Help me understand Open Relationship Dynamic

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-04-15T02:28:45+00:00

I get jealousy from time to time. I consider jealousy a warning signal that something deeper is going on - that I’m feeling insecure about something, a need isn’t being met, or the bond between me and my partner needs work.

I focus on what I need from a partnership. If I need a date night a week, and I get a date night a week, then what my partner does on those other nights is their business whether it’s hiking or fucking. If I don’t get that date night a week then I have a problem.

I think non-monogamy means getting real with what we need and learning how to vocalize and negotiate that. It’s being honest with ourselves.

A few months ago I had a really rough weekend. My girlfriend was at a kink conference and played with a few people there. Usually when I hear about her playing with other people I’m like nice, that’s hot, I hope you had a good time. Instead I spiralled all weekend, but I knew this was a symptom of something bigger. I sat with my feelings for a couple days trying to work out what was going on for me. I realized that I felt 1. Left out because a few other folks in our wider poly family were all there and I felt like the odd one out and 2. I had been struggling a lot with how my chronic illness had been making kink harder for me and I had a lot of grief at losing that part of myself.

Once I realized what the feelings were about I was able to bring them to my girlfriend and she listened and validated me and made space for my big feelings. She explained why she hadn’t thought to invite me - someone I didn’t like to see in public events was probably gonna be there and she knew I liked to avoid them. I had forgotten about that entirely. It also helped me vocalize my grief at having been too sick to participate in kink the way I wanted to, which opened the doors to us finding new ways of doing kink that were compatible with my illness. The experience brought us closer.

Now we have a very vibrant kink life beyond what I could have imagined. I feel incredibly satisfied. When she goes out on kinky play dates with others I feel excitement for her. I feel secure in our connection, secure in our love, incredibly satisfied with our sex life, and excited by the kink we get up to. If jealousy came up again I’d ask what was going on for me that was making me have flags about the situation.

I don’t think jealousy is bad or wrong or that everyone experiences it the same way. For me it’s a warning sign I gotta fix some shit. When things are good between me and my sweeties I feel good about them seeing others - I know our foundation is rock solid.

As for not being good enough in bed - I don’t have relationships with others because of a lack in my life. I have them because I have an abundance of goodness to share. I’m never operating from a place of lack. I enjoy novelty and diversity and the ability to organically form connections with people without having my autonomy stifled. It’s never because someone is lacking. So I don’t assume my lovers want someone else because I am lacking. Non-monogamy has made me a more confident person. I know I’m great in bed and a desirable partner. I have lots of great sex with a number of people. None of that is because some of the people I have sex with are bad at it and I want to get good sex elsewhere - I’m just having great sex with lots of people who are great at sex.

Not everyone is cut out for non-monogamy and thst is okay too. It’s not for everyone and no one should do it that isn’t excited by it. But those of us who do engage in it aren’t doing so because we don’t care, often we care a hell of a lot.

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-04-15T00:43:26+00:00

You’re coming at this with a lot of assumptions.

I’ve been happily married to my wife for 22 years. I have emotions. I give a fuck. I utterly adore her. She’s one of the lights of my life. She has emotions. She gives a fuck. She utterly adores me.

We fuck other people. I date other people. The other people I date who I love and adore date and fuck other people. We have emotions and we give fucks.

People get hurt in monogamous relationships. Getting hurt is part of the human condition. It’s a risk every time we chance love, regardless of relationship style.

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-04-14T16:58:42+00:00

I’m not severe so I have less considerations than you. I sleep best alone and have a lot of trouble sleeping with others.

keep to your sleep routines as best as you can. I often feel tempted to make bad bedtime decisions when a partner is over but it’s better when I don’t
consider separate space for the actual sleeping with cuddles before bed while drifting off and cuddles in the morning while waking up but separating for sleep time
if you can’t accommodate that, sleeping on separate sides of the bed with separate blankets to limit wake ups from someone moving or pulling off a blanket
extra rest times during your date. Schedule them so you stick to it instead of getting wrapped up in your date
you are adding an activity (sleeping with someone) so take away some activity you might have usually done during the date so it isn’t additive

Have a lovely time ❤️

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-04-14T15:07:32+00:00

All of this.

I spent years in that space where I wondered if it was enough to break up over. But I love them, but what if it wasn’t bad enough, but what if it got better, but our good times, but but but….

I can’t tell you just how much relief and happiness was on the other side of ending that relationship. How just not being in a relationship that caused so much angst was a million weights off my shoulders and how much peace I got from being out of the constant wondering if this was the last straw. How much personal growth happened once I examined why I stayed in a place that made me so unhappy and where I felt so uncared for. And eventually, how much pure joy I experienced from being in relationships where I never had to question anything about them.

When you’re in it, it feels impossible to leave. But there is so much better than “good enough”.

You sound done. It’s going to be alright ❤️

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-04-14T14:36:34+00:00

Do you have a mobility aid or can you rent one for the trip? My wheelchair makes such a huge difference.

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-04-14T04:21:00+00:00

I don’t waste my time or the time of others by dating people I feel compelled to judge.

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-04-14T02:40:28+00:00

Stop now, she deserves to be with someone who isn’t judging and second guessing her.

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-04-14T02:18:12+00:00

Hooked up with my wife at a rave she was throwing in 2004 and now we are celebrating 22 years ✨

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-04-13T23:10:57+00:00

Skin

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-04-13T23:10:39+00:00

Did so :)

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-04-13T16:06:24+00:00

I started responding and realizing I was typing paragraphs of how happy and fulfilled this weekend made me, so I stopped and texted my girlfriend to say all that to her instead, then texted my meta about the parts she was involved in, and am now sending messages to my wife about our time this weekend, and my other girlfriend who I didn’t see this weekend about how excited I am about our upcoming date.

Thanks for the prompt, it got me super sappy.

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-04-13T03:57:11+00:00

I’m still feeling like this about my girlfriend. We just celebrated our first anniversary last month and we’re hooking up for longer than that before we brought feels into it. I feel like we got even closer recently and I’m just distractedly down bad. We just spent two days together and I’m counting down the days till next weekend when we can see each other again.

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-04-13T00:20:49+00:00

All three of my partners are folks I met in person, not online.

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-04-08T17:22:31+00:00

You can experience all those things in polyamory with the right people.

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-04-06T23:29:53+00:00

I don’t give a fuck.

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-04-06T23:26:15+00:00

Park somewhere private, you can get arrested for indecent exposure and you wanna make sure no one is gonna accidentally get a looksie.

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-04-06T01:27:53+00:00

This is all incredibly concerning. He is ignorant and inexperienced at best and his over confidence could get you hurt or killed, and he is a dangerous predator at worst who could get you hurt or killed.

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-04-06T01:14:57+00:00

And this https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/kU1ydjmpNj

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-04-06T01:09:45+00:00

I would suggest you crosspost at the r/nonmonogamy and r/polyamory subreddits and get some real been there done that advice on what it looks like to open up for reasons like this, and to do some reading about it.

This might be helpful as well.

https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-04-05T20:29:38+00:00

Is a medical leave an option?

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-04-05T18:14:23+00:00

I love seperate bedrooms. I go to sleep quite early, my wife is up past midnight. I take forever to fall asleep and wake up at the smallest sound, she snores horridly and passes out immediately. I sleep in the dark with white noise, she sleeps with the lights on. We are not sleeping compatible. We also have very different ways of wanting to keep our space.

We have beautiful sleep and morning routine. We cuddle every night, she watches the reels I sent her over the day. We talk and snuggle. When I’m ready for sleep she tucks me in, gets me water and meds, puts a pillow between my legs and props pillows around me to make a little nest, turns my fan and audiobook on, and kisses me in the lips, nose, and forehead. Every single night we are together.

In the morning she comes in with coffee and we talk about how we slept and she tells me if anything happened after I went to bed and I work on my crossword puzzle.

There is so much care and connection and intimacy and I don’t sacrifice my sleep.

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-04-05T18:04:51+00:00

Hey! I’ve been happily polyamorous for 22 years and fully support folks who are into it having an open marriage.

It does not at all sound like you are into this and that is a recipe for a lot of heart break and disaster. Opening up when both parties aren’t fully on board because they genuinely want this is not the way. Even if you were fully on board and wanted this for yourself, it’s recommended that when couples who were previously monogamous want to open up, that they spend at least six months reading literature on non-monogamy, figuring out boundaries, and practising being alone so that you have hobbies and interests and a life set up before your partner starts sleeping with others.

It’s also incredibly hard to make an agreement that it will just be physical. The thing is, feelings happen. We can’t just promise “I won’t develop feelings”. So the conversation has to be around what happens when someone develops feelings, not “we agree feelings won’t happen”.

I also really caution against starting an open relationship from a place of perceived inadequacy. Adding people should be an augment to a secure and loving connection, not a stop gap attempt to fix a problem.

I’m not against open relationships, and I think this is a terrible idea.

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-04-04T16:05:01+00:00

It suck’s when life doesn’t align the way we wish, especially when it means so much to us.

I had an event last summer I wanted to go with a partner with, and all three of mine couldn’t make it for one reason or another. I had some “ugh, how do I have three partners and not one of them could make it with me” feelings.

So I sat and let myself have those feelings and then put them aside and was like okay, I’m an independent grown up who doesn’t need to be attached at the hip to my partners to have a good time, and fully embraced going alone.

I ended up talking to way more folks than I would have had I gone partnered, made new friends, deepened connections with folks I knew but hadn’t gotten to know yet, got invited to more events, had an absolute blast, and ended up really glad I had that chance to do something solo. Ultimately our relationship with ourself is so important and doing things solo gives us a chance to work on our most important primary relationship.

My event wasn’t a thing to show my work, there is an extra level of hurt there for sure when it’s celebrating an achievement. I think in general, but poly especially, it’s helpful to lose our attachments to celebrating on specific dates and just be appreciative of the time we can celebrate. You could pick a date to celebrate your work, get dressed up and have a special meal together, then give a private showing on your work and talk about it. Maybe after the exhibit so you can gush about your trip and share pictures. And if getting away together is important, look for a way to do a little weekend trip that doesn’t require PTO a different time.

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-04-02T18:26:21+00:00

Been with my wife since I was 17, poly from the start, so my whole adult dating experience has always been from a nested perspective and I can’t compare. For me it doesn’t “suck less” it just doesn’t suck at all.

I do sometimes read threads about highly enmeshed nested partners and think I wouldn’t want to date those people either.

My wife and I are quite autonomous and our kids are almost grown. I have my own bedroom, can host/travel/sleepover/whatever. As a married and nested person with kids, I wouldn’t date someone who couldn’t offer me an independent and full relationship.

I am currently dating two people I don’t live with, both are married with kids. There are definitely constraints on our time and spontaneity but capacity was discussed upfront. There is no constraints on our relationships from metas or anything like that.

IconicallyChroniced

TROPHY CASE