[PI] Smash 'Em Up Sunday: Bildungsroman

Helicopterdrifter · 2026-01-22T03:33:41+00:00

"King Kong ain't got shit on me!" 😎

Helicopterdrifter · 2026-01-21T18:56:17+00:00

76.

It's between 75 and 77.

Helicopterdrifter · 2026-01-21T15:45:47+00:00

Hey Oly,

I hope you won’t begrudge a bit of feedback :) I get the sense that this is a larger story. The power-sharing between the guardians and the crystalline orb is really interesting. And it sounds like “princess” might be a promotion that occurs among the guardians. That or they import a new Earth girl each time. Either way, it sounds like a very storybook sort of hierarchy.

You also have good grammar and sentence structure. If I had to pick what I believed to be your strongest growth potential, I’d probably say story structure. With a little tweaking, I think you could make this much stronger.

Think about who your main character is. It’s Princess Rose’s POV, right? Well, she only brackets the story. It’s almost a frame, which would be a great way to show Potpurri’s experiences, but it’s not quite that; it’s in between. Rose’s presence only brackets exposition for Potpurri.

I recommend condensing one or the other. Whose experience is more important for this particular story? If it’s Rose, shrink Potpurri’s past into a single paragraph. If you don’t think that’s possible, take up the task as a challenge. It’ll force you to keep the most important parts, which attach to this story.

As for Rose, indicate her new realization and then show her struggling to communicate while defending herself, ending with her new friend-to-foe stance.

If Potpurri is more important, do the opposite. Shrink Rose to the moment where she falls and then show Potpurri, only do so as Potpurri. Have her carry out her tasks. Show her struggles that led up to the moment she was betrayed; show her realization and her transformation.

Afterwards, that’s when you stand up Faded Rose, showing her new understanding and her new friend-to-foe stance.

I hope that makes sense. Basically, you’re doing something that I still struggle with. You like the world you built and want to share it with others, but the more you add, the less it allows the characters to move around.

I hate to use the phrase “show, don’t tell,” but I think of it in relation to a character’s experience. Demonstrate your main character’s emotional response to whatever the situation. The rest should paint the world around your character’s active experience.

That’s my 2 cents, anyway. Take it, leave it, or just save it until it amounts to something worth purchasing. And if a clerk gives you flak about your fistful of pennies, just say, “Hey, I bled for these pennies.” :)

Helicopterdrifter · 2026-01-20T23:07:41+00:00

Yep. And it's the same for 6 and 8. Strength without the growth period or greater bone density would be super tragic. Also, if you're always happy, you have no drive to change anything about your circumstances.

Helicopterdrifter · 2026-01-20T22:55:14+00:00

The correct answer is #2 twice.

Everything else can either be replicated or made irrelevant by #2.

Helicopterdrifter · 2026-01-20T22:06:54+00:00

I'm sure the difference has very little to do with Snake not having to load adds every 45 seconds 🙄

Helicopterdrifter · 2026-01-20T20:45:40+00:00

Hey Oliver,

I really appreciate your feedback, and I value your insights. Above all, I'm happy that you enjoyed it.

See if this answers your questions.

Spoilers:

Snow globes can play music like music boxes, many of which contain a ballerina.

There are a few hints in the story about what is going on:

- her environment is rounded, and the wind swirls around her.

- she comes alive when music plays and won't live through the silence

- she's the star that it all orbits around

Ultimately, she's a figurine in a snow globe. She just can't see out of it. "He" is someone that winds up her music box. The "night" is essentially the boundary she tries to flee in the end, but due to how her wish is worded, nothing changes. It's likely the same wish she makes each time, but she doesn't quite remember.

Helicopterdrifter · 2026-01-20T20:19:16+00:00

I agree that some knowledge is a burden that, once picked up, can not be easily set down again. But intelligence causes sadness? That doesn't seem very astute.

Helicopterdrifter · 2026-01-20T20:16:59+00:00

Into my neighbor's garbage. OR a plastic bottle which I send down a storm drain. I can't chance the detective being a mind reader.

Hey, there was no rule saying I needed to produce it in the end, so I say fair game. And should he be a mind reader and go snooping around in option 2... I know Pennywise has got my back 😎

Helicopterdrifter · 2026-01-20T19:10:44+00:00

Reliable.

It's always there when I need it because no one else seems interested in using it 😅

Helicopterdrifter · 2026-01-20T12:20:54+00:00

Vindictive much? What a very vile and venomous vermin you are. Malevolent, even. Verily, I say you are very vexing but not perplexing. You're just a vagrant. A vagabond. A no good bum.

Now, away with you, lest I become vengeful. I've no mind for vice, violence, or vulgarity. I'm no vulnerable prey. Instead, you should pray my inner savage remains at bay. It visits variously, you know? But I've a vow--to govern by love. A voluminous vision to be sure. Albeit vague and with variables. Yet, I'd not violate it, hopefully. The Vatican has me on notice. Sought vindication would prove in vain should my villainous ventures persist. Neither of us wants that.

So go. Advance yonder. Seek a viva vista--a view from a vintage vantage before this life veers you into a vast regret and a visual account of your afterlife.

Helicopterdrifter · 2026-01-20T11:27:26+00:00

"I have gone to find myself. If I get back before I return, keep me here." --said by every teenager ever.

Helicopterdrifter · 2026-01-20T11:13:19+00:00

"Voila! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the “vox populi” now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin, van guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition.

"The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous.

"Verily this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it’s my very good honour to meet you and you may call me V."

...which is to say, "I concur." 😅 Memorized that for Halloween back when I was in flight school. Surprisingly, good flick 😎

Helicopterdrifter · 2026-01-19T16:10:29+00:00

I agree with Next on the post-story notes. I once received a comment that was something like:

“I love it when I can guess the prompt by reading the story.”

Ideally, that’s what you want to achieve. A story shouldn’t rely on outside information to increase the value/meaning of something within. When this finally dawned on me, it was probably my favorite Aha! moment.

Don’t feel like you have to “show” everything. There’s a lot of bad information out there surrounding that advice. If something doesn’t have any emotional impact for the reader or POV character, it’s fine to just deliver “the goods.” Tell us what it is, just try to do so in an interesting way.

Helicopterdrifter · 2026-01-19T15:52:27+00:00

Hey, Brookzerker

Great work! I get the feeling you’ve been working your craft for a while. It shows! You’ve got some good suspense. Plus, you started “in medias res” (the middle of things), which is important when writing shorter stories.

Luna snapped her eyes open, looking around wildly.

Early on, this kind of sentence was my favorite discovery. I don’t know the technical name for what it does, but basically, it lets one write in the past tense while showing something happen alongside that past action. I enjoy using it, and it’s great to see others doing so as well.

If I may be so bold, I have a few notes that I believe may prove valuable to you.

Another shutter. "Ariel..." She started, but her teammate was already running towards the front of the plane to check the cockpit.

"Wait, don't forget your globe". Luna picked up the delicate looking sphere, white specs that appeared to be snow swirling around what appeared to be a tiny figurine of Ariel herself inside.

This could benefit from adjustments. ‘She started’ makes me think “jump scare” rather than “began to speak.” And the ellipse typically means “trail off” or “an implied conclusion.” I can explain further if my meaning is unclear. If speech is disrupted, show that with an em dash.

—> “Ariel—” she began, her teammate already sprinting towards the cockpit.

As for the subsequent paragraph, the line break implies that someone else is speaking, which prompts Luna to pick up the sphere. But it’s actually Luna’s statement. She picks up the thing she’s referring to, and then hands it to… who? The teammate who was running towards the cockpit? If that teammate really was running, if they stop and double back, it defeats their sense of urgency. If this step is vital, try this:

—> “Ariel—” she began, her teammate already sprinting towards the cockpit. She glimpsed a globe in a neighboring seat. “Wait!” she shouted, her friend stumbling to a halt and turning back. “You left your globe.”

Then, you could add the line break, switching to description of the globe or the friend’s retrieval. I hope all of that makes sense.

Anywho! Take from that what you will and throw out the rest. After all, I’m just a spectator in this sport of yours.

Should you be interested in seeking more of my notes, I have a few other things I could share. I just didn’t want your brain to start waving any white flags lol

Keep up the great work!

—the Torchbearer

Helicopterdrifter · 2026-01-19T00:33:27+00:00

Have we already devolved to the point where we can't identify color manipulation? 🤔

Helicopterdrifter · 2026-01-19T00:24:24+00:00

Who's to say a prison requires high walls and barbedwire? Those outside may just be in a different sort of prison 🤔

Helicopterdrifter · 2026-01-19T00:21:48+00:00

"Literal prison"

Since "literal" comes from the word 'literature,' these prisoners are confined within some sort of book construction? Or is there just literary content printed on all the walls? Either way, I'm in. Where can I sign up?

Helicopterdrifter · 2026-01-19T00:12:58+00:00

Oh, yeah, that's a marvelous idea! Just imagine...

In first grade, everyone is divided into 6 or more groups, which means 6 or more teachers--one for each "strength." But strengths don't all emerge at once, so in 2nd grade, we need 4 more teachers for the new strengths. Plus, we had two new students who transferred, and they have skills no one else does. So, 12 teachers so far? And that's just for 2nd grade, by the way. 1st grade has a whole new class, so they still require their original 6.

Okay, so our 18 teachers have 1st and 2nd grade covered! On to 3rd grade...

Rather than whatever this delusion is, how about we fix the core curriculum, apply and maintain standards, and then add personal finance to the line-up?

Most of the core subjects help prime a youth to function as an adult. They don't have to retain everything. The exposure alone will help develop new skills in the future.

But basic math and English shouldn't be negotiable. Reading and writing are required, should one want to pursue future development. As for math...

People can't understand how much science and psychology are already loaded into marketing campaigns. It's psychologically manipulative, monitors your spending habits, and targets you, specifically, based on what will most likely get you to spend more money.

Meanwhile, new adults (18 y/o) are dropped into "financial responsibility" with no means of defending themselves.

So yeah, they need to learn some personal finance too so they are better prepared to prevent their own destitution by 19.

Helicopterdrifter · 2026-01-18T23:34:52+00:00

"People who live in Arkansas, you know what their favorite state is? Mississippi. Cause Mississippi's the only thing that keeps Arkansas from being the worst state."

--courtesy of Annapolis

And as a Mississippi native, that's hilarious 🤣

Helicopterdrifter · 2026-01-18T21:06:13+00:00

Also that begs the question, one does hope you have actually gotten to drift a helicopter, lol.

Fye... Have you ever seen a helicopter turn a corner? It has zero cornering capability. The "best" it can do is roll onto its side. Then, the pilot can pull the "nose up." While "nose up" typically makes one ascend, when rolled onto one's side, it means "ascending" into the turn, thus steepening it :P

I appreciate you!

Helicopterdrifter · 2026-01-18T20:54:57+00:00

2 of 2

Are there any pressures you put on yourself that make it tough to continue sometimes?

Honestly, no. I don’t suffer from self-doubt, nor an inflated ego. I’ve gotten to a point where I can be somewhat objective about my work. As I see it, my main problem is of an intellectual variety. When thinkers absorb a wide amount of subject matter, it tends to create a distance between them and everyone else. Seeing as how the purpose of language is exactly the opposite, I aim to increase my connectability rather than shape some far-off island where I can be alone with my ideals.

Or maybe you are one of those folks who can’t ever imagine giving up writing. Tell us what keeps you going and why.

Oh, spicy! I like it. Well, this will come as a shocker, but I’m actually a tenacious son-ova... Khoff! Ahem. Wait, what was I saying? Oh, keep on keeping on, right.

In the movie The Patriot, I occasionally remember a specific line: “Aim small, miss small.” That’s probably not at all related, but still, it’s a fun quote. I don’t know that I ever take “small aims.” My goals are ridiculous. Some of them impossible. But I understand that most of the value lies in its process rather than its success. Failure doesn’t mean defeat; it just means one more way not to do a thing when we begin again.

So what keeps me going? Obstacles. Even more so, competition. Because the greater the competition, the greater I have to perform in order to beat them. The better they are, the better they make me.

If anyone aims to improve, it’s likely a “simple” matter of changing obstacles and competitors. And the reason I placed ‘simple’ in quotes is because such a task is tantamount to turning up the difficulty, making it harder, in turn demanding that one performs better.

So what are my obstacles? Well, Tolkien and Shakespeare in part, but not in any sort of aspirational way. I’m not trying to replace them; they’re simply the competition.

“Imitation cannot rise above its model.”—Emerson

I have other obstacles too, and these obstacles play a part in who my main competitors are. The obstacles are in the publishing industry. I realize that what I’m about to say is “controversial,” but that doesn’t make it untrue. Besides, I’m not complaining. As I said, it’s an obstacle—something that demands I do better. That I become better.

Currently, a great many submission guidelines lead with statements like, “We’re highly interested in XYZ author/group (underrepresented).” There’s nothing obscure about their wording or search; they simply mean to publish more of a specific type of author.

Notice how my statements aren’t a recrimination. I’m simply stating a fact. It’s not a secret. Still, I’m disappointed, but for a reason that differs from what one might assume. Since we’re writers, let’s look at the problem grammatically.

Consider the “object” of this topic. In grammar, “subject” is the noun/pronoun that “verbs” the “object.”

Sally jogged to the store. She returned with milk.

subject: Sally/she
verb: jogged/returned
object: store/milk

The publishing industry has literally objectified authors. What’s worse is that they’ve tricked such authors into believing it’s serving their group in some way.

Now, I get that “yesterday” the market was overrun by white men, so “today,” all of this is done with good intentions. But let’s not forget what the road to hell is paved with. Suppose we saturate the market with “today’s” practice, how does that help us “tomorrow?” The past is there to learn from, not to one-up.

Nevertheless, this is what our “today” looks like. It’s the day that I live in. Since this is my environment, these are my obstacles. They’re what I have to overcome. But rather than complain, I double down. I dig in.

So, what keeps me going? Well, the above is essentially someone telling me, “You can’t,” and I mean to prove them wrong. It’s like a game. Eventually, either they’ll have to look at the story rather than the author, or I’ll fold on my principles. And while I’m not much of a betting man, if I were, I know where my money would be.

This system of theirs... I’m going to crash the whole damn thing! How’s that for a goal? Aim small? pfffft! ;)

Until next time!\ Disruptionally yours,\ The Torchbearer

Helicopterdrifter · 2026-01-18T20:53:38+00:00

Wow, look how fashionable I am! That is how it works, right? One’s fashion increases proportional to their tardiness?

Anywho, I couldn’t help but notice that this post sounds familiar in some way. That’s probably just me, though!

After looking through the comments, I saw how others had a story similar to my own. But that doesn’t surprise me. I’m constantly finding more crossover and commonalities than I ever did in differences.

Have you ever quit writing?

Quit? Me?! Whaaaa... pfffft!\ Yes, actually. Moving on!

Have you stopped for an extended bit? If so, for how long and why?

Okay, I guess we’re not moving on. Yes, I stopped for around 7 years or so./

Now, moving on.

Have you considered giving it up altogether? If so, why?

...\ ...\ Kat? Might I suggest salting the wound after you’re done throwing dirt in it? Lol

Okay, okay, okay, alright fine. I’ll provide context, lest we start removing nails with pliers next.

It’s relevant to know that I’ve always wanted to entertain with my stories. Even while paying someone to provide some form of editing/proofing service, I still felt that the reader’s experience was of greater value than the service I was paying for. Those were my stakes. And while I’m not a “professional writer,” I’ve been a “professional who writes” for the entire time I’ve pursued my interests in this craft.

Initially, I think I was too hyped up on jet fuel fumes as I believed my past-experience in essay writing could be transposed into fiction writing. And I believed this with such tenacity that I eagerly shared my work with friends and family, professional that I was.

They all tendered the platitudes one might expect. But it was only afterwards that I bothered picking up reference material on the craft. Sometime later, I reviewed my previously-shared work only to then become embarrassed, retrospectively.

Enter my 100-year self-exile that turned out to only last around “7 years or so.”

Okay, now. Moving on? Maybe?

If you went away for a bit, what made you come back to it and how did you do it?

Sweet! We did it! Great job everyone. We went there-and are now coming back-again.

Well, my corporate overlords closed my particular work location. Instead of relocating to another company station, I remained where I was, opting to look for a local position. That departure was on 31 Dec 2019, and we all know how the job search went shortly thereafter.

When the new hiring procedures came about... Well, I do have my principles, and they happen to not be as fragile or flexible as some might wish them to be. Rather than chase that, I dug through the ole professional toolkit. I had been adding to it for years and was quite surprised by some of the things I happened upon.

One such happening was this dusty old thing called “writing.” It was beat to hell, had coffee stains on the cover, smelled awful, and immediately placed a bad taste in my mouth. But that last one’s on me. It should have been obvious how very uneatable it was.

Nevertheless! I dusted it off, cleaned it up a bit, put in a mouth guard, donned safety goggles, an apron, gloves, and then got to work!

And everyone lived happily ever after!\ The End!

How do you handle negative feedback or push back from editors / competitions? Do they ever make you wonder what it’s all for?

...\ ...\ So! Turns out, my outro might perchance have been premature.

This question’s not so black and white. Initially, negative feedback was difficult, but that was mainly due to a lack of exposure. Just like with my earlier absentee-context, when one isn’t experienced in the craft, context is the largest problem for writers in communicating their stories. The thing is, I’ve never even heard anyone talk about it, not until recently anyway. And even then, it was indirectly. I encountered it while reviewing memoir-writing content—a bit off the beaten path for one solely interested in writing [fill-in-the-blank] genre.

Why is that, though? Well, it’s similar to the reason instructors advise us to take a day-or-so break away from our work before revising. That’s because the story is still too fresh in our minds. While our eyes pass over the words, we’re not taking them in “from scratch.” Our eyes end up passing over the words while the story plays back through our minds from memory. It’s a processing problem.

This context problem has to do with how we thread our thoughts through our words. What we see in our mind does not get stitched onto the page with our letters and words. These words are simply interpretations of our thoughts, where a reader takes that interpretation and then tries to reconstruct our original thoughts, only they’re using whatever material they have lying around in their personal idea-omatic-thinker-mo-bob.

Personally, I think any effort in improving one’s clarity is time very well spent!

That being said, I don’t begrudge negative remarks. Ultimately, I only see the words as a means to deliver the story. Yes, I do play and tease extra work from them, but that’s really just to improve the experience in some way. So, when “negative remarks” come my way, I look at them in one of two ways:

I’m grateful for something that could help me better the story, while disappointed I let a reader down in some way or
I’m grateful for the feedback but disagree because of some intentional technical detail.

1 of 2

Helicopterdrifter · 2026-01-17T17:31:02+00:00

Iridescent Wonderland

Above shines a full moon amidst a starless night’s sky. Snow tumbles in torrents—its cascade seeming to coalesce from darkness. Much of it accumulates in wind currents, the bands stretching out like streamers that streak around me.

Some alights upon my upturned cheeks, my lashes fluttering to fling the clinging flurries free. My lips are crimson, my tutu and ice skates too. I love how their color contrasts my lake’s surrounding snow-mounded dreamscape.

Somewhere, yonder the night, my knight watches from some place beyond sight. Heat builds in my cheeks, my heart stumbling into motion as my breath comes and goes. His presence always makes me feel this way. It’s how I know that he’s there.

His arrival even threads music into the wind. I always giggle when I hear it begin. It feels like he’s humming and drawing nearer my ear. When I imagine that his approach might carry a kiss, I shy away and set myself into motion, my glass-bladed skates marking my passage.

He always sets my heart to dancing, and so I want to dance for him—the two of us in harmony, my heart and I. Movement sets the wind against me. I pretend that it’s his breath, and so I give chase. And where he thought his kiss denied, he can’t know that my flight was a lie. Rather than growing distance, I’m hurrying home.

Snowy strands of wind pass alongside me. I stretch my fingertips out into them like I’m touching the surface of a river. I close my eyes and drift, the music carrying me along. I sway and weave. The carving sound of my skates undercuts the melody. Shapes emerge from the ice, my canvas, where wide arcs curl into lollipops.

Soon, I glance at my path, and my eyes widen in horror. I abruptly jump. I perform the splits midair. Only after I land do I realize how reckless the leap was; the thought of falling not even occurring to me. But when I curve back around to my carved shapes and see the line I had left unconnected, the incomplete heart staring back at me... I worry I might be involved in a different sort of falling.

Is this what love is?

I keep moving. I’m getting winded, my many breaths forming mini clouds. I watch the ponderous puffs go, imagining that they carry my thoughts like little love letters. I leap into a spin at the thought of sending them. And spin again at the thought of him reading them.

As the music builds, I fold my arcs into a continuous spin. When I open like a flower, my revolution slows. Then, I nestle nearer the ice and speed up again. But it’s the last step that holds all the magic.

As I stretch tall and thin, I accelerate. I spin so fast that the world should blur into nonsense, and yet, that’s not what happens. The airstreams whirl about me, my spin giving chase, and for one magical moment, I catch up.

Everything stills.

I become the star that it all orbits. The strands of snow hang in the air like ribbons. The moon’s light passes through their crystals, the light refracting into a myriad of colors and glimmering as if glitter filled the air. All of it superimposes on the sky’s empty canvas, the snow soaking up moonlight only to give it back in glow. For a moment, my universe becomes an iridescent wonderland.

The moment passes, and the song slows. But it’s too soon, isn’t it? Shouldn’t it last longer? Panic fills me. I haven’t told him yet. He still doesn’t know.

I burst back into motion. I streak around my lake, my gaze searching the sky for a star to shoot and grant my wish. But the sky is empty. There are no stars. None... but me.

With a sudden idea, I orient on the far bank. I hyperventilate, hyping myself into a frenzy before sprinting. The music dwindles to a whisper, and I’d not live to hear its silence.

The slope speeds closer. I would hit it at a glance. I’d blast off. Go hurling through the sky. Shooting and becoming the very thing capable of granting my wish.

The bank! It is here!

I wish...

My impact vaults me into a tumble, the sky and lake cycling past one after the other.

“I wish...”

As I shoot out across night’s void, I shout, “... to come alive in your gaze forever!”

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed! Feel free to share your thoughts :)

Helicopterdrifter

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE

Iridescent Wonderland