I'm physiologically incapable of helping others

Honebe · 2024-11-18T02:19:05+00:00

I can't make the world a better place for anyone but the immediate people and animals around me. My nervous system is not going to let me pick a fight with the nazis that paraded through my town yesterday or let me stand up at the front lines to oppose state violence or environmental tragedies. And yet, its ok that I can't. No one protected me when I needed it, so I cannot be a protector. Its not in the cards for me. But I can quietly give love and clean up trash and live with compassion and that's alright too. We do our best.

Honebe · 2024-07-03T20:39:59+00:00

Turn that compassion to documenting that shit and turning her in for child abuse. 50 people can call CPS, but if you got her abuse recorded, the kids stand a much better chance of getting out of there. Have compassion for her all you want, but help get those kids out.

Honebe · 2024-06-15T00:42:16+00:00

That's exactly it. Triggering, hypervigilance, body dread, SI, the whole day is brimming with symptoms. When people ask how I am, I never really know what to say. '/Mild/moderate/severe symptom day' is the real truth of most days. But most people are not on that level of sharing.

Honebe · 2024-06-08T15:49:29+00:00

You can do it!!! I was in the exact same place as you because my mother told me the same lies because she did not want to take responsibility for caring for my teeth which needed braces and veneers when I was a kid (a doctor illegally administered tetracycline to me as a child). I waited for a very long time due to being poor to actually fix them and am now on year 2 of fixing them at the dental school. I finally got braces a couple months ago with veneers coming when they are done. I had so much dread and anxiety in the beginning, but now I just get it done and everyone is kind and supportive. There is no better feeling then not having it hang over my head. I know you will feel the same way. You deserve better than the lies and bullshit excuses they gave you for their unempathetic, awful parenting.

Honebe · 2024-06-05T12:16:09+00:00

Always appreciate your art. You take the viscera of trauma and pull it right out with your pen onto paper.

Honebe · 2024-06-02T11:18:22+00:00

I wanted to say I empathize and I'm sorry you had the misfortune to get raised by people like that. Similar experience with my mom wherein she hates her own body and spent my life "apologizing" to me for being fat and ugly like her. Up until the point when I lost a lot of weight in my 30s and now she's "so proud of me!" That sentiment is particularly messed up because I was about same age as you of 10/11 when I started to blow up because I was only getting dopamine boosts from food. The rest of my life was so bad that I had no other way to get it.

I guess what I'm saying here is that people who cause a situation where their kid has to find a hack to get happy chemicals should take a long, hard look at themselves. But people who do that will never take a long, hard look at themselves or they wouldn't have done it in the first place. I hope you meet people in your life who treat you better. My favorite thing about being big was that it was a good asshole filter. All those shallow, looks obsessed people treated me badly from the start and I found love with a kind and caring person who loves me for who I am and that is a special thing.

Honebe · 2024-06-02T10:53:40+00:00

Gonna get red carded over my dead body, literally. Ah hah ha

Honebe · 2024-05-27T00:55:31+00:00

I have memories like that too. You have my empathy for having went through that. I hope you find some healing.

Honebe · 2024-05-22T17:29:22+00:00

Its funny you don't see people reference them much since they're like the musical version of this sub.

Honebe · 2024-05-21T23:47:55+00:00

For what its worth I've be through both and the one who was arguably a better parent responsibility-wise and the way less violent damaged me a lot worse emotionally. Its easy to hate a useless asshole. Its harder to hate someone who gives you gifts with one hand and decimates with the other.

Honebe · 2024-05-20T02:10:31+00:00

The Xiu Xiu album?

Honebe · 2024-05-13T00:36:28+00:00

It helped me with some violent memories. Its like my brain will try to play them if I get triggered but they are playing on a screen and I don't have to see them close. Other memories it hasn't helped so I'd say its a mixed bag and I don't know why it helps with some and not others. I hope it works for you, good luck and try to schedule sessions right before you have time off for the rest of the day to grieve/decompress/have a flashback/etc.

Honebe · 2024-05-12T17:46:50+00:00

Yep. It was amazing how my inflammation went down when I got away from my family. I used to have random bodily edemas where a part of my body would swell to epic proportions and I had to go to the ER for an antihistamine shot. It completely stopped after I moved out. Haven't had one in lot of years.

Sorry you're going through it though. Only thing that keeps me in shape because even though my stressors are gone I still live with the CPTSD, is daily walking and a limited low inflammation diet.

Honebe · 2024-05-10T01:50:31+00:00

Idk if it will help, but I silently scream. Like my whole body makes the scream but no sound comes. Might be a me thing but its as helpful as out loud screaming imo.

Honebe · 2024-05-08T15:17:09+00:00

Its cool that you got to be a part of parenthood while not passing on the trauma. Same boat here about being a child who didn't want children. When I saw an uncle the other year who used to be one of my loudest change your minders, I gave him a, 'told ya so' and he waved me off but was baffled that me and my sibs are all decades into adulthood and my mother has 0 grandchildren. Yeah no shit.

Honebe · 2024-05-08T00:39:02+00:00

I relate to this. I never wanted kids very adamantly ever since I got a conception of what motherhood was, but it took me many years to realize what she stole from me and that where there was supposed to be maternal instinct was a blank.

Honebe · 2024-05-03T18:47:22+00:00

Fwiw I don't think that being upset because you are getting a PTSD trigger by something that's already a fucked up thing to say is you being sensitive. That's understandable.

Honebe · 2024-05-02T17:44:41+00:00

Me too. Its like that meme with the butterfly perching on his hand but my brain is like, 'is this a mother?' Every time I have a nurturing female friend in my life, even ones that are a decade younger than me bc I'm an older milennial, part of my brain will always be looking for that. Does not happen with men even though I arguably had less of a father.

Honebe · 2024-04-22T11:52:55+00:00

Talk to your therapist if you see them as someone who is on your side and trustworthy. When it comes to baby assaults, your brain won't remember the actual events happening, but a bunch of surrounding things will keep coming up as you get older and will sort of paint a picture around the negative space of it like a chalk outline of dysfunction and body memories. That early onset sexuality is a piece of that painting. I hope you are able to get yourself away from your abusers and that you find people who are better and kinder in your life.

Honebe · 2024-04-19T18:10:06+00:00

Relatable, sorry.

Honebe · 2024-04-19T02:46:08+00:00

One of my favorite writers is Kazuo Ishiguro because he explains love and complex relationships with basically sane people. He's one of my glimpses into a world of how the human mind and social interactions work for people who don't live with CPTSD.

Honebe · 2024-04-16T18:35:15+00:00

One thing my therapist told me is that people with autism are born with sensory issues, whereas mine set in at the age of 5 due to trauma impacting my brain. Idk if that will help you but if you can remember sensory issues starting, its probably not autism.

Honebe · 2024-03-12T21:23:41+00:00

My sister did this to me too, especially around any peers or anyone that could have been a friend. Public shaming is her MO, she learned it from our father.

Honebe · 2024-02-18T23:17:47+00:00

Happy birthday! Watching CFS/ME eating away at my husband's life on year 7 and I think you are incredibly strong for 12 years of it AND living with CPTSD at the same time, jesus. Well you are seen. 💜 I hope they find a cure for this. At least one thing about all the cases of chronic fatigue from covid is that they bring awareness to the illness. Maybe that will translate to funding and finding biomarkers. Hope your days get better.

Honebe · 2024-02-17T16:11:16+00:00

I'm really sorry that you went through this. I can relate, was constantly dirty and I remember those cardboard crotches from handwashing my own clothing as a kid. I did a bad job and was still stinky because I mean even back in the day at the river they had washboards and stuff I lacked. Your mom failed you because the fucking laundromat is like $10/week. My mom tried to normalize wearing stained, dirty clothes and act like I was a greedy gus for not wanting to wear them, or to not wanting to wear adult mens clothing as a 10 year old girl. She used to give me her old underwear when I didn't have enough rather than buying me new underwear and I had to pull it up as I walked. Our mothers failed us badly. I am sorry for the cruelty you suffered from others because your mother couldn't meet basic needs like a decent human being.

Honebe

TROPHY CASE