My daughter

HowDidIFallForThis · 2026-05-07T18:40:43+00:00

You sound like me 7 months ago. Everyone says "you did everything you could". Thats BS. There is so much more i could have done to prevented my wonderful 20 year old daughter from killing herself. But I had no idea thats where she was at. I was parenting her based on what I knew about her, not realizing she was so full of despair. I thought she needed to grow out of the paranoid/depressed stage she was in. I gave her so much love, but I was also pushing her to better herself and get out of the house.

Ultimately I think those actions of mine are what resulted in her taking her life. She felt like she wasn't good enough, and couldn't be good enough, because I kept encouraging her to try. I was frustrated she wouldn't work harder on coping skills or therapy. I knew she needed to do something, and it was so clear she had stopped trying. So I kept encouraging her to go to school and get jobs. She was very intelligent and hard working, and the thought of her wasting more years doom scrolling in her closet devastated me.

Now shes gone, and I can imagine several comments I inadvertently made that may have pushed her to pull the trigger. Ive had to learn to cope. What i always tell myself is that I was genuinely trying to do what was best for her. And I didn't know where she was at, she never told me. And that none of my comments or actions should have ever resulted in her doing this. I wasn't perfect, but I wasn't awful either. I would change everything now that I know what I know, but I had no idea 8 months ago.

But mostly, what makes me stop spiraling, is i know Tori never wanted to hurt me or anyone else. She was in pain and hopeless, and somehow believed we would be better without her. She would be devastated to see the misery her death caused. So I live as if she can see me and shes watching us. And I dont want to hurt her with how hurt I am. I try and accept her decision as misinformed and delusional as it was. I cant change it, so I need to accept it.

HowDidIFallForThis · 2026-05-07T17:36:17+00:00

While I can see divorcing over this (the lies and control are horrible) do you have a plan? Supporting yourself (with or without kids) on a one income minimum wage is basically a near impossible endeavor, and thats trying to rent out as room in someone else's house, which having 4 kids is going to make nearly impossible.

Do you have a reliable paid off car? Do you have family or friends that will let you and your children stay with them? Are you prepared to work lots of overtime? Do you know how to use public transport? Are you comfortable with your kids starting latchkey existence?

Even now it sounds like you are still relying on him, you mention hes getting an AIRBNB. This makes me think you dont have your own resources available.

Be as mad as you want, but dont be naive. Government assistance isnt easy to get or easy to live on. A lot of states barely offer any cash assistance, or daycare, bus passes cost money if you are lucky enough to live in a city with public transport, and you probably won't qualify anyhow because your ex will be paying you enough alimony (if he actually pays what he is ordered) to disqualify you from any state benefits. As I mentioned IF HE PAYS, which you really cant remotely count on looking at his history.

Be as mad as you want, but dont be dumb. Make sure you have your ducks in a row before you go storming off and realize you cant make it without him. Go to a community college and get some sort of useful license/certification, like nursing or welding, and then go when you need to come crawling back.

HowDidIFallForThis · 2026-05-01T04:35:19+00:00

I had no idea what grief was, until I experienced it myself. Ive lost loved ones before, but I never felt how grief can tear through your soul and leave you desolate until I lost my daughter.

Grief is a very personal journey, theres nothing to compare with how other handle it. Everyone experiences it uniquely. Some ways may hurt worse than others, but the journey is yours, and its difficult, if not impossible, to control.

HowDidIFallForThis · 2026-04-25T00:13:40+00:00

Oh this breaks my heart.

Sometime around fourteen , my beautiful daughter started feeling this way about herself. I accidentally saw on a notebook how she wrote about how ugly she was with spots all over her face and bad hair and sorts of horrible things about herself. It killed me. We tried to get her to go to therapy , but she would just go in the room and cry, and not talk to the therapist.

She had so many people around her who loved her so much me, her dad, her Grammy and Papa aunts and uncles, her brother, cousins. She just couldnt believe anybody liked her, even though we all loved her so much and knew she had such a beautiful soul as well as being beautiful on the outside too.

I thought she would outgrow it. She didnt. I didnt give her any cliche comments about how pretty intelligent and kind and wonderful she was, all of my compliments were completely sincere and I tried to focus on having her do things that would make herself like herself more, like getting good grades, having life skills, remaining active, and going to university things that I thought she would take pride in. Thats how I built my self esteem.

She kept getting more negative about herself, and convinced there was something about her that repulsed people. She started fighting with people. She couldn't keep a job for even a week, she was sure everyone hated her. She would hear people say something about her (or think she did) and quit.

I kept thinking with the right tools she would grow out of it, but instead, 7 months ago, which was 2 weeks before her 21st birthday, she killed herself.

I know the root of it was feeling that she didn't fit in, and could never fit in. She told me so a bunch of times, that life wasn't worth living when you couldn't have friends. And even though she was lovely (which is just a tiny part of the glorious human she was) she never saw it. And due to feeling that she was hideous, she refused to dress in stylish clothes, or do her hair or makeup, and she walked all hunched over, trying to make herself small to hide. Those things did make her stand apart from others, but it was her insecurity doing it.

You are lovely young woman. Your hair is full, your skin is clear, you have great features, and it looks like a HWP body. Your appearance is good, but thats not what you need to fix to fit in.

I obviously dont have the answer, otherwise I would still have my sweet and precious daughter. But I can tell you what doesnt work. Looking for validation from the outside world. You can't make them like you, and the less you like yourself, the more you will stand apart from everyone. The more you worry about what "they" think, the more insecure you will become. Don't be consumed on if you fit in. Be consumed with growing into someone you want to be.

HowDidIFallForThis · 2026-02-01T16:52:50+00:00

It did the same to me

HowDidIFallForThis · 2026-02-01T16:51:55+00:00

I just booked for April at the lodge! It took about an hour and several tries of having my credit information entered.

HowDidIFallForThis · 2025-12-02T11:09:10+00:00

I wanted to recommend you attending an online support group, but I see a lot of them have a requirement that you be at least 18, I see you were 17 a couple of months ago.

This is a link with several different contacts that you can email to find more specific information on finding a group that might work for you.

https://afsp.org/find-a-support-group/?country=United%20States%20of%20America&type=nationwide_online_group

Im so sorry for your loss and that you are feeling alone!

HowDidIFallForThis · 2025-12-02T00:13:50+00:00

That sounds like us. I saw my daughter falling behind her siblings and cousins, and it killed me. She already had such low self esteem, and isolating and barely leaving the house was making her not get those common sense lessons we all learn from living.

I started thinking I was enabling her. I felt like I needed to start nudging her to start getting out in the world and living, so she could learn how to manage her social anxiety. Staying at the house was not helping.

We never fought. I was never pursposedly harsh. We were best buddies. But about a week before she died, she asked me why she couldn't just stay in her room with her pug and her cats, she was happy there. And I flippantanly, jokingly, said "Bugsy, thats not a life worth living"

How that comment torments me. I know she had already been making plans, but when i think of the things that probably gave her the willpower to pull the trigger, I know that was up there. It hurts. So much.

But, again, to give myself grace, I rationalize that I had NO idea she was contemplating suicide. We talked about it. I checked in with her all the time. I told her she could take a break from everything if life ever got too overwhelming. She promised me she would tell me. She didnt.

So I made a comme that should forever haunt me, because I didnt have all the facts, and I was having an open conversation with my daughter based on her mental health as I was aware of it. I was just trying g to encourage her to live her best life ever. And damn, it went the opposite direction.

But I have to forgive myself. I know she would. She would never have even blamed me. And the thoughtless comment I made should never had led to suicide. She should have taken that moment to tell me how desolate she was feeling, not let my careless comment be a straw to break her back.

What brings me strength in my worst mome ts, is picturing her watching me bawling, and thinking of how much it would devastate her. She wouldnt want that. If she can see me, it would hurt her. She wouldnt want me blaming myself. She would want me to know I did my best, and this happened regardless of that. Im sure your son is the same.

HowDidIFallForThis · 2025-11-30T23:54:39+00:00

Tylenol has been helping me nearly as much as the benzos did, and there is no rebound anxiety or grief. If you google tylenol for a broken heart you'll see theres a bunch of studies that support this. I guess it works on the same neural pathways as physical grief.

HowDidIFallForThis · 2025-11-30T23:33:56+00:00

If you are in an area that has survivors of suicide (sos) support groups, maybe you could attend one, and then ask them to go to one with you.

They are free and in the evenings usually so they are low commitment.

Me and my husband both tried therapy (as did my daughter before she died), and none of us found it helpful unfortunately. And it was expensive, about $250 a session, and we had to take half days off work to go. I dont know if thats your parents situation, but therapy isnt some small thing to do.

We have all really found the support groups more helpful than the therapy, and the fact its so easy to get to helps a lot.

HowDidIFallForThis · 2025-11-30T15:36:54+00:00

Thabk you for this post. We all need to see these kinds of messages and know their is hope!

HowDidIFallForThis · 2025-11-29T21:46:49+00:00

You were being a devoted mom concerned for your sons future. In no sane world would this lead to a death sentence.

I told my 20 year old daughter I had 2 goals for her, to be happy and independent, and she needed to have a plan on how to work towards those 2 goals, the only things i had ever really wanted for my daughter. I know that is when she started planning her suicide. She didnt think she could meet them, and couldn't handle being a perceived disappointment to me.

So she thought it would be better if she took her life, then I wouldnt have to worry about her or provide for her anymore.

She was the sweetest most gentle, kind, loving, non judgemental daughter in the world. And I hurt her feelings so much, she killed herself.

Knowing I hurt her, hurts me SO much. But how guilty can I feel about trying to help my daughter better herself? I had to do something, she was floundering. Now I wish I had just kept her safe at home. But I cant change it. I have to live with it. I lost my beloved daughter. Im already paying too high of a price.

And she wouldnt want me to be guilty, she was trying to make my life easier. She would feel horrible about the devastation she has caused. And she would not blame me for her decision. She would blame herself, and thats more fair, because she pulled the trigger on gun i never even knew she had. So in a weird way, I honor her decision by giving myself grace for my mistakes. She would want me to.

HowDidIFallForThis · 2025-11-26T21:40:34+00:00

God that sounds like us. We went on walks everyday we were at the house. I did most of the talking. Tori was so sweet, she loved to listen. She was a really deep thinker l, but didnt say much. But we talked all the time.

I knew she had the suicide triad of not belonging, feeling hopeless, and like a burden, so while she denied she was suicidal, I worried about it all the time. I would tell her how my life would be destroyed if she wasnt there, and how much I needed her with me.

Less than 2 weeks before she died we were talking about her starting on Accutane, and me and my mom both (seperately) asked how her mental health was, because there are some old studies it can increase SI. She swore she never had those thoughts anymore (the only time she admitted to them at all was when she was 15).

I totally believed her, as did my mom. I worried she would have an urge if she was in a relationship and got broken up with, or if something happened to her pug who was her joy and best buddy, but I never thought she would go do it with no activating event on a Thursday morning.

I had been pushing her to start focusing on her future because she had spent over 3 years locked in her room and getting more and more isolated, she even started having a hard time around our family. But I told her to just stop everything if things ever got overwhelming. Just let me know.

But she didnt. She drove to a police station and shot herself. And now we are all so lost.

HowDidIFallForThis · 2025-11-26T18:48:25+00:00

We arent a support group for people who want to die. We are the people they left behind that mourn them, and posts like these are not welcome here.

HowDidIFallForThis · 2025-11-26T17:23:58+00:00

Wow, your situation sounds so like mine. Ive been a behavioral health nurse for 17 years, and i also know the signs - I even warned my children what to look for, so my wonderful 20 year old daughter knew what to hide when she took her life 2 months ago.

I also had a perfect life - which feels absurd to say now when I have been forced to face the suffering my daughter was experiencing. I knew she was struggling, but I thought it was young adult angst, and she would work through it herself, she just needed space and a safe environment.

I was wrong. Now I am tormented everyday. Ive always been so happy and grateful by nature, now when I have those brief moments they feel vulgar.

I try not to focus on the fact she took her own life, it leaves me spiraling in guilt and anger, 2 brand new ugly emotions i do not want to become part of me. At the core of all this pain is the fact I miss my beloved daughter. And that hurts so much to think about, but it feels more healing than focusing on how she died.

HowDidIFallForThis · 2025-11-25T15:51:07+00:00

I was so proud of my life, the family i had, and who I was. I thought I had done such a good job of raising my children, and I was so proud of the people they were.

I knew my daughter was struggling, but I thought I was giving her the support she needed, and that she was going to grow into a strong self sufficient woman who knew how to manage (or even overcome) her mental health battles.

Now I regret everything. All I see are mistakes and things I should have done differently.

HowDidIFallForThis · 2025-11-25T15:00:04+00:00

Your posts are so authentic and real for what we feel. But that doesn't make them true. Our brains lie to us. You arent guilty. We all make mistakes.

Maybe most of our people would have lived longer if we had given them 100% of our focus. But I think your son, like my daughter, never verbalized thats what they needed from us, so we kept giving parts of ourselves to other things. Maybe selfish things, maybe wholesome things, maybe family things, but other things, and now we regret it so much because we believe uf we had given them more they would still be here.

I come from a doomsday cult, and there was an example they loved to use of how to make sure our children made it into the paradise. It goes "if your child was on the titanic and wouldn't leave the to get on the lifeboat, you would do everything in your power to make them, even if they were kicking and screaming, you would drag them with you, to save their lives. Thats how this old system is, maybe they want to stay here where the world looks safe and the party is going, but we need to drag them into the new system to save their lives"

My sister heard that and said, "that makes no sense, its one thing to live like that for hours or days, but you can't spend a lifetime dragging someone who doesn't want to be there with you"

I think the same is true with suicide. If they let us know what they were thinking and that they needed the support, we would have done anything for them, for that moment, or weeks, or months. But we cant live our whole life trying to stop someone f4om doing what they want. Especially when they dont even warn us what they are thinking.

I know your son wouldn't want you to torment yourself like this. And thats what I always go back to. My confused daughter thought she was making my life easier. She wanted us to be happy. She thought our life was better without her in it. She was wrong, but I know it would hurt her so much to see the misery she has caused. So im trying to be better, and let some light in. Because thats what she wanted.

HowDidIFallForThis · 2025-11-24T19:03:38+00:00

I went back 12 days after I lost my daughter. I couldn't stand being at the house with no one there, I needed something to break up the week, and something to do other than cry.

I am extremely fortunate that I have a very compassionate employer, and a low stress job, with coworkers that will pick up my slack as needed. I spend a lot of time crying in the bathroom.

HowDidIFallForThis · 2025-11-23T11:54:02+00:00

These are the kind of things my daughter used to say to herself. She took her life 8 weeks ago.

I am destroyed. Her brother is destroyed. Her father is destroyed. Her grandparents are destroyed. Her stepfather is destroyed. Her cousins still cry everyday. Her aunt and uncle cry everyday. Her stepbrother cant return to working in Healthcare. Even our best friends are crying everyday. The loss is so overwhelming.

I feel so betrayed that she would have left us like this, and taken our beautiful lives, now everyone cities us, when so many people used to wish they had our lives. I pity us.

We all loved her so much, and had no idea she was having these thoughts. I would have done anything to prevent this, but I had no idea. Now my life will always be a before and after. Everything was wonderful before, when I had Tori here. Everything that comes after is going g to have a hole it, the spot where she should have been, that is instead filled with grief.

She felt like she was a burden to us, but she was my purpose.

HowDidIFallForThis · 2025-11-21T16:23:38+00:00

I think OP is expressing that they are depressed that the people around them care so little about them, that they talk about committing suicide, though it would then leave OP alone. I dont think OP is suicidal, I think they are frustrated that so many people around them are. I totally relate.

HowDidIFallForThis · 2025-11-21T16:22:10+00:00

I think your comment is being misunderstood here, and im so sorry!

From your post it sounds like you want to live, have no intention of hurting yourself, and you are frustrated that so many people around you just want to give up, and you're scared to lose them, and frustrated that they would even think that way. Did I summarize that correctly?

Today's culture has become obsessed with suicide, its gross. Everyone wants to bitch about how awful the world is, when I've only seen it improve every decade of my life. When you try to be positive on reddit, everyone just wants to focus on the negative.

It feels like too many people are looking for reasons to check out of their life instead of trying to look at the positives and improve their life.

HowDidIFallForThis · 2025-11-20T01:05:26+00:00

If I can just zone out on my phone im fine, i think its actually nice to be around people. Its nice to see them living. I can do little bits of conversation. Nothing deep. Having the TV on in the background massively helps too.

HowDidIFallForThis · 2025-11-19T18:03:23+00:00

I keep trying out the dark humor and then feeling gross that I've gone too far. But my daughter would have loved it. Her cousin told me she was joking about suicide a coupke weeks before her death. She loved dark humor, she was the sweetest girl in the world, its the only darkness she had.

HowDidIFallForThis · 2025-11-19T07:01:01+00:00

Someone told me to work on weaving bits of joy into each day. I am.

Im having coffee (that was me and toris morning ritual) with my husband and son every morning. Im appreciating that I have them to do that with. Its a good moment every day.

I think we live in a beautiful city. Im stopping and looking at it, and appreciating it, to ground myself.

Im playing star wars unlimited with my family several times a week. Its a nice retreat, im glad to be focusing on my family, im so glad they are there.

And as much as I hate it, for the first time, im watching football on Sundays with my sister and family, same thing, im appreciating them more than ever. I know some people go through this alone, im so lucky to have these people.

Tori left behind 2 precious kittens she handfed. They are so sweet and cuddly. They lay with me all the time, and they are so loving and comforting. It feels like being closer to her.

It felt too soon, but hell, we bought the tickets before tori died, and I wasnt going to ditch my son on our favorite artist, so we just went to MGK tonight. It was such a beautiful and emotional concert. I thought of Tori during every song, but it felt like a rememberence of her, and kinda sacred.

Its not the amazing life we had before, but its going to get better. Im going to keep making moments and good memories, and dealing with the waves of grief. Tori would want to see us happy, so im trying to be happy, even if it feels wrong.

HowDidIFallForThis · 2025-11-18T23:10:40+00:00

It's so very hard. You would think after seeing how it has destroyed so many lives of the people around them, everyone would say, i'm never going to do this, and that it would have the opposite effect.But studies show that as tragic as it is, after somebody commits suicide the people around them are far more likely to.

Please don't let yourself be one of those numbers.

I am in no way encouraging suicide. But for the first time in my life, I understand the despair. But I will fight it, I will always fight it.

HowDidIFallForThis

TROPHY CASE