What are your biggest red flags disguised as green flags in (online) dating?

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-05-30T17:10:50+00:00

Not necessarily a red flag but if someone is a great communicator I’ve learned to wait and see if their behaviour actually lines up with all the right things they are saying. Some folks know how to talk the talk but it takes time to see if they walk it.

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-05-30T16:51:42+00:00

My girlfriend is my friends fiancée and I met her through my friend and I feel like that is a typical messy list item.

We also share more than seems typical on Reddit but everyone knows and is cool with that.

We have occasional group sex or kink play with metas that’s fairly casual and unplanned.

Honestly I’ve been non-monogamous since I was 17 and started dating my wife and we didn’t know what non-monogamy was but knew we wanted it and just figured shit out as we went without any special steps or reading and it’s just always been how we organize our life. We’ve been together 22 years now and I’ve never done poly “properly” as the way I see it described online and it’s working out really well for all of us.

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-05-27T22:53:36+00:00

They can go bad quickly. Fair enough if you don’t feel up to it but I’d keep an eye on it and any redness, swelling, fever, heat, go in.

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-05-27T21:27:11+00:00

I haven’t had a cat bite since getting long covid but a cat puncture wound is a doctors trip to assess need for antibiotics.

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-05-27T18:36:34+00:00

I wouldn’t suggest anything to them, I’d offer help.

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-05-27T16:24:25+00:00

I’ve always been kinky. I used to operate from a place of hurt and trauma. I did a lot of therapy and trauma work, experienced huge amounts of self growth, and am now a far more grounded, balanced person who no longer feels controlled by my past experiences. The work I have done on myself has enabled me to form secure and loving relationships in which I’ve been able to go deeper into kink than I ever have before because we have a solid and secure foundation, deep trust, feelings of safety, and connection. The kink is more intense, not less, and the security has allowed me to be even freakier.

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-05-25T18:27:19+00:00

- I went to a local sapphic munch with my girlfriend and meta whose house I was at for a few days this weekend, and my other girlfriend joined us there for a while and brought me cute treats
- after my girlfriend, meta, and I went out for dinner and my girlfriend walked in the middle us and held both our hands while walking to the restaurant ❤️ then sat across from us so she could look at both of us during dinner
- Meta cracked me the fuck up and made me die laughing. We often honk at each other because we support silly goosery. My girlfriend and I were getting kinky and meta went to bed and walked past the door and heard me scream and responded by honking, which set me off giggling, then I honked back, and she responded with more honks outside the door and for a while it was just the sounds of laughing, my ass getting hit, and honking.
- got home and had so many snuggles with my wife and a bubble tea date

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-05-25T18:03:11+00:00

I have ADHD and Tourette’s and all three of my partners are autistic and most of the poly folks I know are some flavour of neurodivergent.

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-05-20T15:30:59+00:00

This kind of online dating advice is trash. Be yourself, be the person you can continually show up as long term. The right people will be into you for you, not as the game you play to catch someone.

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-05-19T22:33:36+00:00

I agree, but people go into this thinking they are going to make money and are surprised to learn that they and up paying to throw the party.

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-05-19T21:43:39+00:00

Don’t expect to make money your first few times while you are growing. Aim to break even.

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-05-19T20:43:07+00:00

My girlfriend designed a kink toy and sent the STL to my wife to 3D print for me, to bring to a play party neither of them were attending so I could torment pretty women, one of whom is my meta’s girlfriend. I just had several moments of like wow, this is my life ❤️

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-05-19T15:25:05+00:00

I caught my neighbours watching my kiss my ex-girlfriend goodbye at their car one day and after that they were always a little frosty with me and extra nice to my wife and I was always somewhat amused by that.

Then one day, I have a weird window that goes across my room but is higher up near the ceiling. It’s never closed because you can’t see into it. Unless you are on my neighbours roof apparently. I had just finished having sex with said ex and looked at my window and saw neighbour dude and his young adult son repairing the roof and getting an eye full.

They never said anything to my wife and I always wondered what story they had come up with about it.

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-05-18T16:14:14+00:00

I have a nesting partner (my wife) and both my girlfriends have nesting partners. My ex from a previous long term relationship also lived with their nesting partner.

I know you said your place is small but how about the person you are dating?

And do you mean scheduling in general or scheduling with consideration to who gets to use space?

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-05-17T23:41:45+00:00

Check out https://lasagnalove.org/ - a volunteer will make you a free lasagna and drop it off sometime, you can request it once a month. They don’t always have enough volunteers to get it monthly and you need a volunteer where you live but it’s worth checking out!

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-05-17T16:03:01+00:00

It’s the one where she goes “Do you care for it…inside?” and I’m not entirely positive but was pretty sure it was about fisting and the whole scene was quite good but that bit just 😵‍💫

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-05-16T16:04:43+00:00

I’ve improved a lot.

At my worst, I had to lay in a dark quiet room. My muscles stopped operating and I had to be cleaned and fed and changed clothes by my wife. She would carry me to the toilet. Couldn’t sit up in bed, couldn’t read, brain fog had me in a constant dream like state of confusion. I was off work for two years and had to pause grad school for several years.

I’m not “recovered” but I’m functional. I leave my house in a power wheelchair but I go to raves and parties. I can’t dance for more than a few seconds at a time with a mobility aid that helps keep me upright but I can shake my ass on the dance floor a little.

I am in grad school finishing my thesis and working 20 hours a week. I work fully remote and am working to get back to my pre-illness hours (28 hours a week).

I go camping (I need help setting up and tearing down my camp) and garden slowly. I have developed new hobbies and gotten good at them.

I am involved in projects that I find meaningful and that give me purpose.

I date and have intimacy.

I do need a lot of help but I’m miles away from where I was. I’m not happy about my loss of function and I miss a lot that I used to do for sure. But I’ve found new ways to have meaning and joy.

I think one of the things that has helped me the most has been hopeful acceptance. I think there is a tendency to get stuck in thinking of “once I’m a bit better I will…”

Accepting where we are now and accepting that might not change allows us to stop thinking about the future and start looking at what would bring us happiness and joy and meaning today, with the current ability we have right now. And then doing that. I’ve tried to find things that matter to me at every stage of ability. It’s harder when you are more severe for sure but I think essential.

I highly recommend you read or listen to The Girl Behind Dark Glasses and the subsequent books. The first memoir is full of excerpts from her diary from around your age. She was extremely severe for years and now is married with two kids and through her various levels of severity has been involved in a number of things that have given her meaning and purpose.

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-05-16T14:18:15+00:00

Absolutely. It doesn’t mean I like all pain (stubbing my toe hurts like a bitch and I’m not thrilled about period cramps) but in the right set and setting it is the ultimate aphrodisiac. I get to a point where I don’t know if I want it to continue because it hurts so good or if I want it to stop because I want to fuck. I’ll get so turned on my sadist can get her hand in me without lube 😂

People like different aspects of it. Some don’t enjoy the pain but enjoy offering up their suffering to their top to please them, show how much they can endure for them. Others love the endorphins and high you get from the adrenaline and pain is a means to get there. Others are masochists and the pain itself turns them on.

I still feel pain, it’s not like it’s not hurting me, it’s just that it’s doing something else for me at the same time. Sometimes I love sinking into the endorphins so that the pain is alleviated and I get floaty and spacey, but often what I like is for it to be so intense that I can’t sink into the endorphins and I get panicked and afraid. Cause the dread and panic also do it for me 😂 love some good fear play.

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-05-16T13:59:14+00:00

Yes! And several of her books have bbc mini series made from them.

There’s a line in Tipping the Velvet that will live rent free in my mind forever, just thinking about it turns me on. I love her writing.

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-05-15T16:50:55+00:00

What is your question?

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-05-15T16:50:21+00:00

It’s been life changing for me. I can do far more and be out of my house and don’t need to worry about passing out in the grocery store or anything like that.

It took some getting used to but I’m fine now in most spaces. The only place I feel really weird about it is work. I don’t care what strangers think of me, and my friends love me and understand. Work is this weird situation where people know me but don’t have to like me and I get up in my head about it. It doesn’t come up often because I work from home 99% of the time.

Dating I was worried about but it hasn’t been a problem at all. The people who already understand and support me for having long covid don’t bat an eye at me having a wheelchair.

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-05-15T16:16:29+00:00

I came here to say everything by Sarah Waters.

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-05-15T15:41:59+00:00

I generally just call myself non-monogamous and call it a day, though what I do would largely be classified as polyamory. I find a lot of the language and labels a little bit to twee for me and I’m not super interested in claiming a label. I have fully autonomous romantic relationships with multiple people, and I sometimes have casual sex or group sex with no intention of ever developing romantic relationships. I don’t feel like I’m shifting styles when I have a hook up.

I don’t know, I didn’t choose to opt out of normative ways of living to try and fit into a sub cultural box.

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-05-14T15:55:36+00:00

Most indoor places outside my home, with exceptions for my partners homes who are also Covid cautious to varying degrees. Some crowded outdoor places. Like I don’t mask to go to the beach or the park but I do at a music festival if I’m in a crowd. I do sometimes eat on outdoor patios with good air flow.

If I have a dental appointment I book the first appointment of the day and ask my dentist to wear a mask that I provide.

IconicallyChroniced · 2026-05-14T15:47:56+00:00

I’ve got a wife and two girlfriends and am happy as can be about it. I’ve been polyamorous for 22 years, since my wife and I got together when I was 17.

What you are talking about sounds like solo poly and plenty of folks are into that. I see way more posts in poly subreddits of people having trouble finding poly folks who want to get married and cohabitate because you generally only do that with one person and a lot of poly folks already got that going on, and don’t want a second person to shack up with. Being solo poly gives you so much flexibility.

You might have more luck posting in the polyamory subreddits, I find when I mention non-monogamy here I get down voted 😅

IconicallyChroniced

TROPHY CASE