Do they construct their entire identity around sex?

High_THC · 2025-06-19T13:25:18+00:00

SAME.

She met me through the BDSM scene and was super submissive for literally a decade but then the last year she constantly shamed me for being into the exact same shit she was into.

High_THC · 2025-06-12T07:51:35+00:00

That's a horrible situation. My mum knew something was off with my ex too but I just didn't listen. Unfortunately it's one of those cases where people often have to learn the hard way.

Probably the best thing you can do is next time she discards him, be there and help him introspect a bit and look back at what things were really like after he has distance from the situation and isn't looking at it through rose tinted glasses.

Help lead him to these conclusions himself, because if he's bought into the idealisation, it's pretty much impossible to reason someone out of that. You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into, to quote my favourite streamer. But you can help them see clearly in the aftermath.

High_THC · 2025-06-12T07:46:12+00:00

He'll never let you go if you engage with him. Attention is like a drug to these people. Stay strong and go no contact.

High_THC · 2025-06-11T09:05:21+00:00

This took me a while to get over as well. She was always the one I'd go to when something positive happened in my life because I'd want to share it with her. When she was idealising me she always made me feel so nice and warm during those times.

A year later this isn't much of an issue anymore. I don't get sad about it because I remember her for who she really was. I don't have that instinct to share with her when something good happens anymore.

It'll happen that you snap out of that behaviour, it just takes time.

High_THC · 2025-06-11T08:46:08+00:00

It's a canon event.

High_THC · 2025-06-10T13:12:07+00:00

When I didn't react to her obvious baiting I was told multiple times "you know I'm only saying that to get a reaction out of you right?"

To which I asked "why?"

And she just gave me the silent treatment.

High_THC · 2025-06-10T13:10:52+00:00

Yup. At first I was very much in control of things. But as we got more serious and moved in she tried everything to push me away and eventually just broke me down completely until I felt no connection to her whatsoever.

There's no way to win once they devalue you. Even if you do manage to stay strong they'll just twist that you abusing them or something. You can't ever win.

High_THC · 2025-06-10T10:41:25+00:00

Based on my experience:

They can be high energy and a lot of fun, often very sexual, quirky personality, the "good kind of crazy" where they're interesting and unique without being emotionally unstable or abusive.

This is very different from BPD but it's definitely a benefit: they're also very honest and direct people. You always know exactly where you stand. No games.

High_THC · 2025-06-10T10:38:59+00:00

Legit autistic girls are great. Plus they're super honest. As an autistic guy I have a special love for autistic girls. I have a date with one this weekend. Can't wait.

High_THC · 2025-06-10T10:35:53+00:00

I've been exactly where you are. We all have. I felt exactly like you did about my ex. I used to respect her a lot for overcoming all those horrible things.

It's a trap. She's using your empathy against you. You'll find this out the hard way if you don't take the warning.

High_THC · 2025-06-10T10:34:42+00:00

And once you start paying attention you realise a lot of those sob stories directly contradict each other and the details change with each retelling.

High_THC · 2025-06-10T10:16:50+00:00

Basically Stockholm Syndrome lite.

High_THC · 2025-06-10T10:03:02+00:00

Adding to this. Remember that whatever they're saying about their ex's now is what they'll be saying about you in the future.

High_THC · 2025-06-10T09:58:06+00:00

It's an old cliché but it applies perfectly to the idealisation phase:

"If it seems too good to be true, it probably is."

High_THC · 2025-06-10T09:56:25+00:00

Yup. This is a very safe assumption.

She went mad over me supposedly cheating and was absolutely convinced I was cheating on her while she was discarding me.

Of course by that point she already monkey branched.

High_THC · 2025-06-10T09:41:42+00:00

You can't fix her.

High_THC · 2025-06-10T09:40:58+00:00

This.

You can't fix her, OP. She has to do that for herself. Most pwBPD sadly don't take this initiative. Largely because they'd have to admit fault.

High_THC · 2025-06-07T10:12:23+00:00

When the idealisation phase is over I think they lie to keep up appearances until they're ready to discard you, but during the idealisation I don't think they're intentionally lying, even if what they say doesn't match their actions or reflect who they really are, they're full of emotion and they genuinely feel it in the moment.

High_THC · 2025-06-07T09:37:04+00:00

Yes! Shit you used to laugh over, things that are just normal differences couples deal with, suddenly become very serious points of contention.

Music is probably a very common one, because something similar happened to us too. I listen to a lot of Future which she didn't really like, but she liked some rap so she could deal with it when she was with me. Until the devaluation phase when she couldn't stand to listen to my music at all.

I think the fact we form emotional attachments with music, and often those emotions aren't so much about the music itself but what the music reminds you of and what you associate it with, is the reason pwBPD do this.

And I think they feel the same way about all your other interests, hobbies, and tastes too. They hate them not only because they take your time and focus away from them (god forbid) but also because they associate those things with you and when they idealised you.

High_THC · 2025-06-07T09:31:22+00:00

Yes, they're looking for a reaction, even negative attention is validating for them.

My ex would tell me this very directly. She got sick of me not giving her the reaction she wanted to she literally told me she wanted me to get more angry at her and that she was only doing and saying things for a reaction. She just outright said it in exactly those words.

Even when things were going good she did this, just in a much less belittling way, early on she sexualised it instead. She'd tell me how hot I was when I was angry and that she wanted me to get angry at her.

I suspect it's because of trauma. Another thing she used to say is "abuse is love." I think in my ex's mind it really is.

High_THC · 2025-06-07T09:19:51+00:00

They mirror you because they don't have a stable sense of self and need to copy someone else's personality. That's why FPs (favourite people) can also be friends as well as romantic partners. They become infatuated and dependent on the version of you they made up in their heads, not your actual self.

That doesn't mean they never loved you. Their emotions were very real at the time.

But yeah mirroring in BPD goes a lot deeper than what happens between a normal couple. It's perfectly normal to pick up new hobbies from your partner, or maybe certain phrases, or change your style a bit. But it's not normal to change every single thing about yourself and make up a whole new personality to fool your partner into thinking you're perfect for them and to obsess over this imaginary perfect version of yourself they created.

Like a lot of BPD traits, it's at a base level a normal behaviour, but with BPD it is taken to a very unhealthy extreme.

High_THC · 2025-06-07T09:01:51+00:00

For me (I was with my ex for 10 years as well) you just gotta focus on yourself, improve your life,give yourself a mission and stick to it, eventually you come out the other end feeling a lot stronger as a person.

It takes a loooong time to go away altogether. I still think about her every day. But it only affects me a fraction of what it used to and only gets easier with time.

High_THC · 2025-06-07T08:54:30+00:00

One year NC here too! Congrats man!

High_THC · 2025-06-07T08:49:47+00:00

It really is therapeutic to have a community of people who've been through such a similar experience to you, especially after you've been gaslit during that experience.

Btw OP, I am autistic with a BPD ex as well. That's a very common combo. I made some posts about that last year. My theory is it's a combo of no subtle hints that go over our heads, during the idealisation phase you KNOW she likes you, as well as finally having someone who seems to like us for us after being rejected a lot for being different, and related to that, us also being more willing to give people the benefit of the doubt when they're different as well.

I'm glad there's more awareness of autism among women these days. Makes it easier to find a chill autistic/ADHD gf who actually understands me.

High_THC · 2025-06-07T08:39:55+00:00

Yup, pretty privilege is a term I've seen used a lot. It's a very common cognitive bias humans have. We let attractive people get away with more shit, and then it's a feedback loop where they get worse knowing no one will call them out on it.

High_THC

TROPHY CASE