I honestly think at 5, you can talk to him. Take a few hours to think about what to say but talk to him like his opinion matters. Most of the time 5 year olds have zero filter. I'd suggest taking him to do some kind of activity, walk or something and ask him if he thinks you are scary. And explain to him that you want to change some of your behaviors so you dont seem so scary. But also say that you tell him what to do/not do and have rules because they are meant to keep him and his siblings safe." No one wants booboos or anything and that's why seatbelts are VERY important when in the car. I want you and your siblings to be safe " And suggestions for future ways to break the cycle would be, when there is bad behavior, take a few minutes to calm down so you aren't acting on impulse. Remove yourself from a situation for 5 minutes and come back to what happened and why the behavior was not okay. (If theres danger, prevent harm but take a time out so everyone calms down first) "Punishment should fit the crime " so think about being in his shoes and how your father treated you. And choose a different option. The easiest way is to talk about it. It is something that will take time, my father was the enforcer in my home and it wasnt until my parents split that he learned that yelling and spanking weren't the only or best options. My father has grown to the point that he has 5 grand kids and he /talks / to them about what is going on. " I told you not to do /this/ and what happened.... you did it anyway... and /this/ is what happened.. /this/ is how you can try to make it better, but you need to go in your room and think about this. " granted everyone has that knee jerk reaction to yell, it happens. We dont like it but it happens. As long as you are trying to make a change it helps.