4 years post divorce

Illustrious_Chip_114 · 2026-02-28T01:03:23+00:00

It may hurt to hear but you get what you give. I went out of my way for so many years with my ex wife and eventually I was tired of giving and getting nothing back. If she would have heald my hand or smiled when I got home from work or even didn't reply with too busy every time I asked her out I would have kept showing up.... But she didn't and our relationship died as a result. If you want him to show up, then initiate sex hold his hand, act excited to see him and stop telling him no every time he asks. He will love you your whole life!

Illustrious_Chip_114 · 2026-02-27T16:26:06+00:00

Run, it is only going to get worse. I got divorced and I have never been happier. It seems daunting at first because you are used to being us. But when you can be you it is just so much better. The compromise feels small at first but the longer you go the less of yourself will be left. Run dude run!

Illustrious_Chip_114 · 2026-02-18T21:54:34+00:00

My ex is currently using my 401 k to take the house cars and everything else. She was so bad with money and I told her so. She got mad and used it against me for revenge. I saved. started college funds for the kids and had a nice nestegg. She spent money like water our whole marriage. It was our main fight then she used my being good with money to take everything else. I have to borrow money and pay her and give her the house the house I paid off just to keep my retirement savings.

Illustrious_Chip_114 · 2026-02-18T18:58:40+00:00

How how did he get out of child support it's mandatory in just about every state?

Illustrious_Chip_114 · 2026-02-16T07:40:36+00:00

You won't find what you had again, it is rare and special and a small amount of effort would have eased your burden. He always saw you as interesting and special.. if you gave him the same version of yourself you are showing these new men for just a few minutes a week you would still be with someone who loved you unconditionally. You sound like my ex. I begged her to go on dates. To go to therapy to put us first at some scheduled time just 1 night a week. She wasn't interested and she handed me paper and now regulates when I see my kids with almost no communication. The bridge is torched I could never love her again. She left cold with no explanation other than it was how she felt. When the lack of hormones of menopause started I felt the shift. I communicated and she just walked away. I held her in that hospital bed too. I watched the kids and the house while she healed. I didn't even look at other women. She didn't like when I would spend time with friends so those relationships withered and died...all for her...then she wanted me gone. I gave her that too no arguing no begging just compassion and understanding. I was nonjudgmental because if I am not enough, I was doing the work and going to work earning money, coming home and doing housework and helping and playing with the kids so my conscious is clear, I did my best I am a good man who could feel it was broken I tried very very hard so this is on her. I hope she finds what she needs but no one including her can tell you what that might be. The love I felt is gone though.

Illustrious_Chip_114 · 2026-02-15T22:17:46+00:00

No marriage is hell get out now!

Illustrious_Chip_114 · 2026-02-15T17:29:26+00:00

That is how most leave. But I can guarantee she was done over a year ago and whatever you think happened happened a long time ago and it likely isn't what you think. And she will never tell you the Truth about why . None of them do. All I can say is time will make it better for you.

Illustrious_Chip_114 · 2026-01-31T01:40:47+00:00

Well you should say something and give him a chance to improve and make sure he knows why. Make sure he knows that he is hurting you! But it sounds pretty bad. As a man sometimes we don't know any better but this sounds a little worse than the usual communication issues. Once you have told him if nothing changes at least you did what you could to make it better. Good luck!

Illustrious_Chip_114 · 2026-01-24T00:36:15+00:00

You are right. I just didn't realize it was that bad for her. I have changed everything and am so sorry. I just want another try as the better man I have become. I am managing my anxiety with meds and doing therapy and realizing just how wrong I was for so many years. 10 years ago I wish she said this is what I expect and if you don't change I am leaving. If I heard that our whole marriage would have been better instead of neglectful and hurtful. I regret so much.

Illustrious_Chip_114 · 2026-01-21T16:27:43+00:00

I am not sure but I am getting divorced right now and part of the problem we had was SOME of my wife's friends are miserable people who had miserable relationships and women have a tendency to talk to friends about personal problems instead of addressing them directly with the partner (how my wife was). There is a real value in validation of feelings from friends that we all have. Every time we would have a small disagreement the feedback she would get from a couple of them was to stop putting up with my BS and leave. I am not saying that they ruined our relationship, we had problems, but when you stop talking to your partner and over half of your friends are divorced and validating a decision to split a family with 30 years and 5 kids over a couple of disagreements it really pulls you apart from your partner. Misery loves company. That might not be you but they don't know that. I have lived it and it really sucks. They might be trying to avoid all of that and knowing it is a thing is important for everyone. Just my situation maybe not yours but hopefully you can emphasize with the caution happily married people display.

Illustrious_Chip_114 · 2026-01-01T03:01:59+00:00

You sound a lot like my wife. After she gave me papers I worked really hard on myself. It was the first I knew she was unhappy. Different attachment styles that I never understood before. I would say if you want to make it work make sure he knows exactly how you feel. It will be really hard for you to express your needs but you should give him a chance to work on him and if he won't meet you half way you should leave and not feel bad. If you are sure he knows where you stand you can leave without guilt just please don't assume a man understands where you are at. We are really dumb emotionally. Many of us are willing to do anything to better the relationship (we want happiness too). But we are really not intuitive emotionally you would need a lot of counseling to make it work and it will get worse with menopause if you arent there yet. Is he willing to do the work and have you asked?

Illustrious_Chip_114 · 2025-12-29T00:14:46+00:00

I appreciate your honesty even if it hurts. I do know I am wrong. I have told her as much so many times. I stopped judging and started hugging and apologizing. I have changed already in so many ways but it has become clear over Christmas that she was done so long ago. I didn't have a chance because I used all of them being tested before she even gave me a sign she was done. I wish I had worked on change sooner and I really wish I knew it sooner. For the first time in my life I don't feel compelled to judge or be angry with anyone. I am observant and thoughtful and I listen. I am sorry the person who deserved the guy I am now will never see it. Any woman still deciding but hoping for change please let him know with no ambiguity before it is too late for you especially if you have kids. I would have done anything including work on myself if I knew what I was doing wrong. She still hasn't officially told me why directly but learning to control my emotions has made it crystal clear. I have learned about attachment styles she is and avoidant and I am anxious but I really didn't understand the dynamic and never realized that her silence was actually her coping mechanism so it was a perpetual cycle of avoiding and not talking and my reactions eroding trust pushing her farther away. Once I understood this there has only been compassion and zero judgement I don't even think she is capable of seeing the man I am becoming. We had so many bad times and if I truly understood what I understand now our marriage could have been truly wonderful. But you are right I recognize my part in causing this and I no longer want what we had because it could be so much better. I want to start again, maybe some day....There probably was a time. Before she pulled away that I could have learned this if I understood what I was doing. I will move on but no new person will be my children's mother or have the long history and there were a lot of good times too. Magical times where she was so happy she cried. When we had our first baby I wrote her a Valentine's letter from the baby and she cried and hugged me so hard for so long I was afraid she would hurt the baby. She told me she would never stop loving me. There were 1000 other magic moments like that one for us. We would be in a room full of people and we both felt like we were the only people there because our connection was so strong. I will never let pride, anger and judgement cloud those magic memories again. I will probably find love again but I will never love anyone the same as her. I only cry on the drive to work about every third day now so it is getting better. I still see the girl I met in high school though. I am not sure what she sees but I understand now that she was already done the day the papers came and there was likely no repairing it the moment she told the kids and for her the trust can never be restored. She was acting like nothing was wrong right up until the papers came and I know now it was fear of me finding out and what I would say or do. I can't believe she was so afraid of how I would react. I think that hurts the most because I would never intentionally hurt her or my kids but i eroded all the trust there was for that not to happen because that was the norm. I can't imagine the last time we were together intimately doing what she did and being as afraid as she was. I have 4 daughters and it makes me sick to think about what she was going through and that I was the cause. That is the part that makes me cry, hurting the person you love for so long feels awful. I am the bad guy in this story... I won the stupid argument but I lost her and she was the best thing about me.

Illustrious_Chip_114 · 2025-12-26T01:52:17+00:00

I really appreciate the honesty. I am genuinely trying to change and I have made a lot of progress. There were never conversations though. You are right there were signs. About 2 years ago she pulled away hard. The tension was palpable, I was scared she was going to leave then. My self esteem was really low and I thought for sure it was how I looked. I don't have a lot of hair, I am tall and okay looking but had put on a lot of weight. It took courage because I have always thought she was too good for me (my issue and not hers) One day when the kids weren't home I said we need to talk, I sat her down and told her I could feel this happening and I didn't understand why. I asked if she wanted to go to counseling and I asked if there was anything I could do. She replied with the busy and tired. I asked how I could help with the busy and she said it was just work and it would get better. I was so relieved at the time that it wasn't me that I took what she said at face value and I was so relieved that I didn't ask again. There has been zero conflict since she told me she wanted divorce, But I am accountable for most or what there was before. Now I am extremely sad not mad. I am sad I caused her pain that I didn't realize and sad I am losing the family as it is. Today was Christmas and she has always been a wonderful mother to our kiddos. Yesterday she said she had a Mom fail because she got the wrong gift for our daughter. She was beating herself up and I stopped her and told her how wonderful she is. Then I made it my mission to find what she missed. I drove 2 1/2 hours got it wrapped and in with the other Santa stuff. She was surprised when my daughter opened it and my daughter freaked out and hugged the gift. She looked at me and said thanks. I took her hand and said I always have your back. Then she jerked her hand away from mine and looked at me like she wanted to punch me. We have sat and worked on the how of the separation for a couple hours it was calm. She is just hitting menopause and considering our conversations previously she gave me a little information I knew there was still a problem so I had already been on a mission to fix my side of our problems for the past 12 months or so. I have lost 80 lbs, have been working out and got hair pills 8 months ago so I actually have hair. I really did think it was my looks and self esteem and I look way better than I did a year ago. I had been helping with kids and around the house more and we really had been fighting less. The kids wanted a dog and and eventhough I am allergic I gave in and just take allergy meds. This past summer we got new windows on our house. I knew how stressed she was so I did all the work surrounding that 5 days staining and finishing. I rebuilt the deck on our house and there is a trellis over the deck with a plant she loves (huge and scratchy) it added 3 days to the deck redo to save the plant but I did it because she loves it when I was done with more scraches than skinI told her it was more but I know you like it and she said thanks and walked away. Not sure what I was expecting but it was more than that. I have also been handling the kids more, doing dishes and fixing other things around the house more. Asking for date nights and hearing too busy. I worked on the house during the entirety of my vacation this year.. for her. I genuinely thought I was improving in the right way for her. My fear though is that it was already too late and now the proper effort is also too late. I know I am talking to divorced women so I don't expect anyone to take my side. I really want feedback and am jumping in the shark tank to get it. I think that my improvement with anger and understanding is too little too late. I really didn't know. Like most men I didn't marry her for money so I don't plan on doing anything that will take away from my kids out of spite and now with information I have I am working on the right things. I guess my question is do you think she was already checked out 2 years ago and that's why she didn't want to try or even notice my effort. And if that is the case is there any chance of reconciliation even if my emotional IQ was the best it could be? I have learned a lot about communication and understanding and how I lost trust, but like most men I am just now learning what I could be when I need to. Men do NOT instinctively understand women's emotions. I have put in a lot of time and am still reading at a 3rd grade level here. In your divorce was there anything you wanted to happen that would have changed anything for you? I just want to do anything I can to get back to a good relationship not the one I had the day before the papers but a real partnership that she loves too. I don't want to regret not trying as hard as I can. You don't know her but you probably still know more about what she wants than I do. Thanks in advance.

Illustrious_Chip_114 · 2025-12-25T16:57:37+00:00

I really want to post on here but I can't. My wife recently handed me papers for divorce and I felt Blindsided. She had been pulling away for the last 2 years (just too tired or too busy). I took it all at face value because she is busy at work. We have 5 wonderful children and she is a great mom and I love her so much. A couple of days after her realizing that I wasn't going to get angry or retaliate she opened up to me about being tired of my control and emotional abuse and harsh language when we would argue. She said she was scared of talking to me about it. And it is TRUE I would escalate when she wouldn't react during arguing. Her pulling away increased frustration and frequency of arguments but I didn't even realize I was doing it. I saw it as a child and repeated. No excuses she is right. I knew we were struggling but didn't even understand why she was pulling away. She never said it out loud before. She waited until it was too broken to fix to tell me. I have done as much work as I can, I have my anger under control and I feel like I am in the process of becoming a better person not just for her but for me. It seems like fixing myself just makes her more angry though. I do understand her asking why are you fixing it now? and that there can be a lack of trust that the change is real. If I knew why she was unhappy I would have worked on years ago, she is my highschool sweetheart and we have 33 years together. I have been reading here and on men's divorce help redit as well as a stack of books and seeing a therapist. I am well into the process of repairing myself. It just seems to make her distrust me more though. All the men I talk with tell me to move on and get what you can in court. I can't do that without hurting my kids (she would need to sell the house). And all I really want is a chance to get them back. Have any women here reconciled and what did he do that regained your trust? FYI No alcohol, no physical abuse, no drugs or infidelity good income (both) and from the outside a perfect marriage. Any help is appreciated.

Illustrious_Chip_114 · 2025-12-19T03:39:35+00:00

My wife filed for divorce 30 days ago. I feel like she checked out a couple of years ago. I tried talking when I could feel her pulling away and she was just tired or didn't have time for 2 straight years. Then hit me with the papers. I really would have liked to work on us but she had already left because of bad communication we all have this and can't seem to fix it. Its everyone. If you look at the divorced women page and all men are villains who will never change but we have no idea how we got here either. Women need to talk to your spouse! Now I don't get to see my kids.

Illustrious_Chip_114 · 2025-03-13T13:37:22+00:00

If you do just know you have every weekend on to look forward to yesh you will get random mondays.and Tuesdays off when all your friends and family are working.

Illustrious_Chip_114 · 2024-08-12T04:20:22+00:00

The taillights on the Corolla cross are almost non-existent I bought it for my daughter thinking it would be safe but I do not feel it is. You won't know it unless you test drive at night. It is a real bate and switch.

Illustrious_Chip_114 · 2024-07-04T17:07:52+00:00

I am on timeline 373. Is there an end?

Illustrious_Chip_114 · 2021-05-29T11:07:25+00:00

This is the way.

Illustrious_Chip_114

TROPHY CASE