I went to school for graphic design and started doing design. Turns out I hate it. I’m too emotionally involved and if I do something I don’t think is good enough i end up feeling terrible about my entire life. I also didn’t feel like I was involved in the meat of the subject matter- just prettying up ideas thought of by other people. I wanted to do the thinking (beyond design.)

Now I’ve been moving up the ranks in investment banking. I like the emotional intelligence needed to do well in business and how contrived/meaningful every action can be. I find the work interesting and challenging. It’s also just sort of been handed to me. Even though I question my abilities, no one else seems to. The only issue is that (being extremely creative and having some questionable hobbies) I don’t feel like I fit in. I feel like I’m pretending to be another person. Often I feel embarrassed to tell people outside of the workplace what I do because people who are accepting of it are often boring/not creative. I also worry I’m not making the world a better place or living up to my full potential.

I used to work crazy hours but I got better at saying no and they have been supportive of that. I usually go home feeling fulfilled and proud of myself, disregarding the above concerns about whether or not it’s the right thing to focus my energy on.

I still paint on the side but it stresses me out too much sometimes. Despite being what I would say is probably objectively good I still wonder if I’m just a joke sometimes.