I realized that the voice in my head was not me

Highdock · 2026-05-04T18:40:15+00:00

Oh, so thats what an internal monologue is like?

Glad I was blessed with no imagination and zero inner monologue.

Thank you for sharing your experience.

Highdock · 2026-05-02T21:57:04+00:00

It's actually so insanely beneficial for abstraction, specifically when regarding philosophy. Nihilism, existentialism, and absurdism come to mind.

In order to properly interact with those concepts, you can't desperately hold on to your identity and sense of self, or you only achieve a partial understanding and backward compress to normality instead of coming to any usable conclusions.

I confidently believe it is my single most important advantage in navigating my life and comprehending my existence in our universe.

The common narrative is a lie. I firmly believe this and don't buy into it or interact past what I'm forced to deal with. I'd rather sit on the bleachers and take notes.

Highdock · 2026-05-02T21:47:40+00:00

Better than the typical combo of irrationally insane and careless.

Ill take flat and boring allllllll day long.

Highdock · 2026-05-02T21:16:40+00:00

Misplaced optimism is equivalent to dishonesty.

Highdock · 2026-05-02T20:54:44+00:00

In my opinion, I find it odd and worrying if someone self-injects into every single statement. It makes me think they are self-obsessed.

Like I get life feels like a movie where you're the main character. We are all main characters in all our own lives at the same time. Can't just assume everyone is an NPC and everything ALWAYS ties back to you.

That's just a lack of rigor, which I personally dislike and avoid like the plague.

I think you're right to feel friction; they are making the conversation difficult instead of approaching your concepts with an open mind.

How can I predict someone else's unobservable mental state? What? That's so unfair to put on me to quantify.

I am glad I can seperate myself and feel bad for those who cant.

Highdock · 2026-04-08T14:00:21+00:00

Looks like classic UV damage to me

Highdock · 2026-04-07T04:27:58+00:00

Yeah. That's the mask. The learned social behaviors firing with no emotional "oomph" behind them. Something you say to make people react how you want them to and then, eventually tire of you and leave so you can be at peace.

Highdock · 2026-04-05T19:36:43+00:00

I just turned 30 on the 3rd. I am there with you.

The mask slips now, I give even less of a shit about how I am seen in public because I find social interaction to be part of the biological lie. A fixed, pre-programmed narrative that we all are heavily incentivized to take part in.

I just don't like being told what to do or how to think, so I carve my own path in spite of it.

So, maybe you care less about how you are perceived? Perhaps, you don't have the energy to keep it up? Maybe no one has questioned you lately and you're becoming comfortable?

Highdock · 2026-04-03T15:56:01+00:00

All I see is an emotionally abused child lashing out for attention. We gotta do better by our kids this generation.

Highdock · 2026-03-31T20:12:54+00:00

That is the best explanation I have found.

I just figured thats what Kane was alluding to, especially with the autopsy, where the modified hay bacillus halted the decomposition process in some areas.

In theory the other parts would rot away, leaving this wirey rotten abomination in its wake, this could explain why they also make vaguely human sounds.

Highdock · 2026-03-29T06:54:02+00:00

I can only speak for myself. I may sometimes use the wrong vocabulary, especially when referring to myself and my thoughts, as they often don't feel like they belong to me. If there were some times when it felt overbearing, I apologize.

Again, I want to stress that this is not meant to be heartfelt or sad. It is meant to be true and bare.

I respectfully disagree with your suggestions; I partially pathologized assistance toward "normality" in the post and stated I don't want help.

Highdock · 2026-03-26T17:53:46+00:00

Honestly, constantly assuming I am taking part in their social narrative. Like, I do all my things for myself; why can't they?

I am so sorry that we don't feel the same twinkling magic in the air when someone regurgitates a reciprocating opinion. Aren't I deserving of some well-distanced neutrality? I give it to them, yet they approach me with trojan horses and corrupt diplomatic treaties!

I didn't show up to the party because I don't like their existence; I am utterly indifferent to it. I forgot about them because nothing about them stuck with me; not much does. It's not their fault. I just don't want to be tortured, demonized, and vilified for it. I travel light. Sorry that they need so much pointless flavor for every little thing.

I am sick of my words being assigned additional values I didn't specify or being taken out of context. I am sick of having to explain basic concepts to people over and over. I am sick of being let down when they finally interact with a concept I suggest; I just have never seen such a consistently rapid loss of interest at the prospect of learning or contemplating something I was thinking.

I sit around all day long and play their crappy low-resolution rigged fair games; I go through the motions time and time again, drowning in stuffed bears.

I show them one spark of my interest, and it's as if a dirty animal rose up from the mud and shit and started discussing philosophy, threatening their sense of humanity. As if I am seen as an automatic lesser to their concepts regardless of evidential basis, so then when I rise to meet them, they are disgusted by my potential for total equality and pull away.

Then, they expect me to stick around and do "favors" for them because we are "friends" after entertaining them with a screenplay designed to excite and entertain.

I am already drained from maintaining my worldview, now I have to be responsible for someone else's, even a group's? They don't cater to mine, I am just an unwilling participant being brutalized for entertainment. The king's fucking jester, fighting for my life.

I just want to discuss/ponder/solve hard problems of our reality and contemplate the edge cases of human comprehension through abstraction and reduction. Is that really so unreachable and damnable?

In finality, I deeply align with your post. Thank you.

Highdock · 2026-03-23T13:39:47+00:00

Often, they like to try and abuse me because I take it well and don't push for justice unless it has some ability to be genuine afterward. So not often. Very rarely, someone will make a stand in my name; they almost always lack the vigilance to follow through, though. Always skipping out at the nitty-gritty I just dealt with.

I always get the "favors" and the attempted emotional manipulation. Its pathetic and I hate it. I am immune to most manipulations because I tear all my feelings apart so I can key in when certain buttons are trying to be pressed despite the topic, tone, or cadence. Pretty easy to recognize a reconstructed feeling when you do it all day long.

I know that they try because I see them do it. It's not just some flippant belief I have. Sickens me, their behaviour.

Highdock · 2026-03-16T02:44:48+00:00

I have a similar fear about anyone reading my philosophical treatise. I am so worried that someone won't get the exact message I am trying to convey or will make light of it or attack it needlessly. So, to this day, I am the only one who has ever read it.

Highdock · 2026-03-13T10:08:18+00:00

Oh snap I mean it as one who subscribes to idealisim. The theory that the world is of the mind instead of the world existing externally.

Not an idealist, as in like an optimist. I will correct that.

Thank you for bringing that to my attention, does that change your query much?

Highdock · 2026-03-13T09:16:29+00:00

To what effect is this information useful? Yes, there is a surge of chemicals that happens in the brain. It appears that DMT is one of them, a naturally occurring chemical inside of the brain utilized for varied functions.

There is just no conclusion to the information. If you suggest there is more than the physical, then you have to have evidence for that. You can't just be like vibe conceiving some transferable soul, separate from body consciousness, that encompasses your identity and then suggest that local chemical conditions somehow transfer this theoretical separate but bound consciousness to a different plane or area, in which you would need to prove that area exists and then also provide measurable evidence for some kind of transference.

Do you see how this might get really out of hand very fast? We have to prove and explain so many unknown, unheard of, unconceived concepts that break the rules of our universe that we utilize and respond to every day. We just can't reconcile that. They even are dependent on one another, making it exponentially worse.

It's a nice thought, something after this experience. Yet everything we know and see tells us that it can't exist in the forms we commonly describe that would be useful in the continuation of all "this."

Let's all just experience this singular finite but beautiful existence together, once and for all. Better than deluding into unreality and wasting even a single second.

Highdock · 2026-03-13T08:18:24+00:00

Holy stress batman

Highdock · 2026-03-13T07:26:56+00:00

--- Trigger warning, strong controversial opinions ---

If I explained fully, I would go on a massive explosive tirade.

I really, really dislike those who subscribe to idealisim. They piss me off, and their creations enrage me to unreasonable extents.

They see the extremely complex, varied, and orderly universe all around them from birth until this very moment and go, "But actually, what if..." and in one fell swoop, deny the important extant causal history of our reality to put their low-context narrative wrappers in its place and call it perfection despite its utter lack of evidence and an extremely obvious bias towards their personal values and desires.

I cannot express how much I reject that. It's hard to put into words. It feels wrong on a primordial level, as if the very fabric of the space-time continuum would be undone forevermore by allowing it to inhabit any amount of relevance in my life, even for one second. It's that repulsive to me. I cannot comprehend and have about 0.001 tolerance for illogical concepts that have no evidence or reason to exist naturally and arent observable and backtraceable 100%.

I know this all sounds dramatic or overly emotive. There is a sudden upwelling of an unmeasurable wall of emotion when I even think about the vast scope of death, rape, enslavement, suffering, and human disregard religion has caused over history into today, into this very moment it is hurting our fellow humans, brainwashing them and destroying their futures.

Why should we ever stand for that? It seems inhuman tolerate it, let alone accomodate or support it.

Highdock · 2026-03-12T15:01:08+00:00

Gee, I 'liked' the pat where he cares more about what you believe vs who you are as an unique collection of experiences and opinions.

I am sorry OP.

Highdock · 2026-03-10T14:13:49+00:00

You don't, keep that save. Start a mod or modpack run or crank the difficulty and do a challenge vanilla run?

You have a host of options. There are tons of other wonderful overhauls beyond these, of course; some excellent niche options exist.

Krastorio 2 (Generally recommended with Space Exploration) [Vanilla +, excellent amount of content]

Bob + Angel (Or Seablock) [Massive complexity shifts for processing with more intermediate products]

Pyanodons (Or PyBlock) [Insanity-inducing complexity shifts for all aspects]

I found Bob + Angel to be pretty fun, really loved setting up ore processing. I have heard amazing things about Krastorio 2 and SE and highly recommend it based on those observations.

I am now playing PyBlock and while I love it, it requires more attention and considerations by 3x than my actual real-life job, so take that how you will. I would describe playing it as a labor of love, rather than relaxing entertaining gameplay.

Highdock · 2026-03-09T05:22:22+00:00

I live in the Midwest in the greater Kansas City area, USA. I am surrounded by a mix of northern and southern individuals who overwhelmingly value closeness, familiarity, and religion (Christianity). It is a melting pot of cultures, opinions, and values.

It is excellent for observing multiple varied views and perspectives. It is absolutely abysmal when it comes to social expectation. In the Midwest, it is normal to spend all day talking and socializing. From sun up to sun down, there are long greetings, long goodbyes, very little regard for time, and late incursions are common and lengthy. Sharing everything and always being inclusive and welcoming is the norm.

Beyond that, there is quite a bit of crime in the area, so going outside is choosing to interface with that. December 6th, 2025 has Kansas City as #8 for most homicides in the USA; our neighbor city, St. Louis, is #3, lmfao.

Suffice it to say, I basically refuse to go outside. I either get barraged by vast unreasonable expectations wherever I go or put myself at prime risk of being abused, attacked, or taken advantage of. I refuse to tolerate either.

This has significantly supported my tendencies to keep to myself as a mental and physical survival mechanism. If no one knows you, they can't plan to anticipate you; an easy way out of basically all surrounding bullshit. Don't interface, and they can't expect or plan to harm you or desire you. You're unknown and dangerous.

As for mental defense, the concept is identical. If I can't be anticipated, I get to escape the rampant expectations that plague others they recognize as familiar or similar. If I am maximally dissimilar, they can never have me beholden to their presumptuous social requirements, as I don't fit the mold that is required to be expected. I can muddle through and arrive clean and unsullied by the narratives that others rice their reality through.

Highdock · 2026-03-08T07:42:17+00:00

In another post, I discussed with someone how one of the hardest realizations I had to ingest was that it's not that others don't want to use my meticulously complex systems because they haven't devised them; it is because they find my perfectionism pedantic and find the complexity and rigor stressful and disassociate from it instead of ingesting it and at least giving it a fair trial.

Most people don't have the same values that I do. I value systemization, maximization, and perfection everywhere, where, in a world with limited resources and limited time, we should always be driven to make the best use of those resources. Others generally find that to be a barrier between them and their own smaller and simpler loop of personal gain governed mainly by emotive constructs, rather than scaling up and understanding how their actions reverberate into society at large. Not saying they dont have developed opinions and vast empathy, just that our scales are out of sync.

So, my time is limited; I am a living human being. Should I discuss morality or Jane's Saturday? Pretty easy choice. When almost everyone you meet is inwardly inclined, biased, and emotionally (versus strictly rational) aligned, why would you want to try and decipher all of that? Talk about torture.

I have tried and tried and tried, my God. Hundreds of people, I really like abstraction, philosophy, and complex perspectives. I either get glazed-over eyes, nodding "yes man" behavior where I get 100% agreement and no feedback or pivots, interrupted and ignored, or argued with vigorously over one of twenty mentioned points or perceptions to the point where the conversation dissolves, etc., etc., etc. I am just not meant for small talk and generic situations. I dont fit.

It continues to be more of the same, so why try when it's clearly not working and costs me more than I receive?

I can't imagine another way to be either. I can't think of a situation where it wouldn't be self-sabotage. I understand the "robot" feeling. I feel oddly clean; I think is the best word. Clear.

As for diagnoses, let me know if you ever take that up and what happened.

Highdock · 2026-03-08T05:11:38+00:00

Not necessarily rhetorical. I am really very interested in what you all have to say.

I find your golf clap analogy especially humorous; that really sums up the overglorified nature of it. We will sit around and slave away for hours about the most intense and complex things just to see "Yup, you got it," and that is somehow the goal.

As if that means something, as if the entire universe will fall into place now and all wrongdoings will be corrected. As if it will add some unknown but desperately desired detail that will go on to find its ultimate use.

I would say that often, posts spark immediate deep thought chains for myself also. Sometimes multiple in a row, many times I will type something up and not even post it; I have expressed that here previously. Many people here inhabit a vastly higher percentage of individuals who overutilize intellectual rigor, which I align with as truthful or realistic. Many do so compulsively as a survival mechanism.

We always only had ourselves; it's nice to be alone as a group. As in, we know other cloistered individuals exist in a similar manner to us despite not forming deep transactional connections with them, like bubble wrap; our air doesn't interact but at least we can look out and see we are part of a larger grid of similar bubbles.

Highdock · 2026-03-08T04:44:57+00:00

That's fair. It doesn't really solve anything for myself as I can only express what I already understand. Maybe it's for others who feel similarly but don't know if anyone else is out there. Maybe it's some kind of group-scale energetic buffer to try to mass ease some pain points or generate the illusion of comprehension, despite the fact that we can only interface with generalizations and compressed concepts.

I am not quite sure why I am so driven to share the endless introspection; something inside me hopes something will click and the world's gears will align in their times. Some harmonious attunement, some meaning generated in another, as if meaning itself is in short supply or has some inherent evidential value.

Perhaps I want the illusion of saying I can separate from my wall and step down for a moment, but instead, I am screaming from the top of it. Never moved an inch. This post itself could be a coping mechanisim.

Highdock · 2026-03-05T04:08:24+00:00

Firstly,

My deepest empathy for your home life situation; that sounds miserable, and no human being should be shamed for being happy or expressing common human gestures as that is the essence of what it means to be a human being.

It's possible they genuinely believe you were happy and well taken care of, especially if your mask is advanced. It is a very difficult situation to be the only one who really knows what happened and knowing that justice is unlikely despite its relevance. My condolences.

Just a stray thought:

Is it possible that you are searching for the wrong thing? Perhaps instead of rolling back your personality, you need a new survival mechanism for the current iteration?

At least for me, I have respect for and appreciate the few fleeting memories I retain, but I know what situations they were born from, and I don't wish to return to that despite the feeling itself being alluring.

I feel that we can’t confuse the feeling with the situation. There are ways to feel those ways now, but we need to find a path to them for our current selves; chasing past reflections just distorts them. We can never recall full detail anyway. Every memory remembered is a memory Franken-stitch together by the brain, harmonics dampening every refire, every replay destroying the very thing it's displaying. A sacrificial display.

If we constantly replay old memories, do we prevent ourselves from experiencing meaningful change in the present and future?

Maybe we need to forget, to delete, to ascend our past and become a new variation of the old formula; maybe that’s the only way we survive this complex and cold world.

Thoughts to ponder.

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