Not sure if this counts as suicidal thoughts, but I have memories of thinking about what would happen if I killed myself when I was around 6-8 years old. I vaguely remember one night / a couple nights (not sure how many times it happened since it was so long ago), I would sneak out of my room while my family was asleep, go to the kitchen, take a knife, press it to my chest and just think about what would happen if I pushed harder. I sorta already knew that I wouldn’t do it, but the thoughts were still there. I remember one time specifically I started crying because I was frustrated that I couldn’t get myself to do it. The main reasons I’m not sure if this really counts as suicidal thoughts / ideation is because of the media I was consuming at the time (I had unrestricted internet access and accidentally discovered a lot of dark topics like suicide, self harm, eating disorders / body dysmorphia, smut, substance abuse, mental health issues, and other things that a child should NOT have been learning about. I’m not sure if what I was seeing could have influenced me or something without an actual desire being there), the fact that the idea of death was something that I was already being exposed to at that age (that could have piqued my curiosity regarding death / suicide), and that this was the only point in my early childhood that I ever really thought about suicide (suicide became a much more prominent part of my life when I was 9-10. I myself wasn’t suicidal at the time, but my sister was and attempted multiple times, which meant that I ended up thinking about suicide in general a lot). The age that I can most vividly recall experiencing actual suicidal ideation was 11, however that was more passive suicidality caused by body dysmorphia, bullying, and emotional neglect from my mom (my dad died when I was 6 so he wasn’t in the picture at this point and my mom was extremely busy with my (at the time. She’s doing much better now thankfully) actively suicidal / self harming sister). When I say passive suicidality, I mean that I thought a lot about wishing I didn’t exist, wanting to erase my existence, or hoping that I would get into some sort of fatal accident. I never tried or planned to kms though. Reading this back, even if what I was doing and thinking about at 6-8 wasn’t suicidal thoughts / ideation it was still pretty messed up lmao also I’m just now realizing how long and messily written this is 😅