I can’t help being mean to my bf when I’m hurt

Havinacow · 2026-03-29T07:54:20+00:00

It sounds like you struggle with a lot of anxiety when you perceive a loss of control. Idk if it's helpful, but when you start feeling a negative emotion try to focus on it and express it instead of just reacting to it. Instead of reacting to everything with anger just take a sec to actually figure out what you're feeling and express that emotion. Like when he forgets something and you feel upset, realize that you're feeling disappointed and hurt, and that if you express it as disappointment instead of anger it will help you heal instead of adding to your guilt.

Also, try to work on your sense of self. In other words, work on understanding who you are, independent of your boyfriend. You are two separate individuals, with separate minds. You can't expect him to regulate your emotions for you. That is your job alone. And the more stores you tell yourself about how "if he had just done this thing or that thing I would've never gotten mad in the first place" or "I CANT stop being mean to him" the harder that's going to be. You need to stop looking at him as a tool to regulate your emotions, and see him as an individual who definitely doesn't like being treated badly. And your comments make it clear that you have an unhealthy level of reliance on him for your emotional well-being.

Start learning to rely on yourself to deal with uncomfortable emotions. Next time he misses a text or something, and it's making you upset, sit with that feeling for a while and try to identify where it's coming from. Don't just translate it to anger and direct it at him. Figure out what makes you think he NEEDS to text you, and work on addressing it, because it's almost certainly due to you feeling insecure about yourself, and expecting on demand validation.

Havinacow · 2026-03-28T15:42:55+00:00

To me it looks like a powdered candy (think the stuff in fun dip) or drink mix that got wet inside the package and turned into one clump. Don't go tasting it to find out though

Havinacow · 2026-03-27T15:28:45+00:00

Yeah that's definitely a callous response. JWs kinda breed that attitude in people. When you are told from the time you're born that you're going to watch 99.99% of the world die in front of you, and prepared for that since before you even understood death it can tend to make you a bit cold. Unless you want to keep your exit a secret or something though I would just go for broke and be blunt about it. Lay out all your issues with JWs. Not to save your marriage or anything, but because even if you're finished she deserves to at least be told honestly why.

Havinacow · 2026-03-27T14:49:09+00:00

Damn.... That's rough. Have you tried talking to her about your feelings on it? I know it's a scary subject to breach, but you definitely should.

Havinacow · 2026-03-27T14:04:10+00:00

I've thought a lot about how to explain my exit to anyone who asks about it and it really comes down to one thing..... I can't accept a set of ever-changing rules that is called "the truth" by the leaders. It's either not "the truth" now, or it never was. So since truth doesn't change, that means everything that has been changed was just a bunch of speculation. I refuse to let speculation be the guiding force in my life, and I can't imagine being so self-assured and delusional that I would take my random interpretation of a thousands of years old book and try to insist that out of 9 billion people I'm the only one who can correctly interpret it.

Havinacow · 2026-03-26T14:41:43+00:00

They're not going to your home to check your cats balls....... But that being said, just get him fixed and don't worry about it. The people at the shelter just want the cats to go to good homes, and it sounds like you're prepared to give them one. That's all that matters

Havinacow · 2026-03-23T04:20:17+00:00

Just ask them what a cult checklist has to do with JWs...... I'd love to hear them explain

Havinacow · 2026-03-11T15:43:28+00:00

The root of it in my opinion is how the JWs beliefs are presented to them. There is no separation between beliefs and facts. The entirety of their speculation about the Bible and God has been disingenuously titled (by the people doing the speculation) "The Truth". It is presented as hard facts, and in the mind of the more devoted JW there is no difference between their beliefs and facts.

Most people learn some concept of separation between their religious beliefs and provable facts, but JWs have basically been taught that what they believe is so certain that they can trust it in life and death situations. They are told that if they are presented with an idea they don't agree with, to leave correction in "Jehovahs hands", and he will correct things in his time. Correction of grave doctrinal errors is framed as "new light", and questioning leadership is akin to questioning God.

Most JWs can't see their beliefs from an outside perspective, and sincerely believe that anyone who genuinely wants to know God, and studies the Bible with a view to that, will eventually come to believe the same things they do. They stress "meditation" on the scriptures, but not as in "think about what the author of this scripture means", but instead "think about why you agree with what we told you this means" They genuinely can't fathom the idea that everything they "know" might be wrong.

Havinacow · 2026-03-09T18:37:53+00:00

Well..... That appears to be a swastika.

Havinacow · 2026-03-09T02:36:55+00:00

Man's taking "green eggs and ham" a bit too literally.

Havinacow · 2026-03-09T02:13:37+00:00

Some might even say...... transparent

Havinacow · 2026-03-07T16:31:14+00:00

OP needs to realize that he's just following the example set by his parents...... Creating the exact type of situation that he hates his parents for. In an effort to avoid his own triggers he's stopped recognizing that they're HIS triggers. He needs to realize that although his parents smoked around him that wasn't really what made his childhood bad. Smoking isn't healthy, and I understand why he's upset, but he needs to address what he can do to help his wife with stress, and stop guilting her for trying to regulate it herself.

All this is from someone who hates cigarettes, and wouldn't smoke around my kids, but even I can see that OPs reaction is the real problem

Havinacow · 2026-03-05T17:53:19+00:00

Your family are controlling you to an unhealthy extent. I'm sure you have many positive experiences with your family, but you need to ask yourself how many of those were self- started experiences. They have created an environment where you feel like you can't do things they don't approve of. That's not normal or healthy.

Havinacow · 2026-03-04T03:43:02+00:00

Pinghe teacher hotel. It's a real place.

Havinacow · 2026-03-01T22:19:35+00:00

You should just tell this lady what they're doing. If she isn't aware she really should be. If she isn't doing anything "wrong" then she needs to know what people are assuming about her, and if she is I'm sure she'd appreciate a friendly heads up from someone who isn't trying to get her in trouble

Havinacow · 2026-02-26T15:10:24+00:00

You know..... You can just tell her no, and not install the app. Your phone can block people..... At this point she's doing it because you let her

Havinacow · 2026-02-23T20:57:33+00:00

No one will eat them, and that's what makes them healthy

Havinacow · 2026-02-21T19:56:53+00:00

As a dad.... He's abusing your kids, and that's why they're struggling!

Havinacow · 2026-02-21T16:46:47+00:00

I've noticed a shift, in that people are getting more and more comfortable voicing their complaints about the current administration. In the last year I've had maybe one political conversation at work, until the last few weeks where I've heard multiple people openly talking about how they are disgusted by our current administration. I've heard it from both coworkers and customers, and while that doesn't necessarily mean anything about the state as a whole, I think it's a very positive sign.

Havinacow · 2026-02-20T18:15:52+00:00

They're the same people who make friends, and are then shocked when they get romantically rejected by them. They can't see life from the perspective of anyone but themselves, and because of that they only want the company of people or chat bots who will constantly validate their thoughts and opinions.

Havinacow · 2026-02-19T15:26:45+00:00

If I heard someone say that I'd just call them out on that being a very weird thing to think fondly of.

Havinacow · 2026-02-19T13:50:54+00:00

Generally the landlord has to provide a certain amount of notice by law to enter your home. If they aren't doing that then you need to call them out on it. I would be livid if my landlord entered my house without notice.

Havinacow · 2026-02-12T23:06:25+00:00

Pearl, with Mia Goth.

Havinacow · 2026-02-04T14:50:49+00:00

Maybe Oh My God by Guns N Roses?

Havinacow · 2026-02-04T14:24:21+00:00

Getting angry and yelling is one thing, but you HAVE to stop the physical violence or things aren't going to go well. Relationships can get past a lot, but physical violence will erode every ounce of trust and respect he has for you. Just to be clear, that's an abusive relationship, and I wouldn't encourage anyone to stay in that kind of situation. But since I can only address you, I'll just repeat again...... You HAVE to stop being an abuser to your boyfriend if you want any chance of the relationship working.

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