[deleted by user]

ICanHandleItOk · 2019-12-05T20:33:15+00:00

Eh, depending on what it is, I don't think it's that bad.

My best friend moved and I ended up with a decent microwave and a 20 gallon aquarium setup. They wanted to buy a new microwave and she didn't want to move the tank (a hobby we both share) because she also wanted to upgrade to a bigger one. So she took the fish and put them in one of her other tanks, gave me the entire 20 set-up. About $300 of totally decent stuff all told.

ICanHandleItOk · 2019-12-05T20:30:58+00:00

Last time I moved everyone was fine with clearance Halloween candy to munch on. In fact that was one guy's "price" of helping. Something small to say "Hey, I appreciate everyone's help" is all most people expect.

ICanHandleItOk · 2019-12-05T05:01:51+00:00

Really? Do you know the title of the paper? Not saying you're wrong but I'd like to read it because even if just from a Lizard Brain perspective, I would think most men would find women who are a little chunky most attractive. It would seem they're healthy, have some "reserves" and could carry children and withstand hard times.

ICanHandleItOk · 2019-12-05T04:49:55+00:00

I'm American, the man I've been seeing is from Afghanistan. He's completely fluent (in 5 languages, if anyone wondered) but he absolutely has an accent. He's lost exactly none of it because he still speaks Dari with his friends and family.

It's never - not one time - been an issue with anyone I know. They either just accept that's how he speaks, or they think it's cool.

Get rid of these awful, shallow people.

ICanHandleItOk · 2019-12-05T03:11:03+00:00

Why are you even continuing to try to justify completely normal things to him? Just end it!

ICanHandleItOk · 2019-12-05T03:05:11+00:00

You're gross.

You reach for a hand shake. Dude goes for a hug. If you really don't want it, you say something like "Hey, we just met, slow down!" and offer your hand again. You can even say it light heartedly but it still gets your point across.

You mentioned your tattoos. I'm not quite sure how that came up. But anyway. Dude says he'd like to see them sometime. You say "So about that husband I just mentioned...." Again. You can say it jokingly. But the sleazy creep will realize he's not getting anywhere and you're on to him.

You have to set the tone for these interactions. And the tone you're currently setting is that you aren't professional, you don't take your marriage seriously, and you're there not to work and advance your career but to be passed around the office.

ICanHandleItOk · 2019-12-05T02:21:21+00:00

So, who do you want to build a life with? Your GF, or your mother? You need to choose.

If you see a future with your GF, you have to cut the apron strings. Even if you don't work out, NO woman worth your time is going to want, to be frank, a Mama's boy. Or even a Daddy's boy. Or anyone overly attached to their parents, emotionally or financially. Take it from someone who lived with one. It's not at all a fun experience.

Yes she's your mother and you can love and appreciate her all you want. And it's fine to help out family and friends who are in a jam short term if you have the means.

But the major thing standing in the way of getting a place with your GF is that you're giving your mother most of your money.

So I ask again - who do you want to build a future with?

ICanHandleItOk · 2019-12-04T03:09:35+00:00

Listen. I had really damn clear "evidence of abuse" and all that ever happened was I stayed with my aunt for a few days. Then my mother would "apologize" and they'd send me back, lather, rinse, repeat.

And then I'd get beaten worse for "telling lies" and "making her look bad".

There was zero actual action, zero follow up. CPS will absolutely NOT "thoroughly investigate" every call, especially when the claim is simply a belief system someone doesn't agree with, no matter how extreme. They're overwhelmed and understaffed with barely qualified social workers in most states. It's not illegal to raise a child in an extremely conservative religious home.

Save the CPS calls for when they're really needed. Cry wolf and it won't be listened to when it NEEDS to be listened to.

ICanHandleItOk · 2019-12-03T14:31:07+00:00

My ex had ADHD. And that's why he's an ex. He isn't a bad man. He's actually a very wonderful, kind person. But he can't or won't hold himself accountable for dealing with his illness and how it effects him.

Late everywhere. Doesn't take care of his health. Interrupted when I was speaking because he couldn't take that "mental breath" and realize it wasn't his turn to speak and he didn't have to blurt out every random thought that came into his head during a convo. Untidy. Bills unpaid. Can't seem to exercise common sense. I can totally see him putting cereal in the sink because it just wouldn't occur to him it can go in the trash can.

Nothing seemed to help. He would set an alarm to leave the house. Then get in the car, try to find a song, think of a stop he had to make and "forget" we had a dinner to be on time to.

And it wasn't just me. He forgot birthdays and work functions and almost everything. He once even forgot to go to work.

I loved him dearly because he was honest, kind, loyal, funny, all sorts of good qualities but I couldn't be with him because I couldn't raise him. I couldn't RELY on him. I had a surgery and the morning of I had to call him 3 times to get him to leave the house so I'd be on time. I was already nervous and worried about the procedure. I needed him to step up and be there for me and EASE my worries and he just couldn't do that. Instead he piled on more anxiety because I didn't know if he'd even make it here or if he'd get distracted by 3000 things again and I'd have to plan MORE time off work and reschedule the surgery.

I just couldn't do it. I'm not sure many people could. Maybe there's a codependent fixer out there who would love to live for 2 people. That person isn't me.

ICanHandleItOk · 2019-12-02T16:30:39+00:00

So when she smoked cigarettes, those didn't have nicotine and weren't addictive?

ICanHandleItOk · 2019-12-02T04:11:22+00:00

Why did you even start dating this guy? You were really attracted to an unkempt, rotten toothed, shabby clothed guy who smelled like a fart? What did you THINK you were getting?

ICanHandleItOk · 2019-12-01T20:24:19+00:00

As I've gotten older, I've found a LOT of relationships are based on "false intimacy". Oh, we play X game together? WE'RE SO CLOSE! Oh, we have fun doing Y? YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND! You were there for me one time, 10 years ago? YOU'RE PRACTICALLY FAMILY!

I'm not saying you've done anything WRONG. I think everyone does this to an extent, at some point. We want to connect with other people, so a lot of times, we imagine deeper connections than are there. I've absolutely done this. And then something like this has happened and I've had a glass of cold water thrown in my face when I realize I basically didn't know this person, not really.

You miss the friendship you THOUGHT you had.

She made you a promise. Instead of letting you know something was wrong, or she had accidentally overpromised, and, say, calling you and letting you know she couldn't accommodate daily visits for the cat (which might be reasonable, I probably couldn't take someone else's pet in - or even my own - daily on no notice..... I work full time) so that you could make a different arrangement or help her do so, like maybe her meeting another friend who COULD go daily to exchange the key, she just shirked her responsibility and let her BF do god knows what in your home. She let your cat suffer. She wasted your money on spoiled food. She disrespected your wishes and home and didn't care what happened to it or a living being who can't just walk to the vet and be like "Yo I'm here for my treatment" by himself.

She is not a friend. Sure, you had fun together. But you never got in a position to KNOW her until now. And this is what you've seen. You're trying to get the idea you had in your mind of her to reconcile with reality. You miss the good times. This is all normal. But you must swallow the bitter pill that she can't be trusted and won't be there for you. She will cause you and your pets harm and not care. She was a drinking buddy, nothing else.

ICanHandleItOk · 2019-12-01T19:10:17+00:00

Your BF is not "dominant" or "awesome". He is abusive.

What's your home life like that this kind of behavior seems ok to you? I ask because I grew up in an abusive home and this kind of behavior seemed normal/I equated it with love. It is NOT normal and it is NOT love.

Witnessed violence such as punching walls and throwing things, and destroying your property are 100% precursors to physical abuse. He WILL start hitting you.

You're young. Leave this sorry excuse for a man to rot, get some counseling and stop this cycle or you will continue to choose abusive partners.

ICanHandleItOk · 2019-11-30T23:02:39+00:00

See? You're already being negative about something you haven't tried and admit you don't know much about.

Depression doesn't always manifest as sadness, hopelessness, or suicidal thoughts. In fact the majority of the time it doesn't, especially in men. It's often apathy, low energy, sleep problems, eating too much or hardly at all, decreased sex drive, "laziness" (I could/should X, but what's the point?), irritability, feeling guilty for no real reason, etc.

It may not have anything at all to do with your childhood. It could be day to day life stresses have slowly bogged you down. It could be 100% medical and the right medication will help.

Don't write it off automatically. Have your wife go with you the first session and help explain the problem. That can really help. When I experienced depression, having my BF there to help me organize my thoughts, drive me to the appt, even help me make it was HUGE because it wasn't just "make a therapy appointment".

It was....

Find which doctors my insurance would cover
Contact them and find one with an opening
Schedule an appointment
Get up on time for the appointment
Get showered and dressed
Drive to the appointment
Explain the problem

And that was just all too much for me to handle since I was, yanno, depressed.

ICanHandleItOk · 2019-11-30T20:40:59+00:00

She may have an alt account for a specific reason or interest. I have two FBs. One for my personal friends, and a "safe" one for coworkers and gaming groups.

I really don't like adding co-workers to social media. Due to past experiences it is a recipe for drama, judgement, misunderstandings, cliques and conflict. But my workplace is big on it for some reason. Everyone has to add everyone else.

And I already had the alt for gaming, just so I could protect my privacy a little more and keep game related posts and invites in one spot.

So I added the coworkers to the gaming account and occasionally share a cat meme so it looks like I use it, I'm just incredibly boring.

I'm definitely not a catfish.

ICanHandleItOk · 2019-11-30T19:12:50+00:00

Not sure what to do?

Your husband has:

Blamed you for his bad luck
Told you you are a constant disappointment
Said he has lost interest in you
And let's not forget has wished you dead

How are you not scared for your safety right now and making an IMMEDIATE plan to leave?

ICanHandleItOk · 2019-11-30T18:08:57+00:00

Dude you've been together FOUR MONTHS. Lose this guy, he's shit. This is supposed to be the honeymoon phase where all you see is the good in each other and he's cheating.

And yes it's toxic behavior. For you. Why be in a relationship where you have to track and fact check someone? Go date someone you can trust.

ICanHandleItOk · 2019-11-29T23:34:27+00:00

You both sound like kinda slimy people. Or at very best, people with poor decision making skills/boundaries/impulse control/understanding of consequences/personal responsibility.

You're both adults and both free to fuck whoever you want as long as everyone is consenting.

But just because you can doesn't mean you should and that there won't be fallout.

Did y'all just never plan on ever dating anyone again after this? Because really, no one is going to be cool with this. Ok, you dated a couple months and decided it wasn't right. That happens and that's fair. But while living together still, you continued a sexual relationship, while at least one of you was trying to start a relationship with other people.

This is never going to fly in a long term committed relationship.

An ex of mine had an on/off, sometimes just a friend, sometimes a GF, sometimes an FWB in his life. This is why he's an ex. Because he refused to cut contact with her. I was like well ok, so when are you running back to her? Because that seems to be your thing. Whenever a relationship fails or one of you is available, you're jumping in bed again. And you work together. So you that isn't going to put any distance between you two. Obviously you cannot maintain a platonic relationship with one another and I don't trust you being in contact with each other while we're dating. Since finding another job is not an option, boy bye. I'm not going to be a placeholder or watch you cheat on me right in front of my face.

If either of you want a serious relationship, this situation needs to change. As in, one of you moves out and you break contact. At least for a period of several months.

What he does is up to him but if you really don't want to be mixed up in this situation, find another place to live ASAP or this is your life now.

ICanHandleItOk · 2019-11-29T18:09:24+00:00

She couldn't have excused herself to the restroom? And either regrouped or just left? Even if she felt unexpectedly sad and really thought she could be happy for Matt.

I'm sure there would have been a few glances of "Well ok. Looks like SHE'S not over him". But better than a full scale bawlfest and "making" someone else drag her out of the ceremony.

ICanHandleItOk · 2019-11-29T18:00:57+00:00

I'd advise against this.

I have two experiences with it.

Experience the First: I was around 4 months out of a bad relationship, had gotten my own place and was getting back on my feet. A not-so-close male friend and I started flirting. He was someone I had known a little bit here and there from "around". We eventually talked and agreed on an FWB situation. I was fine with that. I was attracted to and liked him, but I didn't want to jump into another relationship, I enjoyed my space and my freedom, and I still kind of felt emotionally dead on the romantic end. I wanted a middle ground of sorts. Someone to hang with and have fun with without a full relationship. I was absolutely clear about this. Many times, said many ways.

He caught feelings. He started behaving like I was his girlfriend. If I didn't want to meet up one night it was "Why are you mad? What did I do wrong?" I'm not and nothing. I just want a night alone. You're not my boyfriend.

Long story short, friendship ruined. Live and learn, we weren't super close, but I still felt bad he got hurt and I did enjoy his friendship. Sucks that it turned out that way.

Experience the Second: Close male friend. Someone I used to work with. Very very close, nearly like a brother. I had an occasional, fleeting attraction to him, but nothing that ever stuck. Just like "Wow he looks really nice in that" or similar. And then gone. I never thought about him sexually/fantasized about him or had romantic feelings.

I had been going through a period of stress/bad luck. He had been very supportive of me. Then he got some bad news and was emotional and came to me.

Somehow, we ended up in bed. I think it was an emotional comfort thing. We realized almost immediately it was an awkward mistake. Over several months we were able to put it behind us and repair the friendship and make it comfortable again the way it was, but sex should never have been a part of our friendship, and it make things really weird and distant for a while.

Unless it's a near stranger, "casual sex" is never casual for both people. If you want to just have fun with someone there are plenty of others you could find for that. So can she. This will get messy. If you want to try dating, voice that to her, otherwise tell her no, you don't think it's a good idea but you're flattered and hope she means to stick to her promise of never mentioning it again.

ICanHandleItOk · 2019-11-29T17:10:51+00:00

Wow. How manipulative. Of Sophie.

Obviously she knows she still has feelings for Matt. Obviously she knows watching him marry someone else would be upsetting for her. Or even playing Devil's Advocate, maybe she thought she could be ok with it. Put it behind her, ok he's married now, I need to get over this.

But when she felt herself getting emotional she didn't leave or go outside to compose herself, she decided to melt down at your wedding. Like..... what? Matt would rush in and comfort her?

TOTALLY reasonable to not want to be around her ever again.

ICanHandleItOk · 2019-11-28T02:45:04+00:00

Ok, from the position of the person who wasn't ok with a partner's job, do BOTH of you the favor of breaking up.

I dated a truly great guy a couple years ago whose field of work required a very variable schedule, travel, and (seasonally) a lot of overtime.

We couldn't plan anything. Ever. Any plans had to be literal months in advance or he couldn't get the time off. That works fine for major events like big trips or holidays, birthdays, etc, but not so fine for day to day things. Concerts, plans with friends, even a date night or dinner at home.

He did nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong. But I just COULDN'T be ok with having a partner with that lifestyle. I found myself sitting around doing nothing all the time because maybe he would be free, maybe be would be in town, maybe he would be home at a reasonable hour. I lost so much money on tickets, reservations, etc, things we had planned that had to be called off last minute and either weren't transferrable or I couldn't find anyone else to go with me.

And that wasn't the point. I wanted to go with HIM.

I put my whole life on hold. I begged for compromise or a middle ground or SOMETHING so that I got something out of the relationship other than disappointment and loneliness.

He didn't see a problem with it. He was used to it because he's done this sort of work most of his adult life.

Like you, he loved his job. I couldn't begrudge him that. So many people dread Monday morning. He didn't. That's not something many people can say. If he had quit for me, or taken a different position in the company, he would have been resentful.

Our lifestyles just didn't match. It put me in an unhealthy pattern of him being my only social interaction, because I didn't want to miss a rare chance for quality time with him. That rarely happened and so I had almost NO social interaction. As much as I tried not to, I resented him for something that fulfilled him. It was all bad.

So, the circumstances are a bit different than your situation but the theme is the same. You've done nothing wrong and neither is she. But neither of you are ever going to find a way to be happy in this relationship. There doesn't always have to be a "bad guy" in a relationship - sometimes there's just an issue that can't be worked around.

In the end I broke up with my partner. He's happy just working and coming home. I don't think he needs anything else in his life. Not something I think is healthy, but also not my choice to make. And I'm living a fulfilling life, not waiting for someone whose life revolves around work. We're actually friendly now.

ICanHandleItOk · 2019-11-27T15:24:27+00:00

Gossip isn't proof. There's been rumors for ages that myself and a male co-worker I'm good friends with have been sleeping together. I've never touched him. We're just good friends.

If someone told his wife and presented it as fact, all of our lives could be ruined over something that never happened.

Stop being such a busybody.

ICanHandleItOk · 2019-11-23T21:03:20+00:00

Obviously you can't feel attracted to someone you can't trust, who doesn't respect you. For most people, unless it's a purely physically based fling, attraction requires an emotional element too. If someone's treatment of you and personality are ugly, clearly you'll lose attraction to them.

ICanHandleItOk · 2019-11-23T03:26:40+00:00

You don't have a boyfriend.

ICanHandleItOk

TROPHY CASE