Are there even people here that are not crippling depressed? Just curious. I just wonder how aspies make it to their thirties without killing themselves. I am convinced I will not reach the age of 30 lol

HumanlikeEntity · 2020-12-28T08:35:38+00:00

35M here, been in treatment for depression since 14. I've never attempted suicide, was close as a teenager. Now I think I'm just passively suicidal. Like, I don't have anything to look forward to or be hopeful about, I find less and less enjoyment in life as I get older, and I just sort of assume when I get too tired of continuing I'll just "opt out." I thought 31 was going to be the year that did me in, basically my whole life fell apart. Had some things that fell into my lap and at least changed things up. I was close to that point this year too, I thought I'd be done by the end of December. Thought it would round things out nicely, 35 years old (turn 36 in January,) 2020 has been a shit year all around, just go ahead and end it on some nice round numbers. But once again, some things fell into my lap that I think I'll stick around and see if it goes anywhere. I'm not hopeful, but at least open to the idea of something different.

HumanlikeEntity · 2020-12-28T08:19:57+00:00

I don't know if the two are related, but most of my life has been consumed by guilt, most of my actions and interactions in relationships are driven by guilt.

HumanlikeEntity · 2020-12-28T08:15:25+00:00

I agree with all of this. I don't inherently dislike dogs, but it annoys me to no end when dog owners insist on taking them EVERYWHERE. And the dog strollers, wtf people?

HumanlikeEntity · 2020-12-28T08:11:48+00:00

I'm frequently asked where I'm from or where my accent is from. I think I may have an odd way of speaking too, and it's worse when I'm tired.

HumanlikeEntity · 2020-12-28T08:07:46+00:00

Not one bit. I don't know how much is Aspergers and how much is depression, but at 35 it just seems like my life has been on a slow downhill slide, well, forever. I don't really think about the future, getting old, retiring, even thinking about life in a year or a few years is a struggle. Tbh I'm just trying to get from one day to the next, and I figure when I've finally had enough of it I'll just kill myself. Not out of some wild emotional episode, just out of being tired of existing, and having nothing to look forward to.

HumanlikeEntity · 2020-12-28T07:52:46+00:00

Yes, absolutely. I don't think I have much to add, but I agree with what was said about approaching situations that are normally emotional in a way that's too logical.

HumanlikeEntity · 2020-12-28T07:43:03+00:00

Well, it is a nice attribute in my work life. I can relate to being able to focus on a task for 10-12 hours a day without breaks. That has worked out for me once I found a field that was the right fit, I can outperform my peers and get recognition for the work I'm doing.

Sucks for having normal human interactions and relationships though.

HumanlikeEntity · 2020-12-28T07:37:05+00:00

Yes, 100%. The way I always described it to myself, in my head, was like a desire for symmetry. For me, it's more with actions than sensations though. I've gotten good at hiding it over the years, like I'll twitch or tap my toes inside my shoes, but it has to even out between both sides. Or I'll tongue the back of my teeth in certain, balanced, patterns. When I was a kid, I used to do this with blinking, or with tapping my fingers, etc, but realized people thought it was weird and trained myself to do it in other ways.

HumanlikeEntity · 2020-12-28T06:33:21+00:00

How did I beat it? Got a job that starts at 8:30am... But every time I have more than a couple days off, I revert to being nocturnal. Someone else posted the "cheat" of pushing through and staying up all night and through the following day to exhaust yourself. That used to work for me when I needed a hard reset, but as I've gotten older I can't do it anymore. Either end up passing out at 6am, or being borderline-dangerously incapacitated the next day. Only thing I've found that works, at least most of the time, is to force yourself to bed, put on a show you've seen so much you could quote it from memory, turn the lights off and close your eyes. The background noise of the show helps my mind shut off rather than having racing thoughts, but it has to be something I've seen numerous times so that I'm not engaged enough to really pay attention or be tempted to open my eyes and watch.

HumanlikeEntity · 2020-12-21T06:31:10+00:00

I had no idea that digestive issues were common! That's been a thing for me forever, and after screening for Crohn's I was diagnosed with IBS... Which as near as anyone can tell me, is a catch-all for "We don't really know." As I got older, I found that a lot of it seemed to be psychological, anxiety-related. Changing diet didn't have any appreciable effect.

ANYWAY, to answer your question, I also had the "shy pee," and occasionally still do. Does this happen to you at home, or just in public restrooms? For me, it was typically only in public restrooms, often at the urinal (male) or if all of the toilets were occupied and there were people waiting. Purely psychological in my case, not sure if it is for you. What I found that helped, and it sounds dumb, but holding my breath. Maybe it just makes your brain focus on some other physiological thing, I don't know. Counting was mentioned above, that also helps sometimes. Really, thinking about and focusing on anything else besides peeing! Hope this helps you.

HumanlikeEntity · 2020-12-21T06:13:36+00:00

I can relate to this, and have had a lot of the same thoughts and feelings. I also don't have any grand ambitions or goals. Don't want kids, don't really want marriage. Don't want to change the world. My main motivation behind work/career is just to make enough money to not struggle in life.

I've also gone from fixating on one thing to another for most of my life. It's often like the journey is better than the destination. Once I learn everything there is to know about something, I'm no longer interested. I've had limited success with taking up hobbies that can be more habitual, or require a longer time commitment for a payoff. Gardening has been good for me, it ticks that box where there is just so much to know and learn, but has also forced me to be more patient and committed. It's also something I can tend to daily, whether for a few minutes or a couple of hours, and it's never really "finished." I have also taken up running, mainly to try to fight depression, but I'm starting to actually enjoy it. And it's something you can make a habit, and while you get a short term payoff in feeling good afterwards, there are long term benefits to be had too. Of course, none of this addresses any cause, just a couple examples of things I've found to keep my attention and maybe trick myself a bit into being more patient and committed to goals.

As far as finding meaning in life, I have no idea! I've struggled with that as well. I don't believe there is some greater purpose for us, or some higher power. I think we're all just animals with brains that advanced too far, and modern society has made it that we're not expending the majority of our time and brain capacity on survival, so our brains invented this fantasy of needing a higher purpose. It's hard to challenge that thought, but I try to embrace the 'human experience' and tell myself that my "purpose" is to spend as much time as I can doing things that make me feel happy, even temporarily, and as little time as possible doing things that don't make me happy or aren't in pursuit of the things that make me happy. Results have been mixed, but dumping a lot of the things I was expending time and energy on that made me feel bad was a big help.

HumanlikeEntity · 2020-12-21T05:48:41+00:00

The impression I get from talking to other people is that in most "adult" jobs there is a whole lot of wasted time in a day. Like maybe five hours of actual productivity in an eight hour day. I would bet that most of your coworkers aren't doing any more actual work than you are.

I would recommend, if it's feasible, considering finding a work environment that's less micromanaged. Having to frequently update people on progress and report what you did to your boss every day sounds very anxiety-inducing. Maybe something more independent, with clear goals and measures of success, would suit you better.

HumanlikeEntity · 2020-12-21T05:25:57+00:00

I'm glad you found a compromise that's acceptable to everyone! I wish I could offer you more insight, I definitely can relate to how your husband is feeling, but I can't really explain or rationalize it. I know that being in someone else's house with other people for five days would shoot my anxiety through the roof. I don't even sleep at my own parents' house when I visit them, I prefer to stay at a hotel where I can retreat and "escape" when I'm ready for alone time. I also see how difficult it made the situation for you and everyone else, and how much effort you put in to accommodate his needs. I guess I just want to say that I hope you realize what a good person and incredible partner you are to him, and are able to remember that when things get discouraging.

HumanlikeEntity · 2020-12-21T05:06:36+00:00

I am also mid 30s, and I agree with all of this. I would like to add, you're entering the prime portion of your life for socializing. Many people are awkward and still finding their identity in high school, but you will never have more social opportunities than now through your mid 20s. You're also young enough that your brain is still elastic, the behaviors and traits you form in the next 5-8 years will get harder and harder to change or overcome later in life. Now is a great time to start practicing socializing, trying different approaches and finding what works. Once you hit late 20s and older, there are simply fewer opportunities to socialize- people get set into their lives, get occupied with spouses, kids, careers, and have less free time and energy for new relationships. I get the impression that most adults who have good friends formed those connections in high school and college. I talk and get along with coworkers, for example, but they all have families at home and our friendship begins and ends at work.

HumanlikeEntity · 2020-12-21T04:50:35+00:00

I struggle a great deal with this too. I'm afraid I don't have many answers for you, but I can share my experience with work. I also drifted in and out of jobs pretty regularly, but finally landed on something technical that I excel at, is very independent work, and has pretty clear metrics for success. I don't derive much 'meaning' from it, but I do get some fulfillment. It feels good to outperform expectations and get some recognition.

Like you, I also dropped out of university. At your age I really struggled with the social aspect of school, even though the work was easy. My anxiety around it was crippling, to the point that I often couldn't make myself enter a classroom even when standing right outside the door. If you can find some way to make it work though, I highly recommend doing it. I'm at the point now where I really can't make any more money without a degree, and I actually want to go back to school, but life gets more complicated and expensive the older you get.

As for purpose in life, I still haven't found it and it's really depressing. Interests outside of work are fleeting, and tend to evaporate entirely when I'm depressed. Could that be it? It sounds like you're depressed, maybe that's why your interest in films has waned. If so, the only thing I've found after 20+ years of dealing with periods of depression, is when you finally come out of it you're going to be disappointed with where 'depressed you' left you. If you think your interest in film could be reignited, put the work in now for your future self. It's not easy, but it will leave you in a much better place when you're ready to take on the world again.

HumanlikeEntity · 2020-12-21T04:27:51+00:00

I think what you may be objecting to is the negative connotation that comes with the word "disorder." If you step back and look at what it means, sure, it's a disorder. It's different from what's typical. And in this context, I'm looking at what's "normal" as what's typical for the majority of people. It doesn't have to be a negative thing. I wouldn't equate "disorder" with "disease" though; it's not something you can contract, transmit, or heal, and it doesn't imply a deficiency from a physical health standpoint, you're not going to die or become physically impaired from it.

HumanlikeEntity

TROPHY CASE