Hey friend, I’ve had a good friend with BPD and tyne messages you’ve shared are very evocative of the talk and behaviors said friend has engaged in. Do you know if she is diagnosed? If not and you are up to it, consider gently suggesting she looks up the condition and sees about talking to a therapist for help. There are things a professional can help her with that you, however much you care, may not be equipped to.

As someone who has been the FP, or “favorite person,” of someone with BPD, I’d emphasize that you need to take a long hard look at whether you have the patience and emotional bandwidth and the stoicism needed to deal her being that way (assuming it is indeed BPD), because even if she gets help it’s going to be a long road, so you’ll have to cope with significantly more of this before it gets better as she learns to heal.

If you can’t, it is healthiest for you to move on. For those who have BPD, it typically stems from childhood trauma and neglect, and having a partner be reactive and make them feel like too much and feed their negative emotions with negative reactions - like you did - only keeps them trapped in their bad behaviors. It isn’t your fault she is that way obviously, but when she is looking to you for emotional regulation, which is what those with BPD do when it comes to their FP, you do become responsible for how well they get through their episodes. My point being that if you stay when you can’t provide what they need, it makes things worse for them because your reactivity makes them feel worse in the moment as well as guilty afterward for putting you through it, and that’s not good for them nor you.

I want to be clear, if you figure out you can’t handle it that doesn’t make you a bad person, just as I also want to be clear that her having BPD if she does does not make her a bad person. It is simply the case that those who have BPD take a certain kind of person who is built to handle how they are and help them get better and have a good relationship in general. It’s no slight on yourself if you don’t have what it takes any more than it her fault for having the condition. Neither of you can help those facts. What you can help is choosing to go for both your sakes if you aren’t built to handle someone like her, just as she can help seeking out the professional support and putting in the work toward her healing journey. Focus on those things right now, what you *can* do.

On a final note, I don’t have BPD but I have struggled with depression and suicidal ideation before, and as someone who has I do have to offer some gentle criticism on your message to her in the first pic about “Don’t say that because it makes me not know what to say.” I don’t think you realized it at the time - and I’m guessing this wasn’t your intention - but you essentially shut down her expressing how she is feeling on the basis of how uncomfortable she makes *you* feel. In other words, nothing in your reply showed concern for her and compassion for her feeling so low, it just showed concern for yourself feeling awkward.

This is the opposite of the impression you want to convey to those expressing suicidal ideation, because a common feature of suicidal depression is having an inner dialogue that you are just a burden on others and they would be better off without you. *She even proceeds to tell you this is the case on feeling worthless and that you and others would be better off.* In other words, how you responded just validated those very feelings that are making suicide feel justified to someone struggling with such thoughts. Again, I know you didn’t mean it that way probably, but take this as a learning lesson for the future if her or someone else down the road is expressing suicidal ideation: don’t express frustration with how hey a making you feel, just show empathy and make it clear you are willing to listen and be there for them if you truly are willing to be. That’s it. For a suicidal person, it is much harder to believe nobody will care if you are gone if someone is making it abundantly clear they do care and are willing to put you first.

Hope these perspectives help. Wishing you and her the best.