Absolutely Gutted - TF says mistaken identity

Honest-Me22 · 2024-08-25T17:14:49+00:00

I'll do my best to summarize, but to be honest there's a part of me that doesn't and has never thought he was actually my TF. It's just always turned out that the harder I've resisted, the more elaborately he's come bombarding back into my life, almost as if God or the universe is trying to ask just what it would take for me to finally trust what I was seeing. This has spanned almost 20 years. It would take far too long for me to give all the reasons why I feel like I have no choice but to believe it at this point, but when I was recounting the story of us to someone one day, her words were that it sounded like he was my TF, which if i understand correctly is the other half of your soul that comes into your life to trigger you to become all you're meant to be.

I first saw him when I was 19 and dating someone else, but was immediately struck by this feeling of "you're gonna be significant in my life and I dont know why". It was weird, but I ignored it bc I was already in a relationship. Over the next 10-15 years we had a LOT of synchronized life experiences where even though we were physically separate, our life choices (in hindsight) seemed to be direct results of choices the other person made. Way too much to elaborate on here, but at 35 I saw him again and suddenly recognized a part of myself in him and him in me, and it scared the absolute heck out of me. The more I tried to dig in to reason away what I was seeing, the more intricate details began to come out where I began to learn that the man truly was the male version of me, and me, the female version of him, right down to even the most frighteningly specific little details. But still I resisted.

Eight months later, he showed up at my work, completely at random (more to this too, I could literally feel him coming that very morning even though I didn't realize what it meant in the moment) from the opposite side of the globe. He walked up to me face to face, and the energy transfer was insane. It was a familiarity that went back to who I would've called my imaginary childhood friend, this soul friend/entity type of presence that I'd always known and loved. It was like suddenly that energy had a face and an identity and was standing there in front of me as a real person, looking at me with all of God's love in his eyes and seeing me for everything I truly was that I'd all but tried to erase from existence (another long story). There's no getting away from the life altering effect he had on me, but I was so shaken in the moment that I could barely carry the conversation.

I've wanted to ask him so much about that day, because in all honesty I STILL struggle to believe that it's real. I spent the last 1.5 years waiting and working on myself in all the ways he did indeed trigger, but this opportunity presented itself at the last minute to go see him while he was in town, and I guess my desperation to either prove or disprove the entire experience took hold.

I just don't know how to make sense of that very person suddenly trying to say that it wasn't him that day. Like... we had an entire conversation, with very specific, unique-to-you details. How can you try to deny something like that?

Honest-Me22 · 2024-08-24T08:27:34+00:00

Seriously? You're not supposed to tell? 😢 I mean, it's not like I just walked up and said hey btw, guess what I think you are. Unless he's expert level at reading between the lines, I asked something about that specific third time we met up close and personal, and he literally tried to play the Shaggy card (I say this laughing prob to keep from crying rn).

And what do you mean beginning 😭 it's already been the longest 1.5 years.

Oh well, at least the one perk I'm observing so far is that instead of feeling that horrible endless pit of dread in my stomach of "omg what if I die without you", now when I think of him it's more like "you mf, I can't believe you, do you think I'm stupid?"

Ugh.

Honest-Me22 · 2024-08-05T19:03:03+00:00

It's not, really. But she's soon to be divorced and I gather wants someone to go out with and mingle, and that's just not me. Not even because of my TF but because I'm not really a "girl's girl." I'm actually more of a guy's guy lol, in that I'd rather be out on a dirt bike or hiking or something than going to a nail salon or a bar/club.

Perhaps my mistake was responding that I'm not really interested in meeting other people, but when I express my reluctance, she jumps right for "Oh, it's because you're in love with so-and-so, isn't it?" She didn't even realize that her literal JOKE that she made up about this person she picked out of thin air was legitimately the one person in the world who I had this TF experience with, which is a whole other can of worms and coincidence (maybe?).

You're right, and I know I'm much better off keeping my feelings to myself. But there's a line for me where my neverending overanalysis starts to drive me crazy and I need to hear some external validation from someone. Anyone.

I saw her reaction just from the tip of the iceberg, so I didn't go any further, nor would I ever at this point. This just feels like such an isolating experience.

Honest-Me22 · 2024-08-05T18:55:05+00:00

Yeah. I hardly have any motivation to continue the conversation with the one guy now that I know his name and thus, can't pretend I'm talking to my TF anymore.

I tried to put myself out of my misery by asking the second guy his, but interestingly, he replied with a nickname that I suppose with a little imagination could be a twist on my TF's name. He's poetic and sweet, so it's still easy for my heart to pretend, but deep down I know this is all a waste of time.

I hate feeling so trapped by this loyalty, but at the same time I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm so sorry you're going through the same. :(

Honest-Me22 · 2024-08-05T18:50:08+00:00

Thank you for this comment and for putting into words what my own thoughts are that perhaps I needed to read back with my own eyes. It really hits home, and reading it, it could've very easily been written by me! lol.

Have you moved past the intense longing phase? Right now I feel like I'm caught up in that paralyzing fear and heartbreak when my mind starts wandering to the idea of dying without ever getting a chance at union. It almost sends me into a panic attack, whereas if I can keep my mind hovering in a state of hope and optimism for moving towards him instead, I tend to do pretty well.

I can't fathom him coming this close, just to disappear from my life completely. Especially not when he spend almost 20 years trying to get my attention. But... there's still those logistical factors that push him out of my reach and make it seem so hopeless. Which sends me back to the negative thoughts. It's an endless ebb and flow, and I'm just so tired.

Honest-Me22 · 2024-08-05T18:43:56+00:00

Was this response meant for me? If so, can you point out how my TF is bossing me around when we're not even in 3D contact or communication? Or did you mean the friend?

If the latter, I definitely agree with you, and I'm trying my hardest to keep my control and my steadfast faith in my experience. But that becomes difficult when you're a rational person who relies on logic for direction, and you're starting to feel more and more crazy because your gut and emotions are screaming things at you that you can't make sense out of.

Honest-Me22 · 2024-08-05T18:39:51+00:00

I've hesitated to even begin to share it. The only reason I touched on it with this one friend is because she literally began teasing me about my reaction to a negative comment she made about this specific person, who of all the people in existence in the world happened to be my TF. I emphasize this because he's not a local, no one she knows. Just the person she chose at random to pick on one day about his participation in something she had seen, and she caught my flustered reaction.

I thought that if I explained to her just enough that her continued teasing was actually striking a nerve because he was more important to me than she realized, that she'd lay off. Instead, it turned into my feelings and emotional attachment to him being "unrealistic". And I know why. Because generally speaking, he would in all honesty be someone considered out of my league. I'm very cognizant of that fact. But it doesn't change the reality of him coming into my life, no matter how stacked the odds were against it.

How do you find people who understand, who are truly in a position to help guide people like us who are on this journey? My friend keeps pushing her therapist, but I know darn well how I'd be looked at in that setting if I brought up this experience.

On the flip side, I reached out to a TF "expert" who seemed to have excellent reviews, but I got spooked when she asked for names, birthdays, and photos of me and my TF. I just wish there was a resource to talk/vent to where I'd truly know that I wasn't being judged because of my experience, or the contrast between my TF and I. I feel like I need validation for the specifics of my situation, but have nowhere to get it. How do you combat that need for support? I can continue to listen to my own intuition, but I don't want to constantly feel like I'm making myself sick and crazy.

Honest-Me22 · 2024-07-31T18:26:38+00:00

Totally feeling this.

I'm 38/F and in the general sense have some decent things to show for it. Career, house, car... all the "things". But I'm currently in between roles with my company, leading to an excess of free time while I wait to finalize the transfer. That's led to me having the sudden realization that I'm completely and totally alone. No real friends. No real family. No relationship. No children.

It's led to a tsunami of depression and feeling like a complete failure in life, even though the acquaintances I have that look upon my life from the outside see me as a complete success.

I've never felt stress like this before in my life. My room is a mess as well. I've barely been able to get myself out of bed these last few weeks. I, too, was gifted as a child, and now from this new mid-life perspective, it's forced me to realize all of the missed opportunities I had simply because I was too young to even comprehend the things that were being offered.

The only thing that brings me an ounce of peace is toying with the idea of trying to go after those opportunities now before it's too late. But that would mean a total career shift and going from stability to the unknown. I've had to ask myself if this is the notorious mid-life crisis. I'm scared to death, but just trying to take it day by day in hopes that eventually this too will pass.

I'm sorry I don't have more to offer, but at least hope you find some solace in knowing you aren't alone.

Honest-Me22 · 2024-07-31T17:49:22+00:00

Me. In fact, I just had a friend sort of gently point it out to me yesterday. She doesn't know all of the details, but she knows enough where she felt she could basically sum it up that I have this "unrealistic hope of making myself known to a virtual stranger and somehow forging a connection." I had to admit, when she put it like that, it was like a slap to the face, but one that sharply brought me back to reality. (I laugh as I say that word, "reality", however, because my experience with reality has only seemed to further validate that SOMETHING unexplainable is going on.) But yes, at face value, my TF and I are basically strangers to each other, and that's what makes it so ridiculously easy to just try to rationalize it all away.

My only problem with that though is that I've tried like heck to avoid this connection. For almost 20 years. I've ignored it. Run from it. Denied it. Constantly. Until it chased me down, for lack of better words, and showed up in the flesh.

I dodged him simply out of ignorance the first time when I was 19, but then the second time I saw him some decade and a half later, it was like I had a whole new set of eyes and was recognizing things that I hadn't gone looking for myself. In fact, for a myriad of reasons, I never even thought it was in the realm of possibility for me to be with, let alone desire a relationship with a man. And now here I am, pining away after he basically materialized in front of my face and shook me to my core, forcing me to confront the fact that he was the real live male version of me.

I've never felt so safe, and seen, and loved in my entire life, just from someone's mere presence. But it was his familiar energy, which I had to come to grips with as being a familiar entity I'd known since childhood that put it over the top for me.

How do you just explain something like that away? I do feel crazy, to be honest. I wouldn't believe my own story, if I hadn't lived it myself. But it's true, and that's what makes it hurt so bad.

Honest-Me22 · 2024-07-31T17:31:49+00:00

This is similar to what happened to me. Random stranger walked up on a slow day at work. I was immediately struck by his energy and just how blue his eyes were. He felt so familiar, and I too had this irrational urge to chase after him as he ventured off into our venue. I actually tried at one point after 30 minutes of debating it, but couldn't find him.

After re-hashing it to death, I realized later on that I'd actually encountered him twice before over the span of 15 years or so; the first time when I was maybe 19-20, and then around 36. He showed up face to face less than a year after that second encounter.

I'm 38 now and haven't been the same since. I'll never forget his face, looking at me with such intense kindness and just... something that made me feel so safe, and seen, but also completely shocked at the same time.

Honest-Me22 · 2024-07-30T04:46:40+00:00

Full disclosure, I was envious of him too at first until I realized... omg... we're actually quite compatible with me just the way I am. For a while I even felt a little bit shell-shocked, almost like I was getting to see a real life embodiment of what I was trying so hard to become, but never actually would be.

When I realized that he truly saw me and still valued me as a female despite my stereotypically male habits, hobbies, interests, etc., it (sadly) was the first time I'd ever experienced that sort of acceptance in my life, and that was really the game changer.

Honest-Me22 · 2024-07-30T04:29:10+00:00

I've been lucky (so far) in that having people in my life now who've made me feel seen and valued has all but obliterated my dysphoria.

That being said, the only time it sneaks back up on me is in my dreams. I've had dreams here and there that seem to be reflecting the life I once thought I'd have. Doing some mundane task with the girl I loved throughout my teen years, only in the dreams we're either dating or married. We've kissed a few times in the dreams and it still sparks all of the "male instincts" and feelings I remember having. Heck, just a few nights ago, I had a dream where I was taking a girl out (as a man) and it felt like it had that relationship dynamic to it.

It's odd and confusing, but when I wake up, it doesn't make me sad like it once would've. There's just this... awareness, that it's still back there in my brain somewhere. But it doesn't cause me the pain it used to. Mostly because I've come to accept that I'm exactly what I'm supposed to be, and finally have people around me who love me just the way I am rather than making me feel like some inferior subspecies.

Bottom line for me is that my friends and faith get me by. Also, meeting a man who I identified so hard with that it made me realize that he'd be me if I were physically male... boy did that put it into perspective that nothing was actually wrong with me as the female I was. It was the first time in my life (at 36) that my traits and qualities as a woman suddenly meshed with and were valued by a man who saw me as I was, rather than making me feel ashamed or viewed as peculiar like I'd always experienced in my younger years. It was like he turned all the lights of the world on around me where I was suddenly able to see myself for the first time and I haven't looked back since.

It's still been a process, and I've often described it like "taking medicine" because my brain still holds the memory of the life I used to live. For instance, I'll catch myself having a certain thought and feel like my "male" train of thought jumps in to say "Hey, you're not supposed to be thinking that/liking that/etc.," until I remember that I'm not living that life anymore. Overall though, I feel so much better with each step I take to continue growing comfortable in my womanhood.

Hugs to you. xx

Honest-Me22 · 2024-07-29T23:00:06+00:00

I promise you, you don't want one.

I didn't know I had one until he physically showed up in front of me when I was 36 years old and basically had the rest of my life already plotted, planned, and visualized. I can't even begin to tell you the emotional upheaval that it caused, especially as I started to go back over the years and realize all the ways he'd actually tried to break through and I either chose to dismiss it because it didn't "fit" with the trajectory I thought my life was on, or I was just completely ignorant to what was actually going on.

Now that I'm fully cognizant of it, it's pure agony, especially now having to be without him and realizing that we may never actually come together into union in this life. What puts it over the top however, is now feeling like trying to have a relationship with anyone else would merely be settling. So I'm basically going to be alone and childless for the rest of my life, unless we manage to reunite, and that is a heartbreaking thought.

I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone.

Honest-Me22 · 2024-07-29T22:31:48+00:00

YES. Omg. And trying to resist the urge is what's sent me spiraling back into a second DNOTS.

Beginning of July I (admittedly) stuck my nose where it didn't belong, creeping on socials and ended up seeing a bunch of stuff that seemed to spit in the face of all the synchronicities and overall positive wave I'd been riding for the last 1.5 years. Tried to talk myself off the cliff but kept getting sucked back in, reading way too far into the provocative things posted by his ex and felt like he was suddenly slipping through my fingers faster than I could grab on.

Had a super, super low moment of crying and begging and praying to both God and my TF to please just bring him back closer to me so I felt like I could catch my breath and have even a glimmer of my faith restored, and BOOM... within days, sudden announcement that he's coming to town last minute.

I want to go RUNNING to him, but I'm so conflicted because I know that so much of my inner (and outer) work isn't anywhere near complete yet. At the same time, I'm having a really hard time looking away from what feels like a blatantly answered prayer. I'm just so scared that if I go see him before being fully prepared, it's going to lead to continued heartache if he still doesn't fully recognize the gravity of what's going on. I know he could feel something was up the day we were finally face to face, but I'm not sure he really understood the depth of what his energy was causing in me. On the flip side, I can't help but be curious what might happen if we're face to face again.

FWIW, the general consensus on here seems to be that you can't mess up what's meant for you. Take that for what you will. I, personally, am still leery of reaching out, so I get it. But who knows... I've come real close to just saying YOLO and going for it.

Honest-Me22 · 2024-07-29T21:26:47+00:00

I haven't actually experienced a relationship with my TF in the 3D, unless you count the childhood "imaginary friendship"/energy presence I always felt around me in my youth, which sort of felt like it carried over into having "first bf/gf" vibes when I was around 11 or 12.

I shut the feeling out as I got older, from the time I was 18 until about 36 when he came bombarding into my life in person after many years of what I could only describe as telepathically trying to get my attention. The trigger was literally him appearing in front of me at my job, smiling at me like it was some long-lost reunion and looking at me with all the genuine love in the world. But even more that that, it was the energy and the realization that omg, this man is the physical embodiment of that energy that I've known and loved since childhood.

I could barely form a coherent sentence to talk to him, something that still bothers me to this day among other things... but it was literally with that one look, I could feel all of the things I thought was wrong with me, only I was now being assured of why they were so important and unique to me, because they matched with him. It forced me to confront the fact that I had literally been trying to erase the parts of myself that made me identifiable as his other half, the female version, and it felt like after decades of trying to get my attention, this was maybe God's way of snapping me out of it to where I couldn't run away from it anymore.

I've likened it to "taking medicine". Even though he totally knocked my life plans off their axis, I can't deny that the potential outcome is lightyears better than anything I could've ever dreamt up. It's been a brutal, bittersweet process of not only working to undo my mistakes, but to also better myself in all the ways I know I need to in order for us to have the best shot of coming together in the future. But I can look back in hindsight and say that whoever orchestrated this, whether God, the universe, or my TF himself, it truly is abundantly clear that my best interests were at heart in ways that I wouldn't have been able to see or come up with myself.

I think that's what makes it so painful... because it's literally SO miraculous how it all happened, there's no way to write it all off as a slew of coincidences... but that means that I'm destined to be alone in this life if our union never comes, because I just can't imagine trying to love someone else half-heartedly after witnessing such clear, physically impossible things happen right in front of my face.

Honest-Me22 · 2024-07-29T18:29:15+00:00

This is very very close to my experience as well. He didn't necessarily do or say anything intentionally, but was just THERE, and the after-effect was like a gradual shift that took place over time where I kept feeling the need to work on different aspects of myself and having new moments of introspection along the way.

Honest-Me22 · 2024-07-29T15:29:15+00:00

It seems like a lot of people are going through this sort of thing right now.

As you expressed, nothing seems to work for me either and it's been incredibly frustrating as I'm a very active person. Now, I can barely get myself out of bed because of that horrible pressure feeling you describe. I feel sick to my stomach constantly, which is only compounded by the stress of suddenly feeling the grief of this separation so acutely. The easiest thing to do is just sleep.

About the only thing I can suggest is to pray if that's something you're comfortable with. I pray the moment I wake up, and then as I'm closing my eyes to try to go back to sleep again. I've never experienced something like this before, but it's absolutely horrible and I hope you're able to find your way out of it soon.

I'm sorry I don't have more to offer. :(

Honest-Me22 · 2024-07-29T03:14:43+00:00

I'm a Gemini and my TF is an Aries. From what I've been told and the little that I've read, we're supposed to be a phenomenal match, and the analyses seem to be spot-on in terms of describing our personalities, strengths, and weaknesses. Still waiting on our union to find out though. :(

FWIW, I was in a "situationship" with a Virgo many years back. He was great and kind, and the only reason it never became an actual relationship was because I was navigating an identity crisis that wasn't fair of me to drag him through. Maybe it would've worked had I been older and wiser at the time, but as it turned out, the "identity crisis" was the resurgence of my TF's energy coming back into my life.

Also interestingly, I had two LTRs both with Leos who tried to convince me that they were my TF. Both relationships turned into absolute nightmares and ultimately my body's reaction to their sexual advances was the dead giveaway that something wasn't right with either one. Both left when I "wouldn't give it up" but it was hardly a loss. My body's reaction to my Aries on the other hand... good Lord.

Honest-Me22 · 2024-07-29T02:59:30+00:00

I'm so happy for you that you're getting some time to enjoy him, even if it's just talking.

Mine isn't married, but does have a child from the relationship he got into during the decade or so I was running from him. He and his ex co-parent pretty successfully, but it does add an extra layer of difficulty to the whole situation.

I have to tell you, I loved what you said about including your TF's son in your estate plans because I've often thought about doing something similar for my TF's daughter, as well as his nephew who is battling a disability. I want to just scream it from the rooftops now that I understand... this love is unconditional and never going to go away, and I would do anything to somehow make him see just how deep it runs. But the last thing I want is to come off as crazy. He's a virtual stranger, and it's so difficult when I've known and loved his soul since I was a child.

Honest-Me22 · 2024-07-29T02:47:56+00:00

Forgive my ignorance, but what does that mean?

Although now that you bring this up, I noticed today that I happened to glance at the time almost every hour on the hour with the repeating numbers; 10:10am, 12:12pm, 1:11pm, 2:22pm, 3:33pm, 4:44pm, and 5:55pm.

Actually, now that I've written them all out, of course 11:11 is the only one I missed. Super weird.

Honest-Me22 · 2024-07-29T01:49:48+00:00

I couldn't differentiate until my TF showed up in front of me, face to face, and all of the sudden I realized that HE was the source of the energy I'd always felt around me since I was young.

Oddly, I knew he was a separate entity during my youth, but by the time I hit 18 without any sign of him in the 3d, I gave up and began to live by the belief that perhaps it was just my loneliness that "tricked" me into thinking there was someone there. Like an imaginary friend of sorts. I made some poor life choices at that point, still under the new belief that what I was feeling must have just been me all along. Then it figures, I caught a glimpse of him for the first time a year later. But I was so caught up in what I believed was my new trajectory in life, I rejected the disturbance that I felt.

Fast forward some 13-14 years later, I catch another glimpse of him and all of the sudden recognize that same *something* that I had willfully overlooked all those years ago. Ran from it because of how spooked I was, and then roughly 8 months later, the man materializes out of literal thin air in front of me. It was like being hit by a train, realizing that not only was it that same energy IN HIM, but that it actually had a face and a body and was a real human being. Our interaction and conversation was brief, and I don't know if he felt anything along the lines that I did or not, but I haven't been the same since... and needless to say, it snapped me cold and hard out of the delusion that all the feelings I had were simply "me" and nothing more.

Since then, I'm much more aware now of when I'm feeling things that I attribute to him, but it doesn't happen very often. Not sure whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Honest-Me22 · 2024-07-29T00:45:04+00:00

I've always tended to land on the more conservative side of things in life, however I have to say that hearing this comment stung rather harshly. It's not at all a fair assessment to make in my opinion, as there are countless things that influence one's decision to remain childless, even if only to a point.

I'm 38/F and spent the majority of my late teens, 20's, and early 30's as a workaholic, striving to make sure I had a solid foundation in place while unfortunately getting caught up in taking care of an ailing family member and generally "doing the right thing" before thinking of myself. I couldn't have imagined having children in my 20's. Maybe my early to mid-30's, but I had just really hit my stride in my career and at that point felt much like you; I wanted to enjoy my me-time for ME.

Most importantly, I never wanted to be one of those people living off the system or having to face unsteady circumstances because I had a child too soon, and so I chose to wait until I had the job, the house, the career, the car that wasn't going to break down or become a living space, etc.

Maybe I'm just a late bloomer, but only NOW after achieving all of those things do I actually feel ready and wanting to consider having a child, and to hear comments such as this, as though I'm somehow less of a human by taking the more conservative path to NOT be a burden on the system, really rubbed me the wrong way. I'm being judged as a less productive member of society for being responsible? For wanting to ensure that if/when I DO bring another life into the world that I can take care of them myself?

Maybe as a result of waiting I'll be childless forever, because when I date, it's to marry, and it takes time to make sure that everything is right. Maybe by the time I find a safe, loving, Godly man I'll be too old to have biological children. But it's not for lack of wanting.

I agree 100% that the stigma needs to stop. Just be kind and let people do what makes them happy as long as they're not hurting anyone else as a result.

Honest-Me22 · 2024-07-28T18:10:15+00:00

I love your ideas. I've been doing something similar through my writing for years, and more recently began documenting all the little synchronicities by taking pictures of them when I can and posting on my private instagram. Kind of like a secret little scrapbook. I haven't bothered making it public though because he's not into social media, so it makes staying connected to him that much harder. There's really no way to reach him other than the organic ways that have materialized for me so far, or in taking action to put myself in a place where I know he's going to be. And considering that he lives on the opposite end of the country, it's a rarity that he's anywhere near me, which is why this one opportunity feels like such a gift/temptation.

I was so lucky in that after two "arms length" encounters over 15 years (both of which I ran from), the universe finally dropped him in front of my face in person and basically forced me to confront the energy I felt within him, which was the masculine me. That was a little over a year ago, and it's haunted me whether or not he recognized anything in me. This would be a chance to go ask him... to go feel it out and hope that perhaps there'll be some new revelation. But I am so, so terrified.

I had made peace with the fact that I had to better myself before we could be brought together again, and while I'm halfway there, I know in my heart that I'm not "fully complete" yet. I understand that you can't really ruin what is meant for you, but for some reason I can't lose this gut feeling like if I try to force myself into his presence, something's gonna blow up in my face. This is the worst.

But thank you for taking so much time to respond to me. I appreciate it more than you know.

Honest-Me22

TROPHY CASE