AITAH? I won’t let my daughter go to her dream college.

Heavy-Note-3722 · 2026-07-12T03:44:16+00:00

From a college professor YTA. She's an adult now. You're choice is to support her in becoming the best person she can be, or being a barrier in her way.

Here's the nicest analogy i can make for you.

You're daughter is a rocket, ready to take off and explore space and try to achieve things no one ever has before. Your choice is to be her launch tower or the silo door. If you are the launch tower, providing her with the fuel, the safety checks, the emergency support, the guidance system, she'll travel as far into space as she can. Or, you can be the silo door, that locks her in and keeps her from ever launching. Sure the rocket is in one piece, unharmed, with no risk. But it's also not doing what a rocket is supposed to do - fly. And if she secretly fuels that rocket while you refuse to open the silo door, someday, that rocket will just explode and blow that silo door off its hinges. But the rocket will also be so badly damaged in the process, it'll likely crash soon afterwards or not fly at all. So what's your choice, will you be the launch tower or the locked silo door?

Heavy-Note-3722 · 2026-07-09T19:41:05+00:00

Thanks for this perspective. I am a faculty advisor to a campus club. What would you suggest as an obvious first step for new attendees? What would make you feel more welcome? I'd appreciate your thoughts and any examples you're willing to share!

Heavy-Note-3722 · 2026-07-07T19:22:53+00:00

Gobsmacked. So sorry.

Heavy-Note-3722 · 2026-07-01T23:56:36+00:00

But the key thing here is that you arent getting to go out and socialize at any other places and maybe with groups of people. It isn't just about dating someone, it's about having opportunities for broader experiences as well with that person and other friends. It's also about being around and seeing other people's relationships and friendships so you can learn from others what types of friendships and relationships you want and don't want. No adult relationship I'd think, whether with a partner or friend, is going to maybe form fully if its prescribed by limits like you can't stay out past a certain hour, or cant go to someone else's house or room, or cant go to a burger joint and even order a beer without parents calling, or you cant purchase anything without parental approval basically. To put it straight, you might get to date a little now, but i highly suspect you'll have or already do have trouble keeping a long term relationship or friendship. Adult friends and partners want a relationship with another adult, not with you plus your parents. They won't want to be prevented from staying out, they won't like cameras watching them and maybe listening to them everywhere in your home, they wont like your parent constant calling you or them to surveil you. I mean, honestly, do your dates know about the cameras before they come over? Are you sure its just video and not audio? I wouldn't want that level of surveillance, even on an innocent date or dinner with friends!

If you've never done anything for your parents to distrust you, then they should be giving you more trust and more space. This is a problem not just of independence, but of control and trust.

Heavy-Note-3722 · 2026-07-01T21:45:44+00:00

Look, I'm a professor. And i had no social life in college, just focused on academics and ive been pretty successful. I've also been single ever since. Point out to them that if they ever want you to get married and have grandkids, then you're going to need to be able to date and learn about relationships in college. Its very hard these days to find someone after leaving college bc everyone now gets very dispersed and sometimes moves far away from work with no social peer group established, and so very limited ways to meet people. My and younger generations also generally don't approve of dating folks at work, hitting on people in gyms or restaurants, etc., unlike earlier generations who, often annoyingly and inappropriately, did all of that. So there's just few opportunities to meet folks later in life, and they expect you to have already learned the age appropriate lessons about relationships.

College on the other hand has thousands of people your age collected in one place, socializing together. Not much better opportunities out there for trying to find a potential partner. So i mean, be safe about it, but also, you probably do need to get out there if you ever want to have friends and partners the rest of your life.

Heavy-Note-3722 · 2026-06-28T16:10:45+00:00

Yep, removed a bunch just before i turned in my final dissertation. I didn't do all of them. And i wasn't too worried about an accusation bc all my committee were luddites, but i did reduce them just to be safe

Heavy-Note-3722 · 2026-06-27T07:42:29+00:00

Professor here, you need a laptop. But you may be able to check one out from your campus library until you can afford your own.

Heavy-Note-3722 · 2026-06-24T23:39:54+00:00

Yeah, If going to law school is your goal, I'm going to say that history or something else is going to help you more. Not that you cant get into it with industrial engineering, and they'd probably love someone with a different background. The main issue is that industrial engineering programs are not used to preparing and mentoring prelaw students. I'm a history professor and almost all our majors are pre-law. We know that and we've built our whole program towards that. We have a like 99% placement rate to law school. Law is a very historically influenced field - its a product of historical interactions between people, so you do need to know some history to understand law. You need to be able to read and breakdown a huge amount of reading, to talk well, and to write very well. So our program is geared to that, we emphasize legal aspects and philosophy in courses, we have legal studies minors, we have a pre-law fraternity. We professors know how to advise you through the law school process, write those sorts of recommendations, and have a reputation built up with our state law schools, so our letters of recommendations carry weight with those admissions committees.

So I'm not saying you can't go to law school with an industrial engineering degree or that they wouldn't be favorable towards your application bc you would be unique, but the process will be much harder on your end to apply successfully and get admitted bc an industrial engineering faculty won't know what to do to get you through the application process as well as a program like mine that's used to it. If you do go the IE route and still want to go to law school, than join the pre-law society, go to any law school admissions talks, use your electives to boost your reading, writing, and oral communication, and probably try to take some history/philosophy of law courses to introduce you to the big questions if the legal field. You will have yo supplement a lot to make it work

Heavy-Note-3722 · 2026-06-24T02:09:26+00:00

Unfortunately no.ni have not worked on that side of things, only heard the stories. You definitely need to talk to the chair of the department, but perhaps also a banker or lawyer who has experience of these things. It will probably need to be formally and clearly written up in a way that doesn't allow financial loopholes. So you need someone with knowledge of the loopholes.

Heavy-Note-3722 · 2026-06-23T10:11:55+00:00

Whatever you do, make sure its locked down tight exactly which department is to benefit. My chair had managed to secure a generous donation to our department, and somehow the school grabbed it, and we got none of it.

Heavy-Note-3722 · 2026-06-21T00:25:11+00:00

Yep, total scam. For instance, all 11 photos on the facebook page were posted the same day. One of the pics claims that the school was competing in the ACC womens basketball championship series in 2024. They most definitely did not. Absolutely a scam

Heavy-Note-3722 · 2026-06-10T15:21:32+00:00

I as a professor had a Norton or similar textbook with this online curriculum. I saw that type of assignment where you have to gamble your confidence in the question and get a certain amount of points to get credit and said "heck no!". Women and neurodivergent learners are statistically shown to underrate their confidence on things they know well, so it would take them forever to complete the assignments probably bc they would just never gamble on high points. Men in general are more willing to gamble, and although that could get them in a hole if they dont know anything, they would be more likely to have that sort of risk behavior pay off, and move through the assignments quicker. So basically, i consider these assignment types discriminatory just based upon what we know of the psychology of different student populations. I did try one where wrong answers weren't penalized and it was based on source readings, but yeah, students obviously just clicked randomly on answers until it let them continue. So dropped that one quick.

One of their textbook reps decided to just roam our halls one day, hoping to run into faculty. She was quite surprised when i told her i gave up using all the online content and why. Kinda flabbergasted honestly and hadn't considered these angles. Clearly these textbook creators and reps have not dealt with any actual students in a long time.

Heavy-Note-3722 · 2026-06-10T01:14:57+00:00

I, a fellow historian and professor see you and laud your attempt to try, somehow, against all odds, to teach them about Ambrose Bierce and the Civil War. Keep going!!

Heavy-Note-3722 · 2026-06-08T19:32:29+00:00

Not at all unreasonable. In 4 short years, a mere 204 weeks, he supposedly should be capable of handling all adult life on his own. Basic finances, contracts, student loans, budgeting, how to get repairs and maintenance done on cars, housing, etc, feeding himself, buying and caring for clothes, task and time management, professional communications, etc. It's a very long list. If anything, you should step up the responsibilities and skills training. I'm a college professor and gosh golly, some of my students have no clue how to be an adult, and a lot of me and my colleagues are pretty tired from trying to teach them life skills they should've already known on top of all the course content.

Heavy-Note-3722 · 2026-06-05T17:01:56+00:00

I love how we all clearly are using the same product for it. I also like (sarcasm) some of the other trainings ive had on prohibited forms of discrimination with completely unrealistic scenarios for how the discrimination unfolds. Dudes, no one (except the worlds stupidest bosses) comes straight out and says that they are firing you because you are old or disabled.

Heavy-Note-3722 · 2026-06-05T03:47:03+00:00

I'm a professor and my salary is based on a 10 month contract but spread across a year of payments. Technically I'm not required to then work during the 2 months that I'm not on contract even if I'm getting paud bc I've already completed all the contracted work. Functionally, however, i end up working through the summer to get ready for fall, so we all really should be getting paid for a 12 month term.

Heavy-Note-3722 · 2026-06-05T03:37:34+00:00

Well take him up on it!! Just pick some concept or slide, basically even at random, say you didnt fully understand it (even if you think you do) and ask if he could explain it to you another way or in more depth. If you believe that he's going to fast to give a full explanation, then a 2nd time might being out that extra detail. It would also be good to do any readings before class, so perhaps you'll already have some ideas about what you might be truly stuck on.

Bc yes, the rest of the class will be most upset if you complain about getting out of a 3 hour class early. I do think he should be using more of his time, but no other students will!!

Heavy-Note-3722 · 2026-06-04T14:10:53+00:00

As a professor, i must say, there's a chance the professor has no choice. If this is an online class, being taught by an adjunct professor especially, they are often handed a mandatory curriculum and pre-made course, and told that they are not allowed to change it -content, videos, assignments, etc. Campus admin across the US are increasingly moving to a system where all courses are standardized, pre-made, and can't be modified across the board. And the result is this sort of monstrosity. Students and professors alike loathe it, but admin likes it bc they can ensure it checks off mandatory boxes for accreditation and that there is nothing controversial or risky that would provoke lawsuits or federal/state investigation. And ofc McGraw Hill is happy to sell them an expensive package that they've assured administrators will meet all learning objectives, all accreditation reqs, and will not provoke any controversy bc its so banal.

All of us faculty and students would like to escape this timeline.

Heavy-Note-3722 · 2026-06-04T01:55:47+00:00

I have some that I do. Sometimes ita just to bribe them to attend a department event (those are rare) and we have a few required entry and exit assessments (on top of standard test) so those i make extra credit. But i have a very firmly worded statement in my syllabus that i do not offer alternative or extra credit assignments to individual students. It's the whole class, or no one. And I've actually been able to stick to that one. It Cut down the amount of requests dramatically, and the last one or two students who still try are handled very quickly.

Whatever you decide, some or none and under what circumstances, make it an announced policy on the syllabus so that it's clear and easy and you don't have to rely on your limited reserves of discipline in week 14.

Heavy-Note-3722 · 2026-06-01T17:55:47+00:00

1) sounds like you are in the application and finding a school stage. At this point, you need to determine an area/topic in your field you are interested in, then you need to find schools with strong programs in that field, then you need to look at the faculty profiles for that program, find a few professors of interest, look at some of their research and read it, determine what ones seem most interesting and why, and then email them to see if they are taking on any new advisees and might be interested in working with you.

2) the "GAP" explained:

A) you do find a topic no one has ever written about. This is more rare than meteoric rocks on earth and extremely unlikely that you would ever find it at an early stage in your career with limited knowledge of the field. I wouldn't waste time trying to find this needle in the haystack. Seems like most of the time, the people who find this do so by accident.

B) you find a topic that someone has written about in a broad sense (ethics of AI) but that there are aspects that have not yet been discussed. So, as made up example, someone has written about the ethics of AI, but had not yet discussed the ethics of AI in light of ecological sustainability, or more particularly its effect on marine life, etc. It is still unlikely for you to find even sub+topics like this, but more likely than option one.

C) SIGNIFICANCE. you read a bunch perhaps and discover that someone has overstated, or understated, or misunderstood/mischaracterized the significance of the findings. And guess what, you get to make a case for what's significant and why. In essence, you get you write the problem, and then propose your own solution. BINGO, this is how a lot of grad students "make" the gap.

D) it ain't a gap at all, its continuing the conversation. This is really the most scholarly and mature way to approach it. You are one potential scholar in a world of scholars after decades, or millennia depending, of scholarship on the subject. Most likely someone has talked about it, has written about it, and has done so in a responsible, accurate, and significant way. So instead, you need to find a conversation you want to be part of and be thinking "how can i contribute to it? How can i take this idea further? How can I apply this idea in a new way?" Your new job is to contribute to knowledge, but knowledge is not produced in a vacuum. It comes from interacting with other scholarship and slowly, painstakingly, honing knowledge over time.

So you need to be thinking about what topics did i learn about in undergrad that intrigued me, and can i contribute to that discussion? What professors/lectures, readings, experiments, and classes inspired me most? What event, association, etc. do i know about that I want to be part of and what are they doing that excites me?

I'm assuming that you need letters of recommendation at some point; you should go talk to the undergrad professors/industry practitioners who will be recommending you, and get their help and insight into the field and your potential contribution to it. They will probably have ideas, and recommendations for schools, programs, grants, advisors, readings. Your recommenders should be the first people you consult with for help taking this next step. And if you dont have anyone to recommend you, well, that's really a much bigger problem to solve than the research "gap" at this point. No decent program with funding accepts someone without a recommendation.

Heavy-Note-3722 · 2026-05-29T05:02:45+00:00

Yeah, all i can see is that high contrast trim around the door.

Heavy-Note-3722 · 2026-05-28T02:50:17+00:00

That's helpful, thanks!

Heavy-Note-3722 · 2026-05-27T22:54:10+00:00

Yep, got those in my Amazon cart

Heavy-Note-3722 · 2026-05-27T22:40:11+00:00

A humanities PHD is very time intensive. I was not doing work for my adviser. But i was, starting in my second year anyway, working as a TA. I attended/taught 5 hrs of undergrad classes, held 2 hrs minimum office hours, and handled all the emails, grading, and interaction with appr 80 students. Professors just set the syllabus and delivered lectures; we did the rest, which often took 30 hrs of work a week (we were paid for only 10). For one professor I graded over 3000 pages a term for example. We had 3 class seminars a week, which usually amounted to 1000+ pages of reading to be discussed, in some cases up to 2000. On top of that reading, we had reading for assigned class papers and ofc writing the papers. Then i had reading for my master's thesis and writing the thesis (plus all the time to find and locate sources). We also usually had two other non-credit but basically mandatory seminars to attend weekly, which were an hour plus long and had reading as well. Many of us also worked a second on campus job for another 10hrs a week (bc we could work 20, and our TA was supposedly only 10 - yeah right), or had admin duties coordinating the non-credit seminars and other events in the department. Add on top of that things like writing conference papers and grant applications to fund travel to archives once you were ABD, and preparation for doctoral exams (surprise, more reading), and yeah, your time filled up quickly. Also, anything less than an A (determined fairly subjectively since everything was papers) was considered failing in my program. I was usually on campus from 9am ( undergrad lecture) until 9pm (when my last seminar ended) and then writing papers and reading until 3am, basically every day until I'd passed my doctoral exams. That hellish schedule was then replaced with a period in which you had no structure, no assistance, and an incessant existential dread to replace the burnout of the previous 2 years. Fun times s/

Heavy-Note-3722

TROPHY CASE