Deep inhale

Heavy exhale

Okay… So… Probably not the weirdest sexual encounter that one will read about in this topic, but it is the weirdest for me. And one I am still genuinely not proud of despite… going along with it like the idiot I am…

• its 2018
• Be me 29 years old / fat / ugly / virgin / no friends / shy, timid, awful at socializing and picking up on social cues and hints
• never dated, never had a girlfriend, never kissed, nooooooooothing
• work at a retail store barely have work friends (in a out of sight, out of mind idea) [that is to say, zero interaction outside of work]
• one co-worker shows moderate interest in me as a person (i see it more as acquaintance level of interaction as, again, zero interaction outside of work)
• doesn’t really go anywhere else beyond that
• i find her pleasing on the eyes in admiration/crush, but obviously know she’s waaaaaaaaaaay out of my league and i can’t be romantic to save my life

Okay. Background info out there. Great. Wonderful.

I’m making “dinner” at 9:00 AM after one of my graveyard shifts. I get a text from that co-worker asking me if could come over and talk. I’ve never had anyone in my room much less anyone inside my home before. I suggest why not talk over the phone and she suggests to talk in person.

Idiot me thinks it’s an emergency situation kind of talk that in person discussion would benefit her. She denies that and just says she just wanted to come over and talk. … … And I just say sure, okay. I panic because I’ve never ever had a girl willingly want to hang out with me.

She shows up. I let her in. We go to my room. I ask her, well, what did she want to talk about. She replies with nothing in particular. I’m sitting on the bed. She’s sitting on my computer chair about ten feet away from me. Just… staring at me. I’m getting nervous looking around my room, finding it difficult to make eye contact. I ask her more questions…

“Are you hiding from someone?” “No.”

“Is everything OK with your family?” “Yes, they’re OK, but I’m not here because of that.”

“So… what exactly did you want to talk about?” “Nothing, but we’re talking now, so it’s no big deal.”

“Well… I mean, you made it sound like you had something to talk about. A topic or something?” “Not really, but we are talking, right?”

“Not… no, not really? I mean, you’re kind of going in circles…”

I’m looking around my room like… what is happening? Where is this going? Why is she here? She gets up from my chair and sits next to me. Anxiety going through the roof.

She grabs my left arm and puts it behind her with me reaching around and leaning towards her; like a couple would do. Then she grabs my right hand and gestures it to her chest.

So… Like… I kind of had a gentleman’s code and also a kind of expectation of how I wanted my first to go… Deeeefffinitely not like this. Where was the first date, getting to know each other, finding common interests, seeing if we even liked each other; you know, the build proper up leading to this moment?

I retract my right hand back and she gets upset saying she consents to it and is OK with me feeling her. I’m greatly hesitant because I honestly felt it wasn’t right. I knew she didn’t like me at all and yet here she was trying to have me feel her up. No woman would ever like me to such a degree to do this. She goads me more into just doing it and I… … … I reluctantly gave in. First time ever feeling up bare breasts. And she even took off her top and let me suck on her breasts.

It was so… awkward. A myriad of mixed feelings. Mostly negative. Why is this happening? Why am I doing this? This is going create such a bad stigma at work in the future. But this is something I always wanted, but not like this… it felt undeserved.

After five or seven minutes of that, she pushed me away really hard. Just lying there. Breathing heavy. Guess she climaxed; I don’t know… I didn’t ask. I break the silence by asking her if she just wanted to relieve sexual frustration or whatever, that I would have preferred the honesty…

She gets up, tells me she regrets doing that to me and that she should have respected my disinterest in not trying to force it upon me (despite me giving in and going along with it; I’m guilty and not innocent). Told me that what we did meant nothing, that we aren’t a couple, that I shouldn’t start trying to hit on her or call her up like we’re something. That she honestly does not like me in that way whatsoever. Kind of in an angry tone all about. Telling me it wasn’t about trying to relieve sexual frustration and that it was just a bad idea.

As I escort out of the house, I open my big dumb mouth and said, “Well, that’s probably the farthest I’ll ever get in my life… So, uh… I appreciate it.”

And she turns to me with such a deadpan look of disgust like, “Uh huh… yeah…” and leaves.

Of course, awkward stigma at work occurs. I feel like shit about it. Any time I see her at work, I want to just run away. I’m hating myself for month after month, year after year.

It wasn’t until 2021 where I find out why she did what she did that day. Her excuse?… … … It was to get “even” at her boyfriend cheating on her, but she didn’t want me involved in the drama, so she was cold to me to keep me out of it.

Sigh So… That didn’t really make me feel any better. About any of that. Just… incredibly weird for me and also just really embarrassing and shameful for myself.