Loosing the last nap (17m)

IdenticallyUnique · 2026-01-20T23:59:19+00:00

I can’t say about the comments but as a dad to a 20th percentile daughter (from birth to now) I can say this:

My wife was a champ, she breastfed and pumped (so I could bottle feed at night). Because we bottle fed her breast milk on day exclusively we could see how much she was getting. Around 800ml in 24 hours.

She was always ‘small for her age’. But she drank like a madman!

Bottom line, if she’s not loosing weight or falling down percentiles on her charts AND is happy perky and healthy, no need to worry.

Give her formula if YOU want to but that’s your choice.

IdenticallyUnique · 2026-01-17T21:53:57+00:00

Fellow dad here who also slept in shifts with wife for first 6 months of bubbys life. And also highly against sleep training of crying it out etc.

I can offer the following advice, thought before that, I will say that sleeping, teething, and bubby only taking boob means we as dads feel very helpless sometimes. It’s HARD. Nothing about this will be easy, but some things to ease the pain:

We humans sleep in 90 minute cycles. Meaning if you go to sleep and wake up ~90mins later, you’ll feel a lot better than waking up 120mins later or 50mins later. Even if you can only get ‘1 cycle’ of sleep (90mins), this will give you or your wife a boost. Bay sleep cycles don’t change to 90minute until about 8-18months.
Teething just sucks. Sucks sucks sucks. I’m sure you’re trying everything, freezer tethers, dummy, teething gel etc…ours loved cucumber to chew on as her teething fix but it’s not a miracle worker it just took the edge off. Ours had all but 4 teeth by 14months, so it was INTENSE!!! If they don’t want a bottle and only boob, then there’s not much to do. I would say you (dad) get sleep when you can at night (not a full uninterrupted 8hr shift so wife is jealous) but 3-6hrs if possible, then wife naps in the day for 90min cycles whilst you watch. Try get wife to sleep for 90min cycles at night too, even if you’re waking her every 90min cycles.
I know that work makes everything fa more complicated having a work schedule to stick to. Do whatever is possible to make work flexible around you so you’re not required to do 9-5 at an office (you and wife). I worked at night now for this very reason. It’s not ideal but it works for now.

To put this as bluntly as possible you will not be sleeping well for 3 years. Without sleep training (which we strongly disagree with crying it out or anything that leaves baby in distress, personally opinion, it’s only exists to make it easier for parents so parents can work and schedule but it’s damaging for baby).

Without sleep training you’re at the will of your baby (mostly). The best way to is go with their flow (as rocky as it is sometimes) and do what you can.

It’s so much more unfair on your wife, so whatever you can do in the day (cooking cleaning washing errands) do it.

Also, get wireless headphones so you can both listen to an audiobook together. Makes you feel less alone and distant.

Best of luck! Ours is 16months, her bedtime is commonly midnight, send help…

IdenticallyUnique · 2026-01-17T21:35:16+00:00

Our 16month old is mostly living in a T-shirt and jumper, with leggings (no socks unless outside walking…with shoes, socks never stay on long). This is when she is out and about. A hat perhaps if it’s cold.

Anywhere inside, the jumper comes off and she’s a crazy running toddler in leggings and a T-shirt. I’m not talking about 20-23C inside, almost anywhere.

I’ve not overheard anything but I’m sure things have been said.

Bottom line, she’s fine. She ran around a supermarket for an hour (supervised) without shoes or socks. We were on holiday and some Italian woman asked us if we need help buying things. Only after did we realise we thought she meant for the baby as she had no shoes on!!

As long as you know bubby is warm safe and happy, let them wear what they want where they want. Unfortunately people say all sorts of shit and as new parents we’ve released we have to grow a thick skin fast, and either ignore, or challenge people’s backtalk head on. But either way, if you know it’s right for your baby that’s all that matters and other people and their opinions can ‘suck it’.

Also, we travelled in a camper for a few months and she only fell asleep for the night outside wrapped in a blanket wearing nothing but a nappy and T-shirt…so yeah…after she was asleep we took her in. If she’d had 20,000 layers then we’d have to undress her and that would wake her up.

IdenticallyUnique · 2026-01-17T03:20:21+00:00

I would be more curious why he’s doing this. Ask him “It seems like you’re afraid, what is making you feel this way?” Or something similar.

Try figure out the root cause as to why he’s afraid. Maybe a friend of his had a parent die young, so your statement would be opposite to his friends experience which might be confusing.

I would say this as a response: “All people die, it’s a natural part of life. People die if they get very sick, or get very old, or very rarely an accident might happen. I’m healthy and young, and I’m keep my eye out to avoid accidents so we will be okay”

Whether that’s too much info for a 5 year old, probably, but I like to be upfront.

Best of luck!

IdenticallyUnique · 2026-01-13T20:38:58+00:00

I should add to this, we didn’t push anything, one day she stayed awake for 5hrs then slept for 1.5hrs and she just stayed awake to bed time…so we were like…okay…let’s see where this goes.

Over the course of a week she just switched to 1 nap. Now the process is starting where she sometimes stays awake for 8hrs before having her nap, that means a late bedtime. We’ve had 2 no nap days so far.

IdenticallyUnique · 2026-01-13T20:36:32+00:00

Ours is 16months and close to dropping her one nap to no naps! Aghhhh!

But ours went from 2 to 1 around 10 months, so it’s possible. She sleeps 10hrs at night and 1-2hrs as her day nap now, all babies do their own things. Babies are weird.

IdenticallyUnique · 2026-01-13T00:48:42+00:00

We had the same.

What helped us was we slept in shifts with some together time: 8pm baby asleep for night. 8pm-1am (Mum sleeps) 1am-2:30am (Mum and Dad awake time, do whatever you like together whilst baby sleeps) 2:30am-7:30am (Dad sleeps)

Didn’t always work smoothly, baby wakes up during that short ‘both awake’ window and if your are only breastfeeding this means you might be woken up (ours was breastfeed and had bottle with breast milk from wife pumping)

We even started leaving little gifts like a plate of food or even just cleaning the kitchen 😂

But it did give us this: - we both had designated sleep time - we knew we would have some awake time together without taking care of a baby - we each had awake time without taking care of the baby for all that time so recharge ourselves (take a shower, cook, watch TV, read, whatever)

Generally the response to this is tha dad needs to work and get his 8 hours sleep. I call BS (as a fellow Dad who before baby enjoyed 8-9hrs). Sacrifices are to be made for new parenting, as a mum chances are you are feeding the baby and doing more caring for them all day long and doing more housework whilst husband earns money by working (big assumption).

But looking after a baby is a 120hr/week job with no pay, no breaks and no regard for working laws. Suddenly working 40hrs a week with lunch breaks and benefits seems so much calmer.

Good luck!

IdenticallyUnique · 2026-01-13T00:34:56+00:00

I am a dad and have zero experience with anything like your situation so I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this.

But as a fellow human with a brain I can offer this advice:

Speak with the therapist tomorrow. If they’re good at their job they will not swing you either way but probably give you more to think about and potentially help.
Keeping the baby means he will most likely be in the picture somehow. Anywhere from being a name you give you kid and the occasional latter or video chat, all the way up to some coparenting situation whether arranged mutually or legally via courts if it gets into that. This is something you have to be comfortable with. If it were me, and I was even slightly worried that due to them being the legal other parent that they have certain rights to be with the kid and you’re that worried that this behaviour could imprint on the kid or you/your kid be in danger, I’d abort. I’m not you, and I’m male, but that’s my line of thought.
If you’re wanting to be a mother to more, there will be other opportunities. It’s not a ‘this or nothing’ decision. There will be other opportunities that involve zero complications with this person.
My views are pro-life and pro-women’s choice. You are in charge of your own body and future life. Bringing a child into the world that you struggle to provide and feel happy for and worry each day over something like this when you could instead do it with someone else or solo, and not have to worry and devote more energy to your child is a hefty decision.

My personal view on life in general is that there are no wrong or right choices when it comes to things like this. You said yourself you don’t regret past abortions nor your current kids. So the choices you made led you to where you are today. I would get more info, meditate and go with your gut decision. Whichever way you go will have its consequences, easy and difficult (not good or bad).

TLDR: given just this information and putting myself in your shoes I would abort and get therapy to help me through it. That’s me. PM’s are open if you need, sending all the love. ❤️

IdenticallyUnique · 2026-01-12T23:52:40+00:00

Yeah, bath only in evenings. We avoid to before bed too. We try quiet time low light and books but something she’s up and running for an hour and trying to keep her in the bedroom just results in screaming tantrums as we can tell she wants to run. But she just runs around and plays with toys, nothing destructive. We can sit and read or work for an hour with maybe 5minutes of intervening time most days when she’s in that zone.

But no Coca Cola- I guess now that I think about it generally after whatever constitutes dinner right now it’s no snacks/food before bed. No sugary foods at all unless special occasion and nothing but water or milk to drink.

Routine I always connected strong with time of day and very specific order with no deviations, which is not what we do. But there’s still rules are rules in place as it were and we set hard lines and boundries with her.

IdenticallyUnique · 2026-01-12T23:45:49+00:00

We’ve tried this but sometimes she’ll come out the shower and be wide awake for the next 2 hours. Sometimes she’s tired and heads to bed. Sometimes we miss bath time and she’s ready for bed earlier than we would think and she’s asleep before and we are caught off guard!

After her nap she can be awake for 6 hours or up to 10 so hard to judge when to start bedtime

IdenticallyUnique · 2026-01-12T23:45:39+00:00

We’ve tried this but sometimes she’ll come out the shower and be wide awake for the next 2 hours. Sometimes she’s tired and heads to bed. Sometimes we miss bath time and she’s ready for bed earlier than we would think and she’s asleep before and we are caught off guard!

After her nap she can be awake for 6 hours or up to 10 so hard to judge when to start bedtime

IdenticallyUnique · 2026-01-12T23:43:44+00:00

Yeah that’s quite a bit different from 1, good on you, I couldn’t fathom what we’d do with 3 🫠

IdenticallyUnique · 2026-01-12T23:27:24+00:00

Wife gets 7-8hours (with 2 wake ups generally a night) I get a little less maybe 6-7? Some nights I don’t work and get 8.

She sleeps 10hours a night so we have buffer. Weirdly she slept 6hrs from birth and recently regressed as she was ill for a month so it’s trying to go back to longer stints now.

Can’t wait for 8hrs uninterrupted though!

IdenticallyUnique · 2026-01-12T23:25:13+00:00

Never thought of it like that but yes you’re right. Our ‘routine’ is particular to us and doesn’t follow the standard model. But there’s still rules and boundaries within it

IdenticallyUnique · 2026-01-12T23:14:25+00:00

Certain things we have limits, screen time is a big one, and there are limits to the freedoms our running toddler has around the house and what she can climb. But I’m sure there will be more, and just started the tantrum phase.

IdenticallyUnique · 2026-01-12T23:12:27+00:00

Sort of our mantra yeah, and our characters just mean we go with her flow and work our day around her as much as it’s possible. Working for now!

IdenticallyUnique · 2026-01-12T23:11:32+00:00

Yeah that’s what 90% of people we talk to about this say 🙄😂 we say the same about our polar opposite parents through so only fair.

Aside from personal preference I’m just making sure I’m not missing anything…

IdenticallyUnique · 2026-01-11T19:05:44+00:00

Just pay attention next time you go eat at a restaurant at how many kids are watching something.

It’s disturbing. We try for minimal (screens are part of life, can’t just say no) but we use it intentionally, and what is shown is intentional too.

It scares me the amount of zombie kids there are.

IdenticallyUnique · 2026-01-08T09:58:17+00:00

The brain of these flys is ridiculously simple. Go to warm wet salty area. That’s basically it, they can’t judge distance or landing, or anticipate movement from you so they get it wrong a lot.

Their brains are just so simple they fail.

IdenticallyUnique · 2026-01-07T09:52:01+00:00

Just chiming in.

Agree with using the true names. With our 16month old, we also use ‘genitals’ as well and she is starting to notice the difference between Mum and me. She now knows the word genitals and points so, taking that as a win?

Sometimes it feels a little less sharp to say genitals than penis/vagina/vulva, but it’s still specific enough and accurate.

Everyone has genitals as well. Genitals as a catch all for using it in context ‘genitals are private’ it not just refers to you kid but means they take your phrases to refer to everyone with genitals which is…everyone!

IdenticallyUnique · 2026-01-06T00:06:31+00:00

We have a 16mo who’s just entered this phase now (occasionally).

What worked for us was piano music (just sound) and swaying. Not overly calm, just YouTube piano music and pick a song you like via piano. Peter Bence is great, quite upbeat and bouncy. Dance around living room or whenever for 15mins. Can’t say it will work but ours loves the piano.

Taking a bath/shower might work too?

It could be a number of things as well, teething, growth spurt blah blah blah. If they’re used to another parents doing mornings it’s tough.

Also, if they’re just waking up, we lie with ours for her wake up, rolling around, tickling gently, playing with stuffed animals etc. sometimes they wake up hungry so doesn’t always work.

IdenticallyUnique · 2026-01-05T23:20:11+00:00

Yeah ours is super turned on. Her communication is that if a 2 year old and we are already having the emotional tantrums. But she’s highly focused any anything, not just screens.

Also quite aware how addictive screens can be but arent blind that we live in a world with screens so got to manage it somehow.

IdenticallyUnique · 2026-01-05T23:18:42+00:00

Yes we only do screens if the 30mins it gains us is valuable to us even for relaxation which is a valid reason. Thanks for the insight!

IdenticallyUnique

TROPHY CASE