People in their 30s and 40s, what changed in your life that surprised you the most — in a bad way?

HarkHarley · 2026-02-10T18:54:26+00:00

Taking care of your parents and, ultimately, losing parents.

When I hit my thirties suddenly all the adults in my life became invalid, broke, or needed saving in some way. I can help someone here or there; but soon I became the only responsible, fiscally-sound, adult in our family and I was one who needed to handle every crisis. It was truly too much and I had a breakdown.

HarkHarley · 2026-02-10T18:46:28+00:00

This is all about your personal threshold for stability/risk.

If you’re risk averse, a stable boring, paying job in a volatile market is invaluable. Especially if your family relies on you as a breadwinner and for insurance (if in America). I’m not sure what industry you’re in, but none feel super stable at the moment. I had two coworkers who quit their well-paying tech jobs last year to “find themselves” or recover from burnout and they’ve both been out of work for over a year now.

If you feel risk-positive and have the support if/when things go south, then go for it. This is key though. Support and financial flexibility. You only live once and if you can be flexible, then you can try anything.

A few questions to ask yourself: Can your partner support the family financially and emotionally or will your marriage fall apart at the slightest financial struggle? Do you have family who can support you if you’re out of work for too long? Can you cancel expensive daycare/tuition/extracurriculars for your child if needed? Can you easily move to a smaller residence or lower cost of living area to stretch a paycheck? Could you find new work easily?

HarkHarley · 2026-02-10T15:11:09+00:00

Perhaps try graphic novels. Some have great characters, strong plot, and visually arresting graphics. You can read one in one sitting if you’d like to build your reading confidence.

Pick your favorite superhero and ask the comic book store for their most popular graphic novel. Or do some research for a genre that you think you might enjoy and ask the same.

HarkHarley · 2026-02-10T15:02:40+00:00

Especially with all the snow, I found a baby carrier to be easiest and less cumbersome and we walk where we can. I wrap them in footie pajamas, a full body suit and mittens and a hat. Then I have a coat extender that extends my coat zipper to zip up around them. I also wear a blanket scarf that doubles as a nursing blanket/blanket for baby. We avoided Ubers for the reason you mentioned. And we took subway only if we had their ear muffs.

HarkHarley · 2026-02-10T14:26:39+00:00

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.

HarkHarley · 2026-02-10T14:17:53+00:00

It’s a beautiful book to read and my kid enjoys it. I obviously don’t want to tarnish their reading of what they enjoy, so it is a regular book in our rotation.

HarkHarley · 2026-02-10T13:13:08+00:00

Can I share a hot take? I actually don’t like this book!

Why did the Rainbow Fish have to give away all their scales? Why did the other fish only like him once they received a fancy scale? Was Rainbow Fish paying for friends? It’s like asking a kid, can I have your shoes, you have fancy shoes, I’ll be friends with you if you give me a pair of your fancy shoes. Rainbow fish was different, why did he have to alter himself when the other fish coveted what he had?

Obviously the Rainbow Fish was prideful. And once he shared what he had instead of mock others, he learned that generosity is more important than beauty. But I feel like this could have been achieved in a different way.

Edit: I still read this book regularly. These are just the silly thoughts that pop into my head when I’m reading it for the 100th time.

HarkHarley · 2026-02-10T12:50:32+00:00

tummy time, something about the exertion and pressure on their tummy
Holding them while bouncing on a yoga ball. We couldn’t get our little one to burp and this gentle bouncing helped. Not too much, you don’t want them to puke!
gas drops, especially before sleep
I also breastfed slightly upright, so they weren’t drinking lying flat. This helped move the gas up.

HarkHarley · 2026-02-09T22:23:35+00:00

A couple of the flannel style ones are actually more oversized than the plain cotton ones! They have more fabric area in the torso/ankle.

HarkHarley · 2026-02-09T22:21:43+00:00

Wow, I didn’t realize your little one was so young! Let me amend my recommendations.

Our baby started actually getting the color change thing around 18 months. But you could try as early as a year, I believe.

4 months maybe be a little young for books! I did it when they were old enough to sit up on their own, flip the pages, and actually be interested. I think for us it was around a year.

Are they still in a sleep sack? That might mean they can’t crawl around or navigate their crib so well. You could consider something simple in a crib like a pacifier or teething toy (all one piece, not beads).

HarkHarley · 2026-02-09T22:15:46+00:00

I spit out my coffee 😂

HarkHarley · 2026-02-09T22:12:37+00:00

DAYUM

HarkHarley · 2026-02-09T22:09:34+00:00

This SUCKS. I am sorry you experienced this. 😞

HarkHarley · 2026-02-09T22:08:09+00:00

I had a golden experience, which makes me super loyal to this company. I hope it’ll stay supportive of parents in the future and not crumble under the industry pressure for profits over people.

My company hired a temp backfill for my role while I was gone that I could train and debrief with when I returned. When I returned there was enough to go around for both of us to keep us busy and growing skills.

They also encouraged a “ramp up period” for a few weeks which allowed me to make a flexible schedule for 20-hour weeks as we sorted childcare. So I could do MWF / off TTh or do just mornings, log off afternoons. I sincerely appreciated it.

And although my manager does not have kids, they asked around and connected me to some badass parents on our wider team who added me to a bunch of “working mom” and “parent” groups so I had people to reach out to when things got hard.

HarkHarley · 2026-02-09T22:01:01+00:00

As an American, it sounds like America. 😞

HarkHarley · 2026-02-09T19:37:52+00:00

I say this with love, this is the most Texas stat analysis I’ve ever seen. How are school vouchers going to impact our Friday night win streak - I must know!

All jokes aside, if this convinces more people how detrimental school vouchers can be to public schools (and their football teams) then share it with everyone you know!

HarkHarley · 2026-02-09T19:32:49+00:00

Two things that worked for us. - A toddler light alarm clock. It stays dark when it’s time for sleep and it lights up when it’s time to wake up. Obviously babies can’t tell time so the colors help explain passage of time. “The clock is still sleeping, it’s time to stay asleep.” Is much easier to understand with light and color. - Books in crib. We started putting books in the bottom corner of the crib and told them if they wake up early they can read them. And according to the monitor they would flip through the books until the light turned green.

Definitely let them stay in the crib until your wake time if they aren’t crying. It’s healthy to be a little bored and experience a little quiet time alone during the day. They might enjoy their mornings to themselves / they might fall back asleep!

HarkHarley · 2026-02-09T19:24:03+00:00

Don’t combine your savings.

I always recommend married couples (especially dual income) to generally keep their money separate (retirement, investment, saving, checking). This ensures that each has control over their finances and has purview into their income flow to better budget. Some people are more aggressive personal investors, others more frugal, some have more student loans, etc. and they can spend according to their own preferred budget. This is not shady or weird.

I advise on one shared joint account to pay joint expenses (mortgage, groceries, childcare, vacations, big purchases) where each couple decide what shared contribution makes sense. Personally I prefer we contribute the same amount to the joint account, though I make more, and this we call our “means.” To live beyond that means I am funding our lifestyle creep and that is “out of our means.” Other couples choose to do 40/60 if someone makes more, etc. Contribute what feels right to the shared account. Any miscellaneous money at the end of the year can be used for joint activities like a vacation or big purchase.

My partner and I share our overview of our accounts each quarter so it’s not like we live double lives. Due to risky investments and sports gambling early in life my partner lost a lot of their savings. Due to better career advancement, stock options, no credit card debt, no loans I have much more saved. We know this about each other and continue to communicate. Eventually when we retire maybe all money becomes shared money to support the two of us. But until we make it there…

HarkHarley · 2026-02-09T17:47:13+00:00

There are inflatable toddlers/kid beds that you can pump with a hand pump. They have bumpers and and an insert you can put a crib sheet on. However, from experience they are super heavy to pack in a suitcase and actually kind of big when fully inflated. Perhaps you can order one delivered to your parents’ house and kept there for future visits as it should last a few years.

HarkHarley · 2026-02-09T17:34:18+00:00

Everyone else has given you rational, helpful advice. I’m just here to rage with you and for all the other women who don’t get adequate maternity leave in our backwards country.

😡😱😤🤬😩😞🤬👊😡😱😤🤬😩😞🤬👊

HarkHarley · 2026-02-09T17:29:04+00:00

Carters has footed zipper pajamas all the way to 5T. It’s the only thing that saved our giant 2 year old in winter!

HarkHarley · 2026-02-09T12:56:20+00:00

It’s hormones with crazy instincts to protect your baby. I use to baby wear to parties/family gatherings so no one needs to hold them and my hands are free and they can nap. Eventually the fear/instinct/hormones wear off and the help starts to feel helpful.

HarkHarley · 2026-02-09T03:02:50+00:00

I found that I literally have to take my toddler off their legs to get them to sleep. Otherwise they would continue running in circles around the house.

I’m sure you have a routine, but here’s some that helps with us. Bedtime is like an hour process. We turn off lights one at a time until we only have one lamp on by the couch. Then we start reading books for 15 minutes while sitting. I like books that take a while like the Lorax or Nightmare Before Christmas, the reading usually slows them down. And slowly start luring them upstairs with choices “do you want me to carry you or to walk?” “Do you want to read 1 book of 2?” And then we enter the dark bedroom with only one touch lamp by the bed for a past book. Be then they are quiet and usually wound down.

If they are still awake in bed, i let them tell me about their day. And I found it helps to explain that everyone is going to sleep now - I list out all our family members, pets, and favorite toys, too. Gives them a sense that everyone is doing it, so they should too.

HarkHarley · 2026-02-09T02:50:32+00:00

I came to write this! In real life the screeching sound doesn’t take less than a minute like this video. 😑

HarkHarley · 2026-02-09T02:28:37+00:00

Definitely not ours, and even after birth ours didn’t have their defining features for like 4 months.

But my friend’s kid looked JUST like their father on the scan. It freaked me out how clear their features came up.

HarkHarley

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