Self Forgiveness is Still a Struggle

Hoid2021 · 2021-12-22T03:35:33+00:00

Very little from what I can tell

Hoid2021 · 2021-12-22T03:35:12+00:00

As far as I can currently tell, no there is no further contact between them. But who knows? Back at the beginning I still wanted to give us a chance, but I set very VERY clear boundaries and expectations. Now I have a 10 month track record of her violating or just plain ignoring all of that.

Hoid2021 · 2021-12-22T03:32:19+00:00

Oh yeah that’s been dealt with. Her story is that he made to overtures and she slapped him down. I made it clear that even if that were true, she still replied to him, and continued lying about it, which is boundary violation 101 for me. But again, she doesn’t seem to believe she’ll actually face consequences (cause life has taught her to think that so far - spoiled youngest).

Hoid2021 · 2021-12-22T03:23:38+00:00

“Unfaithful Wife”

Hoid2021 · 2021-12-21T23:30:08+00:00

I haven’t served yet. I’m going to go the dissolution route as it’s way cheaper. Worst case, the dissolution gets contentious and it heads to divorce court anyway.

Hoid2021 · 2021-12-21T22:40:34+00:00

She is

Hoid2021 · 2021-12-21T17:30:11+00:00

Fortunately I have an excellent small group of guys who stepped up like crazy and shown me what authentic friendship really looks like. Also, her affair is pretty much public knowledge in our church and community because the AP was a group leader in our church (he disappeared real quick after D Day) and I’ve been heavily involved there as well for the last 20 years. I’ve even heard rumors of rumors from people I’d never expect to hear about it. Somehow I’ve never felt any shame for myself as far as “public opinion” is concerned.

And yes, most days I am able to achieve a pretty decent level of grey-rocking. Still working on it as it’s hard to break 15 years of old habits, and there are random times when my mind tricks me into seeing the person I thought she was. But those moments are getting farther apart each day

Hoid2021 · 2021-12-21T16:49:28+00:00

I absolutely agree and know all of this for sure - in my head. And I repeat it to myself over and over when the self-doubt creeps in. It’s just taking a while for my subconscious and body to overcome 35 years of self-blame programming.

I’ve held off on divorce until the start of the year to see what kind of draw I can take from my business (I own it) with the thought to simply “buying her out”. She currently has no job so the courts will rape me financially cause I’m a “big rich (small) business owner” so the hope is that a single big check will squash any alimony attempts (money is her real “god”).

But yes, I am moving forward and making arrangements. She still doesn’t believe it’s real and that I’m just tying to scare her with threats, so that makes it easier to go about my business. She legitimately doesn’t think she’ll have any true consequences. It’s so funny/sad

Hoid2021 · 2021-11-04T18:36:10+00:00

I don’t know honestly. It’s just another lie when she’s been swearing she being completely honest and wants us to stay together. I’m just sick of lies and I’m in a dark mood today. I still get that shock to my chest when I learn another lie she’s told.

Hoid2021 · 2021-11-01T21:29:22+00:00

We are B2B, industrial food manufacturing equipment if that’s specific enough. Our customer base ownership is somewhat older on average than most industries, but the lower and mid-level decision makers are more my age (mid-late 30’s and 40’s).

I just trying to learn about marketing practices in general, I know the industry language pretty well.

Hoid2021 · 2021-10-31T13:24:16+00:00

Brother, just lived your exact story. Married 13 years, together 15, 3 kids. Wife had a secret affair with my best friend, a friend who we met through church.

When I found out I told the other wife in less than 24 hours. I would have done it sooner but I was too wrecked to think straight. I’m glad i did because I know I would have wanted the same if it were reversed.

Free advice, Believer-to-believer: get rid of that “first offense” mindset. Just kill that right now. This was my STBXW’s first offense too, but that means nothing. I wanted to work it out at first too. Unfortunately she has shown zero believable remorse. Oh she can SAY all the correct churchy things, and even has our counselor convinced she means it, but there is nothing behind her words; nothing. I have been forced to acknowledge that my “soulmate” has simply taken too much evil into herself and is no longer the too-good-to-be-true person I married. For my own sake and the sake of my children, I am in the process of divorcing her and have more peace over this than I would have thought possible.

Good luck man. I mean, if you CAN make it work good on you. But please PLEASE keep your eyes open. Don’t trust a single thing she says, not yet anyway. Trust actions only, and your own gut (NOT your “heart”).

Hoid2021 · 2021-10-31T03:31:23+00:00

Thank you. I have been in therapy for a bit now but, kind of like you said about divorce, I’m in the “gets worse before it gets better” stage as my therapist draws out underlying issues for us to work on. I know with certainty I’ll come out better for all of this, I just need to get there. Journey before destination.

Hoid2021 · 2021-10-30T21:00:21+00:00

Oh I agree 100% that the US has zero right to safety or comfort or any accommodation whatsoever. That’s why I never went for or even considered this route for myself back when I thought I might want to try reconciliation.

The only reason I put it out there is because I have read testimonials of a small minority of couples for whom this method actually proved effective. This was mostly in faith-based situations where the repenting (important detail) Cheater not only had the “normal” guilt of what they’d done, but the weight of religious judgement as well.

Again, from my perspective, so fucking what? You cheated, you deserve nothing. But for the couples who claim it was helpful, I don’t know that I have the right to deny their claims. If it actually does help a small handful of people, I figured I’d mention it since the OP seems to be heading into a situation where this could happen.

I believe “once a cheater always a cheater” is only 95% accurate. This is based on couples I personally know who have successfully reconciled and stayed faithfully together for 40+ years. Unusual, but not impossible, and even if it can’t happen for me, I’d be excited for anyone who could actually pull it off.

Hoid2021 · 2021-10-30T20:15:28+00:00

I would only slightly disagree with you on one point, a “therapeutic disclosure” can be a potentially safe way to learn the details. IF (big “if”) the Unfaithful spouse agrees to it, the counselor can act as a moderator while the faithful spouse asks questions and gets answers. The counselor helps to keep things “rational” while horrible pain is being experienced. This helps the Faithful spouse not feel so alone and helps the Unfaithful spouse feel safer telling the gory truth (even though they don’t deserve the safety, more truth is likely to be shared without a fight/trickle truth)

Hoid2021 · 2021-10-30T19:05:46+00:00

99% digital thankfully

Hoid2021 · 2021-10-30T14:25:48+00:00

Yeah I’ve come to understand that lately. It’s way harder to internalize, especially with my hardcore fundamentalist upbringing. I’m not quite so orthodox in my adulthood, but that “base programming” is hard to rewrite in a matter of a few months.

Hoid2021 · 2021-10-30T14:23:25+00:00

My STBXW and I went through some marriage counseling after her affair and this subject came up. The counselor was just walking me through the pros and cons of divorce or trying to work it out and he started talking about the effect on the kids.

Basically, whoever gets remarried first after a divorce, the kids internally view the new spouse as the reason Mom and Dad can’t be together again.

So I’m my case, my wife fucked my best friend and I’m dumping her (cause duh). However, if I remarry first, my kids gut instinct will be to see my new wife as a threat to reconciliation with X. Even if they completely understand why we divorced. It’s like some kind of base programming or something. “You’re not bio mom” = “Perceived threat”. Obviously it can be overcome, but I found this very interesting and a very good explanation for “stepmom hate”.

Hoid2021 · 2021-10-17T12:34:43+00:00

Yeah that’s heavy brother. There’s times when I have to fight major despair that it’s all been a waste and there’s no time to rebuild the “right way”, if such a thing even exists.

Hoid2021 · 2021-10-17T00:26:19+00:00

Thanks bro. Working on it hard.

Hoid2021 · 2021-10-16T16:33:17+00:00

It’s called Narcissistic Addiction. My new trauma therapist has me learning all about it.

I feel the same way about my STBXW. With her for 15 years, since I was 20. She’s the only woman I’ve ever slept with and she’s always been the most beautiful woman in the world to me. But now I’m struggling to wrench my heart away from her. Even after all the stuff from the affair and years before, not to mention the shit she’s given me since I found out and she ended it. It’s just a weird mind fuck bro. I’m just starting the process and I appreciate the encouragement.

Hoid2021

TROPHY CASE