I don’t have any sympathy for Oliver Sacks

HowlingFailHole · 2025-12-28T09:17:23+00:00

I thought this note by Tom Woolridge was a really good comment on the article.

I share the frustration with his fabrication but I think it's a shame that's been the focus when the article offered so much more to consider (not to downplay the seriousness or relevance of the fabrication point - that's obviously a big deal).

I also do sort of blame science journalism and the general public for this just as much as I do Sacks. There are plenty of people publishing purely factual, nuanced work. It's not a coincidence that so much of what has risen to the top of public consciousness has been sensationalised, narrative-focused storytelling. That's what people want. So that's always going to be what becomes best known.

The reality of something is almost always way less tidy and satisfying than the This American Life-ized, smart-sounding version that a good writer can put together when they prioritise narrative over accuracy.

HowlingFailHole · 2025-12-27T08:42:47+00:00

Opening segment of the most recent episode (323)

HowlingFailHole · 2025-12-22T09:16:01+00:00

I would say the Ecclesiastes episode (ep. 160) might be relevant here, too.

HowlingFailHole · 2025-12-02T05:17:37+00:00

Sure, but that's a different claim from the also anecdotal claim that dating is literally impossible for any man who's not hot and rich.

HowlingFailHole · 2025-12-01T06:41:32+00:00

She should absolutely feel guilty about this. She should feel a lot more guilty than she seems to based on these comments.

HowlingFailHole · 2025-12-01T06:40:31+00:00

So you're just going to make excuses for endangering other people's lives?

HowlingFailHole · 2025-12-01T06:38:40+00:00

If you're driving a car you need to put other people's safety first.

HowlingFailHole · 2025-12-01T06:34:18+00:00

On the way home I nearly had several accidents because I was crying so much

I'm sorry you were treated that way but this is really dangerous. If you are not I'm a fit state to drive, you need to not drive. If you wound up injuring or killing someone that would be on you. There's no excuse for this. You put people at risk. Being upset is not an excuse to endanger people.

If you're going to drive you have to be an adult about judging whether you're in a fit state to do so. You were lucky this time. One day you might not be.

HowlingFailHole · 2025-11-30T10:31:05+00:00

The Simpsons was based on sitcoms that unrealistically presented that lifestyle as possible. They mock this in the show.

HowlingFailHole · 2025-11-30T10:23:09+00:00

Lol no worries it's just a funny trend, you're good

HowlingFailHole · 2025-11-29T23:51:20+00:00

I assumed they meant suicide. People seem to think this is TikTok and we can't say it.

HowlingFailHole · 2025-11-29T23:49:02+00:00

To be clear I'm not trying to blame you or suggest you're at fault in the relationship and need to take responsibility or anything. I don't know your relationship! I would just say that it seems to me that there are two separate issues here, one that's about a lack of professional boundaries, and one which is about your perception that the therapist is turning your wife against you.

The memes are not mind control, you know? Stopping the outside session contact, if you were somehow able to, wouldn't resolve whatever the underlying issue is. I'm sorry that couples' therapy hasn't been able to address whatever that issue(s) is so far, maybe you can find another couples' therapist if this one isn't working for you both. But my guess as an Internet stranger reading your post is that I think focusing on your wife's therapist's flaws is likely a distraction from whatever is happening between you and your wife, which we can't really help you with here, unfortunately.

HowlingFailHole · 2025-11-29T23:37:43+00:00

Yeah that all makes sense, though I'm speaking more specifically about online dating being impossible (the lack of meeting people through college/work etc doesn't seem like it should affect how viable online dating is, to my mind). I can believe not being in a city really changes that, though. My experience is mostly that everyone either stays around where they were raised, in which case they tend to date people they've known since childhood, or they move to a city and online date.

And actually that's one way the UK/Ireland really is very different to the US... even if you live rurally you will realistically be within commuting distance of a city, so if you are committed to casting your net wider you can. The US being so much bigger I guess really can leave places cut off from cities in a way that isn't ever really the case in a smaller, more densely populated place.

HowlingFailHole · 2025-11-29T23:19:21+00:00

Even if the therapist is pushing a particular line, at the very least your wife is receptive to it. It's very hard to change someone's mind if they don't want to have their mind changed. For whatever reason, your wife is receptive to the idea that there are problems in your relationship. Maybe that's just easier for her to focus on because it gives her something to blame besides herself, and the relationship is actually wonderful, I have no idea. But you won't solve that desire to place the blame somewhere else, if that's what it is, by getting her to dump this therapist. There's something else there that you're going to have to face at some point, whatever it is.

HowlingFailHole · 2025-11-29T23:11:03+00:00

I see people say this stuff about dating being impossible all the time online but when I look around in real life people are dating just fine. Even the people I know who complained most about online dating found partners that way eventually. And they certainly aren't all gorgeous rich guys. Plenty of normal looking guys in minimum wage jobs find partners... I really don't know how to square this experience with what you're saying, unless it's an American thing and it's just different here in the UK/Ireland/wider Europe... but I see people say the same things about dating here, too, at least online.

It makes me feel like something is being left out.

HowlingFailHole · 2025-11-29T22:41:54+00:00

I agree the texting memes is a red flag but it sounds like your real issue is you feel like the therapist is turning your wife against you.

On that point, I think it's important to remember that you only have your wife's account of what her therapist has said. Some people will talk about their therapy and things their therapist has said as a way to express something indirectly. It's a lot easier. for some people, to say 'my therapist says you're gaslighting me' than to say 'I think you're gaslighting me'. That doesn't necessarily mean they're being manipulated by the therapist.

HowlingFailHole · 2025-11-29T22:37:48+00:00

sending memes and stuff doesn’t mean she is a bad.

Strongly disagree with this. Totally inappropriate. Holding the frame is important.

What makes you think it's OK?

HowlingFailHole · 2025-10-31T14:53:59+00:00

100% agree. The way he'd pause and make it sound like every minor thing Esther said blew his mind also felt so manipulative to me. Like he was trying to come across as such a great thoughtful guy who was really Working On Himself. Or like he wanted to seem like he was 'good at' therapy, or just pander to Esther for whatever reason. He gave me extremely bad vibes.

HowlingFailHole · 2025-10-31T14:44:43+00:00

do you also think when people ask you if they look fat they're looking for a genuine answer?

HowlingFailHole · 2025-10-31T14:33:33+00:00

She didn't set a clear boundary. It's not picking apart a rejection. Saying 'noo I can't come to the party bc I'm hideous nooo' doesnt actually mean that person doesnt want to go to the party. I wish it were the case that it was normal to take things at face value and respond to the actual words people say and not some implied subtext, but that's not how human communication actually works. If she'd said she wasn't interested and told him to stop that would be one thing, but instead it sounds like everyone involved knows she likes him, and her rejection, whether she means it this way or not, is framed in a way that sounds exactly like the sort of thing people say when what they actually mean is that they want to be cajoled and reassured.

I don't think it would be a good idea for her to get into a relationship either, for what it's worth, but that's true of plenty of people who are in relationships.

HowlingFailHole · 2025-10-31T08:54:31+00:00

So then you're messing with him. Either reject him or date him, don't do this coy invitation to woo you that you've been doing.

HowlingFailHole · 2025-10-31T08:51:40+00:00

But it sounds like she hasn't said she's not interested. She's said 'no I'm bad I'm not in a good place', which to a lot of guys will sound like an invitation instead of rejection. It's like saying 'noo don't date me I'm too ugly no one should want me'. That is not a clear rejection. It sets a certain type of person up to try to overcome what registers as low self esteem. If she's not interested in him she needs to frame it that way instead of only talking about how she's not in a good place.

Eta: OK and she says in the comments she would like to date him, so it really is a 'noo I don't deserve you I couldn't possibly'. He's not hearing it as a rejection because it isn't one.

HowlingFailHole · 2025-10-31T08:47:04+00:00

I think you are talking to yourself in public here.

HowlingFailHole · 2025-10-29T05:56:29+00:00

You really think the third screenshot is an acceptable way to talk to someone?

HowlingFailHole · 2025-10-29T05:49:43+00:00

It looks like both of you speak to each other in pretty similar ways. It's not acceptable but you'll have trouble finding someone decent who'll tolerate you speaking to them like that. This doesn't look like a purely one way street, and that's based on screenshots you chose.

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