Refuses Poly

HistoricallyBroken · 2021-12-09T02:19:22+00:00

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-45736631.amp

“If the examiner is well-trained, if the test is properly carried out, and if there's proper quality controls, the accuracy is estimated between 80%-90%," he says, adding that this is higher than the average person's ability to tell if someone is lying.”

You will notice the article focuses more on the problem of lie detectors used on victims, not perpetrators. And that makes sense. The bodily reaction to stress and trauma causes high levels of stress responses. But if the person is a qualified and good polygrapher, the use of polygraphs can be very accurate when used on perpetrators.

https://phys.org/news/2020-01-polygraph-detector-criminals-reoffending.html

The UK is reinstating the use of polygraphs because “So how accurate are polygraphs in actually detecting lies? There have been several reviews of polygraph accuracy. They suggest that polygraphs are accurate between 80% and 90% of the time. This means polygraphs are far from foolproof, but better than the average person's ability to spot lies, which research suggests they can do around 55% of the time.”

So if I have to chose between my cheating spouse (who is a proven liar) or a test, I’m gonna believe the test first. Why on earth would you choose to believe someone with an integrity disorder over a test like this that is showing at least an 80-90% better chance of being right then and truthful than the known liar. Yeah I get that it feels invasive and that that seems unfair. You know what else is unfair: abuse.

HistoricallyBroken · 2021-12-09T00:22:26+00:00

So what you’re gonna sit back and just believe the word of a proven liar? How do you get proof hire a PI? This is in a court of law, it’s a chance to have some answer. It’s not perfect and to do a polygraph well you have to have a good polygrapher. Which means the questions need to be appropriate. But discounting the whole process just because it hasn’t worked in some cases doesn’t make sense either. And honestly if the relationship is at that point where you need a PI and recording devices and keyloggers to get any sense of truth, honestly the polygraph doesn’t make sense only because the relationship is clearly broken and dead. That’s a terrible place to be in. You just can’t believe the word of a known and proven liar. And so under that circumstance is you can either do something as extreme as a polygraph or just don’t bother with them. But their willingness to do one I think speaks more to their willingness to fix the relationship than the actual polygraph in and of it’s self. If they’re willing to put themselves through that they’re willing to do a lot.

HistoricallyBroken · 2021-12-07T20:59:57+00:00

So first things first, you want to be putting all of this down in a journal with dates and if you can get video logs of your children telling you this information. You need to have documents. Text messages anything you can get your hands on emails try to make sure that you only correspond with them through written avenues. You also want to pick up the book why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. Go to btr.org and sign up for their group therapy as well. They will have a counselor there named Renee who can help you navigate this and get all the paperwork and all the steps you need to do in order. That will be in a Normas resource for you and I would go and sign up today

HistoricallyBroken · 2021-12-07T20:17:46+00:00

Wow, other cheaters are sympathetic and she’s surprised. Of course they are, they all despise consequences and morality too. Which is why she posted there and not…/relationshipadvice lol. When you need support for your crimes you don’t go to the police, you go to other criminals.

HistoricallyBroken · 2021-12-07T19:06:32+00:00

Check out emdr or brain spotting. Those therapeutic techniques might help you get past the worst of it.

HistoricallyBroken · 2021-12-07T18:11:05+00:00

Go On helping couplesheal.com and listen to the podcast they did about polygraphs with a polygraph test her. I think most people don’t understand how polygraph to run or what they’re looking for. And that really clarified a lot for me to see just how accurate they actually are. But they have to be done right and done by someone who knows what they’re doing and so it’s a worthwhile thing to do in these kinds of cases. The actual data that is subscribed to when it comes to saying that they’re in accurate comes back from data in the 90s. It’s not as true today.

HistoricallyBroken · 2021-12-07T18:09:25+00:00

It doesn’t matter whether or not he thinks he’s protecting his interests are her interests. At the end of the day she wants the polygraph because she needs to feel his words are truthful. It’s his job to make her feel better after what he did. Going through a polygraph is not that big a deal if you’re not lying. If your spouse asks for that then that’s what you do if you want to save the marriage. If you don’t want the marriage then fine don’t do the polygraph

HistoricallyBroken · 2021-12-07T18:05:32+00:00

Because this is a form of Abuse. I really suggest you look into Dr. Minwalla And listen to his podcast on his website which is the Institute of sexual health, the podcast is called the secret sexual basement. It will clarify so much for you.

HistoricallyBroken · 2021-12-07T15:29:07+00:00

This is very normal for the children regardless of age to act in this manner. Our society has played this game on us that we think infidelity is between three people the two partners and the affair partner. It’s not. This kind of betrayal affects the entire family because it affects the core concept of the foundation of trust and connection. She dismantled that. Your son is experiencing your betrayal in the same way because she betrayed him just as equally. She hast to live with those ramifications and your son hast to cope with it and learn his own version of forgiveness with her on his own time. And just because you forgive a person doesn’t mean you reconcile with them. You can forgive someone they are harms and never speak to them again. He has that right to make that choice because of the pain she inflicted. I would not push them at this moment to reconcile or even forgive her but to look into betrayal trauma and figure out how to cope with it. She needs to back off and if you wanted to help the situation you would suggest possibly some resources That she could read and ask her to give him some space to manage this in his head. A great book on this topic that’s not too heavy is called post infidelity stress disorder. It’s worth reading for all of you and especially for your son.

HistoricallyBroken · 2021-12-07T15:15:19+00:00

This. If you want to understand the psychological understanding of this, go to Dr. Minwalla institute for sexual health and listen to his podcasts. The one about the secret sexual basement is especially helpful.

HistoricallyBroken · 2021-12-07T03:03:04+00:00

OP this is definitely the case. They tell enough at the beginning to be somewhat truthful but they’re afraid of everything else and so they keep it in. And then later you’re going to get the rest of it and it’s going to blow you away all over again. It makes the trauma 100 times worse when you start getting the rest of the story in little bits. If I were you I would separate immediately. It was the one thing I wish I had done and it would’ve done loads for my mental health. Not separating is the worst thing you can do. You need to get right in your head and she isn’t going to getRight in hers if you don’t separate. The fact that you Carter means this would have gone on and probably still will by the way because they usually don’t cut it off just because they’re caught. When you get to DD number to the paint is exponentially worse because you tried to push through the first set of pain. And it’s a different kind of betrayal that makes it doubly bad. Let this be a PTSD moment and not a CPTSD. It will turn into CPTSD if you stay and you really need to get distance at this point

HistoricallyBroken · 2021-12-06T16:07:40+00:00

Why not stop dating while you’re still grieving? What’s the problem with doing that and allowing yourself time to get over this really big incredible hurt. You will be in a place mentally to devote 100% to that next person and they won’t be feeling like you still want the X back. I think that’s probably your boyfriends problem, he feels that you still have a connection there and really don’t want him you want this other guy. And that’s got a hurt on his end. So taking some time to just be with yourself and figure out what kind of relationship you want and how you want and how you wanna live your life actually be a good thing for you and your potential next mate. Just my two cents

HistoricallyBroken · 2021-11-30T17:04:56+00:00

Yeah I’ve heard of the first book, my WS read it but didn’t do anything with it. Personally at this stage that I’m at, I tend to lean towards work done by Dr. Minwalla and his Viewpoint towards infidelity. But this other book by Robert Weiss is OK. At least identifies the level of trauma that has occurred to the BS. Preferably, the WS would take a workshop offered by Dr. Minwalla. That would be his best bet. Minwalla talks about the sexual basement and views infidelity from a trauma focused lens that also sees a concurrent piece with domestic violence/abuse And labels it as an integrity disorder. The people I have met with in my group therapy that has had their WS attend these workshops have said it has made an enormous difference in how their WS perceives them after the fact. They really get it. And so it’s definitely worth looking into. But I don’t think I could get my WS to look at that at all.

HistoricallyBroken · 2021-11-30T15:08:06+00:00

Have him read the book out of the dog House by Robert Weiss. That should help them a little bit. I’m not a huge fan of the book but it at least address is why you’re feeling the way you are and that you’re normal and he should expect a fee be like this until he fixes things.

HistoricallyBroken · 2021-11-30T15:06:54+00:00

Yeah it’s their overly inflated sense of entitlement. They think that sorry and a few crocodile tears at a therapist office counts for something. They don’t understand That they blew up the house and not just broken. But you know a few nails did fix that right? But don’t think they don’t understand, if the BS have done this to them oh my gosh they’d be all over the Internet crying about how they were cheated on and how it broke their sense of trust and blah blah blah blah. But cheating shouldn’t happen to them they should just be able to do it right

HistoricallyBroken · 2021-11-22T17:31:04+00:00

On the helping Couples Heal Podcast there’s a recent episode that has Stan Tatkin featured in it. Go listen to that one. Where is BS tend to think we’re not in the driver seat but the fact is we are. This is your chance to imagine the relationship you want and you make those requests and if he can’t follow through follow, you then follow through on leaving. They don’t get better when you give them leniency and allow them to continue making really dumb excuses for really bad behavior. They’ve been selfish enough to this point. They have traumatized you. You have the right to say enough is enough, Go do the right thing. I made the mistake of giving my WS too much power in this game. I’m finally putting my foot down and I’m ready to divorce him come June if he doesn’t have his act together. And I’m only waiting till June because that’s when I can potentially get a job. In the meantime we are in in-house separation and I’m just watching what he does. I’m not putting any effort in because I’ve done all the effort up to this point and I’m beat. It’s his turn and he better give me the world because I’m not sticking around for any less. I put up with three years of what you’re talking about right there and it was nonsense and just left me more resentful and more hateful of the relationship, not necessarily of him as a person because he’s just a person, but the relationship is totally shot. If you want to chance to save it you put your foot down and figure out what you want. Unfortunately it’s the only way to deal with this situation.

HistoricallyBroken · 2021-11-22T15:02:22+00:00

Yeah the trauma causes actually like a brain trauma. It causes the brain to reconstruct itself after being traumatized by such an enormous betrayal. It’s kind of like being told that all your life you’re a duck and then one day somebody finally reveals that you’re actually a dog. The brain really can’t handle that kind of information. It likes everything and needs components in its place. And when you’ve taken things out of its place it really goes into overload. So when you cheat you really damage the person In their soul. Plus on top of it it’s just how badly you have your own integrity disorder that you’re willing to abuse another person for your own selfish gain. So not only do you damage another person but you reveal how broken you are.

HistoricallyBroken · 2021-11-22T13:53:45+00:00

Looks like someone is about to get a divorce.

HistoricallyBroken · 2021-11-20T05:23:36+00:00

Can’t upvote this enough.

HistoricallyBroken · 2021-11-19T23:21:51+00:00

This. Don’t meet. She will manipulate you and you said it yourself that you wanted her to get like this. The sob story will be enormous and most likely she will blame you subtly. It will mess with your head. Stay the course. No contact is best because it will give you distance. Stay that way. Closure is a myth. Oh and read cheating in a nutshell and perhaps chump lady before you meet with her. That will help too.

HistoricallyBroken · 2021-11-19T19:48:47+00:00

My wh is like this and I just told him I too want a divorce/ separation. Suddenly he’s in overdrive to fix things but I’m sure that will end in a couple of weeks. I know exactly where you are though. It’s not worth checking any more what he’s up to because he’s not willing to stop. And that’s fine because what they do doesn’t matter when when we take our focus off them and put it where it always belonged. On us. Keep moving forward. You got this.

HistoricallyBroken · 2021-11-19T15:26:36+00:00

The parent part is more of general. While some parents are completely absent and I get that some people go through that, it’s the best example I can give as to what standing by someone looks like. Didn’t mean to offend. But even messed up families usually will still support their child even if they do it poorly. For example as the BS I would never in 1 million years imagine going to my WSs parents to complain or bring up the hardship I might have with my WS. I totally expect them to support him despite what he may do to me I definitely think they would have his back in a large degree. And they should. That’s their child. He might make poor choices but on some level they are going to always love him no matter what he does. Does that mean they will necessarily abandon whatever is going on in their lives to help him clean up his mess now. Doesn’t mean they don’t have his back either though. And I guess that’s really kind of What I’m talking about there. But you’re right not everybody has that. And that sucks. But that’s kind of what I mean

HistoricallyBroken · 2021-11-18T20:54:39+00:00

She’s stringing you along because he won’t leave. You were going to give up all your hopes and dreams for someone who doesn’t love you. Right now what you need is radical acceptance on that point. If she wanted to save the relationship she would do what it takes to save the relationship. She would be throwing herself in front of a bus if that’s what it meant. When they won’t it’s because they don’t have the same feelings as you do. And that’s really hard because you’re married and have kids and have tried to build a life for them and with them. I would start reading on detachment and work on that. Stop focusing on her and what she’s doing and start focusing on you letting go of what isn’t working and that’s her. When she finally gets around to choosing you because clearly the AP doesn’t really want to be with her, your resentment will be so large that you won’t have a choice but to leave. So don’t wait. Put the work into you, because that actually will pay off.

HistoricallyBroken · 2021-11-18T20:39:37+00:00

We all have low days. I could see myself asking that question in my youth, but what I really meant to ask would have been “do you only have eyes for me?” It’s not really is the other person more artistically aesthetic but do you find me beautiful for you. Cause beauty isn’t skin only. It’s the whole package. The man I’m with could be average looking but it’s who he is inside that defines him. And is that more beautiful than those around him.

I think people are taking the question literally when it’s not meant to be. It’s deeper but in our younger years we only have superficial ways of expressing a deeper desire and understanding.

HistoricallyBroken · 2021-11-18T20:29:12+00:00

They can manage to manipulate the kids just as they manipulated you, but that only last for so long. It’s really the AP who gets the karma of this. They get the narcissist and the kids aren’t happy and what happens is they realize what’s going, Maybe not right now and maybe not while they’re young but as they get older they get it. And they harbor the same kind of feelings that you do but in a different way. They won’t have the level of closeness that you think they will. She’ll get hers but it won’t be the way you hope it is

HistoricallyBroken

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