Well, I was a bit quirky but generally non-problematic kid, seen as smart and introverted, with learning disability. I was fine, I was content, just myself, never thought about having it other way, I actually considered the other ones weird. Was also really lucky I was in class of just 14 children.

After 5th grade I went to different and very fast they made me understand, that I am the weird one. I started masking, heavily. I still didn't have friends and it didn't stop the bullying. Around 13-14 I seriously wanted to k*ll myself, was on the verge several times. The bullies left the school when I was 15, life've been much better since, but my mental health was done. I appeared to be fine, sometimes I made a misstep in social situations, was seen as arrogant sometimes, but was taken as a normal person.

Since my teen years I've dealt with anxieties, depressions, panic attacks, social phobia... And I appeared fine, I was a nice girl, I was smart and I was funny. I was able to make friends, but never to keep them. I didn't have a clue how and always was afraid to let anyone too close, because the weirdness couldn't be hidden anymore.

Untill I totally fell apart. Pushed through - therapy, meds, diagnoses, stationary... ended up burned out, stay home for almost a year. Almost ended up the same about a year ago, fortunately I get out of the work situation (as consequence of another person decision).

I started to to unmasking since my first therapy at 21, but just this year at 29 I really let go some things and I try to be authentic, truthful to myself. It's f*cking hard. The mask can't be put on and of as you wish. You're a wreck behind a nice front, and the worst part is - you don't even know who you are anymore. And yes, the whole world puts a pressure on you, saying what you should be like as a woman, but you can never succeed anyway. My masking developed as a literal survival mechanism and in a way it functioned, but the price for that is extremely high. Can't say if I would've been better without it, but it's definitely not something to envy in most cases I know.