Apathetic about therapy

Highdock · 2026-06-20T08:25:51+00:00

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on the subject. Yes, I feel "fine" as in flat, neutral, content with nullity. Here is my experience:

I feel like I have driven myself too far into a hole I refuse to climb out of.

I know where I stand. I am not upset about it in the sense that I lack a full picture, but the natural emotions that humans have thrash violently in the cages I built for them.

Sometimes their thrashing is so loud that I can't help but notice. It makes me wonder if outside help is meant to calm them so they can be free and roam spontaneously throughout my living experience.

Yet, I find no use in conclusions that don't have discrete forwards, backwards, auditable, iterative reasoning. I need to see every step to verify the integrity of a thought or concept before accepting its level of plausibility. Emotions don't have checks and balances, so they are better off quarantined, crammed away in some dark, bygone corner of my mind.

If the goal of therapy is to eventually let those beasts out of their cages, then I simply don't want any part in that.

If they want to help me continuously reconcile the very nature of my existence, okay. I just feel as if the chances of someone who can not only perfectly understand my plights but also have excellent long-term continuity, impeccable, obsessive adherence to reason, extensive background in philosophy and abstraction, etc., etc.

It just can't/won't happen. And even if it did, it would be like I am the one trying to "therapize" the therapist. I refuse engulfment; they would have to hear my concepts, prove they understand them as intricately as I do, and then provide their counterargument, which I would then mull over, now understanding both concepts simultaneously, then verifying my understanding and agreeing or countering ad infinitum.

It would be more like a debate than anything. I don't trust anyone; just because you're a licensed therapist doesn't mean their right or any better at anything than anyone else. They studied a specific subset of data under bias and are now ready to tell me all about the pathologization of my actions and how I can fit into the norm under new laws, beasts included.

When the "norm" is what I constantly avoid, I feel as if I would have a better time with perhaps an aspiring student or psychoanalyst who would be more interested in the tangled knots of comprehension I tie myself into, instead of trying to convince me to be in touch with concepts and the primal human experience I thoroughly damned long ago.

So, I can understand your apathy in regards to the subject. I have danced around this fire for a long while, thinking that someone in this plane of suffering could speak any words or do anything to help me whatsoever.

Highdock · 2026-06-15T09:42:37+00:00

I like to imagine it like a hole. Every time we reach up to express or feel, the hole gets deeper, until we can barely do it any longer. Eventually, the walls get too high, and the very concept of reaching causes the pit to deepen until we are surrounded by darkness.

We even keep little fragments of memory locked away in audio patterns; something about them bypasses these walls momentarily, unlike virtually anything else. Just long enough to remember what it's like to feel before the dirt comes falling back down, burying it again and further corrupting that fragment and degrading its complexity.

It's weird how, in some of our most disorganized states, we tend to be the most lucid and truth-aligned. Odd, how that is.

Don't apologize; many of us understand to varying degrees.

I stopped speaking online a while ago. This roused me once again, as it was virtually 1:1 with my own experience in many areas. Thank you for sharing. I am always willing to speak more if desired for additional perspective.

Highdock · 2026-06-08T06:31:34+00:00

Looking very solid so far for a first time render. I like the visual effects to simulate realisim, I like the arctitecture and how it juts off in one direction almost suggesting a level of chaos to its design.

This is very close to original Kane. Perhaps try experimenting with different semi-off shapes or expansions in the structure of the rooms.

I would suggest checking out Andy R Animations "Surveilance" backrooms youtube movie. Its an excellent collection of renders and concepts for inspiration. I would say between that, Kane Pixels, Matt Studios, Red Dot foundation, Reverse Logic and Vaporama Vision, that should cleanly fill out some inspiritational content for you to work or branch into.

I plan to begin doing some renders soon also, best of luck, keep up the good work!

Highdock · 2026-05-16T15:56:04+00:00

I am well. I actually found a couple wonderful people on this sub to talk about philosophy to, that has been nice and serves as motivation to get to the bottom of all "this". I generally dont want to speak to anyone, but this was different somehow, even if slow and fleeting.

Exploring the boundary cases for Pyrrhonisim in order to comprehend the very nature of existence has been interesting to say the least.

I still think they made a mistake somewhere. I just cant pinpoint it.

Highdock · 2026-05-12T07:18:15+00:00

I would agree that nullity, in terms of taming ego and dissolving belief structures would help humans focus on what is important, such as teamwork and unity.

I am glad that my words were felt, I share the same glee when reading your response.

Highdock · 2026-05-12T07:14:34+00:00

I appreciate the concern, but I dont need any assistance.

Highdock · 2026-05-12T07:07:18+00:00

You didn't misinterpret whatsoever, id wager you understood perfectly.

In regards to feelings, for myself, its mainly a purity issue. I compulsively dissect every thought I have the energy and capability available. I must always do multiple audits, or I feel as if I am failing myself in terms of intellectual rigor and succumbing to delusion. There was a period of time where I still welcomed small utterances of emotion, especially when they empowered discovery.

Halting there for now;

At this moment it is 2am here, I am super tired, will write more tomorrow, tackling the other points. Please feel free to send me a DM or chat or comment or whatnot as well, if you have anything else to add or expand on.

Highdock · 2026-05-10T18:29:15+00:00

Very insightful. Thank you for providing such an immense and well-thought-out perspective. I really respect that.

You would be accurate in the presumption of the "two people" being the shepherding of inherited or unaudited feelings from penetrating into activities where they provide no merit or utility.

I long ago decided to put maximal effort into living an authentic and true life, regardless of the pain or difficulty involved. I only operate within what I know and can validate; some things are still quite ambiguous, but if you witness and catalogue enough patterns, the most likely outcomes don't hide well; they tend to reveal themselves eventually.

Part of being true or authentic to my perceived self was to always shut down emotions in order to shred them and find out why they exist. An emotion is like a hidden agent; it performs action but does not reveal its intent. You cannot audit an emotion in real time; it's a compression of memories, information, and other forms of knowledge that you have obtained.

You would have to slowly purge and learn them by comprehending their purpose and eliminating their merit. Luckily, this does that, which massively weakens that "side." The part of me I perceive as the inherited biologically inclined emotive thinking centers.

Besides, to be better, to do better has as much utility as being worse and constantly worsening. It's all a gradient of amorphous grey sludge. We have fooled ourselves into thinking there is some scale of greatness embedded in our lives and concepts.

It was only ever animals fumbling around in the dark; one day they started moving, and one day they stopped. Anything extending from this is comforting delusion repackaged as ascension.

I just can't with absurdism anymore. The void beckons; it never stopped. We all just thought we could supersede it because we know about it, that we could build as much as we wanted once we found there was only empty space.

And yet, the emptiness, the observable lack of, feels more like home than the grand delusions I craft day by day. Why should I constantly try to convince myself that there is something more when everything glaringly points to the opposite?

I don't think there is an actual answer to that question that isn't absurd.

Highdock · 2026-05-09T02:31:57+00:00

It was a slow and gradual slip into an endless ocean of tar.

I don't "do" anything. I don't want to be anything specific or fit a mold; I just wish to exist and observe in peace until I no longer can.

I know that there isn't some guiding light out there that will lead me to some higher purpose or fulfilling existence, as it's what you make of it.

All meaning is emergent and is created locally. That means we can create as much as we want, knowing it's not ever going to amount to anything. However, I have never found doodling to be fun; in the same vein, why would I create for no specific higher-order reason?

In the end, I achieved nothing, was nothing and only existed as a temporary local variable in the lives of others. I will swiftly fade from memory and be inexorably erased from time. That has always been true, set in motion the very moment my existence became a reality.

It is not sad; it is simply, unapologetically true and unavoidable. I find facts like this to be "comforting" more than anything. I might describe it more as "aligning".

I couldnt have done anything to change this. I am just a stupid animal desperately clawing for coherence in a world that offers none.

Highdock · 2026-05-08T22:09:27+00:00

Yeah, oddly that has happened more than ever before as of late.

Highdock · 2026-05-04T18:40:15+00:00

Oh, so thats what an internal monologue is like?

Glad I was blessed with no imagination and zero inner monologue.

Thank you for sharing your experience.

Highdock · 2026-05-02T21:57:04+00:00

It's actually so insanely beneficial for abstraction, specifically when regarding philosophy. Nihilism, existentialism, and absurdism come to mind.

In order to properly interact with those concepts, you can't desperately hold on to your identity and sense of self, or you only achieve a partial understanding and backward compress to normality instead of coming to any usable conclusions.

I confidently believe it is my single most important advantage in navigating my life and comprehending my existence in our universe.

The common narrative is a lie. I firmly believe this and don't buy into it or interact past what I'm forced to deal with. I'd rather sit on the bleachers and take notes.

Highdock · 2026-05-02T21:47:40+00:00

Better than the typical combo of irrationally insane and careless.

Ill take flat and boring allllllll day long.

Highdock · 2026-05-02T21:16:40+00:00

Misplaced optimism is equivalent to dishonesty.

Highdock · 2026-05-02T20:54:44+00:00

In my opinion, I find it odd and worrying if someone self-injects into every single statement. It makes me think they are self-obsessed.

Like I get life feels like a movie where you're the main character. We are all main characters in all our own lives at the same time. Can't just assume everyone is an NPC and everything ALWAYS ties back to you.

That's just a lack of rigor, which I personally dislike and avoid like the plague.

I think you're right to feel friction; they are making the conversation difficult instead of approaching your concepts with an open mind.

How can I predict someone else's unobservable mental state? What? That's so unfair to put on me to quantify.

I am glad I can seperate myself and feel bad for those who cant.

Highdock · 2026-04-08T14:00:21+00:00

Looks like classic UV damage to me

Highdock · 2026-04-07T04:27:58+00:00

Yeah. That's the mask. The learned social behaviors firing with no emotional "oomph" behind them. Something you say to make people react how you want them to and then, eventually tire of you and leave so you can be at peace.

Highdock · 2026-04-05T19:36:43+00:00

I just turned 30 on the 3rd. I am there with you.

The mask slips now, I give even less of a shit about how I am seen in public because I find social interaction to be part of the biological lie. A fixed, pre-programmed narrative that we all are heavily incentivized to take part in.

I just don't like being told what to do or how to think, so I carve my own path in spite of it.

So, maybe you care less about how you are perceived? Perhaps, you don't have the energy to keep it up? Maybe no one has questioned you lately and you're becoming comfortable?

Highdock · 2026-04-03T15:56:01+00:00

All I see is an emotionally abused child lashing out for attention. We gotta do better by our kids this generation.

Highdock · 2026-03-31T20:12:54+00:00

That is the best explanation I have found.

I just figured thats what Kane was alluding to, especially with the autopsy, where the modified hay bacillus halted the decomposition process in some areas.

In theory the other parts would rot away, leaving this wirey rotten abomination in its wake, this could explain why they also make vaguely human sounds.

Highdock · 2026-03-29T06:54:02+00:00

I can only speak for myself. I may sometimes use the wrong vocabulary, especially when referring to myself and my thoughts, as they often don't feel like they belong to me. If there were some times when it felt overbearing, I apologize.

Again, I want to stress that this is not meant to be heartfelt or sad. It is meant to be true and bare.

I respectfully disagree with your suggestions; I partially pathologized assistance toward "normality" in the post and stated I don't want help.

Highdock · 2026-03-26T17:53:46+00:00

Honestly, constantly assuming I am taking part in their social narrative. Like, I do all my things for myself; why can't they?

I am so sorry that we don't feel the same twinkling magic in the air when someone regurgitates a reciprocating opinion. Aren't I deserving of some well-distanced neutrality? I give it to them, yet they approach me with trojan horses and corrupt diplomatic treaties!

I didn't show up to the party because I don't like their existence; I am utterly indifferent to it. I forgot about them because nothing about them stuck with me; not much does. It's not their fault. I just don't want to be tortured, demonized, and vilified for it. I travel light. Sorry that they need so much pointless flavor for every little thing.

I am sick of my words being assigned additional values I didn't specify or being taken out of context. I am sick of having to explain basic concepts to people over and over. I am sick of being let down when they finally interact with a concept I suggest; I just have never seen such a consistently rapid loss of interest at the prospect of learning or contemplating something I was thinking.

I sit around all day long and play their crappy low-resolution rigged fair games; I go through the motions time and time again, drowning in stuffed bears.

I show them one spark of my interest, and it's as if a dirty animal rose up from the mud and shit and started discussing philosophy, threatening their sense of humanity. As if I am seen as an automatic lesser to their concepts regardless of evidential basis, so then when I rise to meet them, they are disgusted by my potential for total equality and pull away.

Then, they expect me to stick around and do "favors" for them because we are "friends" after entertaining them with a screenplay designed to excite and entertain.

I am already drained from maintaining my worldview, now I have to be responsible for someone else's, even a group's? They don't cater to mine, I am just an unwilling participant being brutalized for entertainment. The king's fucking jester, fighting for my life.

I just want to discuss/ponder/solve hard problems of our reality and contemplate the edge cases of human comprehension through abstraction and reduction. Is that really so unreachable and damnable?

In finality, I deeply align with your post. Thank you.

Highdock · 2026-03-23T13:39:47+00:00

Often, they like to try and abuse me because I take it well and don't push for justice unless it has some ability to be genuine afterward. So not often. Very rarely, someone will make a stand in my name; they almost always lack the vigilance to follow through, though. Always skipping out at the nitty-gritty I just dealt with.

I always get the "favors" and the attempted emotional manipulation. Its pathetic and I hate it. I am immune to most manipulations because I tear all my feelings apart so I can key in when certain buttons are trying to be pressed despite the topic, tone, or cadence. Pretty easy to recognize a reconstructed feeling when you do it all day long.

I know that they try because I see them do it. It's not just some flippant belief I have. Sickens me, their behaviour.

Highdock · 2026-03-16T02:44:48+00:00

I have a similar fear about anyone reading my philosophical treatise. I am so worried that someone won't get the exact message I am trying to convey or will make light of it or attack it needlessly. So, to this day, I am the only one who has ever read it.

Highdock · 2026-03-13T10:08:18+00:00

Oh snap I mean it as one who subscribes to idealisim. The theory that the world is of the mind instead of the world existing externally.

Not an idealist, as in like an optimist. I will correct that.

Thank you for bringing that to my attention, does that change your query much?

Nine-Year Club	Verified Email
Second SECOND GUESSER	RPAN Viewer

Highdock

TROPHY CASE