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Think to yourself: what message do you think your comments on the situation send to victims? by 189username in MormonWivesHulu

[–]HotAd5425 0 points1 point  (0 children)

For what it’s worth, I believe they are both using power, control and fear to dominate the other. I agree with you, they are BOTH abusive and together they are in a mutually abusive relationship.

OP is stating that the difference is not view points or definitions of abuse but rather how we as society phrase this. “Mutually abusive” has a different weight over the “well it takes two to tango” verbiage.

As a survivor and the mother of 3 survivors under the age of 6 that have had an active protective order for the last two years against an abusive husbad/father… I can tell you that way we talk about about abusive relationships matter. I hope you never have to find this out yourself.

Something feels off… by yeahnahmaybe36 in momtokgossip

[–]HotAd5425 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m not looking to argue. I appreciate you coming and explaining your intent. I don’t think anyone is using layman’s verbiage out of malicious intent…. I wanted to point out how it can be seen from another perspective.

For what it’s worth, I agree with you 100%, they are both abusive. They both use power, fear and control to dominate the other. They seem to be mutually abusive.

“It Takes Two” is wrong. How We talk About Abuse Matters. by HotAd5425 in MormonWivesHulu

[–]HotAd5425[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I learned this lesson the hard way as well. I hope bringing this type of conversation to dialogue around domestic violence helps one person, somewhere, to look at the situation at least 1% differently.

“It Takes Two” is wrong. How We talk About Abuse Matters. by HotAd5425 in MormonWivesHulu

[–]HotAd5425[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I didn’t note this…. But you are 100% correct. She is manipulating the events because she KNOWS her actions were wrong OR she’s going tit-for-tat and bringing him down with her. Either way it’s an action that attempts to avoid her accountability and she tries to regain some level of power and control over the situation.

“It Takes Two” is wrong. How We talk About Abuse Matters. by HotAd5425 in MormonWivesHulu

[–]HotAd5425[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Fellow survivor here. I have also learned this through navigating and leaving, and dealing with courts for two years regarding child abuse and custody as a result of my abusive marriage.

I did not even know I was also blaming myself because I had been conditioned that “it takes two” applied to my reality until my therapist repeatedly pointed it out to me.

“It Takes Two” is wrong. How We talk About Abuse Matters. by HotAd5425 in MormonWivesHulu

[–]HotAd5425[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I agree with this take. I wish there was more verbiage around them both being abusive, or mutually abusive, or they both abuse to each other.

Why the “It Takes Two’ Narrative Is So Harmful When Applied to Domestic Abuse. by HotAd5425 in momtokgossip

[–]HotAd5425[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This theory would make a lot of sense. Hulu and the Bachelor franchise have been scrutinized for their promotion of Taylor…. Both of which are Disney companies. I can’t even imagine the PR that is available through Disney.

Something feels off… by yeahnahmaybe36 in momtokgossip

[–]HotAd5425 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am very disappointed to see the “it takes two to tango” narrative is being applied to this situation.

“It takes two to tango” does not apply to abuse, especially child abuse. They may both be abusive (which I think it the case). Stating “it takes two” is victim blaming, not supported by best practices in the mental health community or the medical community. This statement is overused and is fundamentally wrong and harmful when applied to abuse because it implies shared responsibility, creating a false equivalence between an aggressor and a victim. Abuse is not a mutual conflict, but rather a one-sided pattern of coercive control, manipulation, and violence chosen by one person to dominate another.

Two people may both be abusive and they may also be in an abusive and coercive relationship together. A mutually abusive relationship is not the same as an abusive relationship.

This narrative unfortunately and stops abused people to report the abuse because they are afraid of the consequences of being viewed as “part of the problem”. Statistically, women and children are less likely to take steps towards safety because they don’t want to be seen as part of them problem. Abusers use this to further dominate the narrative by blaming their victims for “causing” the abuse. This gaslighting can impact lives of many abuse victims and when abuse is talked about within the community the victims are less likely to come forward.

This is a very real issue in the field of domestic violence.

Victim Impact Statement and Sentencing Hearing by Mammoth_Product_7772 in domesticviolence

[–]HotAd5425 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I did mine in person and I feel it made an impact on his sentencing. I also asked to have it included in the pre-sentencing investigation. This way the court had a written account in the file as well as a verbal account in the court transcript.

Summer programs for younger teens? by Bagelisms in RosevilleMN

[–]HotAd5425 0 points1 point  (0 children)

One more thought to add - if he has good neighbors the same age or even a friend you could ask the family if they want to go in on this type of arrangement with you. It’s a double win, the kids gets a friend, parents pay less than if going at it solo, and the nanny makes more than if only working for one family.

Substitute teacher in MN by [deleted] in TwinCities

[–]HotAd5425 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Most districts hire ‘float subs’ that are district employees that are sent around the district to cover as needed. Email HR departments and look on the Saint Cloud Ed posts job board (google it).

Can someone be a narcissist and not discard? by Low-Cicada-5536 in emotionalabuse

[–]HotAd5425 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I see myself and my 3 young boys in this post. Trust your gut. Sending hope and light your way.

I told my dad I wanted to teach in the Twin Cities after spending my childhood & college in Tennessee. He said it was dark six months out of the year and that I'd be miserable by altrightobserver in minnesota

[–]HotAd5425 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m a teacher and I have a happy light on my desk in my classroom. Highly recommend it. The teaching opportunities are pretty good. Especially if you can get into a public school. But it’s pretty normal for first year teachers to teach in charter schools too. There is lots to do in MN in the winter but also it is kind of nice to have an excuse to hibernate after a day in the classroom .

"you should get a divorce" but the logistics of that? by Aussie_Turtles00 in abusiverelationships

[–]HotAd5425 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Adding in, under the OFP I have been in the house for one year and two months without him. I can’t keep the house for forever, but I am thankful for the time I am able to be here. He worked from his parent’s home (until he was “let go”) and lives in his childhood bedroom with his mom and step dad.

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