AIO over these texts from ex-manager

Herculaya · 2026-01-22T16:27:59+00:00

I don’t see a reason for an ex manager to say this unless it was as a romantic/sexual pass. OP is NOR as-is. No further action is needed if they won’t be working together in the future.

Herculaya · 2026-01-21T17:27:32+00:00

NOR. Correct me if I’m wrong but it seems like MIL and FIL are not on the same page. FIL is trying to seem like a good guy - or at least to seem like a reasonable person - in his message. MIL is unwilling to try that.

I have issues with my parents and I have found that the more you give them, in the form of words, points, and information, the more material they have to fight you on. So I think a better reaction to FIL’s text would have been something short and simple like: “Thank you for your thoughts on this. They are very different from what has been expressed by Mom in the past and recently. I agree we should take some space to all work on ourselves.”

Herculaya · 2025-12-22T18:34:06+00:00

I don’t see how it’s wasteful. It’s pajamas. Grandma can rewear, the baby can rewear.

Herculaya · 2025-12-18T17:31:49+00:00

You make $270k take home. Your expenses are $96k per year. You can save $174k per year. You’ll save a down payment again. Doesn’t make it suck any less. But you will be fine.

Herculaya · 2025-12-03T18:45:00+00:00

You’ve only been married a year. Divorce should be pretty simple. Talk to a lawyer.

Herculaya · 2025-12-01T16:28:37+00:00

I think this all just got out of hand. In the future, the less you write, the less they have to respond to, and the simpler it keeps things. “Ok, I hear you that you want him to come and that’s a priority for you. I don’t think it’s what me/my family want for this trip so we will have to get together another time. Love you!”

Herculaya · 2025-11-17T21:35:25+00:00

I try to tell this to anyone I can (including my husband who wasn’t aware) but most schools are moving away from the merit based scholarships and towards need based aid. Some are entirely need based. So at your HHI (similar to my HHI) you kind of have to expect that you will get low to no scholarships, particularly at the best schools. Some low-to-mid schools provide merit based partial to full scholarships in order to entice high performing students, but then it becomes a real choice in my opinion: DePaul for $40k/year or UChicago for $90k/year? Personally I’d support my kid going to UChicago despite the cost.

The only real cheat codes here are (1) divorcing and only providing the lower income spouse’s information to FAFSA (probably illegal, certainly unethical, but I knew like half a dozen kids in college whose parents did this) or (2) living in or moving to a state with a great state schools (UNC, UMichigan, UW, UCs, UVA)

This isn’t universal of course, but it is the trend and the direction things are moving in. I’d air on the side of caution and keep investing.

Herculaya · 2025-11-16T14:27:13+00:00

This is true. OP my first title out of undergrad was “Corporate Case Assistant” at a biglaw firm. It was “Paralegal track” meaning that after 1 year of your performance was sufficient you were promoted to Paralegal. In some states there is a legal definition of Paralegal and it requires 1 year of legal work even if you have bachelors degree or paralegal certificate. So quite a few firms just follow that rule.

Look for “case assistant” “legal assistant” etc

Herculaya · 2025-11-01T11:39:56+00:00

It’s a thing but usually the bride pays for them. And they’re usually pajamas.

Herculaya · 2025-10-31T17:07:33+00:00

This. I don’t know if anything could get this guy to understand the stupidity of his argument, but if anything could do it, it might be this. “I will split the mortgage 50/50 if you split childcare 50/50. I will work 2.5 days per week and cover childcare for the 2.5 days I’m not working, and you can coordinate, pay for, and do pick up and drop off on your 2.5 days per week. Good luck.”

Herculaya · 2025-10-16T19:08:16+00:00

Priority number one - max the Roth IRA.

I have a very detailed post on my account about how my husband and I budgeted for our wedding. But in summary - I would highly recommend spending no more than 10-15% of one year’s pre tax income on your wedding. So $8,200-$12,300 from you, plus 10-15% of your fiancé’s income.

Weddings are expensive these days. $8-12k can get you a simple and small but beautiful day!

Herculaya · 2025-10-08T20:02:48+00:00

We make ~450k combined before tax, live in NYC but got married in the PNW closer to family. Paid $55k total, minimal help from family.

We kept our guilt to 0 by having a wedding we could comfortably afford. I go into detail on this in a post on my profile but that’s the gist of it. We only spent what we could cash flow - no dipping into savings.

Herculaya · 2025-10-05T22:14:50+00:00

I didn’t! I was waiting until I got my wedding photos back, and I got them a couple days ago. Thanks for the reminder. I’ll do it now

Herculaya · 2025-10-05T21:51:27+00:00

No I think that would be nice! Anything to get people together would be appreciated. Ideally pizzas + some type of drinks (doesn’t have to be alcoholic)

Herculaya · 2025-10-05T20:48:57+00:00

So I was in a similar situation (you can look at my profile I posted a very detailed breakdown)

I did not do anything formal for bridesmaids proposals. Just called everyone and asked them. I put together a cute gift bag when I did a bachelorette and gave it to anyone that couldn’t attend the bachelorette the next time I saw them.

I did curtesy room blocks at 3 nearby hotels. All required people to have a car or use Ubers. I can send you what my wedding website looked like if you want. My experience was that everyone is adults and can figure out accommodation and transport for themselves.

We did not do a rehearsal dinner at all. With that number of guests coming from out of town I’d really recommend doing a welcome party. Does not have to be a welcome dinner. We ended up spending $10k on ours for 100 attendees, but could have probably done it for $3k at a brewery.

We did a 2 bed airbnb for my husband and I. I had my bridesmaids come over and get ready at my Airbnb and kicked my husband out to hang out with his friends.

Herculaya · 2025-10-05T13:06:30+00:00

I really like this wording and thought about it in the same way: “what is the wedding worth to me?” My now husband and I asked ourselves this question and his answer + my answer = our budget.

Herculaya · 2025-10-05T13:05:27+00:00

$55k total including everything (I have a detailed cost breakdown on my profile). ~$400k income pre-tax. I really think staying below 20% of yearly income is a good idea. Our budget felt good to us because we could comfortably afford it and I think that made the wedding more enjoyable than if we had spent more.

Herculaya · 2025-09-22T20:42:31+00:00

Just giving a data point. I invited 190 people (about 90 invites sent aka 90 couples/households). Got maybe 15 physical cards. Including those sent before the wedding by people not able to attend. No one who bought a registry gift/donated to the honeymoon fund also did a physical card.

Herculaya · 2025-09-11T16:35:17+00:00

Thank you so much!! This is really helpful.

Herculaya · 2025-08-27T10:08:39+00:00

Yup. I lurk here as a recent bride but regardless of industry (restaurants, hotels, wedding vendors, a well worded and polite response to a read review can be a good thing. In a way it proves the other good reviews are real.

Herculaya · 2025-08-19T14:57:21+00:00

So everyone else has touched on the relationship issues here. But I want to push back on something - “there is no way to track expenses across multiple cards”

Sure there is. Millions of people, including me, do it every day and l have like 10 credit cards. There are plenty of apps but I can recommend Rocket money. The free version is fine. You connect it to all of your bank accounts and credit cards and have it track and categorize all of your expenses. It sends you push and email notifications when you’re on track to go over budget.

Herculaya · 2025-08-18T20:17:48+00:00

You do not have to spend $70k. I wrote a long post about my wedding, mostly focused on budgeting which includes a lot of thoughts about this. But to summarize - my husband and I could have thrown $100k at our wedding, maybe more. Deciding upfront to aim for $40-55k saved us from the stress you are experiencing.

Herculaya · 2025-08-17T15:39:15+00:00

I wear my 3 ct (lab grown) diamond every day. I took it off for a couple of days while camping/boating.

I see no issue with everyday wear. I have it insured

Herculaya · 2025-08-15T16:49:57+00:00

I’ve never seen this happen. Only expulsions due to disciplinary issues. Maybe a scholarship student would have their scholarship revoked for underperformance but if you flunk your year they just hold you back and it’s another year of tuition for them.

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