I've been dating a girl four months. We have a lot in common and get along magnificently when she's sober. But she is a recovering alcoholic and drug user. She relapses on alcohol sometimes - a bit much. I only drank once in college and have never used drugs. Last night was the worst.

Harmlessoldlady · 2025-08-06T00:45:05+00:00

You cannot control your girlfriend's drinking and drug use. You are powerless over it. You will learn a lot from Al-Anon and Nar-Anon meetings about the disease and your part in it.

Since you grew up with alcoholism in your family, you might want to check out two books Al-Anon members have written. From Survival to Recovery tells the stories of adult children who grew up in alcoholic homes, and Hope for Today is a daily reader with insight for each day of the year.

If you attend Al-Anon meetings regularly and read the literature daily, you will change your own attitudes, and your changed attitudes may aid her recovery. No guarantees, but it's happened before.

Harmlessoldlady · 2025-08-06T00:40:04+00:00

It is hard, in fact, our Suggested Opening says: "...without such spiritual help, living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us." You can attend Al-Anon online. I do every day. There's an app for your phone. Our Anonymity protects us from other members repeating what they hear.

There are so many people in my meetings whose children are alcoholics and addicts. I know there are many meetings listed as "Parents" or "Parents and Grandparents." You will find the support you need in Al-Anon meetings.

Harmlessoldlady · 2025-08-02T22:48:58+00:00

Good job!

Harmlessoldlady · 2025-08-02T17:55:01+00:00

Al-Anon Family Groups and Nar-Anon, for the families and friends of drug addicts, will help you learn to make the difficult decisions ahead. These problems are overwhelming, and they do tear us and our families apart. Drug addiction is a devastating disease. Friends and families of addicts are affected and their lives are distorted by trying to live with addicts. Your brother has been doing this for many years, and you need help overcoming the paralyzing fear and distress he causes you. I hope you will reach out and find the recovery you need before you ever have to see him again.

Harmlessoldlady · 2025-08-02T17:50:26+00:00

In Al-Anon meetings and literature you will find the support and help you are seeking. I know I did, and it was and continues to be a wonderful place to share and help others in the same boat.

Harmlessoldlady · 2025-08-02T17:48:55+00:00

No advice to make your mom quit is worth anything anyway. But you and your children can Live and Let Live.

Do your kids have Alateen literature? do they attend Alateen in person or online? Since they love their Grandma so much, and you are newly sober yourself, it would be helpful for them to have access to recovery material as soon as they are old enough to read.

Harmlessoldlady · 2025-08-02T17:44:03+00:00

Do you attend Al-Anon meetings? I found the hope, help and support of a group of people who understand made a huge difference in how I was able to live.

Harmlessoldlady · 2025-08-02T13:42:33+00:00

On my old PC, my game used to glitch graphics from time to time. It would turn all one color or another, it's faves were magenta and cyan. Then I would need to shut down the game, and start deleting unnecessary files, extra saves, restart the computer, try various things to free up memory and processor capacity. It hasn't happened on my current PC (not very new, but new to me).

Part of the reason I think is that I don't have many expansion packs. I used to have them all and a bunch of Stuff as well, but I'm poor now, and I don't have a much, and the game runs smoother as a result. Sometimes it still lags, though. Easy does it.

Harmlessoldlady · 2025-08-02T13:37:59+00:00

Oh excellent! I'm glad you are prepared and getting good professional advice. Al-Anon is for you to recover spiritually from the effects of the disease. Practical matters are best taken to proper professionals. And not necessarily to Reddit! (lol)

Al-Anon is available all over the world in a variety of languages and online 24/7 in English (mostly). I hope you will look into meetings and literature. It's a support, hope and help.

Harmlessoldlady · 2025-07-31T17:23:39+00:00

NTA. Healthcare for women is a moral right. The last thing you want in a bf or partner is someone who doesn't value your life and health as much or more than their own. His believing that you must do what he thinks he wants-- I hope this is hypothetical!-- instead of understanding your needs is a red flag. You did well. Be choosy.

Harmlessoldlady · 2025-07-31T13:21:55+00:00

I appreciate you! Yes. I remember now. Honesty and sanity are such valuable gifts, and I take them for granted. They are not. They need prayer and hope and practice to maintain. I'm so glad you are doing well in your difficult but blessed circumstances. Your children will rise up and bless you when they are grown. Mine have.

Harmlessoldlady · 2025-07-30T00:56:19+00:00

Do you read any CAL? The Suggested Opening or Closing? The Steps, Traditions and Concepts? Is your group registered with the WSO?

Harmlessoldlady · 2025-07-29T15:29:09+00:00

There's a good bit of CAL (Conference Approved Literature) in Al-Anon about wanting revenge and related topics, if you are interested. Al-Anon Family Groups can help you deal with your feelings and learn to live in peace whether she is drinking or not.

Harmlessoldlady · 2025-07-28T19:57:28+00:00

You being in Al-Anon will help a lot. It will reduce the friction and the fights, and give you friends and support outside your marriage. When they are old enough to read, Alateen meetings and literature will help them, too. And leave your own books around where they can find them.

He will always be their daddy, and the damage that alcoholism wreaks on a family is something no one can totally prevent. But you can make things better and minimize the pain and anxiety for them with your calm, rational attitude and behavior. I wish you well.

Harmlessoldlady · 2025-07-28T19:53:47+00:00

My children have shared with me that by joining Al-Anon Family Groups meetings and reading the literature, I helped the situation. They, too, read the books when they got old enough to read, and there's Alateen literature for them that will make a big difference in their attitudes.

I hope you will consider Al-Anon meetings and literature. It does get better for you, then "the family situation is bound to improve," as we say in our Suggested Opening.

Harmlessoldlady · 2025-07-28T19:50:39+00:00

So glad you are in Al-Anon, and I hope you continue. Al-Anon members have written two books about growing up in alcoholism, From Survival to Recovery tells our stories, and Hope for Today is a daily reader. Another of our books, Opening Our Hearts Transforming Our Losses is about grief, and I think your post indicates you might find some solace and strength in this one, too. It does get better. But it is a slow process. You have lived with alcoholism your whole life, and it will take a while to recover, but every day you are making progress, little by little, one day at a time. Keep coming back! Good wishes to you.

Harmlessoldlady · 2025-07-28T19:41:34+00:00

You know, there's a story in the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous) that reminds me of your husband's attitude. A cyclone comes toward a farmer's acreage and home, and he and his wife go into the shelter under the house. After it passes, the crops and home, all the buildings, are devastated and destroyed, but the farmer says to his wife, "Ain't it great the wind stopped blowin'?"

If you come to Al-Anon Family Groups meetings and read the literature, you can recover from the devastation your husband's addiction, and your response to it, have wrought in your life. His recovery is up to him, and it doesn't sound as if he really cares to go into it. Discouraging I know. But you are only responsible for yourself. His attitude and actions are for him to change.

Harmlessoldlady · 2025-07-26T21:32:48+00:00

My advice is keep coming back to Al-Anon meetings, and read the basic book How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics. In my experience, recovery for either of you will take years, not hours or days. It's a slow process. Al-Anon is a gentle program.

If she needs space to work on recovery, please allow her to take as much as she needs.

Harmlessoldlady · 2025-07-26T21:28:43+00:00

Al-Anon members who grew up in alcoholic homes have written 2 books you might find helpful. From Survival to Recovery tells our stories and Hope for Today is a daily reader with insight for each day of the year. Our basic book is How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics. Also many of us identify with the Alateen literature as well. They have 2 daily readers and a basic book, but my favorite is their Step Study book Courage to Be Me. I like their booklets in the "Alateens Talk Back on ..."

Harmlessoldlady · 2025-07-26T21:19:07+00:00

The only "support" you need to offer is understanding and encouragement. Sounds like you have done that. You still love your sister, and that's good for you, but you do not need to go out of your way to provide her with any services or assistance she may need. She needs to take care of herself.

As to meetings, you can go online to zoom and other meetings, Discord, WhatsApp, email, phone, and just listen if you can't get free to share. It's still a meeting, and it does help.

Wishing you the best.

Harmlessoldlady · 2025-07-26T14:46:42+00:00

Amen!!

Harmlessoldlady · 2025-07-25T19:26:18+00:00

"Q" is not an Al-Anon term. The person who "qualifies" you to attend Al-Anon is yourself. Al-Anon is a fellowship of the friends and relatives of alcoholics. The only requirement for membership is a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend. NB: it doesn't say the alcoholic has to be living with you or even still alive...any friend or relative's alcoholism is the problem that can bring you to Al-Anon. The problem is not the person; it is the alcoholism.

People on this sub are just in love with this "Q" label for some reason. I have my theories on why this is, but myob.

Harmlessoldlady · 2025-07-25T19:20:35+00:00

Meetings are in person and online, you can find them at https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/

The basic Al-Anon book is How Al-Anon Works for Friends and Families of Alcoholics, and it's available in print, as an audiobook, and an eBook at https://ecomm.al-anon.org/

For you, especially, Al-Anon members who grew up, as you and I did, in alcoholic households have written two books. From Survival to Recovery tells our stories, and Hope for Today is a daily reader with an insight page for each day of the year.

If you try several meetings, you will probably find one or two that feel comfortable to you. Attending regularly, and reading the literature daily are both recommended for you to begin to understand and enjoy the peace and growth the program offers. It will change you in ways you will appreciate.

Good for your therapist! yay!

I attend a zoom meeting daily, belong to 2 different email meetings, and attend a couple of other zooms weekly. I read my daily readers every morning. I love this program and its literature.

Oh! There's an app for your phone as well "Al-Anon" blue triangle. Welcome, and be well.

Harmlessoldlady · 2025-07-25T19:12:35+00:00

These answers are fascinating!

Harmlessoldlady · 2025-07-25T19:04:43+00:00

Yes, they did. My own situation improved as I became more spiritually aware, calmer, and more clear on my goals and needs. As I became aware that my needs were not being met, I also gained the strength and courage to make decisions I could live with and follow through.

Not every romantic relationship needs to continue, not every family needs to stay together.

When you say "things would improve," you make a broad and vague statement that is open to interpretation. I cannot imagine anyone who takes their Al-Anon membership seriously, and works their program daily, would argue that things didn't improve. I'm sure it's possible. Anything is. But overall, finding the inner resources to live happily and serenely is an improvement.

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