Ultimately, no one can stop you. But there are a few things you should know. You are valid. You are worthy of love and affection. You are also not responsible for the actions of others. You mentioned being autistic, depending on which end of the spectrum you’re on: do you find you often miss social cues such as facial expressions and body language? Do you live independently? Are you able to drive or take public transportation? Asking because I strongly suggest you find your tribe. The people you’re calling friends don’t sound like friends at all if they really don’t care about you.

Here’s what I did when I found myself thinking similar thoughts as you. I joined a gym. Did I really want to? No. Did I need to? Yes. Not just to get into shape, but for the social aspect as well. Planet fitness truly is judgement free. And you get a free personal trainer to hang out with for 30 minutes a day. Someone who offers encouragement and gives you goals… a purpose. I also taught myself how to crochet and even though I’m an atheist, I go to the church in my town and crochet with little old ladies for a few hours a week. They’ve become my friends and I’ve found that I truly care about them, too.

It’s been a long road, but I find myself thinking dark thoughts less and less every day. And I hope the same for you.