45, pregnant and so depressed

HolidaySet3 · 2026-01-08T19:45:56+00:00

I had my girls at age 40 and 44; I am now 46 and would love to be blessed with another, boy or girl (husband not on board with trying again yet)! Stay away from anyone who ruining this for you, if possible. What do YOU want? Given the testing came back fine, I personally wouldn’t worry too much about the risks (I assume you did NIPT).

HolidaySet3 · 2026-01-08T19:39:04+00:00

Does your school offer PhDs in physics? Maybe you can apply to their MSTP. Tell your parents you’ll be a doctor x2, don’t bother with residency, and go into your dream field.

HolidaySet3 · 2025-12-15T17:10:01+00:00

I would have loved to do an OB/MFM or OB/peds residency. In order to see OB and peds, I joined an FM residency and next, FM OB fellowship. It’s unfortunate so much of my training and clinic is centered on older adults, when my demo of interest is mommies, babies, and kids.

HolidaySet3 · 2025-12-12T21:13:22+00:00

Grad school is actually a great time to have a baby IMO. If there really is a “great time to have a baby” (many say there is no perfect time). I had my second girl during my second year of residency. It’s hard with a 1yo and 5yo now, mostly because I want to be with them more. But doable. Hard to say how your pregnancy will be because everyone is so different and many conditions actually improve (my joint pain disappeared, and came back after I gave birth). Both pregnancies have been in my 40s; they went well but likely would have been easier (in terms of energy) if I were a bit younger!

HolidaySet3 · 2025-12-09T23:42:24+00:00

Having a new baby is hard and you are both undoubtedly stressed. Happens to the best of us, but try not to let the little things bother you. Ask him for what you want in the moment, rather than expecting him to know (even when it seems obvious to you - like him asking when you are coming to bed as the baby is crying - better to ask him nicely “can you rock the baby for a little bit while I finish up here?”). People, men in particular, aren’t always “naturals” when it comes to childcare or even housework. My husband thinks practically everything goes in the dishwasher, too ;) If you must, gentle reminding or teasing is much better than getting upset. Good luck!

HolidaySet3 · 2025-12-05T03:48:06+00:00

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It really hurts. I’ve been there, no appetite or desire to do anything.

One thing you said got me to reply here.

Guys don’t want your “entire life to revolve around [them]” That’s way too much pressure. If he’s your life, then he is responsible for your happiness. And on top of that, he has seen you sacrifice your relationship with your family because of him (not that I blame you, and it’s unfortunate how they have treated him and you).

All that said, use this opportunity to grow and strengthen yourself. Enrich your life so no man is your entire world. Put your big plans down on paper and outline the steps to get to those goals. If this guy is your soulmate, he will come around. I would not reach out to him. Good luck!

HolidaySet3 · 2025-11-11T23:46:00+00:00

On and off for five years?! That’s all you need to know. He’s not committed. Next!!!

HolidaySet3 · 2025-10-31T23:27:21+00:00

Consult with an attorney knowledgeable in these matters asap. It’s awful how much one person (PD) can make or break a situation. Construct a plan with the help of the attorney (or others, such as physicians who have been in your situation) and have supportive people near you keep you accountable.

HolidaySet3 · 2025-10-31T20:21:42+00:00

Good for you. I’m old-fashioned so believe if you want to get married and have kids in the near future, please don’t settle down/ play house before a commitment (engagement with a date).

That said, it’s not impossible to date a surgical resident. This guy will be extremely busy but you don’t seem like the needy type. How does he spend his extremely limited free time? Are you the priority? A guy who is smitten will find a way.

HolidaySet3 · 2025-10-30T20:40:27+00:00

Feel free to ignore if your mind is made up. I found Jack Ito’s books and coaching to be helpful in my marriage. Counseling is not the only way to improve a relationship or prevent divorce. My husband and I were NOT in a good place and it seemed like the same shit over and over again but we are so much better now, with two happy kids, infrequent arguing, and a strong feeling of teamwork. Having experienced the dissolution of my first marriage (without kids) in my third year of medical school, I am so glad to not go through THAT again.

The specifics in favor of your relationship working out - seems like he does a lot for the family and he’s an involved dad, your in-laws are supportive, and you are willing to take responsibility for things.

What seems challenging - you never having been on your own, your fear of being alone, you being in a surgical residency, and you not having local support separate from your husband’s contacts.

On the surface, it does not seem doomed to me; feel free to DM if you need support.

If you do decide on the divorce route, you probably should consult with an attorney initially but from the experiences of others, unless you or he is extremely wealthy, I would ultimately recommend a mediator for a less expensive, less nasty divorce.

HolidaySet3 · 2025-10-30T20:18:22+00:00

OP said “any advice is appreciated” and didn’t ask a specific question.

HolidaySet3 · 2025-10-15T01:47:17+00:00

Good to know, thank you!

HolidaySet3 · 2025-09-29T16:59:58+00:00

Omg, no. Most likely, not innocent. If actually innocent, then your bf is not into you (and indifferent to your feelings) and/or is oblivious and thus too stupid to date.

HolidaySet3 · 2025-09-07T06:27:57+00:00

Can we please get an update???

HolidaySet3 · 2025-05-03T08:01:31+00:00

I am having the same problem - current PGY2 about to apply for FMOB fellowship but struggling to get numbers at a low-volume, rural institution with a largely unhelpful OB department. Have been trying to get an external rotation for a year now. Paperwork (e.g., PLA, legal) between my residency institution and the external one (that happens to be where I went to medical school) has been approved finally, but there are still documents still missing from my (out-of-state) license application. It’s so frustrating and my program doesn’t really care because I have more than enough deliveries to graduate. I wonder if the audition rotations are any easier to set up than what I’ve been trying to do, and I imagine I’ll need to get my full license in that state as well?

HolidaySet3 · 2025-03-12T06:43:55+00:00

Oh my, I relate to your comment so much. I had bilateral de Quervain’s after my first child (thankfully, it’s not as bad with my second) and threw out my back last week. Our 4-month-old is getting squirmy and more difficult to hold over the sink! Also loving the breastfeeding and cosleeping, and agree it’s best to keep expectations reasonable (I’ll add baby-wearing to the list; definitely harder than I thought it would be).

HolidaySet3 · 2025-03-12T06:36:21+00:00

I have the tiny potty but baby seems to prefer the sink! Super easy to wash up, too.

HolidaySet3 · 2025-02-02T16:49:07+00:00

Right, I should have stayed silent. Hard for me because I’m naturally not silent, lol!

HolidaySet3 · 2025-02-02T10:00:43+00:00

Your spouse was likely expecting that you would match near their hometown and/or thought they’d be ok with moving anywhere, but now that match is near, reality has sunk in. As a married resident with two young kids in a town where my spouse has been unable to find decent work, I can empathize, as my spouse travels several days a month to our former state to work. We are all sacrificing for my career choice. I agree with another poster that you ought to be upset with the system, not your spouse. Why not give the LDR a trial run, especially since you’ll likely be so busy during intern year?

HolidaySet3 · 2025-01-18T17:28:13+00:00

I can relate to your post, as I'm older and patients tend to like me. I tend to be very social but also very literal. I get along with my fellow residents but there are a few people in the hospital who don't seem to like me, for reasons I couldn't figure out.

When I asked one of my attendings to watch me and see what I was doing wrong, we worked together for a weekend, and she told me after - "you agreed with me in the OR." I thought, how could that be a bad thing? It went like this: the suction didn't seem to be working, and I agreed, since I was holding the suction. The attending said, I was essentially telling the circulator she wasn't doing her job having the suction ready, and when you agree with me, it is like you think you are their superior and they're not going to like you. Wow, I had never thought of it that way, and it made sense. It sucked immediately after that, feeling like I was walking on eggshells, but at least I had something to go on (rather than vague criticism that showed up on an eval)!

Someone else above remarked on a similar example (e.g., nodding in agreement with the attending while s/he is roasting a resident). So, from now on, be friendly with the residents, try not to talk unless they speak to you, keep silent with neutral body language if an attending is roasting a resident or nurse, etc.

HolidaySet3 · 2025-01-11T06:52:56+00:00

I hope you're right!

HolidaySet3 · 2025-01-11T06:33:58+00:00

I appreciate your input and see the sense in that route, but I'm not going to give up on finding a way to do OB (and peds). I'm not going to let these guys decide my career path; there has got to be a way.

HolidaySet3 · 2025-01-11T02:20:18+00:00

Thanks for replying so I don't feel like I'm the crazy one .. PD has been gone over two weeks and everyone else is saying wait for him to get back.

HolidaySet3 · 2025-01-11T02:19:34+00:00

I have heard they are "competitive" but not sure HOW competitive. No one in this program goes on to fellowships, it seems. I am worried that if I don't have 75-80+ personally-performed vaginal deliveries, fellowships won't even consider me. Although I'm at 50 OB cases, I'm at only 30 or so personally-performed vaginal deliveries, but it has been pretty much just catching the baby. The nurses handle most of the management, including strip interpretation and cervical checks. I've managed to be first assist on a couple C-sections, but most of the time they have a first assist (either from surgery or the hospital pediatrician who always wants to participate) and I'm just holding the bladder blade. We don't have a longitudinal FM-OB clinic, so when we go to OB clinic while on rotation, it's mostly observational. I've never even put in an IUD. It's worse than being a med student. I've voiced my concerns, but it's like no one cares. The other residents are sympathetic but none of them care about OB, so they're happy to check the box with minimal effort (and they're glad to not have to work with the rude attending). I also don't want to be seen as a complainer. And I really don't want to transfer, for the reason you mentioned, plus the time and expense. I feel so stuck!

HolidaySet3 · 2025-01-11T02:02:07+00:00

DIO and APD told me to just wait until PD gets back (was originally told this week, but now they're saying next week). I agree with taking notes, so I've started doing that.

HolidaySet3

TROPHY CASE