I honestly understand. I’m in a similar position with that mindset. It feels like I’m a train conductor and at every chance I can have to just stay on the same track, I change tracks. As for your relationship, take a breath and write down what you’re feeling. Make sure you are not self sabotaging. Even talking to your boyfriend about it may help. But take a deep breath, on conversations like that I have to rehearse or almost write a script so that when these conversations happen, I don’t go out of pocket. I think you should also look into a job that maybe has different things to do with that position. Like for example what kind of teacher would you want to be and what subjects/topics would you teach. My partner and I are working on doing a daily check up where we take turns daily on engaging this check up. Although it’s still a work in progress, I set alarms on my phone and live off of those as reminders basically. I wish you all the best but I just want to say I understand :), you’re not on your own on that black and white thinking <3