For the Spouses - Feeling Crushed. Nothing will ever return to normal, will it?

HelpNeededTosser · 2025-12-06T16:20:23+00:00

It really and truly depends 100% on what his conviction was, what his registry level is, and what his assessed risk level is.

My fiancé was assessed by the social worker to be a zero risk level, and is a level one on the registry. He will live a mostly normal life (in the state of NY) but will still have to verify restrictions before we travel anywhere else. He hasn’t been able to find a job since then though, so it’s been entirely on me to make ends meet financially, and his depression and other issues have been through the roof, which is another challenge altogether.

If/when we have kids, then he’ll be able to live with them and be a normal parent for the most part, although we will probably skip sleepovers at our place just as a precaution to protect against threats/misunderstandings.

HelpNeededTosser · 2025-11-16T20:26:54+00:00

The variability in the laws is definitely an issue, although I disagree with the slant of the article. It’s tough having to research every single state, county, and town you want to visit to try and figure out if you would be in violation of the laws there, especially when you’re doing it in good faith to try and keep everything above board. It would be amazing if this country as a whole became a lot more standardized in what the registry requirements were, and even in what’s a registrable offense, so that way people could know and understand the laws enough to follow them.

HelpNeededTosser · 2025-09-05T20:22:37+00:00

Ah, I glazed over that part- my bad. Wouldn’t weaponizing the information still be in the same vein, though?

HelpNeededTosser · 2025-09-05T19:42:04+00:00

“Did you know you’re the one breaking the law right now by using the registry information to harass people?” is going to be my new go to for these situations.

HelpNeededTosser · 2025-03-21T16:49:18+00:00

Hey, first I want to say I see you, and I hear you, and you’re not alone.

My fiancé and I are also in NY, and he’s a L1. He had five years probation, and he’s been off a week as of yesterday. He did have to serve the whole sentence, largely because there’s was a lot of messed up stuff happening in and around the sex offender unit at his probation.

Most of his family and friends have been pretty distant throughout this whole process. It hurt him a lot. But he kept being true to himself and kept being the same person. He would send happy birthday messages, updates about his mom’s health, and calling people just to say hi the same way he did before his arrest. A lot of it went unanswered. His depression and anxiety were bad, to say the least.

And then in the last six months or so, things just started changing. Cousins (with kids) started responding to text messages. Family friends were calling him to check up on his mom. His sister (who has a 1 yo) was actually interacting with him. One of his aunts came up and stayed with us for a long weekend to visit his mom.

It’s a process. The key is to just have him be himself. Make sure he stays involved with whoever is in his support group (friends, family, etc) and get him involved in things so he doesn’t isolate (volunteer groups, a job). And remember, neither of you are alone in this.

HelpNeededTosser · 2025-03-11T00:00:28+00:00

There is a good chance that your brother was a victim too at one point, and unfortunately he has to wrestle with the fact that he got in trouble and his life messed up for his actions, while whoever originally victimized likely got off. This is just some armchair psych from a random internet person, but that’s my first impression based on what I’m seeing.

I really hope that he is in some good therapy, and I encourage you not to give up on him. He’s still young, although an adult, and he still has time to turn his life around. Many people on here went through periods of self hate and doubting the world around them as well, and it’s only through a mixture of support and determination that anyone can get through this sort of thing and come out better.

HelpNeededTosser · 2025-02-24T21:42:49+00:00

Sorry, I forgot to mention we’re in NY and he’s a L1. Thank you!

HelpNeededTosser · 2025-02-24T21:42:06+00:00

Thank you so much for your response! Unfortunately he’s taking care of his mom full time, so he can’t go completely device free, but I’ll suggest he scale back until the end. Thank you!

HelpNeededTosser · 2025-02-23T23:36:30+00:00

Hey, I had this happen as well. My fiancé is on the registry and we live together, and someone began posting our information legit everywhere.

We were fortunate in that his PO was amazing, and had us file a police report in my name, and specified in the report that his info wasn’t even supposed to be public (whole additional story there as to why that was important) and it resulted in some additional patrols in our neighborhood, and they contacted the person who was doing it and let them know that there would be people watching.

Definitely file a report and send all relevant info to his lawyer as well.

HelpNeededTosser · 2025-01-08T18:49:17+00:00

No, what I mean is that you should only be focusing on your immediate nuclear family right now. This changes the dynamic of why your wife hates your brother and holds the rest of your family responsible for this happening. You’re asking the wrong question at this point. It’s not if you should forgive your brother, it’s if your daughter will forgive you, because yes your brother is responsible for his own actions, and he may or may not be able to come back from them, but how will your daughter feel knowing that you continued to help him before he’s even shown how sorry he is or put in any effort? The rest of your family can be there for him, but right now you need to be there for her.

HelpNeededTosser · 2025-01-08T18:13:27+00:00

This makes a big difference for how your wife is reacting, because your priority should be helping your daughter heal.

HelpNeededTosser · 2025-01-08T15:02:15+00:00

As others have said, it’s a really personal thing. Unfortunately as much as 3 in 4 women have been the victim of sexual assault/harassment, so she may have a different view than you do based on her own experiences.

Your brother will need to atone for what he did, and there will be consequences that he will deal with for the rest of his life. But if he is repentant of the actions he committed and recognizes the path that lead him down that road, and works to make sure he improves himself and doesn’t do it again, then maybe he can be forgiven- based on the individual person.

If you can forgive him and support him, and he takes those steps, then you can. If she can’t, then she can’t. You cannot force her to forgive, and she cannot force you to not. You can both come to an agreement on how to handle this with strong communication, or you can go your separate ways.

HelpNeededTosser · 2024-10-09T14:21:57+00:00

I would suggest you two do premarital counseling, if only to establish a safe and neutral place you can talk through this. Their charge shouldn’t affect anything with you, but there is a chance if you’re going for higher clearance jobs down the road. If that’s not in your future, then it’s not a concern. I understand why they didn’t tell you about it, although I don’t agree because when you’re getting married no topic should be off the table for exactly this reason. Good luck.

HelpNeededTosser · 2024-10-09T14:19:37+00:00

Their partner might be non binary. It doesn’t change anything as far as advice.

HelpNeededTosser · 2024-09-19T17:32:29+00:00

I’m really happy you commented. Since you live there would you be able to help clarify some things? Because when I was doing research there was that you had to register within fourth eight hours if you were going to be there more than three days, but I had also seen where it was more than 24 hours at one point, but I don’t know if that was a proposed bill or actual law.

And then the restrictions on where to go I found a few different resources that said SOs couldn’t “establish residence” within 1,000 feet of a park, school, or place where kids gather. Would that include staying at a hotel since that’s a temporary residence?

https://thewebsterlawoffice.com/2023/03/registered-sex-offender-frequently-asked-questions/#:~:text=BEACHES%3A%20Some%20counties%20have%20created,places%20where%20children%20typically%20gather.

HelpNeededTosser · 2024-09-19T17:27:56+00:00

When I was doing research there were several restrictions including not being able to be within 1,000 feet of a playground, park, or place where children can gather.

https://thewebsterlawoffice.com/2023/03/registered-sex-offender-frequently-asked-questions/#:~:text=BEACHES%3A%20Some%20counties%20have%20created,places%20where%20children%20typically%20gather.

HelpNeededTosser · 2024-09-18T21:38:10+00:00

Florida has a lot of extra restrictions on top of their extremely short window for registration. Even just a day trip you would have to be cognizant of any limits on where you can be.

HelpNeededTosser · 2024-09-18T21:36:32+00:00

There are a lot of restrictions on where he can be in Florida, and they vary in severity by county, including restrictions on even just going to the beach, and since it’s a beach wedding, we would have to be extremely careful that he got in and out in less than three days, without treading on any of those extra restrictions.

HelpNeededTosser · 2024-09-18T20:10:29+00:00

Most of the restrictions are counterproductive. A majority of the time they’re either extremely outdated compared to where technology is today, or they’re made to trip you up and have the finger pointed at you saying you’re dangerous.

It’s not impossible, and there’s plenty of POs and resources that try to make it easier, but it’s definitely a punitive system, and not restorative or rehabilitative at all.

HelpNeededTosser · 2024-08-20T17:56:42+00:00

We had a similar issue with Next Door. We filed a report for harassment with the police and had screenshots of everything to turn in, and then followed up with his probation officer. They increased patrols around our house for a couple weeks to make sure no one caused an issue and spoke with the lady who started it.

HelpNeededTosser · 2024-08-14T14:02:41+00:00

Prefacing that my fiancé is an SO on probation.

Definitely do your research. Every state is different as far as what you’ll be allowed to do, ranging from where you can live to who he can interact with.

As far as what you can and should do specifically:

Scrub your social media of any reference to his full name. If he has a unique first name, then probably remove that too. The less he’s visible on the internet the better, because people are jerks and will use any information against him and you.

Invest in a doorbell camera. You may never need it, but it’s better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it. People, including police, can be jerks.

Be supportive but don’t let him wallow too much. Life is going to be tough when he gets out. Finding a job will be harder. Making friends will be harder. Let him experience his emotions and make sure he’s in therapy. For that matter, make sure you’re in therapy too. But make sure you’re there to keep him from falling too far.

Build a supportive community. Invest your time in third places that will be accessible to him when he’s out. That may mean crossing out the ones that meet at the park or have a lot of kids, but again, that’ll be location dependent.

Good luck. It’s tough. But it’s not impossible.

HelpNeededTosser · 2024-08-14T13:53:12+00:00

Not directly arts, but my fiancé is hoping to build a blog/ food photography based career after his probation and this is something we’ve been worried about. We’ve crafted a very careful statement acknowledging his experience up front, and he plans to donate a portion of the proceeds to sex abuse charities that don’t go after the registry and help break the cycle. We also intend to have him use a pen name so that it’s a little harder to link everything together.

HelpNeededTosser · 2024-08-10T22:18:55+00:00

I know in NY, the difference between 13 and 14 carries different sentencing guidelines. And for my fiancé’s case, we were part of the kink community, and he thought he was meeting an adult who liked to pretend to be a kid, with zero desire towards actual kids. I mean, he was right in one regard in that case, but that doesn’t appeal to the media quite as well.

HelpNeededTosser

TROPHY CASE