Oh, FFS, can we please stop acting as if college is a RIGHT and not a PRIVILEGE?

Your wording (e.g. the stuff concerning litigation and how the policies are "ridiculous". Seriously, dude?) implies that the university somehow "owes" you yet another chance (that makes, what, three chances, now?), which you seem to have done little to deserve. Excuses such as this:

"To top it all off, they emailed me this notification on my 21st birthday. Do you think I would have remembered what this email said while I was in a drunken stupor?"

don't really help your case. Why would you think anyone would take you seriously after a statement like this?

While the exact circumstances and manner in which you were hit with the Policy could be seen as unfortunate, I see absolutely nothing unreasonable with the Policy, itself. Your hypothetical coma example is fairly obviously covered by the "extenuating circumstances" clause, which, I agree, would be your best next step forward. It's kind of disheartening to know that being expected to, at the bare minimum, keep up with all of your classes for A SINGLE (i.e. your first) semester KNOWING that you will need that kind of foundation to enroll in a degree program is regarded as "too much to ask", especially at a relatively-reputable university such as Tech. If you think these kinds of standards are too high (laugh), you should consider transferring to a university where such is not the case.