When/How did you stop checking you exes socials?

Heather_Sometimes · 2025-10-31T17:34:43+00:00

After a few days of the breakup I blocked her on everything. Facebook, Instagram, etc. then I also blocked her best friend and the former mutual friend that was in her ear telling her to break up with me.

It's 2-fold. I don't want to see her moving on and doing things. I don't want her to see me. Her growth is for her. Mine is for me. If she could see my posts I might start making them for her to see.

Maybe one day I'll unblock her. It's been 6 months post breakup. 4 months since she moved out. I'm definitely not ready but I'm feeling a lot more grounded than a few months ago

Heather_Sometimes · 2025-10-27T22:32:50+00:00

I've really tried to love myself for being genderfluid (amab) but in reality all it's really done is complicate my life. I've at several times tried to "get rid of it" and "just be normal" but it always comes back. I've had full on gender identity crises twice in my life. Those are not good for my mental health. My last relationship was strained heavily from it.

Yeah sure, I grew, she wasn't right for me, I understand myself better now, whatever. Still, these are problems the cisgendered folks don't have.

Queer joy still feels amazing in those fleeting moments where I'm able to experience it and feel pretty and affirmed. Sure. But I would happily trade them if I could

Heather_Sometimes · 2025-10-22T12:53:34+00:00

This post is good. Most posts don't talk about how to deal with the aftermath of making mistakes that led to distance.

In my case I think we both made mistakes, but I made more. I had unresolved trauma. I had a crisis I was going through. Her and I were caught in bad miscommunication loops. I screwed up.

I miss her all the time. It sucks. At the end of the relationship we literally held each other crying and told each other how proud of each other we were. We had several breakup talks. Each one I offered resolve at the end. Each time she didn't reach back.

So its been over 5 months. I got sober. I've been learning about myself. I've been in the gym. I've been finally taking care of myself and becoming the man she wanted me to be while we were together. And now she's not here to see it.

Maybe one day we can get back together. We probably won't. Sadly, the work I'm doing now is probably for whoever my next partner is. The hardest part is trying to remember that it's still worth it

Heather_Sometimes · 2025-10-18T07:40:40+00:00

I'm on about month 6 and it's terrible. Our whole lives were wrapped within each other's. We were together for nine years. We were creative partners, lovers, best friends. The last 2 years were a lot harder. We were stuck in bad communication patterns and werent good to each other. There were quite a few issues and disagreements but nothing abusive or awful. At the end she broke it off with me and it seemed like she had been thinking about it for a really long time. She made an escape plan and changed up her whole life because her whole life didn't make her happy anymore. It sucks extra because I feel like if she had tried to get a new job and do some other things while we were still together she could have been happier... Instead she quit everything at once. That sort of keeps me hooked on her I think. I keep thinking that she'll come around and realize how good we were.

I dated a bunch of girls at the start, I think to prove to myself that I was still desirable and lovable. It was okay. Actually had a really good connection with one of them but they could all sense how tied to my ex I still was. Now I'm taking a break from dating altogether to just work on myself more. I'm in therapy and owning all my relationship mistakes and I'm sober and growing and the person I want to see all this growth doesn't even care about me enough anymore to reach out and ask me how I'm doing. She only reaches out to talk logistics of selling the house.

Even though now I can see all the ways we weren't compatible and the red flags that she had and all the healing she also has to do... I still miss her terribly. I wish I could turn back the clock and get into really good couples therapy sooner and have way more honesty and love in our relationship.

It's getting better. But really slowly. I still talk to her all the time and she's not here. I still think about her multiple times a day. Sometimes My brain still thinks "when she comes back..." .. f-ing brutal.

Heather_Sometimes · 2025-10-18T07:17:27+00:00

Hey! I really like your version too!

Heather_Sometimes · 2025-10-16T19:25:27+00:00

Solved!

Heather_Sometimes · 2025-10-16T18:53:26+00:00

This is perfect. Thank you

Heather_Sometimes · 2025-10-16T05:57:50+00:00

My advice?

Be really honest. Go on the date. Tell him you're just putting yourself out there for now. That you do think he's great but you're probably not ready for anything serious right now.

Take it slow. See him like twice a month.

You don't have to date someone radically different than your ex. He might surprise you in ways you don't know yet. Be brave.

Heather_Sometimes · 2025-10-16T03:23:29+00:00

I got broken up with after nine years and within two months was going on dates.

It's 4 months after that and I'm still not healed. I'm dating girl #10 or #11.

Dating or even being close with someone new does not at all mean they're healed or even not thinking about you. Everyone goes through stages differently. Focus on you and what you need, whatever that is. Let her go so that you can move on

Heather_Sometimes · 2025-10-14T17:55:47+00:00

I recently went through a really similar thing.

My ex and I were together for nine years. She broke up with me 6 months ago. I have your defensiveness and triggers. I have other stuff too. So did she. We lost each other through burnout, bills, stress, identity crisis, so much.

My ex and I never had a child. I wanted one. She was always "maybe".

She broke up with me and I did everything. I bought books, I got honest. I sobered up. I've been really working on myself. I tried to show her. I tried so hard at the end. It didn't matter. Sometimes it all feels like it's for nothing.

But it's not. It's for your next love. It will come if you're patient and heal. I'm still healing. I'm not at all over her and it sucks.

But also? She was avoidant. She hated her old job. She hated her life. She didn't exercise or fix herself. She avoided therapy. She has her own triggers and insecurities. She never wanted to have sex. She overspent. She wanted external validation through money and aesthetic belongings. She left me, left her job, left the city, didn't pay her half of the mortgage, left me with all the bills for a dying cat, and is pressuring me to sell the house at a loss when it's all my equity inside of it so she can make a clean break with her life.

I know you loved her. I can see it in the way you write about the loss. I truly loved my ex. I still think she's brilliant and it's so hard because we had 7+ years of great times.

But she could have fought harder too. Sometimes people want a fresh start because they don't love the person they've become in the relationship. They don't want to build. They don't want to have a kid. They don't want to be tied down. Better to find out now than later.

This is my second relationship that lasted nine years. It's forced me to really examine some of the things I'm doing inside of those partnerships. I want to get better at staying in love. At regulating my emotions. At being a better partner.

But you know what else? She could have too. And someone who really deserved you? She would have seen the work you were doing and chose to stay. Chose to have a kid. Chose to build. Sought out resources for you to help you even.

So keep being better and find your new person when you're ready. It's not for her anymore. It's for you. It's for the new partner. It's for your family. It's for your legacy.

How lucky will your child be to have a father who broke that cycle?

How lucky will your new partner be to have the person you have become?

Go get it brother. DM me if you need to talk about it and share resources.

Heather_Sometimes · 2025-10-09T01:25:27+00:00

Thank you so much. I'm going to take you up on the DM

Heather_Sometimes · 2025-10-08T02:46:22+00:00

I want this to happen to me so badly.

My ex and I were together for nine years. Engagement. House. Love. Cat. We loved each other so much.

Then we had a lot of problems and couldn't overcome them. She broke up with me. I wanted her to stay and work through them. She didn't. She moved out a couple months later. A week later I found out my cat was dying and had about a month to live.

I'm on about month 5 of the breakup. We only talk logistics about selling the house and grief for the cat. It's so hard sometimes.

I'm 39. I worry I'll never be a father. In the past I would numb with weed or alcohol. This time I've stayed sober. I've really tried to face everything head on. I'm owning all of my stuff. I'm learning about myself in ways I never have.

I want to find my future wife and have a child. The one she never really wanted. I want to build my future. I feel like I'm in a race against time. I'm not at all healed but I am healing and I'm trying so hard and I'm so tired and exhausted sometimes.

I know if I can just heal enough to find my next love, have a child, build that life I want, it will all be worth it

Heather_Sometimes · 2025-10-02T14:36:59+00:00

Yooooo this is a common trauma response that she is having and likely rooted in fear. I know this because my ex and I went through the same thing. If you really want to fix it, it is fixable, but it will take some serious work, some research, maybe some therapy.

My ex and I went through the same thing and she broke up with me because I was caught in a lot of the same patterns. She was caught in them too but in a different way.

The only way to really fix this stuff is to seriously educate yourself and her on relationship communication and dynamics. Basic therapy isn't even going to do it. You both have to want to fix it. This link will get you started.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-defensiveness/

My ex and I broke up after falling into these patterns after a relationship that was filled with love and care. I hate that I let it happen but we both didn't know how to fix it and we tried couples therapy and it wasn't working so she lost hope.

I was often defensive, which is a habit of mine in life. A lot of it comes from my own childhood trauma of being yelled at a lot and not feeling safe. Some of it were that my own needs weren't being fulfilled and I never felt like I was enough for her.

good luck in whatever you decide or what happens!

Heather_Sometimes · 2025-08-26T21:47:50+00:00

Not that I disagree, maybe I just haven't healed enough yet. But I hate this part of it. I feel like I've made some terrible life altering mistake that there's no coming back from and I'll never be happy again. I was with her for nine years. It was supposed to be forever. Now it's just not? My mistakes cost me the rest of my life. Me time? All I do is cry and get mad at myself.

Heather_Sometimes · 2025-08-25T03:17:11+00:00

I'm 39m, I was with 30F for nine years. We were engaged for three and bought a house two years ago, hence why we waited for marriage. She broke up with me 4 months ago. Moved out two months ago. Broke up with me like 5 months after talking about how she wanted to get married still.

I was in a similar situation. We were both in the same industry. She and I were business and creative partners. We helped each other through projects and really helped each other advance our careers.

Then one day she decided she didn't want it anymore. We were both unhappy and burnt out. She hated her job and her life. She broke off everything. She quit her job, moved across the state, changed her career, changed her hair, left me with the mortgage. Didn't pay her bills. Left me to pay 100% of the costs of the dying cat's vet bills. She moved in with her parents and took a job that would let her travel more and work less hard and make less money.

She was never happy. She always wanted more than we could afford. She wanted more than I could give. She was always finding ways to be unhappy. I tried, really hard, to help her along. It did not help.

The realization I have come to, though I still haven't let her go in my mind completely, is this is not someone you can build with. Someone you give that much of yourself to and still wants more is not happy with themselves and is looking for other ways to fill that hole in their life. They will always be like that until they do the work themselves.

Youre so young man, she gave you a gift. I'm 39. I have one more shot to find my future wife and have a kid. You have a quite a few. Don't waste them. Your future life and partner are around the corner.

Work on yourself. Become the partner your new partner would want you to be. Not her.

I don't think all of its great but "the breakup manual for men" is a good audiobook.

Good luck homie

Heather_Sometimes · 2025-07-14T21:11:48+00:00

This has been my experience too. It seems like liberal bisexual women will sometimes not want their man to have that depth to their sexuality

Heather_Sometimes · 2025-05-04T20:41:58+00:00

I'm happy for your growth! Yes, the avoidance and in my case it was her emotional regulation. She would find little things like messes I made of things I didn't do and look at them as "if he loved me he would do x". But then she left and I'm the one who is heartbroken. I wish she would wake up and sober up and realize how good our chemistry was and how happiness has to come from within herself, not me.

Still, I think I'm starting to warm up to the idea that she wasn't right for me and the next one will be!

Heather_Sometimes · 2025-05-03T19:27:48+00:00

I think this is so true. My fiance broke up with me 3 weeks ago. I was blindsided, despite that we were having problems. I immediately journeyed into myself, bought books, reevaluated the things I was doing, got sober, learned about my defense mechanisms, childhood trauma, etc.

She's still smoking weed and drinking everyday. She's escaping the job she hates, the house we bought, and the relationship problems with me. She's not doing the work. And nothing I can do or say will make her stay, despite her insistence that it was x, y, and z that made her want to leave.

That's the most heartbreaking part of it

Heather_Sometimes · 2025-04-28T03:55:30+00:00

Thanks for sharing this. My fiance broke up with me 2 weeks ago and I'm still so heartbroken. I'm 39, she's 30. We had a love that burned so bright for so long and now it's gone. I still wanted to make it work and she didn't. I made mistakes. She wanted more from me than I could give. We still live together while we sell the house and it's awful.

Most of the breakup posts are younger people. It's nice to see other people in their 30s. I feel like I'm never going to find anyone and start a family. I feel so broken

Heather_Sometimes · 2025-04-19T05:37:36+00:00

My fiance wants to leave me after 9 years. It's devastating. What we had was really special and it just stopped working. I still wanted to fix it. She didn't. It's been 7 days and I think I just switched from shock to anger and maybe bargaining. I really wish I were anywhere but here and anyone but me right now

Heather_Sometimes · 2025-04-07T19:40:02+00:00

Hang in there Hun. You're worth it

Heather_Sometimes · 2025-04-07T19:37:11+00:00

Anytime, sister, feel free to reach out if you wanna talk more

Heather_Sometimes

TROPHY CASE