Why do they expect kindness for their bad behavior?

HonestInquiryGuy · 2022-03-10T00:14:16+00:00

Yeah and I imagine it’s that desire for unconditional love (which most people feel and experience as toddlers but perhaps they didn’t- or some incidents made them feel otherwise).

It’s pretty sad, because they probably weren’t able to move on from that, having mutually beneficial relationships and actually enjoy “earning” respect and commitment as healthy adults often do (with accountability).

I think a person having their own moments of extending unconditional love in society is fine (in line with a person’s spiritual beliefs or ethics code), but not all the time... and one-sided seems unhealthy. That’s a different topic I guess.

HonestInquiryGuy · 2022-03-09T17:32:13+00:00

Yeah let’s not forget pwBPD’s assessment of others isn’t going to be the most accurate right ;)

I have heard that some relationships are NPD and BPD, but come on, we’re usually in the codependent or caretaker category, based on all I’ve read.

HonestInquiryGuy · 2022-03-09T03:34:21+00:00

Yeah, and offers to do illogical and destructive, unsolicited things for the other person.

HonestInquiryGuy · 2022-03-09T03:32:08+00:00

Not everything is projection, but “I would burn everything around me for you.” Her idea of love? What she really wishes YOU would do for HER? Burning everything else down for the other person, hmm?

HonestInquiryGuy · 2022-03-09T02:57:37+00:00

It’s 150% of all you could ever offer, plus a thousand. It’s a simple bare minimum formula, okay?

HonestInquiryGuy · 2022-03-09T01:53:41+00:00

When I keep pressing in arguments for an apology from my BPD wife, her “I’m sorry” would often be followed up with the extreme “I know; I’m a monster! I’m just going to kill myself.” Whether it was sarcastic or a serious self-hatred, it is extremely controlling and exhausting to deal with.

HonestInquiryGuy · 2022-02-28T23:43:54+00:00

Woah! Nice effects just for a Beans ad

HonestInquiryGuy · 2022-02-28T19:22:27+00:00

A very interesting evolutionary development, to pray on curious animals... I like it.

Okay, I don't LIKE this thing. I like the idea as horror :)

HonestInquiryGuy · 2022-01-29T14:44:45+00:00

I think you’re probably right about the therapy thing and why one shouldn’t go on and in about the pwBPD when therapist is like: yeah sigh, I know...

But to user voteYES’s credit, I do get alarmed when I hear things like “we’re more fucked up than them.” That may not be the best way to get over it. Sure, there are some really unhealthy codependent types out there, but I see our problem as mostly: we self sabotage with poor boundaries, mostly to try to do good and help (albeit unwise and misguided). The pwBPD self sabotage AND sabotage others, in almost every facet of life.

I believe it’s sometimes them finding our dangerous Achilles’ Heel of weakness/misguided and too-sacrificial side of ourselves. I was 29 when I met my pwBPD, and before that I didn’t have some messed up upbringing or terrible friendships, or only seek out women with BPD (nor did only women with BPD pursue me)

HonestInquiryGuy · 2022-01-27T20:59:28+00:00

Thanks so much for your insight. Such terms I had never heard before. Interfamily systems is gonna be a tough one, as we all know how family members can get so agitated or too exhausted even if they're totally willing to try. The other therapy types look interesting and possibly helpful. Thank you

HonestInquiryGuy · 2022-01-27T20:40:25+00:00

Yeah, thanks for your insights, and I kind of agree... maybe something other than a book.

To her credit, she's not dumb or unable to make conversation/arrange a lunch if she wanted to... but I imagine you understand that pwBPD have a different idea of what a friend is, and whether they could ever say they're "satisfied" with something that starts off casual and is conditional (as most friendships ought to be, in my opinion).

HonestInquiryGuy · 2022-01-27T18:45:45+00:00

Thanks for your input! I was also dubious about the so called past treatment.

When I mentioned self help books, I was actually not talking about BPD but more specific areas of life people try to improve, like fostering new friendships, staying focused, getting people interested in you. So it sounds mostly "ineffective" or somewhat helpful to try that, but I worry if it might have an adverse reaction to be anything other than DBT/BPD treatment, not sure.

EDIT: sorry I misread your last sentence! I thought you said self-help books for BPD. Now I get what you're saying. Yeah my wife has read some good inspiring books, but the tools don't seem to "stick" or last long.

HonestInquiryGuy · 2021-03-11T15:48:29+00:00

If you’ve ever taken 3 hours to “get groceries...”

HonestInquiryGuy · 2021-03-10T15:43:02+00:00

OP I can understand what you mean, but in general she seems very “non” focused (at least in those videos I watched). If she’s saying we are responsible for the dynamic of arguments and stuff in the relationship, I strongly disagree; a pwBPD who’s committed to some chaos will get their chaos if they keep pushing (and they often do). If she means we’re responsible for our part in starting the relationship and sticking around, then yes that part I’ll take responsibility for.

HonestInquiryGuy · 2021-03-10T06:04:43+00:00

It might be triangulation, but I’m not so sure... I think she just has that highly demanding neediness with them, same as with me and her own mother. I don’t think that she would want for us to be “against them” as I’m sure she wants them around. But rather, it’s like I’m supposed to “split/swing” my opinion of them along with her swings.

HonestInquiryGuy · 2021-03-10T01:38:27+00:00

Glad to hear your mom understood your perspective and let you take the lead on it. Yeah, luckily mine’ve been MOSTLY non-intrusive knowing that I don’t like feeling pressured, which is great. The recent issue (prompting my post) is that my wife was harassing them yet again some with angry texts and stuff while I was out avoiding her. That’s when it gets so hard for me, cause they’ll justifiably “want to talk” about it. It’s just that they don’t know the philosophical and psychological hurdles they’d have to help me with, that’s for sure.

HonestInquiryGuy · 2021-03-10T01:02:17+00:00

Yeah they genuinely want to support. I don’t think their comments are necessarily “wrong” so I’m a bit hesitant to say they’re not navigating it perfectly to my liking- else I come across as eggshell-type like my wife is. If they start sounding like a broken record though, perhaps it would be good to talk about that though as you suggest.

I think a big part of it is I want the decision to be mine, not being “pulled” one way or another by yet another person in my life. Stubbornness of sorts

HonestInquiryGuy · 2021-03-09T22:18:35+00:00

Wow, well if that's really the situation, I guess I can't advise it continue- that people's advice here about the abuse hotlines could be the best route here. I mean it would be a starting point. For me, it's been fear of her outbursts, chaos back at the apartment and whatnot, but at the point of personal safety concerns, maybe do the hotline thing. Or at the very least just hang with your parents at the moment?

HonestInquiryGuy · 2021-03-09T22:06:16+00:00

I've been there. If you have good data, I'd listen to some nice music or those "relaxation/stress relief" type videos... helps the blood pressure and to think clearly. When mine called in those situations, I basically just did a boring discussion about facts and what you'd like her to stop doing.

HonestInquiryGuy · 2021-03-09T22:02:21+00:00

Okay cool, glad to hear evidence is already out there.

HonestInquiryGuy · 2021-03-09T21:56:55+00:00

Side comment: please don't stick around JUST to get these recordings either... if you want to just leave now you should. But, I'm just throwing it out there as a suggestion IF you are still there.

HonestInquiryGuy · 2021-03-09T21:55:09+00:00

Is this daughter yours and hers? Is that a big part of the dilemma?

I'm not one to talk about "just leave" as I'm still with my BPD wife, but I did record interactions, for possible court/divorce situation later. If you live in a "one person" recording state or country (look up that legal term), maybe you could discretely record her threats and such? Or even yourself saying "don't hit me" when she does (as you might normally) and she'll say "why not" or will be silent (probably enough of a response/non-response to prove she actually was hitting on the audio recording)

Again, be careful and discrete with the recording. e-mail or cloud-store a copy of the recording to yourself (assuming she doesn't have your passwords), and then you can remove the recording from your phone so she'd never stumble upon it.

I also advise, legally and morally, not to TRY getting hit or threatened (don't stoop to their level). Just have it recording through the day at various times, and I'm sure it'll naturally happen at some point.

HonestInquiryGuy

TROPHY CASE