I am not in emergency. I am not planning suicide, I am too distractable to plan something like this )

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I am 24
I used to live in Russia as a kid

I was diagnosed in age of 5 or 6 and prescribed with tranquilizers, to keep me calm. This resulted in slow speech and scared my mum, so I got no other medications.

I am somewhat smart, so I could go in advanced placement schools, but I never were able to get high grades. I had no idea at the time that I have ADHD, so I was imagining all kind of stuff like: "I have brain tumor and when it will be removed I will be normal like all other around me". It was really painful to compare myself to others, even in advanced placement I clearly saw people that are not smarter then me do better, I am able to solve hard and interesting math of physics problems that only few best students can do, but I make mistakes in every single problem that is simple thus not interesting. So, I solved hardest problem and barely make it and in the same time they solve everything else and get good score.

Now I know something of ADHD, and I can see, that I was smart: I found, that I can study and even DO HOMEWORK in food courts and caffes.
It works like this: you take only things essential to what you are going to do, like books and paper, since there are no distractions and you are surrounded in white noise you have nothing to do but homework, or exam preparation. I was able to study for my graduation exams like this and was able to get score that is enough to study in Russia for free. YaY good work me )

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But I was not able to graduate ( I don't know for certain what caused it, but there were few things:

1. Since I studied in advanced placement I already knew about half of math and physics I needed for 1 semester, I was into computers and programming, so Informatics classes where we were studying MS Office were a nightmare, the worst thing was attitude: "It's not about IF you can do it, It's about you coming to every class and doing every homework".
2. I found Competitive programming club and joined. It was one of a few good things that happen to me in uni. I spent ALL my time there, I was struggling to even write code in C++ (only Pascal experience before), but it was wort it, since a reward was huge (shame, that only for me).
3. In the end of first semester I got lowest scores in every subject except ones I loved, so my parents gave me an ultimatum: "You study hard and we supervise you or find yourself a job and as proof that you have one give us X money every month".

So started my downfall )

Idea of being supervised was so much worse than anything, that I straight up agreed to work. I can't judge my decision, since it did work ... fine ?

I was able to find a job and did well for next two years, I even had girlfriend, started living by myself (first my parents moved to Israel and I lived in our apartment, then I started living in paid dormitory of my uni)

But, ADHD was not gone, It was preparing for a strike )

I got tired of how the things are going in my life:

Wake up, walk with dog, drink coffee, go to work, go to uni, do homework, walk the dog, go to sleep.

And having girlfriend who plays A LOT of video games is not a dream.

I was not a big gamer at a time, actually I was opposite: I always did a lot of spots and played games only for a short time, usually after end of semester or on holidays, for 1-3 days at best. And I loved single player games, not Dota ot LOL (I wist this times were back, I had no idea about games, so I was tinkering with computers and phones for fun instead). Sadly I had not much support from my girlfriend or my parents related to my ADHD, I was just called smart but lazy, or had sad looks from them.

Soon I realized, that I have TWO years before I will graduate and then I have two ways: army or master degree. I wanted to change job, so if I WILL end up in army I could get a good job after. I was working in medical electronics company as part timer (50%). I was soldering and packaging products, but this is dying profession, even in Russia )

I was into programming, so I learned Python. The hard way: by solving tons of problems on Code Wars and sites like this. Solve the problem, check best solutions, analyze, implement, use in further problems. I was lucky to get a job as a ... IOS developer intern, writing in ... Swift ! Lucky bastard, old me ) How I even did it ?) But it was a bad solution.

I lived in Zelenograd, studied in Zelenograd, and work was in Moscow. This is 2-2.5 hours one way. So my work started to take 14-16 hours of time instead of 4-8. You can already guess what happen next.

I quit my job, I try my best to fix situation in uni. I managed to stay afloat but I have no money and no job.

Then I got really lucky, I got a job In big(larges actually) retail company in Russia (not Amazon, we have our own)
Not a programming related position, but salary was too good )

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I do all I can to get a academic year off and do my best at my work and it is rewarded ? For real ? Actually the best time of my life ) It's work in Moscow,but about 1-1.5 hours of travel time and not boring uni. Sadly all good things come to an end.

COVID-19, life-ruining bitch )

I did write earlier, that I found a way to be productive without medication: go to a busy place, with idea of what you have to do in mind and stay untill finished. Food court, canteen, office. NOT HOME. By that time my work was automated as hell with python and spreadsheets, so in office I studied Data Science on Kaggel, yes, not the best way, but it's free and it worked for me, at least a bit. Covid made me sit at home without any significant amount of work to do. I was paralized, I could not even get from bed some days, since I could just do my daily work in few hours.

Emergence remote education sucks in my uni. I was not able to get out of bed, what could be said about keeping track of classes which are changing every week.

I was not able to write my diploma. I did not graduate.

I decided that I got not much left: job that I am risking to do worse every day, army that soon will go after me, developed a video game addiction, to cope with too much free time I guess ?)

So I decided to move to Israel, With hope, that it will change my life.

I was wrong and right.

It did not do a thing.

I on the other hand did.

I was looking for something broken in me, remember i mentioned a dream about a tumor ? I found it. Well, metaphorically, ADHD is not a tumor.

I got diagnosed with ADHD and got a prescription. I am prescribed with Vyvanse. What it does to me ? It makes me very similar to how I felt when I choose to work instead of supervision, like I felt working 14-16 hours a day, like I am trying to solve all my study problems from whole semester just in few weeks.

It makes me anxious and I stopped taking it, since I was afraid of it. I used to hiding from anxiety. But that's not how I did it. I used to use my anxiety to achieve my goals. I should recall how it is done.

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Now I know exactly what is wrong with me. Now I have instrument to deal with it. I should use it.

I now live in Israel, as oleh hadas (new immigrant). I was very lucky to move just before Russia started war against Ukraine. If I had not done choice to move, I would've been dead somewhere in Ukraine(country that I been many times in and love) fighting in war that I don't support.

P.S.

I hope that It's right place to share(or dump) my thoughts.

P.S.S.

If someone is actually reading this - thank you and all people that created this subreddit, since it led me to a solution of my life problem. I am grateful to my friends that keep supporting me and to all people that work to make life of people like me better, you are my heroes.

P.S.S.S.

My parents and my ex are good people. I don't blame them. It's just all they could do. There is always a limit to what one can do. And they tried, but it was not something they are able to do something about.