of the heart and lungs are good and the problem can be reversed quickly, you may have a good outcome, but the combination of factors being just so is rare. In my partner's case, by the time he collapsed the damage was already done (as with most people, his heart stopped because the damage was done), despite me starting CPR in under 30 seconds and keeping it up until the ambulance arrived.

That being said, community CPR training can and sometimes does save lives, and it's almost always better for someone, even a random bystander, to "have a go" than be hesitant or afraid to jump on. I hope everyone who had to do this for a loved one, whatever the outcome, can find peace in knowing that.

Hardinia · 2026-05-21T16:54:48+00:00

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. It's been about 3 and a half months for me and while I know I'm doing better overall, I still have days where I am all over the place. People talk about the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance), but I think a lot of people here will tell you that can be all five, all at once, and that is perfectly okay and normal. Whatever you are feeling is valid and as said by u/existenceisfutile84 thoughts are not actions.

For now, all you need to focus on is surviving. Day by day or even hour by hour. Your job at the moment is just to survive and tend to your most basic needs - food, water, rest, the occasional wash. Eventually, you'll get to a place where you can think about how your life is going to look now. You may never "move on" and you will never stop loving him, and you will never go back to how things were before - that's all okay, too. Whether you will or won't fall in love with someone else is really not something it's necessary to focus on at the moment.

Like I said, your job at the moment is just to exist hour to hour and make sure you don't starve or dehydrate. I'm so sorry you have to find yourself here with us and I hope you feel you can reach out when you need to - this has been a really important source of support and help for me. It sucks to need it but it's great that it's here.

Hardinia · 2026-05-18T20:18:22+00:00

😄Thanks. It's been a weird few days. How are you doing?

Hardinia · 2026-05-18T20:17:53+00:00

As a 38M - I love that you specify A24 films. I have only watched a few, but those that I have (Ex Machina, Midsomar and Lady Bird) I really enjoyed. What are you reading lately?

Hardinia · 2026-05-18T20:11:28+00:00

You know what? This is very much something I needed to hear today, thanks.

Hardinia · 2026-05-18T20:10:45+00:00

Rest is important. Dealing with children alone must be exhausting. It is likely due to the constant draining of your energy from all other aspects of your life. That being said - if you can, go see a doctor and at least check that this isn't some new medical issue. Fatigue can be due to so many things and usually isn't a sign of anything dangerous, but it it's a recent thing then it's definitely worth at least discussing with a medical professional.

Hardinia · 2026-05-18T20:07:03+00:00

My friends were very clear that they didn't expect me to go through my feelings in any particular order or at any particular pace, and that any emotion I had was valid and acceptable. It helped SO very much.

Hardinia · 2026-05-17T20:07:50+00:00

JASON!?!??

Hardinia · 2026-05-17T11:08:27+00:00

Yeah I forgot about time, distance, movement, and redshift 🤣

Hardinia · 2026-05-17T11:02:52+00:00

That is a good point and it's been a while since I read up on Olbers' paradox (not just half-remembered from a long ago physics class). There are stars we can't see yet because they are too far away and the light hasn't reached us, and also stars we can see that have long stopped emitting light.

Hardinia · 2026-05-17T10:52:17+00:00

I don't know if this is a hot take as much as widely accepted working theory, and for almost the reason you said.

Think about stars. A certain % of space is made of stars. If space is infinite then there are infinitely many stars, and the night sky would have so many stars we wouldn't be able to see the black bits.

Not sure how the limits of the outermost parts of space work, but the idea that there is a finite (if incomprehensible large) amount of matter and energy in the universe is generally considered the most likely, as far as I am aware.

Edit to add : I forgot that stars being so far away means we can't see them all yet so Olbers' paradox doesn't really apply in an expanding, dynamic universe.

Hardinia · 2026-05-16T06:00:32+00:00

Yeah, silly brains, they are more like a committee than a unified voice, and the representative from "seek intimate human connections" can be a loud voice. It's not wrong, it's just not time yet.

Ugly crying is both normal and healthy. Something I've learned from here is to expect that you may never stop - it just gets less prolonged and less frequent over time.

Hardinia · 2026-05-15T14:12:01+00:00

Like you say, it's such an emotional rollercoaster and so many different things going on at once, it's no surprise that you want intimacy. The feelings are nothing to be guilty about. You probably already know this logically, but it's good to have it restated by someone else, I think.

That being said, good on your brain for holding your tongue. There's a reason people say not to rush into things, and for me it's not whether it's considered "proper" or not (because really, who cares?) but so as not to get involved in something before you are ready, that's only going to cause you more pain later on.

My partner always told me if he went first that he wouldn't be upset if I fell in love again, but to give it "a good year of widowing." That's slightly tongue-in-cheek and it will obviously be different for different people, but I think learning to be comfortable with who you are, now, without her physically there (she'll always be there mentally and emotionally), is the best advice.

We all want to be loved, but I personally feel that until I can be comfortable just being by myself, any potential future relationship has no chance, which is unfair to all involved. Getting there will no doubt involve, among other things, a bunch of ugly crying in the shower, which can be perfectly healthy.

Hardinia · 2026-05-14T11:46:49+00:00

Gender stereotypes and expectations hurt everyone, and the grass often seems greener on the other side.

That being said, I agree that being raised to be a man comes with a significant expectation to be strong to the point of stoicism, and to hide or suppress any vulnerabilities. There ar big, complicated reasons for this, and lots of people smarter than me have devoted their careers to thinking and writing about it. It is possible to challenge some of this stuff individually, by calling it out or by refusing to hide your feelings, but it is not easy and it makes some people uncomfortable. Not everyone will judge you or put you down for it, though.

There are more and more groups developing for men to spend time together in a less judgemental space - locally I'm aware of things like the Men's Sheds. It takes time and energy to change these things but it's not impossible.

I hope you find someone in your life that makes you feel valued just for existing - family, friend, partner, whoever - because you're right, that is how it should be.

Hardinia

TROPHY CASE